A/N: Spoilers for Never Been Kissed, but written before watching The Substitute, which adds a few new issues to Kurt & Karofsky's 'relationship'.
It's the seventh Lady Gaga song Kurt's iPod has played now, and he can't stand her anymore. Actually, he corrects himself, I can stand Gaga every day, all the time, just not now. Not for a little while. He's been trying to distract himself for hours with everything he could think of: homework, music, chatroulette, reruns of Moonlighting, Bejewel'd. He even asks his father if he needs help with anything and is met with an uninterested "Not really" from him.
So that's it, he has no choice but to think about the one thing he'd like to forget for the rest of his life; he has to think about Karofsky. About how he tasted weird and smelled surprisingly good, and about how he had wanted to keep going. And that it hadn't been horrible. But so what if that's the case? He still doesn't find Karofsky attractive, or endearing, or likeable at all, he still felt violated at the time and he still got bullied by Karofsky himself the very next day.
It's not that he wants to think about these things, about how would it be if Karofsky had been Blaine, or if Karofsky was actually a nice guy at least. He's sick of thinking about those things all the time, before going to bed, in the shower, in class, when he's texting Blaine. He's tired and exhausted but he can't stop. He cried once from frustration when he caught himself getting progressively angry remembering the scene, and then started to laugh at how ridiculous that must've looked from the outside. But now he doesn't cry, he just rests his head on his pillow and looks at the ceiling and hopes he'll fall asleep soon.
He can feel it, he's about to have a panic attack. It's like there's a light - a really disturbing light - growing inside his chest, his hands are tightening into fists and he's losing his breath. He has to open a window, there has to be a window for him to open, somewhere.
"What're you doing, homo?"
Kurt doesn't even pretend he can answer that, he just rolls down the window by his seat and takes a deep breath. Maybe if he calms down he can get over the fact that he is stuck in a minivan with Principal Figgins, his new assistant driver and Karofsky for the next five hours. Both Kurt and Karofsky were singled out from the Cheerio and Football buses respectively for causing trouble on the way to the state finals. Kurt got in a hair-pulling struggle with Santana that escalated ridiculously after she said all gay guys want to be like her. Kurt doesn't know what Karofsky did, nor does he want to, but they are both sitting on the back of the minivan, right next to each other, while Principal Figgins chats with his driver about the Lost finale and the new Paranormal Activity movie.
Suddenly, Karofsky lunges above Kurt and starts to roll the window back up. Kurt is so shocked by the unexpected invasion of his personal space that he instinctively pushes him back, immediately realizing his mistake. As much as he would've liked to not have pushed him, he did, so he tries to say something that will match the attitude, but instead he just yells "What're you DOING?" in his highest-pitched voice yet.
"I'm closing the window, gayboy, why, you gotta problem with that?" Karofsky says, closing the distance between them. Kurt's heart races too fast for him to be able to say anything so he decides to let Karofsky win this one, just this one.
"Alright, but can I please breathe some air before I roll it back up?" he says, looking at his knees and his clenched fists.
"No, roll it up now, fairy!"
"Boys, if you keep interrupting my retelling of Jack's sacrifice I'm going to suspend you both so keep it quiet back there!" Principal Figgins yells from the front seat.
Kurt seizes the chance to breathe a little air and then rolls the window back up, just in case. He then puts his headphones on and plays the Rent soundtrack for twenty minutes before falling asleep.
Kurt wakes up and sees Karofsky looking at him, then immediately looking away. Kurt hates to think the kind of prank he could've received while asleep, so he looks at himself in the back of his iPod but finds nothing wrong, except maybe his hair.
At one point Principal Figgins starts snoring, which makes both Karofsky and Kurt laugh at the same time and then stop abruptly.
Prom goes well, actually, better than expected. No slushies, bullies are drunk and busy with each other, Kurt gets to dance with his friends. The only thing peculiar was when he went to the bathroom, opened the stall door and found a drunk Karofsky sitting on the closed toilet.
"Sorry, didn't see you," Kurt says, hoping to avoid any interaction.
