A SenRu FanFiction dedicated to the man who first made my heart beat
by aki midori
WARNINGS: Don't read if you don't want your Valentine to be spoiled.
Author's Blah:
I wanted to give you guys something light-hearted and funny, but this came out instead. So... yeah...
Nothing better than basking in the pain of unrequited love...
Happy Birthday, Akira! Happy Valentine's Day to everybody. :P
diSClaIMerS: Said characters are property of Inoue Takehiko-sama.
x + x + o + x + x -Break, Break, Break
Break, break, break
On thy cold grey stones, O Sea!
And I would that my tongue could utter
The thoughts that arise in me.
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
x + x + o + x + x Part One: Crash
Breakwaters
/Break, break, break on the cold grey stones, o Sea/
How is it ever possible to feel immense pain in a place as blessedly beautiful as this?
/And I would that my tongue could utter/
How is it ever possible to feel intense sorrow whilst the sea sings its soulful song, seemingly trying to comfort a weary soul?
/The thoughts that arise in me./
How is it ever possible to feel so alone, while sitting beside the person who once, so long ago, stole your heart?
What pain.
What sorrow.
"It's been a long time."
Damn too long. "Yeah."
"So, how have you been?"
Don't you know? "Things are doing great." I want them to be, but apparently, they're not.
"I'm glad."
Are you, really? "Yeah." Do you really care? Could I possibly hope for that, at the very least?
What pain.
What sorrow.
x + x + o + x + x
Part Two: Break
"Fireball."
Oh. So you're awake, after all. I smiled and snuck a look at the man more popularly known as Rukawa Kaede. "Fireball, Rukawa-kun?"
"Over there," you said, pointing towards the great orange ball of glory inching towards the vastness of the waters. "It's beautiful."
"It is, isn't it, Rukawa-kun?" But then again, the sun and this place aren't the only beautiful things that I could see.
I see, right beside me, the best thing that ever happened in my life.
I see the most beautiful person that walked the earth.
"How's practice?" you asked, your voice soft; a caress in contrast to the biting cold of the post winter sea breeze, seemingly thawing the winter of my heart and soul.
"Hell, as usual," I easily reply. "But it's alright. Not like I'm not used to it, already."
"Hn."
And then, there was silence once again.
No words were spoken, no movements done. It's just you, me, the post winter chill, and the setting sun. It may seem odd, that simple, mundane moments like these are the best ones in my life...
Not to mention, the most painful.
It's been three years, Rukawa. Three years since we last saw each other. One would have thought that the wound would have healed by now, but I guess three years aren't enough to mend it. I still feel the pain, after all. I feel it throb each time I look at you, each time our hands would brush in the slightest of touches, each time I see a glimpse of your beautiful soul through your eyes.
It's been three years, Rukawa. Three years since we last spent time together. One would have thought that I'd have gotten over you by now.
The wind picked up, wrapping us in its cold embrace.
You scooted a little closer to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, sharing what little warmth you have, all the while never taking your eyes off the sea.
It was a simple gesture of friendship. A simple gesture showing that you still care.
It's been three years, Rukawa. Three years since we said our good-byes. One would have thought I'd have moved on by now.
But my heart is still beating wildly. The wound is still throbbing painfully. Your touch felt so good, yet, it wasn't enough. My heart wanted more.
It's been three years, Rukawa. But I guess I still love you, after all.
I keep on falling in love with you, each time when I thought I couldn't love you more.
"I love you," I can't help but whisper.
The silence that followed was nothing short of a stab in my wound, piercing straight to my soul.
It's been three years, Rukawa. Three years since we parted. One would have thought that you'd miss me and realize that you felt something for me, if only a little.
It's been three years.
But the years, unfortunately, changed very little, if not nothing at all.
It's been three years, but the wound is still bleeding. I haven't gotten over you. I wasn't able to move on. I still love you, with all my heart and all my soul.
It's been three years, but the silence that followed my confession was still as cold and cruel as ever.
The waves crashed against the rocks, breaking into splinters of crystal water.
Funny, how the sound of the waves breaking against the rocks match the sound of my own heart shattering.
"It's been three years, Sendoh."
"Nothing's changed, Rukawa. Nothing would."
If I thought that your silence was the most painful thing I could ever deal with, I was wrong. Nothing hurt more than the cold air that replaced the warmth of your touch.
"I don't love you, Sendoh."
"I know."
"Yet-"
"Rukawa," I interrupted, before you shatter my heart even more with the words you're going to say, "Please." You've broken me enough, already. "Please."
"I can't love you."
"I'm not asking you to," I whispered.
"Then wha-"
"I'm not asking you to," I repeated firmly, closing my eyes to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. It's enough that I bear with the pain of your rejection. I would not cry in front of you.
