TITLE: Take a Breather
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid
RATING: G
SUMMARY: A Yappy Obi story. Obi-Wan questions Qui-Gon about Breathers and family.
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. I make no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
Obi: Master, what is this thing? No wait, let me guess. A harmonica?
Qui: A what?
Obi: Harp?
Qui: Harp what?
Obi: Mouth organ?
Qui: No idea what you are saying, Obi-Wan. It's a Breather.
Obi: A what?
Qui: A Breather. We carry them in our belt pouches.
Obi: Why? I can breathe just fine on my own.
Qui: We keep them should we ever need to swim under water.
Obi: Why would we need to do that? Is there a problem with dry land?
Qui: It's one of those just-in-case type items.
Obi: Oh, wait a minute. Does this have to do with that giant orange frog thing we pick up during one of your pathetic life form journeys?
Qui: What?
Obi: You know, just before you find that Sith kid and ditch me for him?
Qui: Imagination run wild again, Padawan?
Obi: No, probably not. Anyway, do I have to keep this thing?
Qui: The Breather? Yes. It's required Jedi equipment.
Obi: I don't think I require it. I'll just leave it here at home.
Qui: No, I think you'll pack it into your belt pouch.
Obi: No, I think I need the room in there for other things.
Qui: Such as?
Obi: Emergency food, in case we get stranded on dry land.
Qui: Put the Breather in your pouch or I will never consider hugging you again.
Obi: Wow, a little harsh, don't you think?
Qui: But effective.
Obi: Okay, okay. But, Master, can I ask you something?
Qui: Yes.
Obi: Can you help me find my family?
Qui: No, that wasn't random enough. What?
Obi: I want to find my family.
Qui: You have none. Put the Breather away please.
Obi: I have no family? How sad is that? But I know it's not true. I had to come from somewhere.
Qui: I don't know. I got you when you were twelve. You didn't come with papers.
Obi: Funny. I had to have a mother or father. They are out there. Somewhere. Elusive.
Qui: And will remain so. Next subject?
Obi: Master, someone popped me out somewhere. I didn't just appear.
Qui: Perhaps you did.
Obi: You just don't want me to know them so I don't pick them over you.
Qui: Yes, that's my fear, Obi-Wan. That's it. No doubt about it.
Obi: I know sarcasm when I hear it, Master. So, when can we start looking for them?
Qui: Never. We have things to do. Training to be a Jedi is tops among those things, by the way.
Obi: But I'd never be a Jedi if I hadn't sprouted from the loins of a mother.
Qui: Yes, please don't say that ever again. Thank you.
Obi: Can I look in the Archives?
Qui: No. There would be nothing there of interest. Not to mention you've been banned from the Archives yet again for non-stop talking and hug-harassment. Next?
Obi: I can ask Master Yoda!
Qui: You really think that's a good idea?
Obi: He knows everything.
Qui: You really think that?
Obi: Well, I did until you asked me that question. I think he knows everything?
Qui: He told you that didn't he?
Obi: Um, yes?
Qui: No one knows everything, Obi-Wan. Not even the backward swamp troll.
Obi: You told me never to call him that, Master. How come you can get away with it?
Qui: Because.
Obi: Because why?
Qui: Because I can.
Obi: Because I can why?
Qui: Stop it, Obi-Wan!
Obi: But you know your family!
Qui: I know a single cousin and that was by accident. I only found out he was related to me because he looks just like me.
Obi: So. That still counts. I've got no one.
Qui: You have me.
Obi: Not funny, Master.
Qui: I wasn't laughing. I am your family, Obi-Wan. All the Jedi are.
Obi: I think not. I am not even about to assume that I'm family to this bunch. Uncle Mace? Grandpa Yoda? No. Just…no.
Qui: Honestly, Padawan, I have no idea about your family or where you came from. But I don't think it's a good idea to start digging around in that area.
Obi: Why not?
Qui: You might find things you don't like.
Obi: Maybe I'll find the secret to my need for hugs. Do you think my mom was a musher too?
Qui: No, I suspect you are unique in the universe.
Obi: Can I at least find out what planet I was born on?
