Dreemurr Diaries
*Note: Chara is referred to as a prince at different points in this fanfiction. I am not gendering Chara as male, I just think they would adopt the term prince rather than princess because it's what Asriel is called, and they see themselves as trying to fit into an Asriel-like role. For the purposes of this story, "prince" is not a gendered term.
I still remember holding them in my hands. They were so colorful that I could still see their blurred outlines as my vision lost focus. These crayons were the first gift from my brother Asriel. I loved him then. I knew when we first met that monsters were not like humans. Asriel Dreemurr was full of love, hope, and compassion. Even for a complete stranger that he should not have trusted. Even for a despicable human like me.
He brought me home like a lost puppy. He smiled and tried to help me along, with reassuring promises that everything would be alright, that he would take me somewhere where I'd be okay. I remember recoiling from his touch and stumbling to the ground, shouting that I could walk fine, and it only hurt a little. He gave me a tough looking branch to lean on. I gritted my teeth and kept going. I couldn't admit to him that I was dizzy, disoriented, and very sore. I couldn't admit that I wanted him to leave me alone and let me die there on the soft, loamy soil, so I kept moving forward. I asked him if he was taking me to a doctor, and he told me that he was taking me home. I wondered briefly if I had really died and he was an angel before I realized I couldn't be going to heaven, and I was still hurting.
We passed a flowering tree and came to a tidy house in the center of the ruins. Asriel called out "Mom! Dad! Somebody help!" and the door flew open. I remember how I cowered behind him at the sight of the king and queen. I hadn't learned yet that the monsters were truly harmless creatures. Even when I knew, even when I could see it right in front of me, some part of me at the core still felt threatened by their large, imposing forms. Even when I called Toriel and Asgore mother and father, I could not trust them completely as I trusted Asriel.
They were all so gentle. Toriel healed me without questioning if it was the right choice for even a moment. They asked me many questions, but I couldn't seem to speak. It was too overwhelming, so I shut out most of what they said and just hid my face in my arms wanting to disappear. Asgore laid me gently down into Asriel's bed, and I stayed there for a long time. I was too drained to cry and too afraid to sleep. Whenever the door would open, I would scurry into the corner and pull the quilt over my head and stay still long after whoever checked on me had left, until I felt myself capable of moving into a more comfortable position again.
I'm not sure how many hours or days that had passed before Asriel crawled up next to me in the bed and spoke to me quietly, "Chara, that's what you said your name is, right? You need to eat something to get your strength back. You're safe. You're really safe, I promise. Chara, please, eat some pie. It will make you feel better." He held a little bite on a fork in front of my nose. My stomach rumbled. I took the plate and stuffed the whole slice into my face. He patted me on the back, "There you go," and smiled at me with his fuzzy snout all the way up to his big green eyes.
"It's good," I whispered. He hugged me, and I didn't push him away. I let him stay with me there and over time he helped me calm down. I didn't think of it this way at that time, but this was when I started to see Asriel as my brother. It was still two or three days until I spoke to the other Dreemurrs.
They made a prince out of me, a stranger. They robed me in fine clothes and fed me and kept me warm and entertained. They educated me and gave gifts to me. The humans that bore me felt no such obligations. My own blood had treated me worse than a foreigner, and none of the other humans had stopped them or tried to help. And yet these... things... they thought they loved me. Of course, they couldn't really.
They could not know what was truly in my heart. At night I dreamed of doing terrible things. My chest would burn with the desire to crush everyone who ever hurt me. If I was stronger, if I could make myself more powerful somehow, I would slash their throats open and shove them all to the ground. I wouldn't care if they fought back or tried to run and hide, I would find them all. I would make them feel everything they did to me and more. I knew it wasn't right to want to do that so much, but it felt so lovely to think about. I didn't understand why I wanted it so badly at first. I would come to understand the loathsome nature of my humanity later. All I knew then was that sometimes these fantasies made me laugh out in bed while I slept, and though they brought me comfort, Asriel would shudder in fear.
