Title: No Comfort in Death
Summary: Dean's trip to Heaven felt him rather dissatisfied about the afterlife. Oneshot. Set sometime after Dark Side of the Moon.
Standard Disclaimer: I only own my imagination, but it kinda gets away from me at times.
A/N: Uh, spoilers for Dark Side of the Moon. *shrugs* I would have made this set during the sixth season (not that it would really matter), but I'm in the process of dealing with roommate issues, and (even though it's my tv) I haven't been able to watch any of the shows I usually watch. So I've only gotten caught up to You Can't Handle The Truth. *pities self* Anyway, I hope ya enjoy it!
All his life, death was a constant.
His mother, who stared it all; who'd given up her sons' future just so they could exist. Nameless victims that became permanent fixtures of his mind. Evil creatures and beings that haunted normal people's dreams, but were his reality. Fellow hunters throughout the years who either swallowed their own gun or fell prey to the things they sought to kill. His father; the man who twisted his life into a blissfully ignorance of just evil killing. His little brother; the man who defied everything their father built in his mind, and complicated everything. Ash, Ellen, Jo, Pamela, countless friends cut down because they had the misfortune of wanting to help the Winchesters. His own death; his trip to Hell. His own death, again, along with Sammy by the hands of fellow hunters. The second death that wasn't forgotten when he returned. The death that sent him to Heaven.
He knew that death was part of life. To Dean, it felt as though it was a shadow that haunted his steps. Increasing its frequency the longer his life continued. Taking more lives, but prolonging his own.
At least in the past he could die for his family, dying to save others. Now he barely had a family anymore, and death was no longer a comfort.
He'd already gone to Hell, and he wasn't interested in going back.
Heaven was its own hell. When he'd die, all he would be was memories. He knew he would be ignorant to the fact that he was merely reliving old memories, but it felt like a waste. He'd lived, fought, and sacrificed everything, only to be rewarded with an eternity of reliving past experiences. An eternity of living alone with a bunch of lies.
He would never see his mom-every time he thought he was going to die, the thought of being with his mom comforted him-his dad, Sam, