"Oh, it's just a little smoke…..stop being so dramatic" the Doctor berated Clara as they stumbled out of the TARDIS, a cloud of black smoke following them. "Give it an hour or so and the TARDIS will have filtered the air just fine."
Clara coughed roughly for half a minute before she looked up at him with streaming eyes. "Well, for us humans that actually have to breathe, that was a lot of smoke" Clara said, wiping her smoke reddened eyes and glaring at him.
"It's not my fault the microwave malfunctioned. Always knew I couldn't trust those machines" the Doctor said knowingly.
Clara scowled at the Doctor. "They tend to do that when you put metal in them" she said in a deadpan voice. "What did you think would happen?"
The Doctor paused a long moment. "Well…it was an experiment" he said, pouting slightly.
Clara folded her arms and looked around the hallway they were in. It appeared they had hastily landed in a dorm hallway. "Well, since it's going to be an hour, I guess we might as well walk around and see what we can get in to" she said, "No point in standing around."
Clara walked down the hallway, not waiting a response. She was surprised when the Doctor stopped sulking and began to follow her. Clara followed the sound of voices down the hallway to the last door at the end of the hallway, pushing it open and hoping for once they could get involved in something that wasn't life threatening.
For once, Clara got her wish.
"I am special. I am loved. I deserve to be loved" a whole room of people happily chanted. Dozens of young people sat on the floor crossed legged on mats and blankets, eyes closed as if they were in the middle of yoga or a mediation. A man stood at the front of the room, leading the affirmations, a wide smile on his face.
"I deserve affection. Others deserve affection. I will always give my best. I will expect everyone's best"
Clara smiled at the scene in front of her that for once wasn't people trying to blow up or shoot each other. The Doctor on the other hand, rolled his eyes so heavily Clara swore she could hear him. "Oh, great. Hippies…just what we need." The Doctor said skeptically.
"You're the one to talk" Clara said, gesturing to his mismatched, rumpled clothes. "I think it's nice. At least someone in the universe can still be nice"
"Yeah, it's all very 'nice'" The Doctor said as if it wasn't nice at all. "Let's get out of her before someone notices we are here"
The Doctor tried to push his way out of the door but that moment the leader of the group finally noticed them standing there. "Ah, new comers. Come in, come in….you're just in time"
The man in front was a bit older than the others in the group but not by much. He had a warm, calm face, clothes that Clara thought mirrored the Doctor's a lot and very hippie like dreadlocks. As he approached them the Doctor's face drew into a grimace as if the man was a dangerous alien rather than a kind stranger. "We were just leaving. Come on Clara" the Doctor said in a panicked voice. He tried to take Clara's hand and scramble out the door but she pulled away, in no hurry to leave; she wanted to see where this would lead.
"In time for what?" Clara asked, excitement shinning in her eyes as she looked at the Doctor's panic stricken face.
"We've just done our affirmations, shame you missed that but there's always next time" the man smiled. "Now it's time for the cuddling"
Clara watched the Doctor's face turn white as a ghost. "Hear that, Doctor? We are in time for the cuddling" she said, trying not to laugh at him. She shouldn't have taken so much pleasure at his panic but it was too funny not to.
"Cuddling? No, I don't do that" the Doctor said distastefully as if it was something dirty.
"I can assure it's all consensual" the man said at the Doctor's discomfort. "Just cuddling, just comfort. That's all humans really want is connection with another person. It's nice to get away from the demands of the world and just be held, you know?"
The Doctor looked like he was in pain. "Well, good for me I'm not human then, isn't it?" he said.
The man didn't take him seriously. Studying him carefully, he said, "Someone hurt you pretty bad to make you so afraid of affection, didn't they?" he asked knowingly.
Clara looked toward the Doctor, eager to see his response to this stranger seemingly opening up his many layers having instantly met him. And honestly, she was eager to know really what was the deal with the no hugging and the 'it's only a way to hide your face'.
