Title: The Potter-Sue Incarnate
Author: Za Webmaster Authoress
Posted On: September 1st, 2008 - (1st chapter edited on September 17th and typos/errors are fixed)
Real Summary: Mary-Wisteria Noelle Opal Kat Faye Mellinda Felina Colbert Vardainiel Allegiance Daciana Lamia Cullen, daughter of Edward Cullen and Orchid Grey, is off to Hogwarts after being homeschooled in America by her aunt and uncle. She's got a weird, unusual, and tragic past to go with her abnormalities. Accompanied by a collection of strange creatures, items that will make you scream "NO! JUST NO!", a heritage to make you cringe, and of course, she's got the looks of a goddess. Everyone is falling for her left and right! Is there any hope of saving canon and slaying this Sue once and for all? Special guest appearances from characters of Twilight and Lord of the Rings, and perhaps a cameo or two from all over. This abysmal Sue may be perfect, but as we all know, perfect doesn't always go well when it gets smacked in the face with a dose of reality.
Genre(s): PARODY/Romance/Adventure/Angst/Tragedy/Humor/Hurt&Comfort/PARODY
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, I wouldn't have killed off who Rowling killed off.
Rated: T
Warnings/Rated For: Language, tragedy, possibly some violence/bashing/gore later on if I really pissed off with the Sue, lack of canon/earth logic...
Notes: I know from the summary it looks like a real attempt to write and that I failed on epic proportions. I didn't. This is a parody, or as some call it, a troll, but seeing as how this is legible and follows most of the rules of English I think it's more of a parody. I may make some typos, errors, etc., and if I do, I apologize.
Mary is apparently a MarySue or something. I took the litmus test and got an ultra-high score. Like over 50 points meant you had a Sue and needed to "kill it dead" and I scored over 230 points. XD I hope you enjoy, and oh yeah, I'm begging you: REVIEW!!
Chapter One
Smiling the dazzling, crooked smile she inherited from her father, Mary-Wisteria Noelle Opal Kat Faye Mellinda Felina Colbert Vardainiel Allegiance Daciana Lamia Cullen looked at herself in the mirror. Despite her many names, she was called to as "Mary"
Her pin-straight hair fell down to below her perfectly shaped, smooth shoulders. Shock white, like freshly fallen snow on Christmas, it didn't make her look any older, in fact it only made her beautiful, youthful appearance more evident. Throughout it were streaks of a brilliant red like a maraschino cherry, electric yellow that could match a highlighter, lime green so bright it made one blink, neon blue that was incredibly vivid and vibrant, bright purple, and brilliant vivacious pink. The bangs that fell down her perfect forehead to rest less than inch above her alluring eyes were pitch black. The tips of her hair were also jet black, standing out against the vivid array of colors.
As a Metamorphagus, however, Mary could change the natural color of her hair to a more average color at will, and often did so in order to blend in with normal people.
Her perfectly shaped left eye was the lightest of silvers, almost appearing white, looking as if they were chips of the moon. Her right eye was the darkest metallic grey, just a few shades shy of black. This was how her eyes normally were, however, for when her mood changed, her eyes took on the color most accurately describing her mood. For example, if she was enraged, they would swirl to become a mix of colors like molten lava, dark red and bright red, dancing like flames. Excited about her first day at a new school tomorrow, the colors mixed and swirled to become a bright, highlighter yellow almost like her hair, with the slightest tinge of bright green.
"I can't wait to go to Hogwarts!" she squealed, clapping her smooth hands together like an excited child, "Dad's going to see me off!" she giggles at the thought of seeing her father, for his visits were few and far between.
Her father was none other than Edward Cullen, making her half-Vampire. Her mother, whom Mary had never heard much about, for it grieved Edward very much to talk of her, had died suddenly and mysteriously when Mary was only five years old. Edward swore that she and Mary's older brother, Colbert, had been murdered, and Mary grew up with a passion to find out who had murdered her mother and older brother, and kill them.
What she did know about her mother was that she was a mysterious crossbreed of dragon, wolf, cat, fairy, elf, witch, and Veela. Most of her names, save for Mary, were chosen because they corresponded with her unique heritage or had something to do with her family.
