A/N: Very lame attempt at a SwanQueen story ahead. Beware! Also, CS disregarded. I hope it amuses you as it did me. Welcome to the story and thank you for reading!

Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time or its characters. Only for fun.

This is dedicated to Agatha, the Muse.

1. Babbling barbarian

For a boy who once felt like he was trapped by a loveless queen and neglected by an unknown irresponsible, now Henry wished he could go back to the sensation of abandonment. He was sitting at the principal's office, where both his mothers were expected, and he knew he was in trouble, no matter how the sense of injustice burned his stomach.

Regina was the first to arrive, eyes wide as she looked up and down the corridor's length, until she finally spotted Henry in the east room. She seemed flustered, as if she had been swept off her feet during a meeting – which was probably the case – but she also looked breathless, like she hurried from her car to the building – which was probably the case, too.

Regina would completely forget to just poof herself in and out of places when she was under stress or got caught up by any unpleasant surprise.

Like the time Henry told her that Emma had had a fifteen-seconds-crush on her the day they met.

"Madam Mayor, please, have a seat," the principal said quietly, pointing a leather chair to his mother. "I had expected Henry's other mom could be here on time, too."

At first Regina narrowed her eyes, like wondering what that man was insinuating. Was he expecting her to call Emma? Was he expecting them to share transportation? And then her expression went blank as she tensed her shoulders.

"The Sheriff is not here yet?" she asked to the room at large, emphasizing her annoyance unnecessarily.

She had been doing that a lot lately, Henry noticed. Since the day Henry told her the news of her catching his biological mom's eye like it was as casual as the price of tomatoes, Regina had been acting weird at the mere mention of Emma Swan's name.

"Sorry," the blonde gasped , bursting into the room as though she was conjured there by Henry's thoughts.

She waved an awkward goodbye to a younger woman with red hair at the door and slumped down ungracefully on the chair at Henry's other side.

Regina measured the girl from head to toe until she felt uncomfortable and left.

"What happened?" she interjected above their son's head,

Emma sighed. "It was my day off, and David had the Cruiser."

"You have that death trap to move around."

"I was not home."

"You could have poofed here!" the queen said with an impatient eye roll, disregarding the fact that she didn't do it either.

"I tried, but I ended up in my mom's apartment, without my boots and my pants."

Regina looked more flustered than she already was, and Emma was an ugly shade of crimson by the time she finished her sentence.

"Who was that?" the brunette asked disdainfully, pointing at the door on the back.

"Nadia," the blonde grunted.

Regina raised an eyebrow when Emma averted her gaze.

"Who's Nadia?"

"A ride."

"Oh, is that a new euphemism for one night stands, Sheriff Swan?"

"Moms," Henry muttered, embarrassed that this exchange had to take place in front of the school principal.

The man had his brow slightly furrowed; he was staring so intensely at the papers that if he had any magic in him, he would have already set the reports on fire. He cleared his throat and looked at the weird and yet oddly natural family in front of him.

"Madam Mayor, Sheriff Swan… Thank you for coming. It is an actual disappointment to have to summon you to discuss Henry's behavior. He's been a role model as far as grades are concerned, but he's also having difficulty dealing with a bully – who is already being punished for provoking the situation."

"So basically my kid punched a kid who attacked him first," Emma said quietly as she noticed Henry's red knuckles. Her voice was thick – probably from drinks and sleep – but it felt so firm and protective that Regina forgot for a second she was an imbecile and joined her at glaring at the principal.

He did not cave. "There were witnesses in favor of your son. There was no need to pay back. I need to punish him in order to discourage violence. He is suspended for two days."

"What did he say to you?" Emma asked Henry, her eyes still on the middle aged man, just as if she knew exactly what her son had to endure.

"It doesn't matter," Henry grunted, growing red on the cheeks. "I think I broke his front teeth, it's not like he'll be talking much for a few days."

Regina was a second away from letting an evil laugh out, but she had to settle for an exasperated sigh.