"No" the Doctor said in a clipped tone, glaring at the man. Clara could tell that he didn't believe the Doctor but knew better than to press the issue.
"Well, this is a safe place. Feel free to come in and participate if you want" the man said with a smile before returning to the group. Calm music was beginning to play on a radio and everyone was hugging or hand holding or spooning in the blankets and mats. Clara thought it was so refreshing for a change.
"We definitely aren't going to be participating" the Doctor said toward the stranger but he was already gone. When the Doctor looked at Clara, she was already throwing off her coat and taking off her shoes. "What do you think you're doing?" he asked as if Clara had suddenly lost her mind.
"I know you can run endlessly with no physical contact but I for one would love some cuddling" Clara said. "It's been quite a while and humans in fact do need it"
Before she could listen to the Doctor spout off a monologue on all things wrong with cuddling, Clara got down on the floor with the group and became happily sandwiched between a man and a woman, introducing herself from the middle of the sandwich and growing to know them well for the hour it too for the TARDIS to repair.
…
When they finally returned to the TARDIS, it still smelled burnt on the inside but the air was clean and the Doctor looked so bothered that Clara knew better than to even make a joke about it. She'd had a pleasant time at the party; it was quite nice getting to know someone while they held you in their arms. Warm bodies, beating hearts….connection with complete strangers and it made feel Clara feel alive in a completely different way than running from aliens did. The Doctor didn't share her sentiment; he had stayed because she did but he didn't like it. He paced around, looking nervous and anxious; anytime someone tried to touch him, he'd let them get within an inch of him and then he'd pull away or swat at them. Luckily, everyone seemed to take it well and eventually the Doctor just sat in a corner and sulked, watching them all.
Right now he was pacing again, walking around the console with his hand tracing the buttons with one hand, his other hand at his lips nibbling his nails. Clara could tell he was bothered by the whole thing but she had tried to talk to him on the walk back and hadn't gotten far. She thought now maybe the best course of action was just to leave him alone.
"I guess I'm going to head off to bed" Clara said somewhat awkwardly as she lingered toward the hallway. The Doctor didn't say anything and Clara was halfway down the hallway when she heard him finally break his silence behind her.
"Wait!"
Clara turned around and walked toward the console room, surprised to see the Doctor facing her, an intense stare fixed on her.
"Yes?" she asked when he didn't elaborate.
"Clara…..about tonight…."the Doctor said. He looked confused and he was beginning to ring his hands, a sure sign he was nervous. It was also a sure sign he was about to say something that made him uncomfortable, mainly anything about his feelings.
"What about tonight?" Clara asked, prodding him gently when he got stuck. She didn't rush him even though she was dying to know what he was about to say.
"The party…the cuddling….that was awful!" the Doctor said, frowning at her as if the whole thing had been her idea.
"Well, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it" Clara said slowly, "but it was just supposed to be good, honest fun."
"That's not what I mean, can't you see!?" the Doctor said, gesturing wildly. Clara didn't see and by the look on the Doctor's face she wondered if he did either.
"No I can't see" Clara said, trying to walk him through it like she had slowly discovered she had to with him. "What do you mean, Doctor?"
"The cuddling, the touching…..all of it" the Doctor said, "All those people wanting to touch me and I couldn't….I couldn't but I tried."
Clara took a minuet to process it. It hadn't looked much to her like the Doctor had tried but maybe for him just staying in the room was progress. "All of those strangers wanted to touch you and you didn't want to because you don't like being touched" Clara said, hoping she had gotten it right.
"Yes…no" the Doctor said. "I didn't want them to touch me because…because…..well, what I mean to say is…."
"What do you mean to say?" Clara prodded when the Doctor's face turned red and he seemed to struggle with what to say.
"I want to go to bed with you!" the Doctor burst out like an explosion and then seemed to instantly regret what he had said.
