Facepunch Plays: The Fanfiction OIFY Turbo edition
Written by: Slacker996, Craftsman, and KarmA
Inspired by: Black Dynamite, Escape From New York, Metal Gear Solid, and Space Station 13
Years before chapter one:
Fetchingtoaster had done it, he had finally seduced CourageDog after her tight lemonade ass was penetrated by Mentran after Mentran had gotten pegged by CourageDog. Toaster proceeded to put the wine glasses on the counter, pouring fine white Bordeaux into the crystaline glasses, slipping a Ruffee into one of the glasses, dissolving into the white liquid. Toaster then proceeded to pull out his small white phallic limb and began to masturbate furiously to the thought of CourageDog's tight hairy vagina and that Kawaii nipple hair carresing her huge breasts.
He shot his sticky liquid into the glass, picking up the glass he walked into the living room, boner in full strength. He gave CourageDog the glass with the ruffee and sperm mixture which would surely put her under his hold. Surely enough as soon as CourageDog had drank the wine had she turned to sudden dull and dazed state of mind. Toaster took his snake out of his pants, he slid his hand up her skirt, stroking his dick as he felt the warm pink taco. He blew his load into CourageDog's face, she lapped it all off with her tounge. "Take your pants off, bitch, this Canadian cock is coming inside." Toaster commanded. Courage obeyed, pulling her skirt and panties down. Toaster bent her over, he took his pants off and climbed on top of her, he then slid his dick into her tight lemonade rectum, causing it to bleed profusely. This bleeding had only fueled Toaster's wild sex rampage and he began speed up, tearing Courage's rectum even more. Soon enough pus began to leak out of her asshole, infecting Toaster with Facepunchia and Crabs. He was about to explode! Toaster exited her glutes and flipped Courage over, shooting his load once again into her face. By now Toaster was extremely tired, so he pushed her away, and sat down to think about what he was doing with his life. He thought about the SOA. The terrorist organization. He hated them with a passion since he lost his uncle in the bombing of The Statue of Hezzy.
Toaster realized that he was a rapist, he cried, but then he realized that not all is lost. He would dedicate his life to stopping crime. Toaster had decided, he would join the beach patrol.
CHAPTER ONE MOFUCKAS "Why did you bring me here, Donkey Kong", Fausty said as he stood before the mighty, powerful admin overlords. "Scrubs." Admin Donkey Kong said as he lit a cigar. Stroking his beard. "Why the fuck did you bring me for that? Can't you call the army in for something like this?", Fausty yelled, angry and pumped with testosterone. Admin Slacker stood up "Them niggas dead."
"You our only hope nigga, we heard 'bout how you escaped from The Refugee Cam-", Fausty stood up from his chair "Don't bring that event up you sonofabitch". Admin Slacker stood still, "Forgive me".
Admin Donkey Kong continued, "The scrubs have seized control of New Jersey, for an army of 8, they're deadly. Their leader goes by the codename BananaFoam, here's picture". The screen behind the Admin Overlords flashed brightly and faded to show the image of a fat hairy man with his nose hairs obviously visible. "This man is dangerous, that is why you're going to have to be stealthy."
Admin Party Hats stood up. "He and his group of Scrubs are always moving from point A to point B bombing landmarks such as the Gold Statue of Hezzy, which ended with 200000000 casualties."
Fausty was visibly moved by this, as he always had a respect for Hezzy. "I'm going to take this bastards down or die trying. They will feel the sting that is Fausty! RAAGGHHHH"
Admin Donkey Kong smiled, "We ship you out in 3 days. You will be put on our Special FPP Motorcycles with torpedo's and a lunch dispenser. We will supply you with assault rifles and rocket guns."
Donkey sat back down, "In the meantime, you need to get ready.", "My wife died years ago. My family is gone. I guess that I have nothing to lose.", Fausty leaves while putting his leather biker jacket on.
Fausty left The Hall of Admins and rolled off on his Harley Davidson. When he was riding down the freeway, he thought that he could try to get laid within the 3 days. So he went to the beach.
