A Single Pain

They were gone. It was kind of strange really. Most people would be sad, crying, and spewing out crap about how it was 'all their fault'. But... I don't feel anything. It's like a void, empty of space, time, and emotion. Something pounds at my head, and I shake it slightly, trying to clear the feeling.
But it stays... I don't understand. I struggle to remember, to think but it's to hard. I look blankly at my hands and am slightly surprised to see blood. They are stained and I'm not sure why... my memory is blank. What happened? Why can't I remember... Do I want to remember...
I look toward the building. It's burning, but... I have no burns. This blood isn't mine. Whose is it... I'm so confused... What happened... Where are they? I look around... they always survive... always. We always come out together... So why are they not here? Why am I alone?
I don't want to know... I don't... If they're not here... why am I? Don't... want... where'd they go? The pain in my head grows as the memories form... I shake my head sharply, forcing them back... pain... shrieks... fill my head. My fault? No... please... I didn't mean....
Tears brush my eyes, and I blink harshly, forcing them back. No. They're fine. They'll survive, they always do. We always do... WE always do... I didn't abandon them... I had to go... we finished the mission... they're own fault. Not my... responsibility...
'But they were your friends... they were your enemies...' a bitter voice sounds in my head, 'and you did nothing... NOTHING!!!' I flinch visibly as the shriek echoes through my head. I did nothing... nothing to help... nothing to hinder... I could have saved them... but I didn't. Compared their lives to mine in a crucial moment and turned to a coward.
My friends... and rivals... neither deserved this fate. All were ready for death. But they didn't have to face it. One moment made the difference. One crucial mistake... one moment of fear... cowardice. And in the end... I could have saved them all. But I didn't. I left them... left them to be nameless souls... without graves... without funerals... without existence.
I looked back at the empty lot and thought of that day. Hadn't spoken... hadn't smiled... hadn't cried. It's been two years... but still freshly placed in my mind as if yesterday. I glance at the grave for 7 once more and look at the small plant planted in the ground before me...
I almost smile as I picture Omi giving me an annoyed look and telling me off about not trimming the dead rose of the side...Almost. But to me the dead rose symbolizes my failure to them... because along with the seven other living ones on the small bush, that one deserves me.
They may have died that day... but I've faced the punishment of living... without friends... without partners... nothing. Exactly what I deserved. Dead on the inside. On the day they died, in a strange way I died with them. But now... I punish my self by living... never loving... never allowing it... didn't deserve it. I turned away from the sight, numbing feeling still there... I expected that anyway...
I walk away smoothly... not tripping... even stumbling... Surprising huh? Guess my clumsiness left with my soul...
My name might still be Ken... but never again would he live... the night I betrayed them... Ken died. And all he left behind was an empty shell. A copy... forced to remember... and live while in death.