Discworld Hamlet
Parts:
Hamlet Jr: Capt. Carrot Irondounderson
Hamlet Sr. – the dead king: Commander Samuel Vimes
Claudius (king of Ankh-Morpork): Lord Havelock Vetinari
Polonius (king's head counsellor): Rufus Drumknott
Gertrude (queen of Ankh-Morpork and mother of Hamlet Jr.): Lady Sybil Ramkin-Vimes
Laert (son of Polonius): Corp. Nobby Nobbs
Horatio (friend of Hamlet Jr): Sgt. Fred Collon
Ofelia (daughter of Polonius): Sgt. Angua
Rosencrantz: Lord Rust
Guildenstern: Lord Downey
Fortinbras (the prince of Klatch): 71-hour Ahmed
Director: Leonard of Quirm
Carrot Ironfaunderson: (to the director – Leonard of Quirm) Sir, do I really have to do this? It's so… silly. And the text here is…
Leonard of Quirm: Look, young man, this is how it's written and this is how it's going to be. Go on.
Carrot looks at the text and sighs.
Carrot: All right. (turns to the audience: whoever was on duty in the Palace) The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold…
Sam Vimes: Hey, Carrot, why don't you hurry up. I have a pee here, and that stupid thighs itch me badly.
Leonard: Please, your grace, don't interrupt the act, as I already said it's quite long and it shall be as long as it is.
Vimes: No way, man. (turns to Carrot) Carrot, Go faster, don't listen to that dumb. I have to pee and if I wait even a minute longer there will be a very nasty smelly spot in here.
Leonard: (sighs) All right, as you wish. But I'm not promising it will have the right influence over the audience.
Vimes: Who cares of the audience? Go on.
Leonard looks at Carrot and gives him a sign to continue.
Carrot: Do I have to say the words again or…
Leonard: If we have to follow the fast procedure, young man, than you have to leave the book aside and to speak what you remember from the script.
Carrot leaves the book on the floor.
Carrot: Where are my friends? I want to see my friends.
Lord Rust and Lord Downey enter the stage.
Rust: Here we are, Hamlet, our lord and friend. (smiles)
Downey: Yeah, lord and friend. (winks to Rust)
Carrot: Tell me what you told me just now.
Rust: What did we tell you, Cap… Hamlet?
Carrot: About the ghost you saw last night.
Downey: (makes a face) Yeah, ghost… Oh, the GHOST!… Yeah… It was dark and I couldn't see it good enough, but I heard it moaning and I thought it must be some ghost, because…
Leonard: Lord Downey, don't divert.
Downey: All right. Well, the ghost was over here, and he saw us and said me 'Go find my son, idiot, otherwise I'll come to you house and inhabit there for the rest of your life. Jack ass…' That's what he said. And he was looking just like you.
Rust: Yes, this is what really happened, Carr… I mean Hamlet.
Carrot: (looks at Leonard) What do I have to say now?
Leonard: (sighs and sits in a chair in the empty audience hall) Whatever you want, Carrot. Just go on.
Carrot: All right. Where is that ghost? Let me see… (draws a notebook from his pocket) Infringement of the human rights, threat to break into a private lodging, illegal inhabiting of somebody else's home…'
Rust and Downey exeunt.
Samuel Vimes: Don't forget to say threat to thrash Downey within an inch of his life.
Carrot: (hides the notebook) Hallo, Comman… Uhum… dead father.
Vimes: Hallo, live son. What's up?
Carrot: Well, you know, we have to change the shift schedule again, and the boys say… (looks at Vimes) Oh, you mean… (coughs) Dear father, I am glad to see you are feeli… uhum… here…
Vimes: (rounds his eyes and sighs) Your uncle and my evil brother pumped me off. Revenge me.
Carrot: Did you see what happened? (draws back the notebook) Were there any witnesses?
Vimes: Yeah, son, of course I saw what happened, I was there after all.
Carrot: How could you describe the man taken your life?
Vimes: As evil bustard, that's how. Now you have to kill him and I will rest in peace.
Carrot: I don't think I could do such things, sir. After all I am a representative of the official authorities in the ci…
Leonard: Carrot, this is just for fun, you are an actor. This is not really happening.
Carrot: (sighs) All right. Now, father, I have to kill my uncle and I will, but I have to do it the way that will not convince me into a real crime. What to do? What to do?
Vimes: It would be better if you pretend to be a lunatic.