He looked for babes to have the sex with. Upon wandering under the boardwalk, he saw local town hobo Ryu-Gi. When Fausty bumped into him, Ryu-Gi fell to the floor and cried. "ALL I WANTED WAS COFFEE, RARAGGHH.", Fausty was visibly creeped out by this ugly weirdo. If you looked into his face, you could see the crusty semen and fecal matter on his lips. You could see more when he opened his mouth. Then, a familiar voice was heard, "RYU-GI COME OUT WE KNOW YOU'RE HERE", Fausty ran out from under the boardwalk. It was none other than FetchingToaster, Beach patrol!
"COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP", FetchingToaster demanded, his eyes red as tomatoes, Ryu-Gi walked out from under the boardwalk, his hands up. FetchingToaster approached him, pointing his gun at his head. Ryu-Gi began to laugh. "WHAT THE FUCK YOU LAUGHIN' AT?", FetchingToaster screamed at Ryu-Gi as he began to get angrier. Suddenly, Ryu-Gi took his clothes off, to reveal C4 strapped to his chest. "HE'S STRAPPED", FetchingToaster screamed as he does backflips 20 meters away from Ryu-Gi's plump disgusting body. Ryu-Gi explodes and guts fly everywhere. His intestines smack a girl in her face. She falls on the floor and cries, her tears streaming down her pale, pale face.
FetchingToaster lands in a ninja pose as his hat falls off, revealing a thick black afro. "Your coffee chasing days are over, loser.", FetchingToaster stands back up before Fausty caught up to him. "What a show" Fausty said, "That's why they call me the beach king, the streets haven't been the same since the scrubs took over, that's why I joined the force.",
Fausty smiled, "Yeah, it's a shame. It's a shame, I'm actually being sent to stop them, we should team up.", FetchingToaster accepts his offer "Anything to stop these fuckers."
Fausty and FetchingToaster met up in front of The Hall of Admins 3 days later. "Let's do this," Fausty said as he walked up the ivory steps. As they went inside they were greeted by the admins. "Who is this?", Admin Jackald asked, "He's my partner." Fausty stated. "Good. The more the merrier, we're not giving him supplies though.", "Fine by me." FetchingToaster stated as he holds his knapsack. "Send them both, they have work to do." Admin Slacker says in a calm voice.
Chapter 2: Shit be real
New Jersey, 2014. The sky is engulfed in smoke. Zoom into the city streets. Fausty and FetchingToaster are standing in front of the butchershop, Fausty pulls out a walkie talkie, "We're at Banana and Foam's Butchershop, is this the place?", PartyHats answered, "Yes. Run inside, you should see a fire alarm next to the door. Pull it, then once everybody leaves, go through the backroom to the basement, the scrubsicles should be down there. Kill them, all of them.", "Got it." Fausty says. Fausty and FetchingToaster kick the door down and pull the fire alarm.
Everybody in the resturaunt struggled to leave, some stumbled, but eventually they all left. Fausty and FetchingToaster kick down the backroom door, a scrub grunt was at the door holding a shotgun.
As he aimed it, FetchingToaster shot him in between the eyes, the man stumbles around mindlessly as blood spews from his bullet wound, eventually he fell, twitching all over the floor until Toaster shot him one more time in the skull, his frontal bone shattered in Toaster's face, his face covered in brain, "Scrub.", he says as he walks over the scrub grunt's body. They make it to the large cocaine manufacturing station. Scrubs are working on the cocaine. "HEY SCRUBS", Fausty yells as he does a super slo-mo dive while shooting them all with his dual mac-10's. FetchingToaster turns his rocket boots on and rams into the one of the scrubs, he's holding the scrub as he does flips in the air with his rocket boots. It end's with Toaster piledriving the scrub into the ground as the scrub vomits blood all over his hands. "Play it loud", FetchingToaster whispers into the scrubs ear before finally doing a flip in the air and burning the scrub with his rocketboots. Once they finished killing all of the scrubs, they run into one room. They find bodies of dead FPP members. Nametags such as Firefox42 and Swag Drake were on the bodies. They heard footsteps behind them. They turned around with their weapons armed. "Put the guns down boys, I'm a friend.", This man had a tuxedo and a handlebar mustache.