"Sendoh."
Please, Rukawa. Please don't break my heart any more than you have. Please don't make me cry in front of you.
Please, Rukawa. Take your hand off my face if you're not going to hold me with it. Please don't hurt me any more than you have.
Take your hand off, Rukawa, before my tears start to fall.
"Sendoh, don't-"
"Please, Rukawa-kun," I whispered, not minding anymore even if I choked on my sob. "Please don't ask me to stop loving you. I wouldn't be able to, even if you leave again."
"I won't leave," you whispered.
The waves crashed again.
A tear fell, behind closed lids.
A finger wiped it away.
"It'll be alright," I said, desperately holding onto what little control I have. "It'll be alright. We can still be friends, ne? We can play in the same team. We'll bring Japan to the top. We'll be the best friends that we were back then. Nothing would change, I promise. We'd still hang out, or play, or watch T.V.! I could even teach you how to make lemon bars, just like I promised you a long time ago! We'd have fun, like we used to, Rukawa. Nothing would change. I wouldn't bother you with what I feel, Rukawa, just don't..." I can't help but lean towards the hand that was caressing my face, trying to get more of its warmth, more of what little care it has for me.
"Don't stop me from loving you." I choked again, but I don't care anymore. "Please let me love you. Let me love you, 'till I heal. Please, Rukawa, that'll be the only thing I'll ever ask of you."
I suppose I should be used to it by now. The silence has always been there, always after I poured my heart out. I suppose I shouldn't mind it anymore. It's been three years after all. A grown man should be strong enough to deal with this kind of pain.
I'm a grown man.
But I can't help but wonder why the tears fell anyway, no matter how hard I try to stop it.
I suppose it shouldn't hurt as much anymore, given the fact that it's been three years.
But it does.
It does.
"You always make things difficult for me," you snapped.
My eyes snapped open. "Wha-"
"I tried to save you from the heartache, I really did."
"Yeah, right."
"You've no right to be sarcastic, Sendoh," you snapped again. "It doesn't suit you. Your face is streaked with tears, and you look damn pathetic. That doesn't suit you more. Besides, sarcasm's my turf, so shut it. You always make things difficult for me. I tried to save you, gave you enough time to get over your stupid crush, but did you make use of it? No, you didn't. You even wallowed and basked in the sweet angst of your unrequited love."
"Ru-"
"You're being unfair, Sendoh," you said, eyes shining with something akin to tears.
Then I felt lips descend on mine.
It was the sweetest, most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. This kiss was so much more beautiful than what I had imagined in my wildest, boldest fantasies. It was awkward, inexperienced, but it was the most innocent, purest kiss I've ever shared with anyone.
It was the most beautiful, the most perfect thing I have shared with anybody.
And I found myself falling for you again.
Time seemed to pause.
The world stopped turning.
The waves stopped crashing.
In this brief fragment of history, as my lips touched yours in endless moments, I felt your heartbeat.
It was beating in tandem with mine.
But the world isn't always fair, is it, Rukawa-kun? It stole my happiness before I could even grasp it. It was funny, how moments of pure happiness could last only for a few seconds.
Your eyes were brimming with the tears that you refuse to shed when you pulled away.
"I can't love you, Sendoh. I'm dying."
And then you walked away.
Splinters of crystal waters pierced my skin.
The waves continued to crash.
x + x + o + x + x
Part Three: Splinter
/Break, break, break on the cold grey stones, o Sea/
How is it ever possible to feel immense pain in a place as blessedly beautiful as this?
/And I would that my tongue could utter/
How is it ever possible to feel intense sorrow whilst the sea sings its soulful song, seemingly trying to comfort a weary soul?
/The thoughts that arise in me./
How is it ever possible to feel so alone, while sitting beside the person who once, so long ago, stole your heart?
What pain.
What sorrow.
"Fireball."
Oh. So you're awake, after all. I smiled and snuck a look at the man more popularly known as Rukawa Kaede. "Fireball, Kaede?"
"Over there," you said, pointing towards the great orange ball of glory inching towards the vastness of the waters. "It's beautiful."
"It is, isn't it, Kaede?" But then again, the sun and this place aren't the only beautiful things that I could see.
I see, right beside me, the best thing that ever happened in my life.
I see the most beautiful person that walked the earth.
I vaguely remember having this conversation, almost a year ago. Same place, same time, same date. The fourteenth of February.
It's been a year.
The wound's still there. Ever present, but healing. I haven't gotten over you yet. I probably never would. I wasn't able to move on. I figured I don't need to. I still love you, with all my heart and all my soul.
I probably will, for the rest of my days.
Very few has changed.
Like the fact that each of my emotional outpour would be followed by a 'harrumph', instead of the painful silence.