Noelle was a French name, and Mary's Veela grandmother lived in France. Faye meant "fairy", and her great-grandmother was a fully fledged fairy., Lamia meant "vampire", and her father was a full vampire. Vardainiel meant "exalted goddess" in Elvish, as her grandfather, Legolas Greenleaf, had been an Elf of Mirkwoof before he had married his half-dragon wife. Daciana meant "wolf" and was because her great-grandfather was part wolf. "Felina" was chosen because her mother had become part-cat due to a spell gone wrong at a young age. Mellinda meant "dark serpent" to coincide with her dragon heritage. Opal was chosen because it was her mother's favorite, and now Mary's favorite, of the precious stones. Colbert was the name of her older brother, who died alongside her mother. Allegiance was chosen because her mother always liked the name. Wisteria is a shade of purple, and her mother's middle name.
Which means due to her heritage, she possessed wings. They were huge wings that spanned about 3 ½ feet each. They appeared like dragon wings almost, with the strong, obvious bone structure and the barely translucent membrane. However, they sparkled and glittered like a fairy's wings. They shifted colors and shimmered like a rainbow that had been pooled into the form of magnificent wings. Her wings, due to her fairy magic, had the ability to merge into her body and become tattoos. This was useful for when she wanted to blend in.
In addition to her stunning wings, she also had extra sharp and slightly more prominent canine teeth from the wolf, vampire, and cat part of her bloodline. Her beautiful nails and white, straight teeth were sharp and very strong, but otherwise, it was almost impossible to tell if she had any such heritage.
Her outfit that day was a very beautiful, sleek dress. It was a delicate shade of pink, duller than her fluorescent hair, but bright enough not to be considered dark. It came down to just above her knees, and had two straps like a tank top would that showed off her smooth shoulders. The corset-like bodice of the dress was encrusted with vivacious, hot pink jewels of various sizes and shapes, accenting her beautiful curves. The lace-up part of the dress used a hot pink string, and the rings that the string were woven through were golden. The dress was sleek and not puffy, but a beautiful white embroidery of roses on vines all around the bottom of the dress helped to make it even more elegant. The very edges of the dress were as if it had been delicately glided over a pool of liquid gold, so that it just barely dipped into it. A belt made of real white roses hunt around her hips, enchanted to never die or be damaged. Her high heels were a soft white and had intricate shimmering off-white rose designs into the material, and the shoes went up to just below her knees. The rings where the white laces went through were also a soft white.
A delicate silver chain with a gorgeous, black opal pendant was hung around her slender neck, a gift from her father several years ago. She also had a .999 silver ring around her right index finger, with all the signs of the zodiac engraved on it. Her zodiac sign had a circle around it.
At her small feet, one of her companions, Orielle, is curled up, sleeping peacefully. She is a red wolf and fox mix, barely a foot and a half in height, with lean legs and a lean body. Her paws looked as if they had been submerged in a foot of black dye. Her fur was a rusty orange-ish color, save for the black tip of her tail and the black, mask-like markings on her face.
She has a twin brother, Ryker. His appearance was almost identical to hers, save for he was a tad larger and more muscular. Instead of the black paws and markings, he had white fur.
Helga, Mary's black and white badger, is resting peacefully on top of Orielle, who is too busy sleeping to notice her. Mary glances at her facial features one last time. Her high cheekbones accent her strong jawline, as does her full lips and flawless ivory skin. Being a half-Vampire and part Veela enhanced the natural beauty she had inherited from her parents.
Smiling to show off her perfect, white teeth, she strode from her large room and into the hallway. Orielle and Helga immediately awaken and follow their master.
Mary walked down the long hallway till she reached a glass door that led to the balcony. She opened the door and stepped out into the fresh, Scottish air. Stretching her wings, she took a running start and leapt off the balcony and flew a few feet, before she gracefully descended to the grass below. She smiled beautifully as she spotted her other animal companions. She took a deep breathe of Irish countryside air, and strode over to where her companions were spread about the yard.
Four of her pets were named after the four founders of Hogwarts. She had been waiting to attend Hogwarts since she was a young child, but due to her uniqueness, she had been homeschooled till she was 16.
