Standard Fanfic Disclaimer that wouldn't last ten seconds in a court of law: these aren't my characters. Based on characters from the Magnificent Seven TV show, reset in the ATF AU (thank you, Mog, for letting the rest of us play in your sandbox!) Originally published in the fanzine Let's Ride #15, from Neon RainBow Press.
Ghosts of Christmases Past
Magnificent Seven (ATF AU)
by Susan M. M.
'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Denver
Not a crook was stirring that cold December:
Not an arms dealer, not a cigarette smuggler,
Not even a moonshiner or an illegal firecracker seller.
The stockings were hung by the file cabinets with care
In hopes some crook would creep out of his lair.
The agents were sitting all bored in the bullpen
Talking of TV specials they'd seen as children.
No arms dealers, no cigarette smugglers, no moonshiners. No crazy militia units. No straw purchases of illegal guns at shady pawn shops. Not even an illegal box of firecrackers. The criminals in Denver seemed to have started their Christmas vacations early. Team 7, the ATF's crack troubleshooters, were bored out of their skulls.
The bullpen was gaily decorated for Christmas. Seven red stockings hung over the file cabinets, along with a pair of pantyhose. A Post-It note was attached to the nylons; written in Buck's handwriting was 'Santa, please fill these.' A somewhat lopsided ceramic tree sat on the coffee table. JD had put up red and green crepe paper streamers. Chris had muttered something about not letting the fire marshal see them, but hadn't ordered JD to take them down. A giant cardboard poinsettia hung on the door.
"I always liked Little Drummer Boy best," Josiah Sanchez announced. Like his colleagues, the team profiler was supposed to be working on getting his paperwork all caught up. Like his colleagues, he was too bored to concentrate on paperwork, so they were discussing old Christmas specials they'd watched on TV as children. "Hannah always cried when the lamb died."
"I must confess a fondness for Charlie Brown." Ezra Standish had seldom spent two Christmases in a row in the same town, but no matter what hotel they were in, or what boarding school he'd been abandoned at, he'd always been able to find A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV.
"Rudolph was my favorite," Buck Wilmington said after a minute's thought. "That and Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
"Yeah, because one had girl elves under the mistletoe with boy elves, and the other had Santa Claus sparkin' the schoolmarm," teased Vin Tanner.
"What about you, Vin? Which one did you like?" asked Nathan Jackson.
The sharpshooter thought a moment. "The one where the department store Santa turned out to be the real deal. The one where Mr. French played Santa."
"That's Miracle on 34th Street," JD Dunne identified.
"Plebian," Ezra snarled accusingly. "The original is far superior to the remake."
JD raised an eyebrow. It sounded like Ezra –- Mr. I'm-Too-Sophisticated-To-Let-Anything-Touch-Me –- had a sentimental attachment to the old black and white movie. He exchanged glances with his roommate, Buck.
Buck started to open his mouth to tease Ezra
Josiah noted their silent exchange, and cut Buck off at the pass, quickly interjecting, "What was that movie where Fred Astaire played five or six roles? He was a costume shop owner who rented out three different Santa suits to three different guys."
"Yeah, it was sort of like Love Boat, going back and forth from one plotline to the other," Nathan added. "One guy wanted to propose, one wanted to reconnect with his kid and his ex-wife, and one –" His memory failed him.
"One was a petty crook who went straight at the end," Ezra said, his customary sang-froid restored. "I believe it was called The Man in the Santa Claus Suit. Mr. Jackson, you've not yet contributed to the discussion. Have you a favorite?"
The medic nodded. "The Year Without a Santa Claus –- the cartoon, not the live action remake," he specified. "Especially Heat Miser and Cold Miser."
JD started singing. "I'm Mr. White Christmas, I'm Mr. Snow. I'm Mr. Icicle, I'm Mr. Two Below."
The ATF agents grimaced. JD couldn't carry a tune in a wheelbarrow.
"JD, you didn't say which was your favorite," Buck interrupted.
The young computer specialist stopped singing. "You're gonna laugh."
"No, we won't," Buck assured him.
"Well, Muppet Christmas Carol." He waited, and to his amazement, no one laughed.
"It's got some pretty good songs," Vin acknowledged.
"And having the two hecklers as the Marley Brothers, that was perfect casting," added Josiah.
"Did you ever see Mickey's Christmas Carol?" asked Nathan. "There's a scene with the Ghost of Christmas Present where Scrooge –"
"Perfectly played by Uncle Scrooge McDuck," Buck interrupted.
"Where Scrooge asks why the Crachits aren't eating whatever's in the big pot on the fire, and the Ghost reminds him that Mrs. Crachit does his laundry," Nathan went on.
Josiah turned to their undercover agent. "Which Scrooge do you like best, Ezra? George C. Scott, Patrick Stewart, Alister Sim?"
"Albert Finney."
"Huh?"
"He was in the musical version," Ezra explained. "My favorite song was during the Ghost of Christmas Future segment, when all his debtors were thanking him for dying and tearing up their IOUs."