You didn't try out for my team, but you did watch all of my games.
You did spend more time with me; more than that of what you spent with me, way before you left.
We hang out a lot. Watched T.V., fished a lot, talked a lot.
I've become 'Akira' to you, and you've become 'Kaede' to me.
And you did learn how to make lemon bars, didn't you? I get to eat those yummy treats after every game, wowowee!
I suppose a lot has changed... for the better.
I suppose this should be enough.
I suppose I don't have the right to ask for more. Not when you've decided to spend your last days with me, even if only 'as friends'. I suppose it's alright, especially now that we're hanging out in our favorite place, with you leaning so close to me. I suppose everything's alright, if not for the occasional winces and frowns that mar your face each time your tumor throbs.
Like now.
"Does it hurt?"
"Of course it does, stupid."
"Then let me hold you."
"Don't be an idiot. I'm not a kid."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."
I suppose I should be glad that you didn't pull away. After all, you had your pride. You wouldn't have wanted to 'bother' me with your - I quote you- 'pathetic cerebral attacks that does nothing but to make you want to pound your head into the pavement 'till you drop dead'. I suppose I should be glad that you trust me enough, that you would lay your head on my shoulder as we watch the sun set.
I suppose I should be glad... and contented.
I am.
But it doesn't lessen the pain I'm feeling.
The pain I feel now has nothing to do with my unrequited love, and everything to do with the pain you're going through. It is, after all, your last day. I suppose a man will know when his time would be. I suppose I shouldn't curse the gods and the high heavens for doing this to you, or for cutting short what little time we were enjoying with each other. I suppose I shouldn't, not when they've given me the chance to show you how much I love you.
I suppose I don't have the right to curse and yell at the Powers-That-Be, not when they've given you back to me, even if only 'as a friend'. At least I was able to love you in peace, even if in pain.
I suppose-
"Are you 'supposing' again, Akira?"
I laughed, lightly hitting your shoulder. It's amazing how well you know what goes on in my mind. "Yes, I suppose I am."
"What are you supposing about, now?"
"Things."
"Like what?"
"You'd puke if you find out," I joked.
The wind picked up. Without thinking, you snuggled closer into my embrace. It's getting harder for you to breathe, I can tell. It's getting harder for you to keep your eyes open, yet you still managed to give me a small smile.
"Yeah, I think I would."
The waves continued to crash against the rocks; splinters of crystal water would occasionally hit us from where we were sitting, on the brick pavement. I vaguely remember my heart breaking in time with the waves then, and I suppose if I were to be honest with myself, I could hearing it breaking again, now.
It's just not fair.
How am I supposed to let you go, Rukawa Kaede?
"Oi, Akira."
"Yes, Kaede?"
"I think I need to go."
Well, shit.
I tightened my arms around you, not wanting to let you go.
"I told you, you can't fall in love with me."
I rubbed your arms. It's getting cold. "No, you told me you can't love me."
"Don't argue with me, idiot. It means the same thing."
"Whatever you say," I whispered, kissing the top of your head. You winced again. Ah. There it is. The 'pathetic cerebral attacks that does nothing but to make you want to pound your head into the pavement 'till you drop dead'.
I suppose it wouldn't hurt us, if I told you one last time... "I love you."
"Hn."
I suppose I should be glad, that the 'harrumph' came with a smile now.
I suppose I should be happy, when, even in all your pain and weakness, you still managed to take hold of my hand and place it over your heart.
I suppose I should be delirious, when I felt your heart beat in tandem with mine.
I suppose I should be fucking deliriously happy, when you slightly turned towards me and kissed me softly.
But the world isn't always fair, is it, Rukawa-kun? It stole my happiness-slash-delirium before I could even grasp it. It was funny, how moments of pure happiness could last only for a few seconds.
I suppose I should be glad, happy, delirious, or fucking deliriously happy...
but I can't be.
Not when your beautiful heart stopped beating.
/Break, break, break on thy cold grey stones, o Sea/
The waves crashed against the rocks, sending splinters of crystal waters into the air.
I wonder now...
Does it hurt, whenever the Sea crashed against the rocks? Does it ever hurt, when It breaks into tiny splinters of crystal waters?
My heart certainly does.
It hurts so bad, the splinters turn into tears.
-
o.wa.ri
-
14 February 2005
Postnotes:
Told you, you shouldn't have read this. Don't go balooing that I ruined your Valentine's Day. S'been a long time since I last wrote an angst. And yeah. One last thing? I dunno if there's such a place in Kanagawa, but I do know there's a sea, and where there's a sea, there would either be a wall or even rocks where it could crash against. So yeah.
Edited and reposted: 17 February 2005 - No grave changes. Just took care of idiotic typo errors.