Godric was her griffin, standing proud at roughly 6 feet tall. His strong, muscular lion's body was the color of warm crimson blood, a healthy shine reflecting the sun's rays. His magnificent and enormous wings are feathery, and look as if they were gilded with melted gold, gleaming in the sun and shining bright. His large talons are pitch black, strong and sharp, his lion's tail and legs a soft caramel golden color.
Salazar the snake is curled up in a coil, basking in the warmth of the sun. Every single one of his green scales look like a smooth emerald set in place. His eyes were a brilliant yellow color, piercing and watchful. Splashes of black meld into the green scales and blur, creating a distinct and unusual pattern. His sharp fangs can inject a deadly poison that can be cured only by Phoenix tears and a select few potions.
Helga, the precious badger, was a curious little thing who enjoyed her sleep. Her body's fur was mainly a delicate, greyish white bu the markings on her tail, face, and head were black, with areas of dark grey amidst the rest of the white. Her eyes were like pools of amber honey, sweet and shimmering.
Rowena was the stunning falcon, with shining feathers black as night, looking almost blue in many lights. Her talons and beak looked as if they were made of solid gold, with brilliant blue sapphire eyes. She stood at roughly 2 ½ feet tall, porud and watchful as the skilled, intelligent huntress.
Mary delicately stepped over to Godric, who was eagerly awaiting her attentions. She petted his furry head with soft hands, and he licked the side of her face, which made her giggle. Astral, not to be outdone, soared over to the unusual girl and landed perched upon her shoulder.
"Hello there, Astral, how are you today?" Mary asked in a gentle voice.
Astral was a phoenix, and not an average phoenix. His feathers were a beautiful array of reds, oranges, yellows, greens, blues, violets, pinks, and all colors and shades in between. His rainbow coloring caused the flames he burst into every so often to match this rainbow coloring.
Mary smiled at the phoenix, and turned her attention to Ryker, the twin fox-wolf hybrid to Orielle. His muscular body was in running form, chasing after another beautiful companion to Mary. Guinevere, a strong and beautiful pearly white unicorn with a horn and hooves that looked to made of pearls and pure white opals. Her tail, perfectly straight, was shock white and silky.
Faithful, a unique ocelot, cheetah, and leopard hybrid pounced on top of Ryker, which made the canine yelp and stop. Mary laughed, her beautiful voice like the tolling of bells as she spotted her pets' antics. Faithful was around 2 feet tall, with butterscotch colored fur and a soft white belly. Black splotches and spots were all across her back, and her ears and face had odd black markings. The tip of her flexible tail and her paws were also black.
"Noire!" Mary called out to her final and most unusual companion. The creature answered back with a meowing roar, and sped off to greet the girl.
Noire was a young and very small Hungarian Horntail and house cat hybrid. She was currently the size of a small dog, but Mary knew her pet was going to get much, much larger. Most of her body was covered in black scales, with black fur poking out between the scales, making her soft to the touch but hard to hurt. She had purple colored spikes along her back, head, and tail, but she had no club-like tail. Her fire breathing range was still very long, despite being so young. Her facial features were distinctively cat-like, with vivid purple eyes that were cat-like in appearance. Her fangs were longer than normal, and her ears resembled a cat's and not a dragon's. Her claws were a mix of a dragon and a cat's, for they were retractable but appeared to be more like talons. She was an adorable and seemingly-innocent creature.
Mary spent her day relaxing with her companions, occasionally taking to the skies or turning into a brown ferret Animagi.
Finally, Mary decided it was time to practice her archery. She flew back inside and snatched up her bow and arrow, and returned to the beautiful outdoors.
Her bow was made of dark ebony, with large silver Elvish markings carved into it the beautiful, sturdy wood. She had a black leather quiver slung over her slender shoulder. The quiver was bewitched to be able to hold any amount of arrows. In the quiver right now were 50 hand-made magical ebony arrows that could never be broken. They would always hit their target, and Mary would always be able to find them. Their fletchings were from Astral's feathers, but for some reason, all the feathers had turned to a vivid, neon blue when put into the arrows.