"My name is Karl Von Shitfuck. Secret service member of Denmark's FPP division . I came to assist you, the admins sent me and paid me to help you boys.", Fausty holsters his gun, "alright let's go kick some scrub ass."
Just then, gunshots were fired. Karl fell to the floor. Bullet wounds all over his back."SHIET", Fetching Toaster yelled. "You boys certainly came a long way, but you couldn't get to me." a strange voice echoed. "COME OUT MOFUCKA", FetchingToaster demanded.
"Just a moment." the voice echoed again.
That was it. Right there, tranquilizers were shot at them. "NOOOOOOO", Fausty screamed as he was tearing his shirt off. FetchingToaster was breathing deeply as he was crawling, trying to leave.
Fausty slumped onto the floor, knocked out. "Take them with us, Villein, we can't stay in New Jersey anymore, we're set to bomb the TH89 memorial tower in a week." "Yes BananaFoam.", Villein says as he kisses BananaFoam's boot.
Chapter 3: TEH GR8 ESC8PE "OHOHOHOHO" BananaFoam laughed, stroking his gay french mustache. "How we end up here?" FetchingToaster said. "We tranquilized you boys with my daddy's hunting rifle! MHMHMHMH" BananaFoam declared.
"We need to think of a way out of this." Fausty said. A loud ring came from above their heads, as a intercom powered on. BananaFoam says "MHMHMHMHMH YOU BOYS ARE IN LUCK THAT WE DIDN'T KIll YOU."
"LET US GO BANANAFOAM! THIS AINT RIGHT" FetchingToaster yelled. BananaFoam smiles. "Call me the Anal Wrencher."
Fausty grimaced.
"Baaack to what I was sayiiinnng... MHMHMH... Karl Von Shitfuck.. Ooooohh.. You're even tighter down there when you're deceased... Hohoho..."
FetchingToaster started to get a small sweat going. "Ew." FetchingToaster said. "You'll find ouuut... Now, Villein, open the gas vents and start flooding them with laughing gas.. Oakman, go get our "toys" ready." BananaFoam said.
"YEES SIR! I VILL GO EN GET THEE VEENTS OPEEN! REMEMBER TO NOT HURT THEIR HOLES TO BAD EITHER!" Villein said, running off to the vents, making sure to grab a gasmask gimp suit on the way out.
"Oakman! Where are you!" BananaFoam screamed, becoming impatient. "I'M RIGHT MMMPHER HERE SIR!" Oakman yelled in the highest of voices, muffled. "SORRY! I WASMMPGH HAVING TOO MMPHUCHH PHFUNN WIFFF OUR TOYSS!" "MHMHMHMH I see.. Get them out of storage and bring them down to the chamber..."
Fausty and FetchingToaster are still sitting in their chamber, awaiting to see what what kind of sick, horrific torture they were going to face. Suddenly, there hear the sound of metal creaking open, then a sharp hiss. Suddenly, tiny green clouds started rolling over the metal floor. "Laughing gas nigga!" FetchingToaster yelled. They tried running to one of the corners of the cage, but it was too late, they were already under the effects of the gas.
They begin to hallucinate, they laugh, they cry.
Minutes later, Fausty and FetchingToaster are knocked out. BananaFoam slowly walks in, now wearing a gimp. "Hope you two aren't circumsized."
Chapter: 4 A New Hope
This was it. Oakman's funtime as he thought. What was going through his head was perversion. That was when FetchingToaster began to move. He wakes up, stands up into a Kung Fu pose,
"YOU FUCKED WIT' DA WRONG BROTHUH TONIGHT WATCHAAAA!" FetchingToaster sends a punch right through Oakman's chest, Oakman vomits blood as he begins to cry. "OMAE WA MU SHINDEIRU BROTHA." FetchingToaster's fist glows into a red color, as it glows more intensely, Oakman explodes, causing gore to dress the room in red paint.
"Fausty les' get outta here!" FetchingToaster scoops Fausty onto his shoulder and breaks through the isolation chamber. He is in the main prison area of what he doesn't know is a space station.
