Your Doomsday Weapon Doesn't Come with Instructions
"Well, is it ready?"
The forceful, commanding voice of the Great Uniter shook the engineers to their feet. They looked on at her, unsure of how to break the news, mostly out of fear that she would just metal bend blades across their throats. Finally though, one engineer stood up and looked at her.
"We're…having problems with the design you showed us."
"It was flawless!" Kuvira exclaimed. "Nothing will stop the Colossus when completed!"
"This design, right?" the engineer asked. Holding up a piece of paper, the engineers looked on at it. It was a drawing done in crayon. To be fair, the artist put a lot of effort into the drawing, showing a metal robot with the word "Me" on an arrow next to it. The robot was stomping a city, with the caption reading "Stupid Avatar".
"It's perfect!" Kuvira declared. "It's a giant robot with a giant gun! What could possibly go wrong?"
The engineers all looked on at Kuvira nervously, until the first engineer walked up to Kuvira, gulping as he did so.
"Maybe we should look at the completed parts first."
"It had better be quick," was Kuvira's reply.
"Well we sadly had to make some concessions," the engineer confessed.
"Like?"
"Like you can't summon the Colossus by saying 'Rise Shining Gundam!' for starters."
"Then how am I supposed to start it?" Kuvira asked.
"By getting in the control room and putting the key in the ignition."
Kuvira looked on at the engineer for a brief moment before going, "I'm starting to have serious doubts about your ability to deliver on this project."
The crew at the base of the machine was hard at work at making the feet of the Colossus. This pretty much amounted to creating giant flat platinum feet to be attached to the legs of the unit. Immediately, the engineer pointed out the first problem.
"Isn't this a little…inefficient?"
"They're big feet. Big robots need big feet."
"I mean the feet thing," the engineer clarified. "You know, why not have wheels? Or put the cannon on a truck? It'll take forever for this thing to walk where it needs to go!"
"How can I squish the Avatar without giant feet?!" Kuvira pondered aloud.
"I was hoping we could run her over instead. How about tie her to train tracks and run her over with that fancy train you ride around in?"
"Now that would just look ridiculous."
"I really am questioning the upper body of the unit having only one weapon in the Spirit Vine Cannon. What if someone gets close and you can't fire it?"
"That's what the giant arms are for!" Kuvira exclaimed. "You know, to swat them away like flies."
"I was kind of wondering if we could have something else. You know, like guns on the head of the machine to shoot at say…Air Benders who tried to sabotage it?"
"The odds of that happening are nonexistent."
"OK, and what if something happens to the Spirit Vine Cannon? You don't think it makes even a little sense to give the machine some sort of backup weapon?"
"What's wrong with squishing people with the arms and legs?"
The engineer grabbed Kuvira's hand briefly, causing her to turn a slight shade of red. He then pushed the hand into her face, slapping her.
"Because if you miss, you hurt yourself."
Kuvira's reply was rather direct.
"Do that again and I'm going to make sure you lose your arm."
"Yes Ma'am."
"Here's the Command Center Great Uniter. Although I'm kind of worried about the fact that you expect to look out the window and that's it."
"What's wrong with the window?"
"What if it rains? Or something makes them dirty?"
Kuvira pondered the question, and then looked at the construction crew.
"You two! Put windshield wipers on the windows immediately!" The response of the pair of workers was immediate.
"Yes Great Uniter!"
"You know what?" the engineer began. "I don't think you're going to listen to my suggestions."
"And I'm horribly disappointed at this machine so far," Kuvira answered. "You didn't even give it a giant sword! See? It's in the picture!" This of course, was a second picture of the Colossus with a giant sword slicing apart a building labeled "Stupid Suyin."
"So I'm fired?"
"Yes!" Kuvira exclaimed. "Now get out of my sight before I fire you from breathing!"
The engineer walked off, muttering to himself, "I hope Varrick isn't this bad to work for."
Epilogue
80 years later –
"You want me to build a personal battle mecha for Korra?"
"Exactly. Any ideas?"
"Sure. How do we make the Colossus not suck?"
Very brief note, the epilogue concerns an ongoing fic I'm writing, Avatar: The Realignment. It's completely irrelevant to understanding the fic at hand.
May try my hand at more one-shots provided I can actually, you know, deliver effective stories in shorter timeframes.