I was called Chara Dreemurr. I was treated as an equal, but no matter how much they did for me, I could never have the purity of a monster's soul. I was still nothing but a broken, wretched human in prince's clothing. Every monster I met, every kindness that was bestowed upon me brought me closer to the truth: that monsters were everything humans were not. That monsters were fair and cared for everyone. That humans had destroyed and banished these pure beings out of jealousy, cowardice, and the darkness in their hearts. No matter how I tried to change, how I tried to fit in, I would still be one of the bad guys on the inside. Humans were evil, and to know this I had no need to look further than my own wretched desire.
And yet I was not all bad, somehow. I wished so much to be wrong about humans, to have hope that I could cage my nature. I repaid the Dreemurr family by being exactly who they wanted me to be. I drew beautiful things with Asriel's crayons until they were nothing but broken, waxy stubs. I was a charming, loyal prince. I was quiet when grown-ups were talking, and smiled whenever I remembered to do that. I tried to be like Asriel, at first. I spent as much time as possible with him reading books, hunting bugs, knitting sweaters, and visiting friends.
Father would bounce the two of us on his knees. He would kiss Asriel's forehead and tell him how special he was, and then he would turn to me. He told me that I was very important to the underground, and to everyone's future. He told me that since I was such a good child, our subjects would see that they needn't be afraid of humans anymore. I just stared into the fireplace, trying not to think about it.
Father told us that we would be moving out of the crowded ruins into the rest of the underground. He said that that would make everyone happier, and that we would explore the whole land under the mountain and make it our kingdom, all thanks to me.
I told Asriel later that it felt strange, that I hadn't done anything special, and that Dad shouldn't treat me that way. Asriel said that everyone is special, and that we can all help out just by being ourselves. I didn't really believe it, but it seemed reassuring at the time. Soon, Father had reports from the scouts he had sent out that most of the land was safe for settling.
I liked watching Asriel when he was excited. The look on his face when he saw snow for the first time after leaving the ruins was so full of excitement and awe. His whole body seemed light as we explored new places, made snow sculptures, danced in the waterfalls, and watched the shiny rocks sparkle on the cavern ceiling.
The two of us were lying on beach towels, looking up there together. "Back on the surface," I told him, "We can see the light of hundreds of stars, and they sort of look like this. Sometimes people made wishes on them. I'm not really sure why. I don't think wishing actually did anything."
"Maybe it was nice for them," Asriel said, "To think about something to want while looking at something so beautiful."
I nodded. "Maybe."
Mother and Father had a palace built at the end of the caverns, and we all moved in. It was so pleasant just to be safe, just to be warm, fed, and valued... but my cursed human nature would not let me be content with being like Asriel. I began to adapt his mannerisms to suit myself rather than copying them exactly. My dedication to being the person the Dreemurrs wanted me to be was waning, and what emerged was someone not as careful or delicate as Asriel.
The change was gradual, and my brother didn't seem to notice at all. Father enjoyed that I started taking an interest in things Asriel didn't care for, like war history and combat training. Mother protested emphatically when I asked for a trident like father's so that I could practice with him. After weeks of heated negotiations, she finally agreed to let me have a toy knife, and to just learn the basics of how to block attacks.
Of course, when mother was busy, father and I would spar in the garden, and he taught me lots more than blocking. Asriel would cheer me on, standing guard by the flower bed so that neither of us would crush father's plants by accident.
Time passed. I had no idea how careless I was becoming. How, little by little, my desire, my sense of duty, to be like Asriel slipped away.
On one of our days out in the kingdom, the whole family decided to visit the royal scientist, Dr. W. D. Gaster. Father told us that Gaster lived all alone in his new laboratory in Hotland, and that even before, in the crowded ruins, he was a recluse. Father said that he inspected the lab a lot to make sure the Doctor was doing alright down there, still taking proper care of himself, and spending some time on something besides science.
Father's expressions and the tone of his voice seemed to indicate pity. I thought that was strange. Gaster didn't have to live alone, he chose to. If he wanted to live alone and focus on his work, he might not like Father coming by to bother him with tea and smalltalk all the time. I kept this thought to myself, though, because it wasn't something Asriel would say. I still had that pretty good mental guideline for when I wanted to gain favor—only say things that Asriel might also say, unless I have a good reason for doing otherwise. After trying this for a while I felt like I was too quiet, so I would interject sometimes with a "Golly!" and that would appease them.