The space station is headed for Syria. Anyways, FetchingToaster runs up to the captain's room. He puts his ear to the door. "MHMHMHMHMH VILLEIN OHOHOHOHO-", FetchingToaster jumps back in disgust.
"aw man, 3. 2. 1.", FetchingToaster karate kicks the door down and rushes at BananaFoam, who is having sexual relations with Villein and DentalDoctor. "ATATATATATATATATA", FetchingToaster rushes at Villein with a flurry of punches and kicks. "NO MY BOYTOY", yells BananaFoam, who is cowering in fear. FetchingToaster stops attacking Villein. Villein's face is mangled and covered in blood.
He attempts to regain balance but he falls backwards and slams his head on the metal floor, the deal is done. Villein gives up. Fetching Toaster watches him, stroking his mustache. "Oh dear you killed him!"
BananaFoam screams at FetchingToaster. FetchingToaster turns his head. "Bitch please." FetchingToaster realizes that DentalDoctor was hiding behind a chair. FetchingToaster picks up his walkie-talkie.
"We've captured BananaFoam. We need backup." PartyHats answered. "Where you at nigga?". FetchingToaster walks up to a map. "We're in Syria." NoPartyHats answered once more, "We're sending troops.
Good job." Troops arrived from FPP. Corporal AbananaPeel came up to FetchingToaster and the now awake Fausty in front of the landed space station. "Great job boys, now we've got these guys by their penises!"
"Thank's Corporal. We're one step closer to ridding the world of these scrubs." Fausty smiled. "Well then boys, howsabout we go back to Amurca and have lunch?" Fausty and Fetching followed the Corporal, "Corporal, where's BananaFoam?" "Oh well he's right over there in the cag-, WHO TOOK HIM OUT OF THE CAGE?" Suddenly an FPP grunt comes running for the corporal. "CORPORAL THE ATTACK HELICOPTER IS GONE." Fausty looks up "OHOHOHOH YOU CANT CATCH ME" BananaFoam was in the helicopter. "MHMHMHMHHMH" BananaFoam began to fire aimlessly at the FPP members. Fausty jumped behind cover.
FetchingToaster was no where to be seen. The helicopter kept firing while BananaFoam laughed and laughed. Fausty tried look upward at the helicopter but couldn't.
"MHMHMHMH I'M DONE HERE SO LONG BOYS TIME TO GET TO THE TH89 TOWER!" BananaFoam sped off into the desert.
Chapter 5: The end Fausty lay there in the sand, the bodies of his pals rotting about him. He stares into the sun. He gets onto his knees staring at the ground. "I've failed..." he says to himself.
"I couldn't do it. I had all of the opportunities but I couldn't do it. I've failed. I'm a loser, I'm a nobody!" Fausty punches the sand and looks up at the sky. "You aren't a nobody." Fausty looks to his left, a mortally wounded FetchingToaster lay in the sand, Fausty is in shock. "It's not over... you still have time." , FetchingToaster said as he lay dying. "They've escaped! I can't do shit. They're going to bomb the fucking tower." Fausty begins to get angry. "The teleporter. If it still wor... works..." FetchingToaster's eyes go dull. Fausty stares into his friend's eyes for one last time. He shuts his eyelids with his fingers. "The teleporter...", Fausty runs to the teleporter and he goes inside. He sends coordinates to the TH89 Memorial Tower and suddenly, flash. All he can see is white. He falls, covering his eyes. Suddenly he sees a faint image of what seems to be the tower. The image flickers more and more. He suddenly flashes and is lunged forward to reveal himself to inside the monument. He is on the stairwell. He runs upward to almost reach a vantage point. A guard is at the vantage point, holding a sniper rifle. It's become apparent that his job is obviously to guard the monument before the big honcho was to come by to okay the bombing. He was then directed to leave the building before it would be bombed. This won't happen, however. Fausty was going to make sure of that. Fausty pulled a switchblade from out of his pocket as he snuck up to him. The guard turned around shocked,