"It's okay, you can tell us, kid."

"No, ma, I can't."

"Let me guess… Is it anything misogynist related to his other mom?" Emma snarled at the principal, who looked uncomfortable for the first time. "Yeah, I thought so. Why don't you start discouraging that in your stupid school, Mr., huh, Principal? There's a whole section in the Storybrooke Law Code about verbal violence and hate speech. I'll be watching you."

Regina frowned. Emma had actually read that?

The blonde stood up and waited for Regina and Henry to follow. When they moved past her, the principal called her out.

"Here's a report of the situation, Sheriff. I am making sure this won't happen again, to Henry or any other kid."

Emma looked straight into his eyes. The ghost of the Dark One was still there, and it gave him chills.

"Good."

And with that, she left the room and joined Henry and Regina in the corridor.

"I'll drive Henry home, and then I'll drop by the station so we can discuss that," Regina pointed the envelope in Emma's hand and twisted on her heels, one arm across her son's shoulders.

Henry looked back apologetically at the blonde, but she nodded in understanding. She watched them go away, then she sat down in one of the wooden benches and fished for the contents of the envelope.

There was a school file with the offensive words and a drawing that had Emma bursting into laughter at first. It was a very graphic depiction of a hyper sexualized and half naked Evil Queen, wearing dark leather garments and carrying a whip. There was also a cowboy style sketch of herself, with significantly larger boobs, staring at the Queen with her arms folded.

Emma stopped laughing when she read the text.

There was a phone number and the words Call me to join the magic moms.

She felt so angry… A fire extinguisher exploded nearby, and when the principal stuck his head out of the door, Emma was already gone.

XXX

"I got suspended and you bought me hot cocoa and my favorite kind of bagel?" Henry asked as he stared surprised at the contents in the paper bag.

Regina walked around the central island of their pristine kitchen and looked fondly at her son.

"Whatever it was you had to put up with… Thank you for standing up for me. You are among the very few people who have ever done that on my behalf," she said with an emotional, tiny smile. "And don't get used to treats, it was wrong to punch your colleague. Miss Swan and I will discuss your punishment for that, too."

"So you just wanted to sugar coat before you grounded me for defending your honor?" Henry asked, but with a joyful smile. "I think I can survive that."

Regina laughed. "You better start on some homework and study, young man. I'm gonna meet your mother at the station."

Henry nodded, taking a large bite from his bagel.

Suddenly, it felt awesome again that he had two mothers who worried themselves stupid about him.

XXX

Emma could tell her father was doing unhuman effort to keep from laughing at her face as he returned the drawing.

"So…huh," he cleared his throat. "People in Storybrooke… Young people in Storybrooke tend to… imagine things like this. It's not a big deal."

"They think me and Regina are a weird, S&M couple, dad!"

David burst out laughing, unable to hold it back a second longer. However, it was really short lived. As Regina marched inside the station, he had to transform it into a fit of cough, his wide eyes watering and his face red.

"Go see a doctor, David," she snarled with disgust, averting him on her way to Emma's desk.

"Huh, I probably just got a cold from chasing Pongo in the woods."

"Yeah, you should get better payment for doing such a life threatening job."

As sarcasm dripped from her every word, Emma refrained from closing her eyes and picturing Regina in leather garments with a whip saying that.

"Huh, dad, would you give us a minute?"

David nodded and left quickly, throwing a pointed look at Emma.

"What was that?" Regina spat.

"That what?"

"Don't bother playing dumb with me, Sheriff Swan. Well, I guess you just don't play it. That look Charming gave you? What's in the paper?"

"Huh… nothing."

"Sheriff-"

The blonde rolled her eyes. She liked when Regina called her Emma. Just Emma, like when she yelled the day Emma stepped into darkness for her. It came followed by 'idiot', but she was really getting used to it.

"It's nothing. Just teenager bullshit. Henry handled it pretty well, everything considered."