"What?" Clara asked, her voice coming out shrill at the unexpected outburst. Surely, surely, the Doctor had to mean something other than what it sounded like.
"Oh, of course I don't mean sex" the Doctor said exasperatedly, as if it was a ridiculous notion. Clara tried not to be offended.
"Of course not" Clara said, scowling at him slightly. "What do you mean then?"
The Doctor paused, gathering his thoughts. "I did try to touch those people" the Doctor explained. "You were doing it and I thought maybe it wasn't so bad. But I didn't want any of them…I wanted you. I wanted to touch you!"
Clara felt her cheeks turn red at the statement and a smile begin to turn on her lips. She couldn't believe what he was suggesting; even less could she believe he was admitting it. "Why didn't you then?" she asked curiously. As much fun as it was with strangers it would undoubtedly be better cuddling with the Doctor, the man who hadn't wanted to so much as hug her since he got a new face.
The Doctor looked at his face and shuffled around, trying to look not embarrassed but he gave himself away with his fidgeting. "I didn't want to with all those people around" the Doctor said sulkily. "That's why….I'm asking now. I'd like to try…..if you want to"
Clara smiled widely; she couldn't help it. It was so cute and innocent and he was so worried she'd say no. He had no reason to fear. "I want to try it too, Doctor" she said, walking closer to him.
The Doctor smiled nervously, still shuffling around. "How….how….what do we do first?" he asked.
Clara grinned at him. He might have been the same man but he definitely lost something in the translation when he regenerated because he genuinely didn't know how to cuddle anymore.
Clara took the Doctor's hand gently in her own and looked up at him. "We just go with it; take it one step at a time"
Clara walked down the hallway toward her bedroom and the Doctor let her lead him. Clara felt a nervous twisting in her stomach and she tried to figure out why. With anyone else, cuddling wouldn't be that big of a deal; with the Doctor it was a big deal.
When Clara walked into her bedroom she felt the Doctor's presence behind her like an elephant in the room. It was just cuddling so why did it feel so significant? Because the Doctor wanted it, that's why. For so long, ever since his regeneration, the Doctor had pushed her away and she had pushed him away. This was them slowly coming together.
"I'm…..uh…going to go get dressed for bed" Clara said uncomfortably. "If you want to…..lay down…..get comfortable…go right ahead"
The Doctor nodded, looking out of his element and Clara felt a bit so herself. It was really ridiculous; a bit of cuddling and spooning with the Doctor and she was more nervous than when she'd actually had sex with other people. Maybe that spoke deeply of how much she felt for the Doctor but she didn't analyze it too much.
Clara walked over to her drawers and over analyzed over what pair to wear. She normally would just throw on some sweatpants and a tank top but tonight she dug through her clothes to find her overly nice silky pair she never wore. She shuffled into the bathroom to change, quickly, before she overstressed about what she was doing.
When Clara emerged from the bathroom she was glad to see the Doctor had taken the initiative and was already in bed; in fact, he was under the covers. He was wearing just his t-shirt and (Clara hoped, under the covers) his trousers. His shoes and jacket and hoodie lay in a pile on the floor and Clara had to grin; well, he was definitely all in.
"Wow, you look comfy" Clara remarked. "Under the covers and everything"
The Doctor's relaxed face fell. "Was I not supposed to get under the covers?" he asked nervously.
Clara laughed. "No, of course its fine" she said. "I like your enthusiasm"
Clara watched the Doctor's face relax and he fell back against the pillow as she walked to the free side of her bed. Seeing the Doctor in her bed was so strange; he had never even been in her bedroom before. Swallowing back her nerves, Clara pulled the covers back and crawled into bed next to the Doctor. Not quite knowing what to do first, she found herself staring up at the ceiling, frozen on her back. She could sense the Doctor beside her, doing the same; he was so still Clara wasn't even sure he was breathing.
"Well….uh…you can lay against me. If you want to…" Clara finally said, finding her voice. She thought maybe it would be easier for the Doctor, so unaccustomed to touch, to let her touch him than be the one to initiate it.