all he could see was Fausty's eyes. Within those eyes, he saw pain, he saw torture, but most of all, he saw fury. Fausty brought his switchblade to his chest and sliced into his chest, all while emotionlessly staring at the scrubsniper. His eyes began to get wider. His mouth began to move. His face went from blank to furious. He screams. "". He continually stabs the guard. With each punch of the blade, more blood began to accumulate on Fausty's body. The man was whimpering and somehow still alive. "P-p-p-p-leasss-" Fausty kicked him, "YOU DON'T KNOW THE SHIT I'VE DONE." Fausty grabs the man by his hair, and slides his blade onto his upper forehead. "Mother FUCKER". Fausty scalps the man. Blood was everywhere. Fausty then put the blade to his neck and jerked it diagonally. The man's throat, slit. Fausty stood backed up against the wall breathing deeply in a state of shock, shaking. He falls to the floor. Breathing. He would wait until BananaFoam came to the monument. It had been 3 hours already, then he heard helicopters, them being followed by humvees. He grabbed the gun. Fausty looked down at the rifle, he could feel the heat from the sun burning on his skin, the rifle was starting to heat up as well. He felt the sweat ripple down his forhead, he was already drenched in the sweat from hours of waiting. He took a deep breath and kept looking, he saw nothing yet. He fired a round at one of the humvees, the bullet hits the windshield and easily tears through it and it hits the driver. He sees how the first car loses control and drives off the road into what used to be a building, the man on the machine gun flies out and lands on the front of the humvee. When he attempts to stand up, Fausty lets off another round right into the head of the scrub. The bullet blows through his skull, then his frontal lobe, then his brainstem.
The blood stains the humvee red around the soldier, Fausty smiles. The other cars start speeding up and head for the Tower. The helicopters hover about in the air. Fausty falls to the floor in panic, he is behind the balcony. He knows he isn't safe and that he has to move but one thing is keeping him. The bloodlust.
Fausty hears one of the helicopters coming closer. Fausty jumps up slinging the rifle from his shoulder, he aims, fires. He's hit the pilot. The bullet penetrates his chest,
he loses control. The helicopter falls forward. The blades chop into the balcony as the helicopter falls. The balcony is near destroyed. Fausty is in a state of shock. The helicopter crashes.
into the side of the building, it leaves a gaping hole of wreckage, The whole building shakes and Fausty falls to the floor. Everything went quiet, Fausty layed there on the ground waiting.
That's when he heard a helicopter, no wait, two? three? He peaked out from what used to be the balcony. Four helicopters. Fausty falls to the floor, panicking. What he noticed about the helicopters was that they weren't armed with just guns, but missiles. That's when he realized. Fausty stands up and tries to make a run for it. A missile hits the balcony, destroying it,
The force sends Fausty falling down the stairwell. Fausty fell to the bottom of the stairwell with a broken left arm. "FAUSTY COME OUT IN SUBMISSION, WE WILL TAKE YOU BY FORCE IF YOU DON'T" BananaFoam yells through the helicopter speakers. He tries to crawl. He stands up. Limping, he walks out of the stairwell through the door. Fausty had given up. He walks outside next to the helicopter wreckage and he puts his hands behind his head. The scrubs leave the humvees to arrest Fausty. Fausty notices a missile launcher where the helicopter wreckage was. He takes it. Aims it, fires it, he hits one of the helicopters above. The explosion caused shrapnel to fly everywhere. The other 4 helicopters fell to the ground as the shrapnel pierced the machinery. They explode not too long after that. The humvees crushed in the wreckage. The scrubs mutilated by the raining metal. However, one scrub outshined them all. He saw that one had a mech suit.
He ran as fast as he could evading fire before being able to make it to the mech. He pulled out the dead scrub with his only functioning arm.