"What is in the paper, Sheriff Swan?" Regina repeated, losing her cool as she sat down on top of the desk.

"I don't want you to see it," Emma grumbled, folding her arms like a stubborn child.

"You don't want me to see it?"

"Nope."

"I'm his mother, I have to see it!"

"Trust me, you don't wanna see this, Regina-"

"That is not up to you!"

"C'mon, it's not-"

But Regina had snapped her fingers and the paper was gone from Emma's hand. With a smug smile, the mayor unfolded it and looked down. The smirk disappeared and was replaced by a frown in less than a second.

Emma imagined she would crumple it, set it on fire and never talk to her again, but Regina was really full of surprises. She folded the paper carefully as she sat down on the chair in front of the blonde.

"We need to discuss Henry's punishment."

Emma blinked. "What, you're not mad?"

"Of course I'm mad."

"Then why-?"

"Because I can't set an adolescent on fire," Regina completed the sentence with an unpleasant grin. "Henry broke his teeth for me, I think I can settle for that."

"For us," she corrected her. "I am in the drawing too."

"I'm sure you enjoyed your part on that, Sheriff."

The look on Emma's face made Regina rearrange her malicious expression. "What you suggest for Henry?"

She shrugged, staring at her knees. "A gold medal?"

"Emma."

Her name came out of Regina's lips with a tired sigh that made her completely lose focus on the matter.

"You called me Emma."

Regina tensed up again. "Isn't that your name?"

"Yeah, well-"

"His punishment, Sheriff," the mayor pressed on. "I don't have all day long to watch you babble over irrelevant things. You have a girlfriend to find you adorable even when you behave like a-"

"Nadia's not my girlfriend!"

"That's irrelevant, too," Regina said with indifference, standing up and placing the paper back on the desk. "I'm going to ground him for the rest of the week, if that's okay to your lovesick judgement."

"I'm not lovesick!"

Regina grabbed her purse. "And next time you want to intimidate someone, make sure you know their name. Mister Principal!" she scoffed. "Good day, Sheriff."

Emma kept watching the exact point of the door where the mayor had disappeared, leaving behind a trace of expensive perfume and the echoes of her stilettoes on the floor boards.

"Good day, Madam Hot Pants," Emma blurted out with a grimace, right in the second David re-entered the station.

She groaned, burying her fingers in her hair.

"I take it the conversation didn't go so well."

"She's a pain in the ass!"

He smiled at his flustered daughter. So, so in love…

XXX

"How's your hand?"

Henry took a bite from his doughnut on the way back to his house. Regina had left a list on the refrigerator with things she needed, and he thought it would be a nice thing to do once he was free from school.

He had called Emma to help him sort out groceries, but it turned out she was bad at that. It took them about one hour to get everything right, until Snow White showed up at the market. She doubled checked the list, swapped a few goods and sent them on their way to the cashier.

"Not bad like it did yesterday."

"Don't tell your mom I said that, but it takes practice to prevent bruises."

Henry laughed. "I won't."

"By the way, is she okay? I mean, I heard about that Robin dude from other people, but I guess break ups suck even in fairytales," Emma stopped by the French's flower stand. "Here," she picked white roses. "Give her these."

Henry raised one eyebrow. "From you?"

"From you, kid!"

"My mom doesn't talk much about it," he went on, accepting the flowers on a nice arrangement as Emma paid for them. "I mean, there was one day we discussed it over dinner."

"And?" Emma asked as they kept walking.

"She said she was used to the idea of not having a happy ending because she was evil and she didn't deserve love."

"That's not true."

"That's what I told her."

Henry suspected Emma would detect the small omission, but she didn't.

"Everybody deserves love, mom."

"Maybe I don't," she said with that sad smile he was so familiar with.

"Listen, Robin was just one guy. There are other people out there."

She chuckled as she caressed his messy hair. "And what people out there would want anything to do with the Evil Queen?"

"You're not it anymore. Besides, you're really beautiful."

"Oh, you think so, dear?"