"Hummel?" Karofsky asks, but Kurt doesn't reply, he's already in a different stall, "are you going to pee? I'll wait for you. It's okay dude, I'm not gonna punch you or anything. Just do your thing, let me know when you're done, 'k? I'm here. By the mirror. Looking sharp." he chuckles to himself.
Kurt takes as long as possible in his stall, hoping Karofsky will either pass out or leave, but none happen, and he has to eventually come out, so he does.
Karofsky's there, looking at himself in the mirror, apparently checking his eyeballs. As soon as Kurt comes out of the stall, he spins around in one foot and smiles at him.
"Hey, Kurt, what's up?" Kurt can't tell because he's drunk, but it seems like Karofsky's... trying to make small talk with him.
"I'm fine, did you want to say something to me, Karofsky?"
Karofsky takes a second before mumbling his reply, "I'm, um... High School you know? It's... it's over... and... yeah."
"Yes?"
"I guess... I'm gonna miss you. That's all."
"Well, I'm not going to miss you. At all," Kurt says and leaves the bathroom.
The rest of the night goes in slow motion, music, dancing, singing, friends and a ride home.
The fourth month of college he gets a Facebook message from Dave Karofsky, the subject says "hey".
Kurt stares at his laptop screen for two minutes before deleting the message without reading it.
Kurt's back home for the summer, and it already feels like High School was a million years ago. It's just him, Burt and Carole; Finn went to Mexico with Rachel. His father constantly asks him if he has a boyfriend and Kurt skillfully avoids answering the question, not because he does have one and he doesn't want to bring him home, but because he had one and it's over and he'd really rather not talk about the whole subject.
He calls Mercedes and they decide to try going dancing to the only gay club in Lima, Somewhere in Time, cheesy name, cheesy music, sounds perfect.
At first he thinks he's just confused, but after a second look, he realizes Dave Karofsky is at the bar watching the strip show. Their eyes meet once on the dance floor and Karofsky raises his whiskey glass to him and smiles as a salute of sorts. Kurt spends the next hour trying to figure out if that situation brought him back to High School too rough or if he's actually happy for Karofsky now that he's fine. Sure, he'd been a horrible bully to him, but that was a million years ago, remember?
When Kurt gets home he's pretty drunk, so he decides that before going to bed, it would be best to check his e-mail, check for new Britney leaks, etcetera, etcetera. There's a new message from Dave Karofsky on his Facebook inbox. The subject line reads "so good to see you" this time Kurt opens the e-mail and read it completely, surprised by the lack of spelling mistakes.
"I'd really like to catch up with you, talk for a while, there are things I have to tell you in person." The e-mail reads, "It was kinda crazy seeing you there, did you recognize me? It's Dave Karofsky, from high school. Anyway, if you want you can call me tomorrow and we'll find a place to get together," then he had typed down his cell phone, "Please don't ignore this e-mail" was the final line.
Dave Karofsky looks so weird. He has a moustache. He's wearing a lumberjack shirt with a baseball cap. Kurt doesn't even want to think about it, but he knows that the first time he saw him like that he immediately thought of Burt. This is something he could try talking about in therapy if he ever decides to get some.
He's sitting on a bench at a park that's about two blocks away from Burt's, the sun is about to settle, and he's there, drinking Coke out of a can. He smiles when he sees Kurt, his body language shows off he is nervous, though. At first Kurt doesn't really know what to say or do, he just sits down next to him and they make small talk about their lives. Turns out Azimio (someone Kurt forgot existed) has been working as a car mechanic in Akron and they barely see each other anymore. As for everyone else, they're all in college and he... well, let's say his Hockey skills weren't scholarship-worthy.
Just as the trees start to make shadows over their faces, Kurt decides he wants to ask a big question.
"So, when did you come out?"
Karofsky looks at his hands nervously before answering quietly, "four months ago."
Four months? That's it? Kurt thinks instantly but then remembers High School wasn't a million years ago, but actually just one year ago.
"I, um..." Karofsky continues, "I'd been alone in this shithole for more than half a year, working at the gas station outside of town, and I guess I sort of got depressed. Then I got angry, like, again." He looks at Kurt in the eye when he says it, as if he understands what Karofsky's talking about.
"I was, um... Kurt, uh, one of the things I said I have to tell you is that I'm sorry."
