Prompt: Getting good at starting over
Pairing: Cullen Rutherford/ Fiora Lavellan
Rating: PG-13 (just to be safe)
"My clan is important to me, Cullen. I am their First! I can't just leave them by the wayside because I have feelings for you that some might think I shouldn't have."
"I'm not asking you to do that, Fiora."
"But you are! I feel so deeply for you and I want to be with you, always. But my clan must come first. My Keeper isn't as young as she used to be and she chose her second because she had to. We protected them once, and for that I am eternally grateful, but what happens after the final battle with Corypheus? The Inquisition will need to move their forces where it's needed, not on a clan of Dalish elves. After the battle, I will need to step down, choose someone to take my place, so I can take my own place as Keeper. It's an obligation I cannot look past." Fiora turned away to study the fire in the mantle within her chambers to hide the emotion brimming in her green eyes. Crossing one of her arms across her stomach, the other hand went to scratch the back of her neck- a habit she had learned from Cullen from all the times she silently watched him from afar. Her long blonde hair wasn't in its normal braid; so much of it fell over her shoulder to hide her face from her visitor.
"Trust me, I know all about obligations and demands of you. It consumes my mind every day, every time you leave Skyhold. I have lived with obligations of my own, but I knew that as long as I had you at my side, that I would be able to complete them. If you go back to your clan, I cannot follow, as much as I would wish I could." As his voice trailed off, Fiora could feel him drawing closer and tensed. He must have sensed her tension because he stopped a short distance away, but that didn't keep her from feeling the heat constantly rolling off of him like a warm breeze from the Western Approach.
This was one conversation she knew she and Cullen would have eventually. She was hoping that it wouldn't be, but when she realized that her feelings for the Commander wouldn't be leaving anytime soon, it became a regretful requirement. This wasn't their first argument, but it was definitely the most important. To her. Possibly to Them. Turning, she moved her hair back over her shoulder and stood straight, shoulders back and face up to look on at her Commander.
"I'm sorry, Cullen. If things were different. If I weren't her First, I would say to the Void with it. I...but I just can't do it. Once we have defeated Corypheus and things have settled down. I will be leaving to re-join my clan to the south. My decision has been made."
Cullen's lips thinned in his displeasure. She could tell he was trying to decide on a way to change her mind, but he knew her well. Short of kidnapping, he knew nothing would change her mind.
"Just go. I have an early morning tomorrow and I still have some paperwork to complete and a book to read for Josephine." Fiora gritted, brows furrowed, but not in anger.
"Yes, Inquisitor. I will leave you to your preparations." Cullen murmured as he backed towards the stairs leading down to the main hall. Once he was gone, Fiora moved towards her bed and sat down on the edge. When she heard the door below slam shut, she felt a shudder course through her body, finally giving way to her emotions.
That horrible discussion had been three weeks ago. Three weeks. Twenty-one days. Five-hundred and four hours, twenty-five minutes. Not that she had been counting. Staring up at the sky from her balcony affixed to her quarters, she absently touched the coin he had given her. For luck, he said. She didn't really believe items could give someone luck, but at the time, she had been willing to accept any token he had been willing to give her. While she may not believe in the luck of the item, it gave her a focus, which had surprised her during the fight. Going in, she thought of Cullen. During the fight, she wanted to think of her clan, to use Vallaslin she had been given to show her as First and the blessings she had received from the Creators as a result of that choice as a focus for her flames, but she found her fingers lingering on the coin wrapped tightly in spindly metal and attached to a chain made of Everite, protected by a charm. In those twenty-one days, it had only taken ten of them to realize the mistake she had made. She immediately drew a missive to have secretly delivered by one of Lilliana's spies to her clan. Shortly before Fiora, Cassandra, Iron Bull and Solas left for the final battle, the spy returned with her Keeper's reply. Perhaps that is why it was Cullen on her mind and not her clan as she went to deliver Thedas from the evil that was Corypheus.
"Andaran atish'an da'len,
I was most pleased to receive your missive. Great news of your exploits and achievements has come to our ears from across the Waking Sea. We are all joyful of all you have accomplished. But this reply will remain short.
Da'len, your letter also troubled me, troubled my heart. After the loss of your family to bandits, I began to see you as the daughter I never had. Mythal truly blessed our clan when you came into the world. While teaching you the ways of the Elvhen and the ways of the Keeper, you never once showed interest in any one of the young men of our clan beyond trysts behind the aravel. When you left for the conclave those months ago, before becoming the humans' Herald of Andraste and then the leader of the Inquisition, I knew that you would not be coming back to us. It was fortunate that Min'onal had studied alongside you. He has become an adept First. So when I received your letter from the lovely human you sent it with, stepping down as First, it caused no problem.