Qui: Why do you want to know this?
Obi: I just do.
Qui: Not a good reason.
Obi: Okay, what if something bad happens to you? I mean not the whole death-by-acrobatic-tattoo-man thing, but something sooner than that? Like, maybe tomorrow or five minutes from now?
Qui: Are you planning to kill me?
Obi: No.
Qui: Then I'll live.
Obi: But what if you don't? What if you die and I was here and they didn't know what to do with me? You really think any of those other Jedi are gonna adopt me and care for me like you do, Master? Well, care is a strong word, but you know what I'm saying.
Qui: No, you'd be killed within an hour of my death.
Obi: That's my point!
Qui: That's not a point.
Obi: If you die, I've got no one.
Qui: You've got Master Bren.
Obi: I can't do that to her, Master. I love Master Bren. Why would I want to ruin her life by making her train me?
Qui: How about Master Cyan?
Obi: I love him too, but he has all those women drooling after him, and he has an apprentice now.
Qui: He does?
Obi: Yes. Looks just like him too. Long blond hair. Blue eyes. Tanned. He's like a tiny little clone. The girl padawans drool after him. Nasty, by the way. And I haven't figured out the long hair part. Why doesn't he have to wear this spiky peach fuzz thing on his head? Talk about unfairness. Master Cyan is out.
Qui: Brazo! He'll take you in.
Obi: No, he hangs out at that hair place in the Mall all the time now, always having his hair curled and nails filed. Honestly, Master, I think he's become a wuss.
Qui: When good Jedi go bad. It's a sad story when it happens.
Obi: It is. So, you see, I've got no one. Maybe I could ask Chancellor Valium?
Qui: Valorum, and no. He's got enough issues on his plate. He doesn't need yours.
Obi: Then I need to find my parents.
Qui: What if they are dead?
Obi: That would suck.
Qui: You could go live alone in the desert.
Obi: You want me to become a hermit when you die?
Qui: I don't want you to, just offering up viable options. There are some nice hovels on Tattooine, you know.
Obi: Master, be serious.
Qui: I'm not dying right now, Obi-Wan.
Obi: I didn't mean right now. I meant in a year or two.
Qui: That's not what you said a moment ago. Are you trying to tell me something?
Obi: No, just trying to look out for me.
Qui: How about you look out for me and make sure I don't die?
Obi: Oh, I hadn't thought of that! If I look after you, and you live until I'm twenty-five, and oh, by the way, I'm still an apprentice at that time…
Qui: Twenty-what? You still…what? Oh, Sith!
Obi: If I look after you then you live and I don't have to worry about anything!
Qui: Exactly. And we'll talk later about this 'twenty-five years old and still and apprentice thing', but for now, keep me alive and all is well. You don't need to know who your parents were.
Obi: I still do, but I'll find out on my own, behind your back.
Qui: It's not behind my back if you tell me you're going to do it.
Obi: You know, but you don't know when.
Qui: Fine. But if you find out, you are not going to them and scaring the crap out of them by babbling about mush. If you find out, then good, you'll know. That's it. Done.
Obi: You're really are afraid I'll leave you for them, aren't you, Master?
Qui: You guessed it. That's right.
Obi: Aww, Master, I'd never leave you. Unless you died. But then I'd have to leave you. Toss you on a pyre, burn you up and move on.
Qui: That's a nice thought, thank you.
Obi: You're welcome. Now, can you show me how to use this breather thing without going in the water?
Qui: No, it requires water to work properly.
Obi: Okay then. No need to learn it. What's next?
Qui: We'll go to the pool.
Obi: Why?
Qui: To learn to use the Breather.
Obi: No thanks.
Qui: What if we're on a mission in a swamp and my Breather stops working and the only way to save me is to use your Breather and swim to me? If you can't use it, you can't save me. Then I die and you have to go live in a hovel in the desert by yourself at thirteen years old. The only thing there to hug you is herd of Jawas and pack of Hutts.
Obi: I don't think pack is the right term for a group of Hutts. School? Gaggle? Pride? Gathering? Flock? Drove? Horde? Swarm? Clan? Throng? Cluster? Bunch? Hoi Polloi? Assemblage?