"That's okay, I-"
"No, Kurt, I-I really am. I think about it all the time, and I just... I really regret the way I treated you, I used to shove you against the lockers for no reason other than... I don't know, it was kind of a power trip, I guess? I don't know, I've gone through it a million times in my head, and I just can't find a way to excuse myself. Wow, now I sound like a creep."
"No, Karofsky, don't. I mean, I'm over it now, but... it still means a lot."
"I'm also sorry that I think about you all the time," Karofsky adds with a nervous laughter, but if there's a joke in there, Kurt doesn't seem to hear it.
Karofsky notices Kurt's face and tries to fix it, "I meant that I think about how I was a horrible bully to you and everyone all the time and you know, that sounded like I think about you in particular all the time, which I don't. Not really."
Kurt makes an 'oooooh' face but doesn't make any sound and soon enough they're both laughing.
After it gets dark, Karofsky offers to continue the conversation at a bar. It's a small place downtown, and it's pretty empty for a summer Saturday. Kurt asks for a diet coke but Karofsky insists that he's paying so he can pick whatever he wants. He still goes with the diet coke, while Karofsky gets a beer.
They sit down facing each other by the window, but none of them can remember what they were talking about before they got in, so they both start chuckling. When they're done, Karofsky breathes and raises his beer as if to propose a toast. Kurt doesn't really know what to do so he half-heartedly raises his glass without breaking eye contact with him.
"I'm really glad we were able to... do this," he says, and before they bump their drinks, Kurt notices the hint of closure in his expression. Karofsky is sure that they will never meet again like this, and it's funny because that's what Kurt thought when he first arrived at the park, but now... he doesn't know what he's really thinking about, but maybe they could meet like this in the summer? It feels good to finally know someone back home who's going or went through the same things he did.
"Karofsky-" Kurt stops himself, it would feel more appropriate to say "-Dave, can I ask you how you came out?"
Karofsky picks up a handful of peanuts and starts playing with them. "I haven't done it completely yet."
"Oh, I thought..."
"No, I did, I mean, to myself. And I have a few friends who know. I guess you could call them friends. But... yeah, my parents don't know. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them. My dad... he wouldn't be able to deal with it. And I don't think I can afford to move out yet if I get kicked out of my house."
"I understand, it's... it's not easy. But you have to do it one day."
"I don't know... I think it'd be too much..."
"Think about it like this, if you don't there will be a time when you'll regret it, and that is when you can't do it anymore, even if you wanted to."
"You sound like my mother," Karofsky says and grins while eating a peanut.
"Shut up, Karofsky." Kurt admits that sometimes he does sound like a mom, but he can't help it.
"Anyway, to answer your question," Karofsky clears his throat before continuing, "I mean, to me... I know it sounds like a stupid excuse but it was harder for me because... God, why did I even say 'harder'? I just... I thought it would go away. I thought, hey, I'm fourteen, this is normal, I don't need to freak out over this. Like all of a sudden I'd stop jerking off thinking about football players. But I didn't, so I thought I couldn't... I wouldn't do it ever because it was just a sexual thing. Like, all I could think about was meaningless sex and anonymous blowjobs and stuff like that, but that was because I only thought about it when I wanted to...you know, when I was jerking off." Karofsky picks a peanut from his left hand and eats it. "And... this is a stupid story, okay? But I got really into Mad Men over Christmas, I bought every season on DVD and started watching it and... I don't know when exactly it happened, but I was watching either the big reveal of the closeted gay character or the part where he rejects an invitation with another dude and he nearly starts to cry. And I kind of thought, like, 'I don't wanna be that dude', you know? And so, I don't know, that was in like, February, I think? I had just lost contact with everyone from school so it was a Friday night and I got all dressed up, I put on my nicest shirt and cologne and even my best underwear and everything and just walked up to Somewhere in Time." At this point Dave's face is completely red and he's interrupting himself with nervous laughter. "I was inside for, like, twenty minutes before I ran back home. But it felt right, you know? I was scared but it felt... God, listen to me, I'm sorry you had to hear this, man."