I am proud of you, ma da'len. You have achieved great things and will continue to do so. I see great things in you. But most of all, I wish you happiness. I have a feeling that there is more to this relationship you have formed with Commander Cullen. Do not throw it away because you feel obligations to our clan. You will always be welcome to visit from time to time, but for now, we are taken care of. Min'onal is a capable Keeper and warrior and has plans to have young men and women trained in self-defense.
Be happy, ma vhenan."
Fiora sighed as she looked down at the coin, thinking of her warrior. After what she said to him, he had been cordial to her, proper. His mannerisms said one thing out of propriety, but the look in his eyes never left. His eyes, those wonderful golden eyes, always held hurt and sadness. Even when she returned triumphant from the final battle, his face smiled and it seemed as if joy filled him, but his expressive eyes still held that sadness she had put there with her words. She hadn't discussed with him that she had been contemplating standing down as First because she had not yet heard from her Keeper. He still hugged her close, though she initiated the embrace, but it was short and without his usual heat she had grown accustomed to since the start.
Clasping the charm he had given her, she looked down into the gardens below, his familiar mane of flaxen hair gleaming in the moonlight, surrounded by the fur of his cloak. Her breath caught in her throat, as it did nearly every time she saw him. He was glorious, even from afar. He walked with purpose, proud of his station in the Inquisition, bowing his head when soldiers in the gardens saluted him, their fists over their hearts. When he came to a stop at the pavilion and sat on one of its benches, she gathered wisps of magic from around her, using her ability to manipulate the rift, and formed a small bird and sent it down to him. It seemed the appropriate form to catch his attention. It was his nickname for her- Little Bird. She watched as the small, green-glowing bird landed on his shoulder and pecked his cheek to catch his attention. When he saw it, he looked up to her balcony and stood when he saw her standing there; clasping the necklace she never removed. Fiora watched as he bowed his head to her in acknowledgement of her request and moved towards the door to the main hall like a Halla taking flight.
Rushing to her desk, she grabbed her brush, running it through her golden locks before looking into the darkened window. She normally didn't care how she looked, but after not having Cullen in her company alone in over a month, she found she wanted to now.
A knock echoed from the door below before the sound of it being opened rang about the cavernous room she lived in. Nervousness and excitement flowing through her, Fiora rang her hands in front of her as her Lion emerged from below. As ever, he had one hand on the pommel of his sword and his other hand hooked to his belt by his thumb. At the top of the stairs, he turned to face her, stepping closer but not so close as he used to, as if he could not resist being as close to her as possible.
"Inquisitor. You summoned me?" He stood tall, proud, unforgiving and her heart fluttered in remembrance of when he wasn't so composed.
Fiora nodded in recognition, as was polite, but she didn't maintain decorum. "Cullen, I am glad you agreed to come here. I have wanted to talk to you, but there wasn't time. Things have been hectic about Skyhold, as you know.
"Cullen, ma sa'lath. I wanted you to be the first I told. I will not be leaving the Inquisition to return to my clan." When he looked as if he was going to interrupt, she hurriedly continued. "I know that once I make up my mind, I don't usually renege on it, but in this case, I am making an exception."
"Why? You more or less ended things when last we talked."
"I know and you cannot know how much I wish I could go back and change what was said, what I said. I know I must live with my choices and only beg your forgiveness. I contacted my Keeper and she has notified me that, since I hadn't contacted them, they assumed I would not be returning to take over my role as Keeper, so her second took over as First. I am free to stay with the Inquisition, if I so choose. To stay with... "Fiora trailed off with a blush. Cullen took a step forward.
"To stay with…?"
Fiora looked up at him, heat flooding her cheeks. "To stay with you. If you will have me."
"If I will have you." Cullen scoffed as he turned away from Fiora, but didn't leave. "That's the thing about my words being my bond. I will always be by your side." Turning back to face her, he continued. "You should have confided in me. I could have helped."
"Like you waited until it was almost too late to come to me for help with your Lyrium withdrawal?" Fiora pointed out, carefully, hoping not to anger him with her words.
Cullen nodded. "I see your point. It seems we have some things to get through." Opening his arms wide, Cullen motioned for Fiora to move into his welcoming embrace. When she was where she truly belonged, Cullen placed his head on top of hers, burying his nose in her hair and inhaling deep. "I have missed you, my little bird."
"And I you, my Lion. Let us not make a habit of getting into arguments like this again. I don't want it to seem as if we are getting good at starting over." This earned her a chuckle birthed deep within his chest, near his heart.
"I completely agree."