One second he was lying next to her silently, the next she was being smothered by six feet of time lord. The Doctor's arms were around her, his entire upper body crushing her chest, his long legs looped around hers at an awkward angle and…well, he definitely wasn't wearing trousers, just his t-shirt and pants. At least he was enthusiastic….
After several minutes of attempting to breath under the Doctor, Clara said, "Doctor, can I try holding you from behind?" she said with a cheery tone. This was so not his forte that Clara didn't want to scare him off.
Clara was relieved when he slowly slid off of her. "Sure…you're the uh…teacher…..right?" he said a bit awkwardly.
Clara smiled against the Doctor's back as he turned around. "Suppose I am" she said, satisfied at the comparison.
Clara wrapped her arms around the Doctor, laying her head in the crook of his neck and settling down. It was a bit awkward spooning the Doctor since he was so much taller than her but after she settled into a comfortable spot she found it was really very nice. His skin was soft against her cheek, she could feel his two hearts beating under the hands she had on his chest; it was nice.
Well, for about 30 seconds…
Relaxing against her chest, the Doctor's upper half was still but his bottom half was anything but still. His legs would not stay still for more than two seconds before they would move positions, forcefully kicking her each time.
"Doctor…..something wrong with your legs?" Clara asked in a neutral voice, swallowing back the pain as he kicked her hard again.
"No. Why do you ask?" the Doctor asked as he continued to fidget.
"Just making sure" Clara said dismissively. Most likely the Doctor didn't even realize that he was moving a lot. Probably with as much as constant running as he did, it was impossible for him to stay still for any length of time.
"How about I lay against you" Clara suggested after she had endured being kicked for several minutes.
"Okay" the Doctor agreed easily, turning over toward Clara as she turned her back toward him. A moment later the Doctor had wrapped his arms around Clara's chest and pulled her toward him with crushing force. Her back collided with his chest and his arms had a vice grip painfully around her breasts. With tears in the corners of her eyes, Clara tried to gently move his arms down but he didn't take the hint and she certainly wasn't going to tell him what he was so painfully hurting.
Clara managed to turn around towards the Doctor with some struggle and sighed as the pressure was released off of her. She came face to face with the Doctor who was smiling at her so contently that she took pause. His face was relaxed, his lips turned into a smile, his eyes boring into her own. He gently raised a hand and let his finger touch her cheek, running a path from the top of her cheek to her chin. When she realized that his fingers were shaking, it only made Clara smile more.
This, this was it; finally Clara could relax and bask in the unreality of actually touching the Doctor in affection and letting him touch her. With just as tentative a hand, Clara reached up and ran her fingers through the Doctor's hair. She had become quite acquainted with the way his hair felt when he was the last version of himself but ever since he had changed, such gentle and kind touches weren't allowed. Now, Clara found that though his hair was grey and curly instead of brown and straight, it felt just as soft and smooth against her skin as it always had.
"How…how do you feel?" the Doctor asked hesitantly in the quiet of the dimmed bedroom. It was obvious by his voice that he feared the answer but he asked it nonetheless because he had to know.
How Clara felt was warm and safe and content in a way that she hadn't known for a long time. Being with the Doctor was always good and amazing and unlike being with anyone else. But even she knew that something had been missing and this was it; Clara was strong but even she had suffered from the loss of feeling safe and protected in the Doctor's arms.
"I feel absolutely perfect" Clara said, closing her eyes and smiling as she relaxed against the Doctor.
With her eyes closed she felt the press of the Doctor's forehead against her own as he spoke. "There is finally something we can agree on; so do I."
The idea for this story came from seeing a news article somewhere that said in some places people actually get together to have 'cuddle parties', simply strangers getting together to just cuddle. I thought it was really cute and made me think about how uncomfortable the Doctor would be in such a situation. Hope you liked it :)