Anyway, mother told us that the Doctor could not speak like other people, and instead used hand signs to communicate. She had already taught some of them to Asriel, but he mostly forgot them since he didn't see the doctor much. She told us that it was okay to speak to him with our voices. Father offered to translate the hand signals directly, but Mother insisted that we try to interpret them on our own first. It made sense for Asriel to learn Gaster's language, of course, because some day mother and father would die and he would be the one overseeing Royal Science. I was just the Royal Tag-Along for these lessons.
The signals we learned that day weren't hard to remember, but they were much too simple to communicate with detail. There were more sketched in mother's book, but even with the extras, it was not a very thick book. I thought perhaps she hadn't bothered to sketch all of Gaster's signs down, but I would learn later that the Doctor's communication method was actually problematically vague.
The four of us set out on foot to the lab from New Home down a rocky cliff side. Hotland seemed to have a more pleasant climate than New Home, and the exercise was refreshing. Of course, the rest of the Dreemurrs had fur to keep them warm, and I didn't. If I were to build a castle for myself underground, I thought, I'd build it in Hotland.
My curiosity about Dr. Gaster ran away with me as we walked through construction zones and down crudely cut staircases. I drowned out mother's worrying about railings and safety fences. I imagined being a brilliant scientist with a fearsome looking lab in the middle of a lava-filled lake—maybe guarded by a dragon (But not one like that loser dragon in Art Club). My family hadn't said what exactly Dr. Gaster was working on down here, but I knew that some of the construction projects we walked past were his designs. Tall spires of pipes and grates, rising, rising away from the glowing magma and vanishing into the shadowy ceiling of the cavern. Though they had to be for something more useful than just looking amazing, I could not think of what they might do.
When we arrived, the lab was disappointingly small compared to what my imagination had conjured. It was a simple cube-shaped two-story building. The doctor invited us in, and gave us hand-signs for greeting. We went up an escalator to his living quarters, past all kinds of interesting looking drawings and parts, and crowded around a tiny table to talk with him. He only had two chairs, so mom and Dad knelt on some cushions instead. They each chose a side of the table next to Dr. Gaster's seat. Asriel sat on mom's lap, and I took the chair across from the Doctor.
The hand-signs Gaster made flashed by a lot faster than I had expected, and I wasn't able to catch anything he was saying at all for the first five minutes. Father completely forgot about translating for us, and just sat there talking and laughing. I leaned over to Asriel quietly and asked if he could understand anything. "Only a little," he mouthed, and I nodded. Mother had brought out a crossword puzzle by this point, and everyone was ignoring the dish of ominous-looking hard candy in the middle of the table.
It was a not-quite-Asriel thing to do, but... after a while, not being able to understand and having so many questions had become a little maddening.
"Father," I interrupted, "excuse me, but I'm having trouble keeping up with the speed of the signs, and I really would like to know what you and Dr. Gaster are talking about."
"Oh," said Father. I seemed to catch him off-guard. "We were discussing the power core that the Doctor is building here in Hotland, and … eh... a few other things. Heh," he looked away from my face.
By this point, I had learned that was a signal for "Don't ask any more questions." I turned to Asriel and tried to make my eyes move like his, not letting the lines of my mouth slip into an indicator of dismay.
Dr. Gaster, however, seemed eager to discuss something with me now. He leaned forward across the table, almost knocking over the candy dish, and held his bony hands close to my face. He signed slowly so that I could pick up all the words. I repeated out loud what I could interpret. "Obstacle..." I said, he nodded excitedly at that one, "outside... stop... essence... use?"
Dr. Gaster's eye sockets began to glow as he stared at me and nodded. I turned to Asriel with a shrug, "What does that mean?" then looked at Father, who seemed a bit bothered.
"Uhm," Asriel squeaked, "I think the first word is talking about the Barrier, uhm," Gaster gave him a big thumbs-up and a grin, turning his attention to my brother now. "The barrier to the surface world? And... terminate. End, or...? but what does he mean by using a soul?"
Gaster was practically touching Asriel's shoulders by the time mother stood up. "I think," she said, "That this has been quite a fun visit. But I want to finish the baking in time for supper, so we will have to head back to the castle now."