They were a present from her elvish mentor and best friend, who had died during a war against the Demons that Mary had fought in when she was 14. She also lost other best friend in the war, a fairy who had taught Mary how to use magic. Mary had ended the war when she killed the demon general, and she was hailed as 'Empress Allegience' by many magic-folk because she had been the person to unite the kingdoms of fairies, elves, demons, vampires, and so on, all under one peaceful reign.
Mary strung an arrow and released it, burying it into the dead center of the target that had been on a tree since her childhood years. Over and over, again and again, Mary hit the target dead center every time. When she could no longer fit any arrows in the center of the target, she walked over to retrieve her arrows and put them back in the quiver.
Mary put her bow and arrows away, and returned to the outside to bask in the sun and think about the coming days.
"I can't believe I had to quit my job..." she said sadly. Mary was a skilled Astrologist and Seer, and when she had been living as a nomad in the United States, she had been renowned all over the magic world. People from all over went to see her when she was nearby, and she had made a decent amount of money on it as well. Being kind-hearted, if a person couldn't afford it, she would do the readings for free.
Her father arrived, and they had dinner with her uncle and aunt, Neros and Relaine. Her father gave her a brand new Firebolt, encouraging her to try out for Quidditch because she was so skilled at it. She could play all positions, but she was best at Seeker and Chaser.
"I know you're going to get on the Quidditch team." he smiled at her, and she hugged her father.
"Thanks dad! This is amazing!" she squealed, and he laughed in delight.
At King's Cross the next day, Mary was waiting to board the Hogwarts Express with her aunt, uncle, and father. Mary was wearing, for the first day, a pair of light blue skinny jeans, a plain white tank top, a pair of earth green Converse All-Star that went up to just below her knees and over the jeans, a tight fitting grey hoodie, and a silver-studded black belt. Her hair was pit straight and platinum blonde on top, dark brown as the under-layer, with black and green coon-tails. The green was the same shade as her Converse and her eyeshadow. Her eyes were currently a brilliant sapphire and were thickly outlined in black eyeliner and mascara. She wore a pair of green plastic-pearl earrings that matched her Converse, and a black plastic-pearl necklace.
Ralaine gave Mary a special quill. It was bright emerald green with black stripes, and when Mary wrote on her hand to see the ink, and it magically changed from black and green, even after it had dried.
"I'll tell you a secret," Relaine whispered, "If you tap it whatever you wrote with your wand and say 'Invisible' the ink will disappear, and when you tap it again and say 'Visible' the ink will reappear."
Mary hugged her aunt, who laughed, "Thank you thank you thank you!" the teenager squealed.
"I have something for you also," Neros smiled, and handed her a cloak, "It's an Invisibility Cloak. I think you'll find it useful."
Edward stepped forward, a dazzling smile on his handsome features. He handed Mary a bit of folded parchment.
"This is what's called a Marauder's Map. It's a map of Hogwarts that shows you everything and everyone on the grounds in real time. Normally, it looks like a scrap of paper. But if you say 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.' then the map will appear. But you have to say 'Mischief managed' when you're done, otherwise, anyone can read it." Edward warned as Mary slid the parchment into her backpack.
"Thank you, dad!" she smiled, and gave him a huge hug.
"You're welcome sweetheart." he whispered softly, returning the hug.
Mary, waving her final good-byes, boarded the Hogwarts Express. Sadly, most of her pets had to travel on their own to Hogwarts, and would meet her in her room after the feast and Sorting. Faithful accompanied her on the train ride, perched on her shoulder as they searched for an empty compartment.
"Oh! I'm sorry!" Mary apologized to a pair of boys whom she had crashed into.
One of the attractive young men smiled, "It's alright," he said, "I'm Blaise Zabini."
A platinum blond-haired boy with a gorgeous smirk also introduced himself, "Draco Malfoy." Mary felt her heart melt like butter at his gorgeous and slightly devilish looks. His grey eyes were like chips of the moon and his stunning smile made her heart flutter.
"I'm Mary Cullen." the beautiful young girl smiled back. 'Best not to intimidate people with my name.' she thought.
"Beautiful name for a beautiful girl." Draco commented, giving her a dazzling smile.
