Can You See Me?
I chuckle lightly as Alexis runs out of the kitchen into the livingroom. She's just like her mother. With her fiery red hair and bubbly personality. But I sigh sadly as I think about what today is. It marks a year since we lost Chloe. September eleventh. I brush my long brunette hair out of my face and slowly start putting the dishes away and in the dishwasher.
Chloe had been a first responder on 9/11. She always put others before herself. She ran into the first twin tower that got hit and started helping everybody get out. The building collapsed with her in it. They told us she died instantly, and they found her body so we could bury her, luckily.
Finishing with the dishes I walk into the livingroom, stopping abruptly. Sitting on the floor with a picture of Chloe in her hands is our child.
"It's been a year Mommy, I really really miss you." Alexis says. I feel tears well up in my eyes. I had thought she was too young to really remember. "Mama says you're safe now. In a beautiful place called heaven," she continues, "We had your favorite dinner tonight, and I ate it all up... Even though I don't like carrots." Thinking back to dinner I realise that she did eat everything. I was confused about why she was eating the vegetable she hates so much. Now, I have my answer. "i learned how to swim this summer." She begins again. "And I can even open my eyes when I'm underwater. Can you see me? I miss you Mommy." I watch through my tears as the five-year old puts the picture back on the table. Alexis turns towards me and I see small tears in her eyes. I rush forward and hug her. She sniffles into my shoulder. "Can Mommy see me, Mama?" She asks.
"Yes, baby," I reply, "She can."
I walk down the hallway planning to put the folded clothes in the rooms. As I walk past Alexis's room, I hear her singing along to a song. I smile. Just like Chloe. Did she remember what today is? I wonder to myself. I had waited for her to talk to Chloe like she had when she was five, but she never did.
After putting the clothes away I sit in the livingroom and start reading a book. A few pages in I hear Alexis stop singing and open her door. From my peripheral vision I see her peek into the room. I act like I don't notice her and watch as she quietly enters the room. She grabs the picture of Chloe she used four years ago and silently leaves the room again. Waiting a few seconds I get up and slowly walk to Alexis's room. Opening it slightly, I listen to her as she talks.
"It's been five years Mommy." She starts off and I can already feel the tears well in my eyes already. "I'm in fifth grade now. I really like computers... But, math is hard." Chloe was always good at math. She would be able to help her more than me. "Mama lets me sleep in one of your T-shirts. I think it still smells like you." I close my eyes and try to will the tears away and to control my breathing. I feel a hard lump in my throat. "I don't need to sleep with the light on anymore." Alexis pauses to sniffle. "I try not to cry Mommy, but it still hurts." my heart breaks as mine and Chloe's daughter cries. "I really miss you Mommy. Can you see me?" Just like four years ago I come into the room and hug her. This time, though, we both cry in each other's arms. I tried to stay strong for her, but i don't need to. "Can she still see me?" The ten-year old asks, choking back tears. I kiss her temple.
"Of course Alex. She's always watching over you."
I walk in from a late shift and notice Chloe's picture still on the shelf. I check Alexis's room and see that she's not there either. Walking into the kitchen I see a note on the fridge.
Hey, Mama. I'm with a friend. I'll be back around eight. Love you 3
I smile a little. I can't help but wonder if her friends know about Chloe. checking the time I decide to just make noodles for dinner. Alexis will be home in about two hours. For those two hours I do almost nothing. But around eight I hear some footsteps coming to the door. I quickly get up and look out the window feeling victorious when I find my instincts were correct. Our little girl went on a date. The girl she's with is about her height, and quite pretty. I see them start to lean in and I act quickly.
"Who the hell are you?" I ask, swinging the door open, effectively forcing them apart. The other girl stutters, not quite sure what to say.
"She's my girlfriend, Mama." Alexis steps in, daring me to say anything bad about her. I only smile gently. "Her name's Emily. She took me on a wonderful date." She pauses and turns to Emily. "Which sadly has to end. There's something I need to do." Then she gently grabs Emily's face and kisses her. She leaves Emily stunned. Starting to close the door I smirk and wave goodbye to her. Going into the living room, I see Alexis sitting on the floor holding Chloe's picture. I sit next to her. She looks at me, then back at the picture. She takes a deep breath as tears gather in her eyes.
"It's been ten years Mommy. I started high school. I made the honor roll. I hope you're proud of me." Alexis sniffles a bit and my vision gets blurry. "I'm also on the soccer team. Can you see me on the field? I started thinking about colleges. Do you think I could be a doctor?" I smile a little at this. Ever since that day Alexis wanted to help people like her mother did. "I know you'll be with me when I walk down the aisle. I try not to be sad, but it hurts." I see the tears stream down her face, and I can't stop mine. I can't hold her yet. She's not finished... "I hope you know you're my hero. I love you so much. Can you see me?" She pauses and I start to think she's done when she lets out a shaky breath, and sucks another one in. "I miss you Mommy." She leans on me and cries. But there's something different that I notice this time. "I know she can see me now, Mama"