I couldnt believe it.
it cant be true.
even though i was there,and saw everything, i didnt want to believ that it was true.
it wasnt fair!
why, why! did he have to go? why couldnt you let him stay with me, for just a little while longer.
i wasnt ready for him to leave me, to be taken away from me like that.
why couldnt you take the other driver, the one who hit us? the one who took my best friend! the one who was drunk at 9 in the morning! the one who ran the stop sign! we had the right of way, the light was green!
he tried to stop the truck from hitting us.. i remember it all...even though i wish i hadnt.
we drove through the street light, not knowing our fate that which would happen.
I felt him accelerate the engine,pushing it to go faster and not hit us. I wish it had worked.
The truck hit our drivers door, my dear sweet daddy. The force of the impact caused us to flip exactly 9 times..i wish thats all itd done. Throughout our flipping i kept thinking why us? why me? I was sitting directly behind the driver, i shouldva gotten worse.. i wish i would have. id gladly take my fathers place. When we were flipping i remember putting my hands over my face, and thinking to myself "just stop, please! it hurts i just want it to stop!" the rolling and flipping went on for what seemed like forever,and as it turns out, it will continue to be like that. everyday of my life will be some mass course of rolling and flipping,never ending, nerver ceasing to become less painful.
Eventually it did stop, and the damage was done.
Our truck was totaled,no chance of saving it.
The drivers side was encaved in on itself, the steering wheel twisted and wrapped at odd angles. the glass was gone from all the windows,shattered along the stretch of the highway. They say the driver had passed on impact,but i dont believe so. I remember it all,with my photographic memory. And i remember the way he lay,facing opposite from me. I remember screaming for my daddy, begging for him to get up and be ok, i remember thinking that it couldnt be true. I saw my little sister, her face covered in scars..she was in pain, but she was breathing...itd be ok. I yanked off my seatbelt with my unsteady,shaking hands twisting around to the back seat in search of my little brother. He wasnt there...
His best friend was there,crying telling me itd be ok, that his dad was a fireman and himself in training to be one, he told me to stay calm.
But I couldnt. Wouldnt.
My eyes searched the wreckege of the scene for my little brother.
Finally.
I found him, just off to the side of what was left of our car. He'd gone out the back window,with the secound to last roll. He was covered in blood and screaming. But he was breathing. It'd be ok.
My mom was in the passenger seat. Her leg hanging out the window, all cut up and she was ok.. She was talking to me in a shaky voice, telling me that my daddy wasnt ok. I didnt want to believe it, it couldnt be true. It was dad, he was indestructible! nothing could hurt him. he's dad. I wish it were true. I zoned out what she was saying, and id told her to shut up. I looked at my daddy, calling for him, begging and pleading for him to respond to me.
I wish it had worked. I swear that i saw him twitch his hand in response to one of my calls, almost as if he was waving goodbye to me...
I wasnt ready. and i never will be.
I keep thinking back to right before the accident, when we were driving down the road as a happy family, singing along to the christmas song, feliz navadad, it was mine and his favorite part of the song to. Me and him were singing very loudly to the part " i wanna wish you a merry christmas from the bottom of my heearrrtttt!" when the driver of the truck hit. To this day, two weeks and six days ago, i cant listen to that song. its physically impossible for me to do so and i think it will always be. The accident keeps running through my mind,every secound of every day. Every time i close my eyes, it flashes back to the accident. I hyperventailate EVERY single time im in a car,moving or not. I can barely stand to be beside a car on the road, the little hairs on my arms tense up and tingle,making me shiver every time someone honks a horn or cuts us off, making us lurch this way and that. I keep thinking that, maybe if i hadnt taken so long to get dressed that morning then maybe that truck wouldnt have hit us. maybe we couldva made it through. My daddy was stolen from me December 3,2011 at 9:42am, the exact time when the truck smashed into us. Its not fair. He had just turned 40. He had only just gotten to know my niece, his grand daughter, lakelyn. She loves him sooo much, and shes only just two.
Why couldnt i go instead? The truck had barely missed me from where i sat behind my daddy. I would gladly go for him instead. I miss him. I want him here. I want my best friend back. I want my twinkie back. I want him back. I want my daddy back..