Carrot: Do you think this will help?
Vimes: You could give a try.
Carrot: Why not? Why not, indeed…?
Vimes: (turns to Leonard) Are we finished? I really have to pee.
Leonard: (sighs) Yes, commander. You are free to go.
Vimes exits.
Fred Collon enters.
Fred Collon: Hallo, dear friend Hamlet. What's up?
Carrot: Oh, dear Horatio, I have just found out that my father had been killed by my uncle.
Fred: Nothing new, lad. All the palace talks about it for a month.
Carrot: Really?
Fred: Yeah, really. And I've just heard you met the Ghost…
Carrot: Who told you that?
Fred: Rust and Downey are such perts…
Carrot: I see… Now, dear Fre… Horatio, I have to pretend of been mad and kill my uncle and then to kill my self.
Fred: What for, kid?
Carrot: Because I couldn't stand the shame been called a murderer.
Fred: Come on, lad. Relax, who's gonna call you a murderer if you are crazy bird? Come on, no one would dare. You know what people say about this kind of stuff. Let me explain you the procedure…
They both exit.
The stage-shifters come to bring some walls and a bench. Leonardo slaps his hands. The actors come in. Lord Vetinari and Lady Cybil come in first, following by Drumknott and Nobby.
Lord Vetinari: Where is your son, dear Gertrude?
Lady Cybil: He must be somewhere around, Claudius. As always. Getting into mischief all the time. As his father, gods bless his soul. So happy I married you, my dear husband.
Sam Vimes: (from behind the flats) Uhum…
Cybil: All right, Sam, this is just for the show.
Vetinari: You don't have to be worried, sir Samuel, your wife is safe with me.
Leonard: Can we continue now? (sighs) Nobby, now is your turn.
Nobby Nobbs: What to say now?
Leonard: You are leaving the city to…
Nobby: Yeah, right, I'm leaving this place. Father (turns to Drumknott) give me some cash.
Drumknott: I am not giving you even a penny, young man. What you earn is what you spend.
Nobby: Come on, old man, cash.
Drumknott: No, I said already, not…
Angua comes.
Drumknott: Here is your sister.
Nobby: Sister, give me some cash. I'm leaving.
Angua: Don't you have enough from the common money-box, Nobby… I mean, Laert?
Nobby: Who? Me?
Angua giggles. Drumknott smiles.
Carrot is entering the stage. Fred follows.
Carrot: I am mad. Absolutely mad. Hallo, Ofelia, how are you? Go to the monastery!
Angua: Go to the monastery yourself.
Vetinari: (turns to Cybil) Your son is totally insane. We have to put him into the mental home.
Cybil: He is mad? He? Look at me, I'm as mad as a dog. Marrying my husband's brother.
Vetinari: That must be some sort of a family demerit. Drumknott?
Drumknott: Yes, My lord?
Vetinari: Would you arrange a meeting with the local psychologist tomorrow morning? I would like him to check the mental status of everyone here.
Drumknott: (writes in his notebook) Yes, milord.
Vetinari: Now let us say fair-well to our friend Laert here. Bon voyage, sir.
Drumknott: And write, you drummer.
Nobby: Yea, right. Don't give me cash and already kick out on the street. What a family, eh?
Nobby leaves.
Carrot: I'm going to kill someone soon.
Fred: Don't say that, pal. They all know what will happen, we all read the script.
Carrot: Well, if they know, then we don't have to hide it, right?
Cybil: What does my little boy do?
Carrot: I'm planning to kill my uncle, mother.
Cybil: Good for you. Now, I have to go to feed my dragons, but soon I'll be back… Oh, I like that. (lowers her voice, Terminator-like and pronounces) I'll Be Back…
Everyone leave, except Carrot (hiding behind the golden throne of Ankh), Vetinari (sitting behind his desk) and Drumknott (standing at his front)
Vetinari: Drumknott…
Leonard: His name is Polonius, sir.
Vetinari: No, his name is Drumknott.
Leonard: In the play his name is Polonius.
Vetinari: (rounding his eyes) All right. Now, Polonius, what are the last reports from the agents?
Drumknott: The Klatch emperor went to the bath, sir.
Vetinari: Really? Spring already? Well, how fast the time runs…
Drumknott: The delegation from Whatanicefiord will visit us next week, sir. Not as it was planned for…
Vetinari: I believe we have to interrupt our little assembly, Polonius. I suspect we are been eavesdropped.