"It was a charming story, Dave," Kurt says in his nicest voice. Dave shrugs his shoulders, still red and looks at Kurt in the eye. He doesn't break eye contact while he downs the rest of his beer. He puts the bottle down and licks the last drop out of his moustache.
"You really should shave that thing off, it's not good for you at all."
"Really? I think I look sharp. Kind of like Tom Selleck."
"First of all, you wish your whiskers were that thick, and second of all, Tom Selleck is a douchebag and you'd look much better without it."
"Okay... should I do it for me or should I do it because you told me to?" he laughs.
"You should do it for the good of mankind and cheesy porn stars of the 70's."
They both laugh.
This feels like a date. That's wrong, he doesn't find Dave Karofsky attractive or charming or cute. Maybe he's a little cute now that he blushes half the time but that's simply not enough. Dave Karofsky is the same guy who used to bruise him in school, and just because he's found closure on that time of his life doesn't mean he gets a free pass in Kurt's book. And he's still big and balding and has an awful moustache. Awful, awful moustache.
But! He does still smell nice.
Kurt pulls over in front of Dave's house and says "we're here," which wakes Dave up.
"Uh? Oh God, did I drool?"
"If you did I wouldn't tell me about it." Dave had had a few more beers while they were at the bar and he'd gone from shy to really open in forty minutes. Kurt heard all about his last year and it wasn't interesting at all, but somehow, he remained interested. Incidentally, they found a common ground in cars, not that Kurt was that into them but he couldn't help knowing more than the average person because of his father. At one point in the night, Mercedes texted him to ask if he was okay, and he texted back with Peachy.
"Well, I'm sorry I fell asleep. And about the other things I did in High School too. Wait, I already said I was sorry for that, right? Jesus, I'm blowing it already."
"It's okay, Dave, I had a nice time, maybe we can do it again next year," Kurt gives his most sincere smile and watches the transformation in Dave's face. At first he's embarrassed and grinning but he slowly moves to confused, realization, then disappointment. He puts a hand on his moustache almost instantly, as if he had done something wrong with it.
"Okay, wait, um... I'll shave this off, that's first. I mean, not now. Whatever. Kurt. Yes. There's one more thing I have to tell you that I've been, um, putting off." Alarm bells ring in Kurt's head, what seemed like a nice closure talk amongst tormentor and tormented seems to be going in the direction of sex and wow, that's not a good idea! Not at all! Is Dave getting closer? Is Kurt's hair alright? Dammit, how to find a mirror without looking like a desperate idiot... what is he even thinking about? No. He's going to tell Dave that even though he's cute and he no longer holds a grudge against him, it's just not going to work out.
"I haven't said I'm sorry for forcing myself on you in the locker room yet. There, I said it."
Kurt tries to hide his face, his embarrassment, himself desperately. What was he thinking? This is Karofsky, he's trying to make amends but he's still violent, what happens when, for example, he can't pay the rent? Does he punch a hole in the wall? No, Kurt, Karofsky's proven himself to be civil, even if it's just for one night, that counts, and Kurt's forgiven him. Okay, so maybe it's not that easy, you can't just say 'I forgive you' and expect things to change magically but... he really should say something, it's too quiet in the car.
"Thank you, Karofsky," he says in almost a whisper.
"So... will I see you next summer? Or are you staying for a few days? Maybe we can hang out or something. We could have another date. Not that this was a date. But it was kind of like date, right?" he says, laughing.
"Yeah, kind of." Kurt loosens up and smiles. A little.
"So? Can I see you? I promise I'll shave."
"That's fine, Karofsky, but I am going back to college on Monday, and I have a family Sunday tomorrow... so I guess it'll have to be next year."
"Really? Okay. Okay, it's fine," he opens the door and puts one leg out, "but in the meantime, if I send you a Facebook message with a stupid Youtube link, will you reply?"
"Fine, I will."
Karofsky gets out of the car and closes the door, then he taps on the glass. Kurt rolls down the window and Karofsky gets his face inside the car again. "One more thing: all day, I've been wanting to kiss you and I didn't try or ask or anything. I just wanted to say that. I'm not gonna ask now, don't worry, but I thought you should know."
"Well, now I know."
"Yeah. Take care, Kurt."
"You too, Dave."