CSI – What Happens in the CSI Lab

Greg still told the horrific story of the time he called Grissom by another name

Alright, boys and girls, gather around, because this is a tale not many get to hear, a tale so horrible, one must be careful when telling it, one that-

(Nick, go away. Shut up, Warrick)

It all starts when one innocent little CSI is working his way up the latter, trying to become and knowledgeable and skilled as his senior CSIs, especially his supervisor-

(cough, idol, cough)

(seriously, Nick, just go)

-his SUPERVISOR, whom we'll address simply as G-

(as in Greggo?)

(Sara, not you too!)

-G, no matter what other name may start with that letter. In any case, on this fateful day, our hero, S-

(Sara, is this about you?!)

(Warrick, I swear to God-!)

-S was a GUY CSI, thank you, and still a little naive and sweet from all his hard work as a lab technician, too used to being on his own, doing his own thing, and so some social aspects of the CSI work-

(and life in general)

(dude)

-still alluded him. No big deal, nothing too out of the norm, just, you know, joking around in crime scenes, making puns-

(posing with dead bodies)

(okay, fine, but that was ONE time! Shut up, Nick! Stop laughing or get out!)

Where was I? Oh, right. This young MALE S, was still a young thing, trying to navigate the treacherous waters of the CSI life when the day came. He was going to work with G all alone! G was finally trusting him with important evidence, clearly trusting in S's expertise in the field-

(what's going on here?)

(shh, Catherine, this is the good part)

-because G was awesome like that, and S was super excited about it, he could barely stand still-

(like it's different from the usual?)

(okay, for reals, Sara)

-when IT happened. IT being the most awful thing that has ever happened in CSI history-

(worst than explosions, kidnappings, guns to the head, and everything else we've gone through?)

(... for the sake of non-scarring, non-disturbing storytelling, very much so)

(... fair enough)

-S turned to G, hoping for a proud smile, one of which G so rarely bestowed upon anyone, much less a low level CSI such as S when S made a most horrible, unforgivable mistake! Oh yes, boys and girls, he did the unthinkable! Can you guess what it was?

(he said he wanted to suck G's dick?)

(Jesus, Nick, no need to be so crude in front of the kids!)

(er, we're all adults here)

(shh, no you're not)

It was thusly. S turned to G and said: Here you go, DAD.

(that still sends chills up my spine)

(with you there, Sara)

(balls of steel, Greg, balls of steel)

(thanks, Warrick)

G was understandably confused by the misnomer but, being the most awesome person and CSI and boss in the entire Universe, he just shrugged it off, accepted the evidence, bagged and tagged it and they continued their work, even as S wished the floor would fucking open up and swallow him hole-

(okay, and I'm being crude in front of the children while you talk about giving him a BJ)

(again, we are not-)

(everyone, ZIP IT and let me finish)

Afterward, S was sure he was in the clear, G hadn't told him to fuck off or anything, he didn't scold him, so it should be okay, right? An innocent such as S would think so, anyone would think so.

(oh, to be young and naive like that)

(right? But, Catherine, please shush)

But of course, G being the most awesome dude ever, he just let S stew on it, think everything was a-okay, and then BANG! He came at him when they were back at the lab-

(okay, is it JUST me or this sounds like a porno?)

(it does)

(no it does NOT)

Anyway! G called S to talk to him in his office and he laid it on him, that calling him anything BUT his name or official title would get him all the shitty CSI works, saliva, vomit, poop, the works, and unless I was totally into that kind of thing, then maybe I should refrain from calling him DAD or anything like that-

(except in bed)

(CATHERINE!)

But it was fine! G was totally cool about it, he even smiled at- I mean, at S, and everything was fine! It was fine!

(and then he took you back to his place and let you call him daddy all night long)

(geez, Warrick, man, thanks for the nightmares)

(oh, grow up Nick, I'm just finishing up Greg's porno)

(it is NOT a porno!)

(it's the start of one)

(no it's NOT, Sara)

(except it is)

(Catherine! Not you too!)

And they lived happily ever after as PLATONIC CSI's.

(until they get home-)

(NICK!)

(and they were BAD CSIs)

(WARRICK!)

(and totally NOT platonic)

(CATHERINE!)

(and I can totally see Greg calling Gil daddy)

(SARA! That's it! Story time over!)

(wait, but what about the cookies? You promised us cookies!)