Mary blushed attractively at the compliment, and Draco smirked again.
"Um, well, thank you." she said, still a bit embarrassed.
"We'll see you around." Blaise told her with a wink, and the two walked off down the corridor. Mary, smiling dreamily at what had happened, continued her search for a compartment. She spotted one compartment that wasn't entirely full, and summoning up her infinite courage, slid open the door.
"Do you mind if I sit her? All the other compartments are full." she said to inhabitants of the compartment.
They nodded, and one of the girls said, "Sure."
So, Mary sat down in the available space, putting her trunk in the free space above. Faithful, purring slightly, settled into Mary's lap, who smiled.
"I'm Hermione Granger." this girl was sort of mundane in looks, but if she worked for it, she could be pretty. Her brunette curls cascaded past her shoulders from a ponytail. Her eyes were a chocolate brown and radiated intelligence and warmth. She seemed friendly enough, and a large fluffy orange cat-Kneazle mix on her lap.
"I'm Luna Lovegood." said the second girl. She was alright looking, with platinum blonde hair held back by two silver hair clips. She had a pair of radish-earrings dangling from her ears, and a necklace of Butterbeer corks. Her eyes were an icy blue, but they twinkled brightly.
"I'm Ron Weasley." the redheaded boy said with a friendly smile. He was cute, Mary decided, with his freckles and beautiful sapphire blue eyes.
"I'm Neville Longbottom." the second boy said. He looked a bit like a dork, she noted, and he had dark colored hair and muddy brown eyes. He was a little on the plump side, but he had an air of sweetness about him. In his hands was a toad, and she smiled. Mary loved animals, no matter what species they were (except some insects, of course).
"I'm Harry Potter." the final boy said, giving Mary a lustrous smile that made her heart beat faster. He was beyond handsome, he was so attractive he may as well have had Veela ancestry, like herself. His locks of raven hair were tousled and shaggy, and his gorgeous orbs of liquid emerald held depths that Mary couldn't help but wish to swim into them.
"I'm Mary Cullen." the alluring girl said softly, giving them all a smile, "And this is my pet." she gestured to the feline sitting in her lap.
"What's his name?" Luna asked curiously, peering at the creature.
"Her name is Faithful." Mary replied, scratching behind Faithful's ears.
"She's gorgeous." commented Hermione, and Crookshanks gained a dark look.
"What house are you in? I've never seen you around before." Luna said to Mary.
"I just transferred here. I was homeschooled in the United States, but we moved to Scotland over the summer and Relaine and Neros decided I should go to Hogwarts." Mary explained.
"Relaine and Neros?" Ron gave her a confused look.
"My aunt and uncle. My mother died when I was little, and my father couldn't take care of me. He still visits sometimes, though, and I know he loves me a lot."
Harry nodded in sympathy and tried to change the subject, as it was clearly unsettling for her to talk about her mother's death, "So, do you have any idea what house you'll be in?"
Mary bit her lower lip in though, "I'm not quite sure." She personally wouldn't mind being placed in any of the houses, for they all had their good attributes.
"I hope you're in Gryffindor." Harry said, giving her a grin.
And Mary couldn't help but grin back.
To Be Continued...
THIS IS A PARODY. Don't take it seriously, please. It annoys me when people are like "this sucks", "You totally FAIL" or "Your character is a SUE." Duh, you idiot, of course it's a Sue. It can't be a SueParody without a Sue!
Well, what do you think? Any suggestions or ideas? (thanks MarySueLover to your ideas, they're perfect!) I'd love some reviews! Okay, below is a pronunciation key for some of the names (like you give a shit):
Vardainiel vahr-dye-nee-ell
Relaine Ree-layn
Neros Near-oh-ss
Ryker Rye-ker
Orielle Ore-ee-elle
So, credits go to "Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts" for the idea for Noire. "It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be." I remembered that and was like 'I must use this!'
I promise to have more dialogue/action/mocking/interaction/whatever in the next chapter. This story won't be too long because parodies can loose their fun if they get too long and when the Sues earn abysmal ratings. Flames will be thrown at the Sues and her pets!
-IF