Father nodded, "We'll have you over to visit us some time, my friend. It was nice to see you. Goodbye."
Gaster sighed, and politely made signals for "Sorry," "no," and "work."
And Dr. Gaster kept looking at me while we rode down the escalator. No monster had ever looked at me like that. I was a lot better at reading expressions than hand signals—I had to watch very carefully to learn to copy how monsters moved their faces. Dr. Gaster was not looking at me like a friend, but like some important part of a machine he was about to build. This scientist stood out among the monsters in the underground. Even though his lab was small and looked unimpressive, I still thought that he himself made a strong impression.
And then all the thoughts fell together, thanks to Asriel's help.
"So you need me, my soul, to break the barrier to the surface?" I said.
Everyone stopped moving. We were nearly at the doorway.
Gaster nodded slowly, smile quivering.
"Well? Just tell me what you need. I'm not afraid. Everyone here underground has been so good to me, and I thought I could never really repay them. But maybe now I can do it. You can do whatever you want with me."
Dr. Gaster smiled sadly and patted my head, moving back away from our family and the exit.
Mother looked horrified. Father picked up all 3 of us on his shoulders and carried us out of the lab, all the way up the stairs until it was out of sight. Dr. Gaster was waving as we left, but he made no attempt at additional hand-signals. We probably wouldn't have seen them clearly anyway.
And then I realized something else important: I had made some mistake.
Everyone was looking at me like I was different now. How had I deviated from their expectations? I was only being selfless, thinking of others, doing what I would do if I were Good Monster Chara Dreemurr, right? What was the big deal?
Mother took me off to the side while father started talking to Asriel about some puzzle that would be built here. Her expression was stern, and I started to shake. I dropped to my knees and squeezed my eyes shut, wishing that I could take back whatever I had done.
"N-now, little one, don't be so upset," mother said gently. "It is not your fault. We are only worried about you."
I still felt so tense. She took me into her arms, "It is alright. Do not cry. I just want you to promise me something, and I will feel much better."
"W-what's that?" I said in a cracking voice, without opening my eyes.
"You see, child..." mother began, pausing to breathe, "Dr. Gaster certainly means well, but his ideas about using human souls are, frankly, very wrong."
She brushed the hair out of my face and kissed my forehead. "You are so precious to us. We don't want to lose you. It scares us that you would give yourself away so readily to someone you just met for something you do not fully understand. Even if you and the doctor are both only trying to do something good. Please promise me that you will never again tell someone that they can do anything they want to you. Can you do that, small one?"
I nodded stiffly.
"Very good. That is very good," she took my hand and helped me up. I clutched my stomach meekly. I couldn't stand feeling this way again, after all of the time I spent feeling accepted... feeling okay. Apparently someone totally selfless and good was not who the Dreemurrs wanted me to be after all.
"It is good, I suppose, that you are learning to trust some other people. I do not want to downplay that progress. At times, you must understand, good intentions do not always make good things happen. Dr. Gaster has taken many risks in his experiments to gain the vast knowledge he has. None of us want one of those risks to be you, no matter how great the benefit would be, should the Doctor succeed." She squeezed my hand as we walked together. "My dear little one..."
Something cracked inside me. The choice wasn't mine to make, I knew it wasn't. It was easy to let go of how I felt now and put the Asriel-mask back on. "I am so sorry I worried you mom," I said "I wasn't thinking." I hugged her legs tightly in my arms. "Please, please forgive me. I didn't mean to be reckless. I just wanted to help."
"I understand, sweet Chara," she placed a hand on my back, "I simply worry too much. No harm will come to you. Let us go home now."
"You know what would make me feel better?" I choked through my crocodile tears, "If … we could... make cookies together. When we get home."
"That sounds wonderful, child," she said.
From then on, copying Asriel only happened on the outside, and in a few days the incident was forgotten, but I was especially careful around mother after that. She seemed to be watching me more closely than before.
The first day I got in trouble, I was training against father with my toy knife. I stumbled back to dodge a burst of Father's fire magic, and I hit Asriel backward into the flowers. He fell flat on his back and started to sob his eyes out, looking at all the flowers that he ruined. I turned around to looked down at him. I just looked. I couldn't bring myself to give him any false comfort that afternoon.