"Everyone does, even… Emma."

"Emma?"

"I… heard her say it once… By accident," he added. "At Granny's… She told Ruby she had a crush on you."

"She… did?"

"Until you started bitching about her abandoning me and shit-"

"Henry Daniel Mills, language!"

It was not even like she could consider he made that up – the way Henry spoke it… It was all Emma Swan.

"Well, flowers might cheer her up," Emma said, adjusting the grocery bags on her arms. "Hey, we should always do this."

"Buy flowers to my mom?"

"Grocery shopping, kid," she rolled her eyes. "It was kinda fun, wasn't it? You and I, picking zucchinis?"

"Sure. I guess she would like that, I mean… She's a single mom since I was born. No one ever helped her."

"See? That's great to get on her good books again."

"For me? Or for you?"

"It's not me on the dog house, mister," Emma scoffed, but Henry knew she was bluffing.

"Yeah right," he chuckled.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"She's not very happy you got a girlfriend."

"For the last time, Nadia IS NOT my girlfriend! Wait…" She was frowning, and Henry could almost see the engines spinning inside her head. "Did your mom… say that?"

"Say what?"

"About Nadia!" Emma looked like she wanted to throw the paper bags at his head.

It was too fun to mess with her.

"What about Nadia?"

Emma sighed. "How can you tell? I always feel like I'm in the dog house with your mom…Especially the last few weeks."

Henry considered his options.

He could tell Emma that Regina knew about her crush. He could tell Emma that maybe it got his mom's hopes up. And he could tell Emma that her showing up with a new girlfriend might have been a disappointment.

But either way, he would have to confess he sold her out, so no deal.

"She's always been like that to you."

Emma considered it for a while as they approached 108 Mifflin Street. "It feels different now."

Henry was going to ask her what felt different, but Regina was on the front porch, hands on her hips, looking like she could murder someone.

"Where have you been with him?"

Emma looked a little startled that once again she was the target of Regina's wrath.

"Huh… He called for help, I-"

"Help with what?" the mayor cupped his face with both hands. "Are you okay, honey?"

"I'm fine, mom," he grinned, gently disentangling himself from the woman. "We went grocery shopping for you," he pointed the paper bags on Emma's arms.

Regina turned to look at the blonde. "He is grounded! You're not supposed to take him out when he's grounded!"

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh," Regina beckoned Emma inside. "Take those to the kitchen."

Emma hurried past them, dropped the bags and made her way out without even saying goodbye. That was why she was always in the dog house with Regina.

Fuck.

XXX

"So, do you want to explain yourself?"

"I was just bored, mom," Henry said slightly put out. "And we wanted to do a little something for you."

"I appreciate the gesture, but you can't keep breaking rules like that, Henry."

"Sorry."

She took a deep breath as she sat down on the couch. "Why don't you go clean up your room while I make us some dinner?"

"Okay. Here. Those are for you," he handed her the bouquet.

"You bought me flowers?" Regina asked as she took it with a joyful smile that Henry hadn't seen in a long time.

"Emma did."

Regina blinked nervously.

"She said flowers would cheer you up, and that I should give 'em to you."

"Oh!" she chuckled a little embarrassed for assuming that Emma bought her flowers. "So the babbling barbarian actually knows things… Thank you, honey."

When Henry stood up, Regina changed her mind. "In fact, why don't you help me with dinner? I'll have Emma come by tomorrow to help you with your room. Still considering relocating your things?"

Henry looked at her a little surprised. He thought the idea of dragging furniture on her polished wooden floor was out of question. "Huh, sure!"

"Good. I'll give her a call. Go ahead and get started with the salad."

As soon as he left the living room, Regina felt her body sink on the cushion. So the un-charming princess bought her flowers – for Henry, but still, she paid - and would spent the afternoon inside her house, carrying heavy things around Henry's room like a mule.

It reminded Regina of the drawing.

