A/N: This random little thing came to me when I was drunk. It's probably the most ridiculous thing I ever wrote but hey, it made me giggle. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it xD
Mrs Lovett looked at the crazy woman, frowning slightly. She didn't want her in the shop; in fact, if the coppers hadn't been watching, she probably would have yelled so Sweeney would come down and kill the wench. As it was, she would just have to gently remove the woman from the shop.
'This 'ere dust, it 'as magical powers, it does,' said the woman in a slightly demented voice. 'It will bring 'appiness to you an' your true love.'
'Yeah, yeah,' said Mrs Lovett, rolling her eyes, she'd heard it all before, and just wanted the woman gone; nice looking, respectable gentlemen were walking past and giving the shop a wide berth because of the beggar. She gritted her teeth and continued, 'Look love, if yar not buyin', then leave, cos yar not good fer me business.'
'An' neither is the loss of the man ya love,' trilled the woman, seemingly oblivious to Mrs Lovett's irritation. 'An' it will 'appen. When 'ee gets 'is revenge, 'eell be gone fasta than ya can say, "ya want a pie?"'
'Oh, fer th' love a –' Mrs Lovett growled. 'Look, if I buy ya pissin powder will ya fuck off?'
'Yes,' said the woman happily, holding out a hand to receive the coins.
Mrs Lovett slapped them into the dirty hand and sighed irritably, snatching the powder and looking pointedly at the door. The woman bowed crookedly, and shuffled over to the door, as though she had chilblains on her feet. She jumped back slightly when Sweeney appeared, scowling at her and looking at Mrs Lovett, who shrugged, for an explanation. The beggar raised her eyebrows at Nellie in a suggestive manner, something that wasn't missed by Sweeney, before leaving, cackling to herself like a lunatic.
'Wot was tha' about?' demanded Sweeney, watching the beggar woman amble down the street with a look of extreme distaste on his face.
'She was tryin' ter sell me summink,' said Mrs Lovett, placing the powder on the shelf behind her and blushing crimson. If Sweeney found out what she'd bought – even if he knew she'd been harassed into it – he would think she was as bad as the beggar was, and she wasn't having that. 'It don't matta.'
However, Sweeney saw her discomfort, and smirked slightly. He loved to watch her squirm. 'Lemme see.'
'I told ya, it don't matta!' said Mrs Lovett, now slightly hysterical as she went behind the counter and tried to get on with making pies, hoping that Sweeney would drop it and talk about something else.
But he didn't.
He grabbed the soft, velvet pouch it was kept in, and opened it slightly, peering inside. 'It looks like – like – dried pigeon shite!' he exclaimed, wrinkling his nose. 'Smells like it too!'
'Yes,' said Mrs Lovett, running round and trying to snatch it away. 'So put it down, dear,' she ordered, in a less than affectionate tone.
'Wot on earf did you buy this fer?' sniggered Sweeney, not relinquishing his hold on the pouch.
Mrs Lovett pulled it, hard, and gasped.
It had ripped cleanly into two, the 'dried pigeon shite' flying into the air and rendering her sightless.
'Mr Tee, ya bloody fool!' she yelled, swinging her arms in the air to try to clear it.
She froze. Her voice had become four octaves deeper, a familiar, rhythmic voice that constantly appeared in all her dreams and fantasies; she'd recognise it anywhere and hoped to god that she was wrong. Peering through the settling dust, she saw a curvaceous silhouette and the outline of a frizzy hairstyle.
'Mr Tee?' she asked, wincing at the pitch of her voice.
'Wot the fuck 'ave ya done?' her own voice screamed back at her.
The dust had completely settled now, and she could clearly see herself where Sweeney had stood.
She lifted an arm, only to see a large unfamiliar hand and a grubby white shirt.
This could not be happening.
She was dreaming.
Except she wasn't. She was in the body of Sweeney Todd.
This is probably the worst thing I ever wrote, but when I am next intoxicated I will probably write some more. Anyway, drop me a review; tell me what you think...
:sits back and awaits flames: