Disclaimer: Spooks belongs to Kudos and the BBC.

A/N: I hadn't intended to write a specific fic to fill in the gaps at the end of 9.8 but an idea occurred to me and some gentle prompting from northernexposure encouraged me to write it.

Spoilers for 9.8, obviously. And something a little different, I hope.

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

John 8:32

(1769 King James bible.)

-x-x-x-

Harry watches his small team file slowly into the meeting room. They look exhausted, devastated. Ruth has clearly been crying, and Tariq too, he thinks. He waits until they are all seated.

"There's something I want you to know," he begins. "I shouldn't tell you but, given what I've done today, I don't think it'll make much difference to my position. And it may just give you some small comfort."

There's barely a flicker on the grey, tired faces in front of him.

"Albany doesn't work," he continues. "It never got past the primary research stage. The Russians found out about it and were terrified. The decision was made to keep up the pretence that the project was successful. It was all a bluff."

"It's not real?" Dimitri asks, trying to make sense of what he's been told.

Harry's gaze is fixed on Ruth as he replies. "No, it's not real. Not that that helps my position much. It was a state secret and a valuable deterrent. And I gave it away."

"But you didn't tell us," Beth says, accusingly.

"No, I didn't. For several reasons."

Harry glances around the table; the only person who seems to have some understanding of his actions is Alec.

"The fewer people who knew the truth about Albany, the better the chances were its secret would be maintained. I couldn't risk Lucas finding out it didn't work. I wanted to-"

"You think one of us would've told him?" Beth interrupts, barely able to stop herself from shouting.

"Not deliberately, perhaps, but one of you could have let something slip, or-"

"Jesus! Harry-"

"Beth." Alec's voice cuts across her, silencing her. "Harry needed us to believe in the horror of Albany. He needed Lucas to believe in it. If we'd have known the reality we wouldn't have been able to hide it from Lucas. A comment out of place or the wrong tone of voice; he would've known."

"Alec's right, Beth. I needed you all to believe that it was viable. The deception was to be maintained."

"Were you ever going to tell us the truth?" Dimitri asks.

"I was hoping that there wouldn't be any need to; that Lucas would…see reason, back down."

There is silence as they all contemplate how differently things could have turned out, if only…

"Well," Harry says, wearily, "there's just one other thing. Albany may no longer be in the UK's possession but its secret, its true secret, is not to be revealed. I'm sure I don't have to remind any of you of the consequences should that information become known."

He looks at them all in turn; the only person who doesn't meet his eye is Ruth.

"And before any of you call me a hypocrite, believe me, I'm fully aware of the irony of that statement. Anyway," he continues, " that was all I wanted to say, for now. I suggest you all go home and try and get some rest."

As they begin to leave the meeting room, Harry calls Alec back.

"I've authorised your payment, Alec. Fast tracked it. If I were you, I'd withdraw the money and take a long holiday, far away."

The younger man smiles. "Thanks, Harry. I may just take your advice." He turns to leave the room and then stops. "If there's anything else…" he shrugs, "I'm sure you'll find me."

-x-

The door to his office slides open; Harry has a good idea who it is before he looks up, and not just because she still doesn't knock.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner that Albany was a fake?" Ruth demands, anger close to the surface.

"I was about to but we got interrupted by Dimitri. I think he's been taking lessons from Tariq."

She's thrown by his rather flippant response and stares at him, uncomprehendingly.

"We hardly ever get a chance to finish important conversations," he explains. "There's always something getting in the way, be it Tariq or Dimitri or the end of the bloody world!" He shakes his head. "And then the moment's gone. Lost, irretrievably."

"Well, it's not gone now. It's just you and me, Harry," she challenges.

He leans back in his chair and looks at her. For once, she's empty-handed and her arms hang loosely at her sides. Her unoccupied fingers flex and curl as if she's trying to resist the urge to pick something up and throw it. Or punch him. Perhaps that's what they need, some sort of physical confrontation.

"Like I said, I was about to tell you, Ruth, but we got interrupted. And then I went to meet Lucas…"

It's clearly inadequate; she continues to stare at him and all the while her fingers curl and uncurl.

And then he decides he's had enough; enough of leaving things unsaid; enough of the lies and the deceit that have shrouded the last thirty-five years of his life, that have cost him nearly every person he's ever cared about.

"I took a chance, Ruth. I wanted to save you, Albany and Lucas. I got one out of three. I got the most important one."

Now he's started, the words won't stop.

"My children, and you. The three people who mean everything to me, the three people I love most in the world, are alive." He laughs, bitterly. "And the irony of it is, only my daughter doesn't hate me, in some way, at least."

Ruth finds her voice. "Harry-"

"Don't accuse me of wallowing in self-pity, I'm not; it's an acknowledgement of the truth."

"I don't hate you, Harry."

The simple statement takes him by surprise and the anger Ruth could see building in him begins to subside a little.

"I thought you were prepared to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of innocent people because you love me. How do you think that made me feel, Harry? My live is not worth that. No single life is." She pauses for a moment. "If Albany had been real, it wouldn't have just been you living with the consequences."

Harry stands up and moves away from his desk. "I understand that. But now you know the truth, do you still think your life wasn't worth it?" He takes a few steps towards her. "Do you still think it was unfair of me to love you at that moment I decided to give Albany to Lucas?"

"It still had some value-"

"But nowhere near the value of you, of your life."

She feels a familiar urge to run from him, from his feelings, from her feelings. She's never found it easy to be loved by him, or to love him; it's always been bound up in loss, in one form or another.

"When you went to meet Lucas…I thought you were going to die, Harry. I thought…" She fights down the urge to cry. "Lucas told me something. He said that he'd killed people and he'd saved people but he was still in credit. I asked him if it was just a balance sheet."

"If it all comes down to maths?" Harry asks, softly, and moves closer to her.

She nods. "My own words came back to haunt me. Then you went to meet him. And I just let you go."

"Neither of us had any choice. We thought the bomb was real."

Ruth half-laughs, half-sobs. "Yet more deceit."

Harry gently takes hold of her hands. "You and I both know that most of what we do is bluff and counter-bluff. Layer of lie upon lie. Is it any wonder we can barely remember what the truth is? What it feels like? I couldn't tell if Lucas was lying. I had no idea who, or what, he was any more. I had to go."

"But you were gambling with your life!"

"That was my choice, Ruth. I had to assume the bomb was real, that Lucas would detonate it."

She looks down at their joined hands and then back up to his face. "But when it was my turn...you gave Albany away, for me."

"It wasn't your turn. Lucas took you - he didn't give you a choice. There was no way on this earth I was going to gamble with your life. You're too precious to me. Don't you understand that?"

And she does understand, finally. She understands because she's not dead inside, not any more.

The End

Thanks for reading. :)