Blinking is necessary; breathing is optional. Welcome to Night Vale.
Merry Christmas, listeners. Tomorrow is the annual Bring Your Estranged Relative to Work Day. So make sure, listeners, that you have contacted that one relative that you haven't talked to since Christmas holidays five years ago and invite them to your job. Invite them before they invite you. No one wants to be a bother at someone else's workplace, especially on Christmas.
The PTA meeting has hit a snag this afternoon. The Glow Cloud, who you all know contributes a large amount of its time to the PTA, is angry over the lack of fighting on school grounds. Fights between children teach them how to survive in the world outside of the classroom. "It's important for the young ones to defend their right to live," the Glow Cloud said to the assembled parents, "When the school discourages fighting, the next generation will be weaker!" The Glow Cloud then proceeded to quiver and drop a few dead animals on the stage, including an antelope, a lion, and a hive of angry buzzing bees.
The bees, it turns out, were alive, except for the queen. They are now roaming the school in search of a new queen to lead them. I have sent my new intern Brian to gather information about the bees and why they need a new queen. More on that story as it develops.
This week on the Community Calender:
Monday: There will be a slight chance of not being able to see through your eyes. Make sure you have an alternate way to see, listeners. The Sheriff's Secret Police would like me to remind you that even though you cannot see the Dog Park, you are still not allowed to look at it, or talk, think, or even be near the Dog Park. Dogs are not allowed in the Dog Park.
Tuesday will repeat endlessly as you watch the person closest to you die over and over again in mysterious ways. The Arby's is introducing a new special called Pig n' a Poke. Come in and try one today.
Wednesday is National Talk Like a Canadian day, eh.
Thursday: HUG YOUR LOVED ONES GOODBYE, PUNY MORTALS, FOR YOU WILL FIND NO ONE FORGIVING HERE.
Friday: Make sure you have a suitable sacrifice ready for our new overloads, listeners. They will only except loved ones you spurned years ago. Using the person you brought to Bring Your Estranged Relative to Work Day is NOT acceptable. You must use someone else.
On Saturday, the Night Vale bowling league is meeting in front of city hall to demand the use of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex for the semi-finals of Bowl For Your Soul, the semi-annual bowling competition. Come on down and help take back the bowling alley from the underground city! Refreshments will be provided by Big Rico's Pizza. No one does a slice like Big Rico's. No one.
Sunday is Bowl For Your Soul. Please arrive at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex an hour before the festivities to submit your soul and pick up your bowling shoes. Make sure you have cleaned your soul from any infectious diseases and parasites before submission. The time will be announced by a gentle whispering in your ear right before you fall asleep.
This has been...Community Calender.
An update on the bee situation over at the PTA meeting. Brain is hiding out under the bleachers and has informed me that the bees are starting to sting people in their search of a leader. He interviewed the squadron leader who stung him in the left bicep. Phillip, the bee in question, reveled that they are at war with the ladybugs living in the Whispering Forest. The dead queen was a master strategist and was going to assure their victory, but with her dead, they need to find someone new. As of now, they have not found a suitable replacement, but they will expand their search to the rest of the town.
Oh, Brian has just informed me that he is allergic to bee strings: deathly allergic. Well, Brian, you should get that stinger removed quickly. I'm sure one of the mothers at the PTA meeting know how to treat allergic reactions such as bee stings.
Listeners, I am happy to inform you that Khoshekh and his kittens are perfectly healthy after their visit with the vet. Now, since they cannot be moved from their place in the men's bathroom, the vet came to our little radio station with all his tools. Each of the kittens have been implanted with a tracking and disarming device in case they run off or get kidnapped. They have also been vaccinated against small pox and swine flu, both of which has been going around the cat community for the last year. Make sure you take your cats for regular check-ups, folks. Keep them healthy and happy, else they'll sell you into slavery in your sleep.
This has been...Community Health Tips.
You see that man roaming the the juniors section of the local store. Do not spurn him. Take him home, give him a warm meal, a bed to sleep on, and prayer stones to worship on. He will not harm you. He is good. He will bring only good karma into your home. Let him stay until New Year's. Never let him leave. Lock him in your basement next to the boxes of old memories. Tie him to the pole you sharpen your sword against. Make him eat the pie that's been sitting in you refrigerator since Thanksgiving, and wish him a happy Fourth of July, even though it's Christmas. Make him feel welcome on this joyous holiday, who knows, maybe someone will do the same to you one day.
This has been...Traffic.
Carlos the Scientist, my boyfriend, has informed me that weather has ceased to exist in Night Vale. He's not sure what effects this will have on everyday life, but he's looking into it. I've been invited to help out at my perfect Carlos' lab after the show today. I'm so excited, listeners. We haven't had a chance to go on a date in a week or so because of various work occurrences. Usually I'm the one that has to cancel because of some breaking news story, but Carlos is always there investigating, so we see each other then. But this time, listeners, it'll be just us, in his lab, doing experiments. Maybe I'll have the chance to talk to hm about moving in together. Oh, I hope so. It was be wonderful to always see my perfect, beautiful Carlos everyday.
Oh, Station Management is kicking up a fuss from behind their door. I guess I have to get back to the news now, listeners. Since I cannot bring you the weather today, due to the unforeseen circumstances, here is a word from our sponsors.
Don't stay at home at become a stain on the couch. Get up and try something new. Learn what's it like to see the world from high in the sky, and then drop bombs on it. Concentrate on those feelings of death and destruction. Pack with mayhem in mind and bring a shovel. No one will stop you. They'll help. The first two bags are free with drink purchase. Don't take no for an answer and make sure they all know you mean business. Learn what it's like to free fall surrounded by hundreds of strangers. Southwest Airlines: you are now free to move about the country.
Oh, oh I see. Thank you. I have just been handed a note that says that Brian died from multiple bee stings. The squadron leader thought that because Brian was reacting to the sting, he was the new queen, so most of the other warrior bees stung him to help speed up the process. If the family of Brian would like to claim his body, it's inside of a plastic bag in the nurse's office. Please ask for Nurse Sarah.
Some good news, listeners, the late queen's 876th daughter had a new baby just after Brian died. This new female bee is named Brian and will lead the bees to their victory against the ladybugs in just sixteen short days when she is an adult.
The bees have retreated back to their hive in the forest and the PTA has resumed their negotiations. According to Intern Ellie, they have come to the agreement that every student will be allowed at most three fights a day before a teacher or militant officer breaks it up. This is great news, everyone! Our children will get the stimulation they need by being in mindless fights and they will be much more behaved at home. It also gives them a chance to learn how to appropriately deal with threats to their person. Parents, make sure your children know that if they want something, they will have to fight for it. Pass your knowledge onto the next generation. After all, the children are the future of Night Vale, and without proper training, the town will cease to exist.
As the show comes to a close, please stay tuned for the sound of sleigh bells ringing and terrified screaming.
Goodnight, Night Vale, goodnight.
i know way more about bees than I ever wanted to. Night Vale is fun to write! Also, the Supernatural reference was intentional. See if you can spot it :P Happy holidays!
~Lord Rebecca-sama