He jumps into the Mech and powers it up, the last of the humvees open fire against it, he barely feels the tiny explosions as the mech rises. The soldiers only see a 70 feet tall monster, they keep firing. Fausty powers up the weaponry on the Mech, he fires off 200 million rockets in one second, as they fly through the sky they darken it for minutes as they start going down. When they hit the ground huge explosions starts going off everywhere on the battlefield. The Humvees are shred to pieces from the sheer force of all the explosions, the bodies of the fallen soldiers starts flying around, like they're dancing in the wind. As Fausty is looking over the battlefield, he feels that he's forgotten something. As he hits the sand and looks up, he sees who it is "BananaFoam, my arch nemesis of faggotry!", he said with frustration. He raises the Mech's body and looks off into the distance at BananaFoam. Something is off. BananaFoam repaired his body through augmentations. He is now CyborgFoam.
He starts charging at CyborgFoam and starts shooting at him the mounted machine guns, he sees BananaFoam deflect the bullets with his totally badass sword made of gold encrusted with diamonds.
Just as Fausty comes close enough to strike at BananaFoam, he cuts up the entire Mega Mech, making all the pieces start to fall down towards the ground made of sand. Fausty jumps out of the control chair just before it hits the ground, exploding, he sees the chair fly past him at about 2500 miles per hour, it disappears into the distance. He look away at BananaFoam, who is gone now, he starts looking around the dunes and gets hit from behind, feeling the shocking pain in his back. He starts screaming and starts flying away. He hits the ground and just lies there for a few seconds before he realizes what happened, he hears the sandstorm getting closer. He gets up and sees BananaFoam charging at him, Fausty notices the pain in his legs when he tries to move, before he noticed, BananaFoam was right in front of him and hit him in the face. Fausty fell flat down into the ground, he could feel the blood mixing with the sand. BananaFoam lifts him up by the throat and looks in his eyes, and says "By the way, you do a terrible Adam Jensen voice MHMHMHMH.", BananaFoam lifts up his fist to finish off Fausty, finally. BananaFoam notices how Fausty quickly starts to increase in weight and size, before he knows it, Fausty's twice the size of BananaFoam, his body toned, his muscles bulging from his body, his facial expression, furious. BananaFoam looks up... "My Adam Jensen is the best there is." that was it, BananaFoam backs up, Fausty pounds his fist into BananaFoam repeatedly. With each strike, blood sprays from the weak BananaFoam. He falls down into the sand almost entirely burried. Fausty picks him up and stares into the weak BananaFoam's eyes. "Omae Wa Mu, Shindeiru, brother.", BananaFoam feels Fausty rip him up. Fausty then pounds him into the ground. Coloring the sand red.
Fausty stares at the sky, breathing deeply, as he shrinks back to regular size. "I did it." Fausty says with triumph in his voice. "I did it. I killed the scrubs."
Fausty then notices something in the clouds. He sees FetchingToaster and his glorious afro. "You did it brotha." Fausty tears up with a smile in his face.
FetchingToaster fades away into the wind as Fausty still smiles.
EPILOGUE:
Fausty stands in a graveyard covered in white flowers, trying not to cry while staring at the graves of all the members of the Jimmy Steals Boxcar gang. President PartyHats walks up behind Fausty, noting the tear running down the ex-banned's face. "You did what had to be done, you did your job" The President tells him. "I killed him... I killed them all. All of the scrubs are dead" Fausty trembles while saying this. "So we've heard, the bodies have been recovered and destroyed. It's like they never existed. Craptasket would be proud." Fausty looks at the president and asks, "Now what? I've killed the scrubs, am I free?" The President sighs and shakes his head, "No you're not. We need you for other missions, there are more scrubs in the world that need to be killed. You're essentially going to act as our inside man." Fausty's eyes shoot open, "What are you talking about, I thought I'd be free from the scrub list?" The President stares back at Fausty, "You were never going to be free, we were going to kill you anyways once this mission was done. You've proven to be worthy of keeping, but you have much to do before you're truly saved, for now you're an asset at our disposal." The President is interrupted by his assistant, Codename KarmA. "Sir, the admiral wants to see you." The President nods and smiles, "I'll see you on the R.M.S. OIFY, Fausty. Or should I say, Big Scrub." The President begins to walk away, and Big Scrub looks into the sun and turns back to the graves. He gives one last salute and drops a bouquet of flowers on the main grave in the center.