Father came and helped him up. I couldn't help but notice how small and pathetic Asriel seemed, lying there. He was supposed to be the heir to the kingdom of monsters, the greatest kingdom in the world, and all he could do was sob on his back when he was knocked over because he crushed a few petunias and might have a bruise. This was a problem. Asriel didn't need to be comforted, he needed to grow a spine.
Father asked me to apologize to him. I refused. I told Asriel he was stupid to cry, and that obviously things like this and worse things are bound to happen, and that he should handle them better than this. Father just looked at me with disappointment, but Asriel seemed to glimpse inside me for the first time. It was like he almost understood then what it meant that I was human. I scared him, and part of me was enjoying it. I didn't care that father didn't agree, I didn't care that Asriel didn't like it, because I was right.
When mother heard what had happened, she told me to go to my room and stay there until I felt like saying sorry. I turned off the lights, climbed into bed, pulled my knees against my chest and let out all my breath. "Why am I so angry?" I wondered. "How long can I keep the human inside from getting the best of me?"
But deep down, past the chaos inside me, I was still right. Asriel would have to be stronger. No, that wasn't enough... I'd have to make him strong. I was the only one who would actually do it. Someday we may have to fight each other. On that day, I'd want him to beat me and be the champion of the underground, ready to vanquish humanity and establish the reign of monsters.
Our subjects usually held their tongues about humans when they thought I was listening, but when I would overhear them talking they always confirmed my views on the subject. Many of them knew how evil humans were. Many of them knew that, inevitably, there would be another war. Even the old hero Gerson thought one more battle was inevitable, but one that would end in the monsters' defeat.
While curled up in my time-out, I recalled the times that Asriel and I walked through Waterfall by ourselves and stopped for some of Gerson's Sea Teas. Gerson was the one citizen of our kingdom that wasn't bashful about speaking his mind to me on the subject of humans. We discussed the war, the barrier, the dangers of human society, and the monsters' ancient lore. He had no idea, of course, that our innocent chats about legend and history were helping me make up my mind about many things. I decided that I would never side with humans even if I was doomed to be one of them. I would do everything I could to make the monsters win, even if it meant I lost out in the end.
For the Dreemurr family, for the only ones that had proven themselves to be good in the world, I knew I had to prepare Prince Asriel, my brother, for his role.
And then... there was that prophecy. Even though I didn't feel like an angel inside, I had seen the surface and... some people believed in me. Maybe I could make something good happen after all, I thought. Maybe I had been hardened for a reason. Maybe this anger, this human pain inside me, might help me prepare Asriel in ways no monster could. All reason told me I should have been dead when I fell down into the mountain. This prophecy might have been why I was still alive.
And so as I continued to sit in my first time-out, I started planning things I could do. I started working on how to get into my brother's head and make him change. It wasn't difficult to start. I began that night, with a gentle whimper under the covers. Even though he was tired, even though I hadn't been kind to him, he crawled out of bed to my side. He put a hand on my shoulder and asked if I was okay.
I pulled down the covers and wiped at my eyes, and told him I was so sorry for not helping him up in the garden. He told me that he had already forgiven me, but he asked why I said those things I did. I told him that it's because humans are all very, very bad people, not like monsters. I hugged him at my side, and he sat up in my bed with me.
"Asriel," I said, "I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone before. Before I fell down here, nobody loved me like you and mom and dad. I lived in the loft of a country church, and I had no mom or dad to look out for me, just an uncle that rented me out like a slave. The humans where I came from barely gave me enough food to eat, and I had to work very hard or they would hit me. They always called me names and never thanked me for anything. The last day I lived there I knocked over an expensive plate, and it shattered. They all tied me up, hung me upside-down from a barn beam, and left me in the cold all night. I thought I was going to die. My spirit was worn so thin, and I felt nothing but misery. Somehow, I was able to pick apart the ropes and escape. I ran away into the mountains so that I could kill myself quickly. I just wanted to stop hurting. Oh, Asriel. Asriel, I hope you never have to know what it's like..."