Drumknott: If you say so, sir.
Vetinari: I'll go to the Oblong office for now. But you could stay here to see what happens and who the subject is. Report in an hour.
Drumknott: Yes, sir.
Vetinari leaves. Drumknott hides behind a hanging. Carrot exits from the throne.
Carrot: 'I'm going to kill some one. I'm going to kill someone.
Cybil enters.
Cybil: What are you doing here, son?
Carrot: I'm going to kill someone.
Cybil: All right, son, but don't waist your suit, it's very hard to wash the blood from the silk.
Carrot: Yes, mother. Oh, there is someone behind the hanging. I'm going to kill someone standing there, mother.
Carrot pulls out an artificial sword and stabs the hanging. Drumknott moans and drops dead.
Cybil: Well done, son. Nice job.
Carrot: I killed a man, mother.
Cybil: Good job. Very good job. So proud with you.
Carrot: What am I going to do now? I'll have to arrest myself.
Carrot draws off the handcuffs from his belt. Gives it to Cybil.
Carrot: Mother, could you lock the handcuffs?
Cybil: You don't have to do this, young man.
Carrot: But I killed a man and I have to answer for my actions.
Leonard: Carrot, please, you actually didn't kill anyone. This is just acting.
Drumknott lifts his head.
Drumknott: You don't have to do this, sir. I am not dead, I am just pretending to be dead.
Carrot: Well… then, I am leaving to Quirm.
Cybil: Yes, dear, go to Quirm. Bring me some flowers from the flower watch there.
Carrot leaves. Cybil leaves. Drumknott creeps away.
Vetinari comes with Rust and Downey.
Vetinari: Give this to the mayor of Quirm.
Downey: Yes, sir.
Rust: What is this?
Vetinari: A contract for his head, gentlemen.
Downey: For Carrot's head?
Vetinari: No, Guildenstern. For Hamlet's head.
Rust and Downey nod and exit.
Vetinari: Let's see what the guild of Assassins could do in Quirm. Now I leave.
Vetinari leaves.
Angua comes.
Angua: Oh, I'm so unhappy. I'm going to drown myself.
Cybil comes.
Cybil: Ofelia, little flower, what are you doing?
Angua: I'm planning to drown myself.
Cybil: Oh, good, dear. Why?
Angua: Because my father is dead and I want to kill someone, but he is not here, so I will go drown myself.
Cybil: Well done, my dear. Good decision. I'll send you some flowers for the funeral.
Angua: Thank you in advance.
Angua leaves. Cybil leaves.
Carrot and Fred enter.
Fred: And how crafty you slipped from their hands, sir. And let them rot in the boat. With the wrong contract. Good job, my prince.
Carrot: I really pity them, Horatio. They have to die because of me.
Fred: But they chose which side to go, sir. And as I see, they chose the wrong side.
Carrot: What is this?
A funeral procession enters. All the heroes are there, including Drumknott, whispering something in Vetinari's ear.
Cybil: Dear child! How could she drown with these clothes? Yellow really doesn't suite her.
Vetinari: Well, what can I say? Rest in peace, poor child.
Nobby: Poor sister I lost! Poor father I lost. Poor me I lo… I mea poor me…
Angua: (raising from her coffin) If you ever try to pick up my pockets again, Nobby, there will be a real funeral soon. But not mine.
Carrot: What is this?
Cybil: Our dearest Ofelia drowned in the pond, son.
Carrot: Really? Is she going to be better?
Cybil: (winks) She is dead, Hamlet.
Nobby: And it's all you fault, bustard.
Carrot: Really? So, I killed her too?
Cybil: Not exactly, dear. She drowned because she was unhappy. And her father died. And she was all alone. And because you said she should go to the monastery. Actually… Yes, you killed her.
Carrot: I'm going to kill myself.
Vetinari: You don't have to. Better to organize a little duel between you and our own Laert here. Much spectacular and interesting. And if you die as a result we will be very happy.
Carrot: Yes, I agree.
Nobby: But I… I don't want to fight with Carrot. (turns to Vetinari) Please don't make me fight with Carrot.
Vetinari: It's already decided, young… man. The duel will be this afternoon. (leans to Nobby's ear, whispering) But I will teach you how to defeat him.
Nobby: Do I really have to… (looks at Vetinari) All right, I have to…
Everyone exits.
Leonard: That was good. Now the final act.