Qui: ENOUGH! Focus, Obi-Wan, focus. We're talking about using the Breather, remember?
Obi: So if learn to use it, you won't die in some freak tragic swamp breathing accident?
Qui: Ah, no. I won't. Promise.
Obi: Okay. I'm trusting you, Master. But if you die today, I am so getting Master Bren to kick your butt into next week.
Qui: How will she do that if I'm dead?
Obi: She's Master Bren. She'll find a way.
Qui: Point taken. So, to the pool?
Obi: I guess so. But if it's filled with drool again from those ladies pawning after Master Cyan, I'm not getting in it. Last thing I need is to be sucking up slime through my nose.
Qui: You are one nasty child sometimes.
Obi: Do we still have to go to the pool?
Qui: We could go to Naboo and swim in the swamps.
Obi: With the orange freaky mutant frogs? I think not.
Qui: Then let's go to the pool.
Obi: Okay, but I still want to find my parents.
Qui: No.
Obi: But…
Qui: No.
Obi: I…
Qui: No.
Obi: I love you, Master.
Qui: No.
Obi: Fine. But if I find them and they decided to adopt me, you'll be sorry.
Qui: They can't adopt you if they are your parents. They already own you.
Obi: How much did I cost? Wait…I thought the Jedi just went to places and ripped babies away from their loved ones? No money, no wine and dine, no comforting words, just 'Gimme that kid!'
Qui: Would you stop talking please. You are making no sense. The Jedi didn't buy you. They just took you. Your parents already own you.
Obi: But if they already own me, they have to be alive, right? I can't be property of dead people. Master, you know something. You know who they are.
Qui: Well…
Obi: Master!
Qui: Okay, fine. I know who and where they are.
Obi: Let's go!
Qui: No.
Obi: But…
Qui: You'll scare them.
Obi: I most certainly will not. I'm not scary.
Qui: Why do you think people run away from you when you come into a room?
Obi: Well, because…wait, no one does that. Who does that?
Qui: Mace. Yoda. Brazo. Terran. Nev. Archives Mari. The rest of the Council. The Chancellor would if he didn't have a public reputation to maintain. Need I go on?
Obi: But I'm not physically scary. I just talk and mush a lot.
Qui: Scary.
Obi: But that wouldn't scare my parents. They love me.
Qui: They don't know you. When you left them you were so peaceful and quiet. Now you are…not. Do you really want to disrupt their lives?
Obi: Not really, but what if they need me?
Qui: Why would they need you?
Obi: Everyone needs a little me in their lives.
Qui: You overestimate the needs of people.
Obi: I do, don't I?
Qui: So, no more parent talk. I will tell you that they are alive and healthy. No need to ruin that.
Obi: Can I just see them? You know, do a fly-by or something?
Qui: How about a draw you a picture?
Obi: How about I just laugh out loud now?
Qui: How about a toss a bar of soap in your mouth and then duct tape that mouth shut?
Obi: How about I shut up now?
Qui: Good boy. Now, enough parent talk. A Breather lesson awaits us. Shut up and follow me.
Obi: Yes, sir.
Qui: What did you say?
Obi: I said yes sir.
Qui: Don't do that.
Obi: Do what?
Qui: Behave. It unnerves me.
Obi: But you always tell me to behave!
Qui: Yes. It sounds good in theory, but when you actually do it, I fear for my life.
Obi: Master, you do know that you are as messed up as I am, right?
Qui: I do.
Obi: Okay, just checking. Pool?
Qui: Come on, we'll chase Cyan and his droolers away if needed. We've got a Breather lesson to learn.
Obi: Yeah! No swamp deaths for you, Master!
Qui: No death talk and swamps are nasty. I'm alive. Keep it that way.
Obi: But when I'm twenty-five…
Qui: Stop it. Don't depress me. Think happy thoughts like, you'll be knighted when you're fourteen.
Obi: Wow. I will? That's never been in my dreams.
Qui: Well, it should be. It could happen.
Obi: Sure, and Archives Mari will invite me to be her assistant.
Qui: Better keep dreaming, Obi-Wan.
The End