My mind is racing and I can't sleep. I know that change is inevitable, but right now I can't help but think about how I ended up on my Dad's lumpy sofa with my girls peacefully sleeping in my old bedroom. I don't know how to explain to them that I'm not sure when their Daddy will be coming around again or why he left. I don't know how to get through a day without crying while staying in my pajamas. Looking back I can see how I got here, and I am ready for change. I'm miserable, fat, depressed and about to go through the biggest change of my life so far. I will become independent of men and focus on reclaiming myself. I will do my best and make it work not just for myself, but for my girls.
My soon to be ex-husband, James Hunter, was my college sweetheart. We met the first day of my very first college class. He walked up to me as soon as class was over and told me he was taking me out for coffee. I was a fish out of water living in a big city all by myself, and I as easily impressed by his confidence. Needless to say I was easy prey. All too soon James was my whole world. Every evening, holiday and spare moment was spent with him. I didn't make many friends outside of the occasional study group, and I didn't really care. I was in love and I was happy.
Amazingly enough James and I both graduated from the University of Washington. I got my degree in English and passed my teacher's certification, and James received a pre-law degree and was continuing on to law school. We decided to move in together so I could work as a high school English teacher while he finished school. We had a plan and I was determined to see it through. Now I can see that my determination blinded me to reality. I was going to make our relationship work despite his long study hours and my stress. It was all only temporary after all. Soon enough we would get married and maybe start a family. This was simply a small stepping stone, not a stumbling block.
Somehow we managed our way through James' law school. We ran off to Vegas a week after he graduated and got married. His family was disappointed that we didn't include them, and my Dad was borderline hostile. Charlie had never warmed up to James, so when he wasn't included in his only child's wedding, well let's just say that recovery was not an option. Unfortunately, I was too blind to see that this was a very clear indication of our future together. There were always struggles, hurt feelings and misunderstandings, but we muddled our way through it. It was a vicious cycle of fighting and making up, but I wanted to make our marriage work.
James became an Associate at a law firm in Seattle. It was then that he stopped fighting with me and began to pull away from me. I chalked it up to the stress of a new job, but in hindsight I think our marriage was already at a point that he was itching to get out of it. During this time I became pregnant with our first daughter, Samantha Jane, and things were better for a while, but soon the stress of a new baby caused an even greater gap between us. I quit my job to stay at home with Sam. I was determined to try to make our life a happy one and soon Sam became my whole world.
Somehow between all the fighting and making up I got pregnant again with daughter number two, Georgia Mae, when Sam was only six months old. As happy as I was with my babies the stress became over whelming. I was extremely isolated with two babies and no free time. I put all of my effort into being the best mom I could be. It didn't bother me that James was working longer hours than normal, I had my girls and that was all that mattered. I quit trying to be a wife. My husband barely looked at me anymore, so why should I? When I look back at the demise of our marriage I see the damage that I caused. I simply didn't care about a husband that didn't have time for me. We both fell out of love with each other, but the final nail in the coffin came in the form of a legal assistant named Victoria.
Victoria was young, beautiful and exciting. I was a stay at home mom whose sole focus was my daughters. After back to back pregnancies I was over-weight and unhappy. My only joy in life was being a mother. I almost can't blame James for cheating on me. I just wished that he would have been man enough to tell the girls himself. It's one thing for him to leave me, but another thing for him to ditch his daughters. James was willing to follow Victoria anywhere, and that led him across the country to New York. I guess Victoria always believed she was destined for bigger and better things than what Washington could give her, and James being the loving and giving man he could be was willing to drop everything and take her to where her dreams could come to fruition. Victoria had no interest in being around children, so neither did James. Let's just forget the fact that the children where his.
Divorce papers were filed before our bed was cold. Our home on Bainbridge Island was put on the market. I gave James everything. I didn't want any reminders of a man that didn't want me or my girls. I packed our clothes and personal effects in my Volvo, and a trailer, and headed back to Forks to stay with my Dad.
So, here I am at 29 years old with two kids, and I am ready for my fresh start. I am ready to find myself again. This is my new beginning. I will make the best life for myself and my girls that I can. It was time to discover what Bella Swan is made of.