"I remember that one," JD said. "Alec Guinness, the guy who played Obi-wan Kenobi, was Jacob Marley."
"Sir Alec Guinness made a great many more movies than Star Wars," Ezra informed JD haughtily. Then he relaxed, and reminiscing, he recalled, "There's an old black and white version of Christmas Carol where Scrooge spends the whole movie rubbing a lucky piece –- the first coin he ever earned. And then at the end when he sends the boy to run buy the turkey for the Crachits' dinner, that's the coin he tosses out the window to tip him."
"Figures Ez would remember a scene with money," Buck teased.
"I always liked the Mr. Magoo version," Nathan added.
JD smiled. "Razzleberry dressing."
"You ain't said nothing, Chris," Vin spoke up before JD could start singing again.
"I can tell you Chris' favorite," Buck predicted. "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."
The team leader shook his head. "Haven't seen it in years, but I always liked The Night Before Christmas."
"The one with the mice?" JD began singing again. "You hope, and I'll hurry. You pray, and I'll plan. We'll do what's necessary, 'cause even a miracle needs a hand."
"No, this was a live action one from the '70s. It told how the poem 'A Visit from St. Nicholas' was written. Had some pretty good songs, too."
Josiah shook his head. "Don't remember that one."
"The dad was all cranky and irritated, all Christmased out, and his kids were driving him crazy. His wife was going into Martha Stewart overdrive, baking and decorating. The neighbors' kids were driving sleighs at top speed, shouting to their horses, bells jingling."
His men looked at him blankly.
"I think Paul Lynde played the father, and George Gobel was the peddler."
"No, George Gobel was the voice of Father Mouse in the one with the broken clock," JD told him. "You must be thinking of the cartoon."
"Maybe Gobel did that one, too, but this was live action. He played a peddler, and Paul Lynde -– at least I think it was Paul Lynde -– was getting all upset because his wife -– Rue Maclanahan? –- was acting like he was a long lost relative instead of a salesman interrupting them on Christmas Eve."
"Can't say I recollect it," Vin said.
"The peddler and the mother were singing 'Who'll Come Under the Mistletoe with Me?'." Chris began singing, and to the surprise of all but Buck and Vin, he had a pretty decent voice. "Who'll come under the mistletoe with me? Who, who will come hither? Who, who will it be? Hey diddly diddle, hey diddly dee, who'll come under the mistletoe with me?"
His agents just stared at him.
"He was getting all vexed by all the fuss and bother, just like my father always did, and then eventually he calmed down, just like my father always did," Chris remembered. "He sat his kids down on his lap, and started telling them the poem, making it up as he went, and putting all the things that had annoyed him the whole show into the poem. 'He looked like a peddler just opening his sack' came from George Gobel, and 'on Dasher, on Dancer' and all the rest of the reindeer came from the kids in the sleighs calling their horses' names." He looked at them, waiting for them to acknowledge that they remembered it now.
For a moment everyone was silent. Then JD said, "Naw, no such show."
"I think he's just making it up," Vin decided.
"I am not."
The door to the bullpen opened, and Assistant Director Orin Travis walked in. The argument stopped before it had a chance to get properly started. Everyone tried – unsuccessfully – to look busy.
Travis glanced at the nylons. "Take those down. Are you trying to get a sexual harassment lawsuit?"
"Yessir," Buck muttered, and moved to obey.
Travis looked to see if there was anything else objectionable in the office, then stared at poinsettia on the door. "Are those IBM cards that thing's made out of?
Ezra asked, oh so innocently, "What are IBM cards, sir?"
Travis stared at him, refusing to be baited.
JD started to explain. "They were cardboard cards that were used to program computers in the old days."
"Oh, before my time," the southerner said.
JD looked at Travis apologetically, realizing too late what Ezra had done.
"Yeah, IBM cards folded to make a point, then glued to a pizza cardboard circle as backing and spray painted red," Chris explained. "Old Boy Scout arts and crafts project; my mother never threw it out, and then she gave it back to me when she and Dad moved to Florida."
As Nathan and Buck tried not to laugh, Travis glared at Ezra. Regaining his composure, he explained, "The commander of the Denver PD SWAT team has same problem: bored officers. Since you're not going to do your paperwork anyway, we've arranged a joint training mission. Go over to police training center. Go now."
As the seven agents grabbed their jackets, Chris asked, "By the way, sir, do you know the carol 'Who'll Come Under the Mistletoe with Me?' "
"Sure, George Gobel sang it in the Christmas special where Paul Lynde played Clement C. Moore." Travis paused. "Haven't seen that in years."
Chris smiled wolfishly, a vindicated expression on his face, as they headed out of bullpen.
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Clement C. Moore
Author's Note: The made-for-TV movie was called 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. According to , it was Anne Meara, not Rue McClanahan, who played the mother, but since the movie was first shown in 1977 and is very rarely rerun, it's not surprising Chris couldn't remember the right actress.