Everyone come in, including the 'dead' Downey and Rust.
Vetinari comes near to Nobby.
Vetinari: Grease your blade with this poison. When you stab your opponent he will die very fast.
Nobby nods. Vetinari puts some drops into the glass of wine he holds. The liquid colours in black.
Carrot: Now, let us fight. Defend yourself, Laert.
Nobby: I won't fight with you, sir.
Escapes his attacks. Runs through the hall, chased by Carrot.
Carrot: We have to fight, Nobby. That is in the script.
Nobby: No way.
Carrot: (puffs and pains) Come on, Nobby, don't run so fast. I got tired. You are too fast.
Vetinari: (squeezing his eyes) Would you like to drink from my wine, son?
Cybil: I'll drink it. I'm so thirsty, husband.
Vimes: (behind the wings) Uhum…
Cybil: This is just for fun, Sam.
Cybil drinks.
Nobby: Catch me if you can.
Nobby slips and Carrot falls over him. They change their weapons. Carrot stabs Nobby with the artificial sword.
Nobby: Oops, you got me. Now is my turn.
Nobby take it away and stab him too. Nobby falls in his hands, exhaling with difficulty.
Nobby: I'm dying, Carrot. It's all Vetinari's fault.
Nobby closes his eyes and pretend to faint away. Carrot stands, coming closer to Vetinari. Cybil fails.
Cybil: I am dying, son. Forgive me.
Carrot crosses her and stares at Vetinari.
Carrot: I am going to kill someone and it will be soon.
Vetinari: I doubt it would be me.
Carrot: Really?
Vetinari: You know how much my head costs. Do you have the money in your pocket?
Carrot: Umm… no.
Vetinari: Then, how could you kill me if you have to answer in front of the Assassin's guild for that, young man?
Downey: (nodding) He is right, Captain. You know his prise. You can't kill him now.
Carrot: (turning to Leonard) Was I supposed to kill the king now?
Leonard: Actually, yes. (turns to Vetinari and Downey) Gentlemen, this is theatre, in this scene Hamlet (which is Carrot) has to kill the King (which is you, milord)…
Downey: Do you have his contract in your pocket?
Leonard: That is not important now.
Downey: It is, actually.
Leonard: (sighs) All right, what do you think we should do now?
Vetinari: It is defiantly clear Mr. Hamlet is doomed, he is been poisoned and supposed to die.
Carrot: Really? (Turning to Leonard) Well, if I have to then I have to. (moans, kicks with his feet and fails) I am dying, Horatio, tell everyone about my fate.
Fred holds him on the ground. Carrot 'dies'.
Vetinari: Good. Now we have to get rid of all the witnesses and rule the country.
Fred: But, sir, you are not supposed to be alive.
Vetinari: Really? Are you sure, sergeant?
Fred: Umm… Actually I am Horatio, sir.
Vetinari: No, you are not Horatio and you are a witness. Sergeant…
Fred swallows hard.
Fred: (swallows hard again, stands up and looks around) Where is that artificial poisoned sword? Ah, here you are.
The rest of the standing people content to drink from the poisoned glass or to stab themselves with the poisoned sword and fall.
Vetinari stands alone, watching them all pretending to die with covered satisfaction.
71 hours Ahmed comes in.
71 hours Ahmed: What happens here? What is that blood around? (looks at Vetinari) And why the disc aren't you dead?
Vetinari: Because I am not supposed to be dead. Someone have to take care of the country.
71 hours Ahmed: Wasn't I suppose to do that? (turns to Leonard) Wasn't I supposed to do that?
Leonard: (sighs) Do whatever you want. It's obvious that play was total disaster.
71 hours Ahmed: All right, I don't like this vile city anyway. So long, suckers! Commander, want a beer?
Vimes: (sighs) I don't drink, remember?
71 hours Ahmed exits. Vetinari stands at the centre of the stage.
Vetinari: To be or not to be… (looks at the bodies in his feet) … dead?
Everyone creeps away from the stage to the places supposed to be the hell or the heaven, separating into two different directions.
Vetinari: (exiting) Not to be… (from behind the stage) Drumknott?
Drumknott: (from below) Yes, sir?
Vetinari: In the Oblong office in ten minutes.
Drumknott: Yes, sir.
Vetinari: And clean yourself properly. That smell is awful.
Leonard: I must kill myself soon, otherwise I will get mad. Not if I am not…
The curtains fall.
END