We sobbed in each-others' arms as I told him stories of human cruelty that I had endured. I told him that I was fighting hard to keep my inner humanity from coming out and making other people hurt. I told him I was sorry for everything I ever did and ever would do to hurt him, and that I couldn't help it sometimes, because it was just my nature. I said he had to promise not to tell mom and dad. I didn't want them to see me like someone bad. He said it would be our secret. He promised that he would understand when I slipped up because he was my brother and he wanted me to keep trying. We hugged for the rest of the night, and I let my warmth radiate into him as he closed his eyes and slept.
Perfect. It was working perfectly. He was eating it up.
After that, getting into trouble was worth it every time. Thanks to that night, no matter what I did or said, Asriel would always defend me. I could call him a weak little cry-baby. I could make him ashamed of not being strong. I could push him, and I could make him do what I wanted and he still wouldn't hold it against me... and in between times we would bake pie. We would still tend the flowers, and we would joke and laugh like monster princes do. I loved him, after all, perhaps then more than ever. Certainly more than anyone else I had ever known. He was not changing just as I wanted him to, but I realized it would take more time.
I told myself that whenever I hurt Asriel that I only did it for his own good. Of course this was a lie, but I didn't realize that then. I thought it was alright to enjoy dominating and controlling him because I was doing something good in the end. I would never have let myself harm him for the sake of my own satisfaction, and yet that feeling sometimes overshadowed my true purpose. This, too, would come to my attention as a problem.
And my dreams changed at night. Now Asriel and I would punish the humans together and laugh at how they feebly attempted to fight back against our incredible power.
Then, when I realized what I had let myself become, there where nights when my crying was more than just part of the plan. I was overwhelmed at times, and some nights I felt like it was too much to bear. Those were the nights when it was the hardest to let Asriel hug and comfort me. Those were the only times when I knew I couldn't kick him away or push him down, or it would jeopardize everything I was trying so hard to accomplish with him. His arms around me felt so wrong. I knew I didn't deserve them. It was so much easier when the emotions weren't real.
On one night like this, I couldn't hold everything in. I pushed him out of my bed and he hit the floor hard. He didn't cry this time, he just pulled himself back up. He was making progress after all. I took his hand. I was shaking, but his strength gave me courage.
"Asriel," I said, "I'm so angry. I can't stand it. So angry at the humans up there that made my life hell, that beat me and spit on me and threw me away. I don't want to hurt you, I want to hurt them. I want to give them what they deserve, and then cleanse the world by wiping them from existence. And I'm afraid, too. I'm afraid for you, and for mom and dad, and for everyone in our kingdom that if there's another fight, you'll lose and there'll be nobody left worth trying to be good for. Every night I relive memories or stay up worried about future fates where I'm powerless to do what I have to, for you. But we don't have to be weak, Asriel. You can learn fire magic, and dad can teach us how to fight, and one day..." I smiled, "we'll go through that barrier." My eyes burned red in the darkness of our tiny bedroom, and I was filled with Determination. "We'll go through that barrier together, brother, and we'll do what we have to. For everyone we care about, we'll make things right."
"Chara, I don't know... I can't..." he looked at me and swallowed, "I just don't..." he breathed in sharply, "N-No, you're right! I can't be a wimp or a loser, not if I could do something to help you. Please, I don't want you to scream in your sleep anymore. I don't want you to be angry anymore. I want you to know that you can be good. I want you to know that you're okay. But are you really sure that this is what it will take, to make you happy, Chara?"
I nodded, "It's our only chance."
"Well then," he chuckled nervously, "If that's what it takes... we'll do it some day."
"Y-you promise?!" I stood up out of bed and hugged him with all of my strength.
"Chara, you're crushing me."
"You promise?!"
"I-I promise, Chara."
I eased my grip, closed my eyes, and whispered, "Thank you..." stroking the tuft of fur behind his head. We both slept in Asriel's bed that night. And it dawned on me slowly that this was the end of my plan. I had Asriel now, but what could we do? Maybe I'd be able to figure it out in another long time-out for a sufficient escalation of mischief... mischief came easily these days.
"Ey, brother," I whispered, "Wake up... we should bake a pie!"