It was a bad idea. It was a very bad idea. She heard Henry laugh in the kitchen, and when she approached him, he showed her his cellphone.

"I just added my mom's head to a Spartan's body."

Note to self: confiscate his phone in the future.

XXX

Snow White put down a plate of freshly baked cookies in front of Emma. She looked up at her mom; the woman was smiling like a maniac.

"What dad told you?" she asked in a bored tone.

"Nothing! I'm just spoiling my little girl, is that against the law?"

"No. But bribing the sheriff for information is."

"Well, a bird told me you're in a sort of a romance."

"Literally a bird? I mean, you're Snow White and stuff, and –"

"Your dad told me," the brunette sighed with an eye roll. "Who is she?"

Emma stared at her mother. It was weird that an old fashioned royal from the Enchanted Forest could have taken so well the fact that, with the exception of Neal, her enchanted princess was into other princesses.

She had looked relieved, even, especially after Hook's rude and insistent court became more aggressive. He gave up, eventually, but not before Emma yelled to his face she was gay. Unfortunately at the time, Prince Charming and Snow White were in the same room and listened to everything.

David had that wise man look of someone who knew it all along. Snow needed time to process; a batch of cookies and several cups of tea, until she noticed it held no importance – she would always love her daughter, no matter what. ("That little speech was a little unladylike, but well, your father and I will always support you.").

"It's just a girl I met at The rabbit Hole two nights ago. No big deal," Emma sipped her coffee. "Unless you tell me she was, like, your cousin. Or my auntie."

Snow chuckled. "Nadia was from a different realm, I never met her before."

"So dad told you, like, everything."

"What he told me was that Regina really hates Nadia."

Emma didn't like that knowing look on her mother's shiny, expectant eyes.

"So everybody noticed that. Okay. What's the deal with Regina? She doesn't even like me. Or, I don't know, who she doesn't hate?"

Snow smiled at her daughter's obliviousness. "Sweetie, you're like an… Ex-husband. You and Regina share a kid, a kid she took care of alone until you showed up. Then suddenly she's letting you in Henry's life, and when she's finally comfortable with having you around…"

"I go to the principal's office with a girlfriend. Shit. Yeah, that makes sense."

"You should all get along, you know, so she understands this girl will be a nice step-"

"Whoa!" Emma stood up. "Hold your enchanted horses there, mom! I'm not … marrying Nadia! We hooked up once! Jesus!"

"I'm just saying what I understood from the situation. If she's going to be part of your life, it would be better if Nadia and Henry liked each other, and on the long run, that Regina accepts her."

Emma sat back down, thinking hard about everything. Why something so simple had to become so complicated? Not to mention she had no intention to get into anything serious with-

"Your phone's buzzing, sweetie."

"Huh?" Emma grunted idiotically, reaching out for the device and checking the screen. Speak of the devil. "Hey."

"Are you busy?"

"Huh, right now?"

"This afternoon." Emma could sense Nadia's smile as she spoke.

"Huh, yeah, no, I'm good."

"That you are. My place, three o'clock, Swan."

Emma hang up, lost in thought, unaware of her mother's scrutiny. Her phone buzzed almost immediately after she disconnected the call, and when she looked at the screen again, the name flashing gave her heart a jolt.

She promptly stood up from the stool with a goofy smile. "Hi."

Snow could recognize that bossy voice from miles.

"Considering I couldn't reach you at the station, I assume the day is uneventful."

Busted.

"Oh. Yeah! I just came over my parents' to borrow a wire extension for-"

"I need you to watch Henry this afternoon."

Emma gulped. "Today?"

"Yes, today. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, of course not, but I'll need someone to cover for me at the station-"

"I have already called deputy Charming, Sheriff."

"Oh," Emma nodded, pacing around the kitchen counter. "Okay then. I'll pick him at school."

"Don't be late."

"Why would you- Hang up on my face?" Emma let out a frustrated sigh.

"So, it looks like you are in fact successful with the girls."

"Mom!"

"I'm kidding! Lighten up, Emma," Snow chuckled.

She was going to cancel a nice laid. There was no way in hell she could lighten up.

However… The thought of being with her kid all afternoon, and then getting to see Regina after work… Well, that seemed pretty cool too.

She picked up her phone and dialed Nadia's number.

"Didn't expect to hear from you so soon, Swan."

Again, the smile on her voice.

"Huh, hey! Listen… I'll have to cancel that… appointment."

"Oh?" Smile gone.

"Regina called. I need to stay with Henry this afternoon."

"Isn't your son, like, fourteen?"

"My son got suspended, and is grounded… Regina would not have called if it wasn't important."

"Okay," she said slowly. "So, what happened?"

Emma had no idea what had happened.

"Just teenager's crap. Maybe she wants me to have the talk with him," Emma grimaced as she wondered out loud. She cleared her throat. "Can we reschedule?"

"Of course. Give me a call sometime."

Emma smiled.

"Will do," she disconnected and looked up at her mother. "Don't give me that look."

"I'm not giving you any look. Take these to your father, he forgets to eat during the day and comes home with a sour mood."

Emma took the plate of cookies wrapped in tinfoil, waited for Snow to hug her and then she left to the station again. When she arrived, she noticed she was looking forward to three in the afternoon, even though she had cancelled hot sex.

Emma walked from the station to Henry's school. She had waited until a quarter to three, when she decided she couldn't wait anymore. The only call she got before that was from the cat lady who lost her cat – he was inside the dish washer – and a few text messages from Nadia, so the day had been a slow death.

She just didn't understand.

She saw Henry all the time, and she got scolded quite often by his other mom. Emma had no idea why suddenly a day with the Mills was so indispensable and better than one night stands with pretty young ladies.

XXX

Regina arrived home at six sharp, and once she spotted the hideous red leather jacket on the backrest of a chair, she was, once again that day, reminded that the idiot was inside. Almost on cue, a thundering noise boomed from upstairs. Regina narrowed her eyes when the crystal chandelier on the hall swung back and forth and flickered.

Regina was used to brute men; she was not particularly fond of them, but she could tolerate rude mouths and lack of manners at a certain distance.

Since the fiasco with Robin Hood, she did not pay much attention to other potential love interests. It was decided she did not get to have a relationship because she had been evil, so why bother?

She stopped at the doorway to Henry's room, and was ready to a full speech on how she would burn a certain yellow bug if her house was destroyed, when the sight in front of her made her whole body shiver pleasurably.

There was Sheriff Swan, grunting and sweating and using profanities nonstop in front of their son, flexing her perfectly sculpted arms to relocate Henry's bookcase with all the books in it. Henry was merely watching, standing with one shoulder against the wall, eating a bagel like he didn't have a concern in the world.

That was a very, very unpleasant surprise how Regina's arms and legs were covered in goosebumps at light speed. Emma and Henry turned to look at her, standing there like she was having a minimized heart attack. They waved.

"Hi, mom!"

"Hi, Regina!"

She spun on her heels and hurried to her bedroom, but not before she heard Emma saying out loud "And they say I'm the babbling barbarian!"

XXX

"I asked you not to tell her I told you she calls you a barbarian!" Henry protested, even though he wanted to laugh. "A little bit more to the left."

Emma puffed, dropping the bookcase and folding her arms against her chest. "How about you get your hands dirty and help me here?"

"Fine," he left his bagel on the plate on top of his bed and walked towards his mother. "Come on, ma. It's not that heavy."

"Go ahead, then."

He rolled his eyes. It was heavy, but because she didn't listen to him and maintained the books there.

"Hey, kid?" Emma grumbled as they pivoted it a little. "Are you in trouble because I said that?"

"Maybe."

"I'm sorry, huh… to the right, now… I owe you one."

"That's okay," Henry breathed heavily as they finally managed to place the furniture where he wanted. "I told her you had a crush on her, so we can call it even."

"You did WHAT?"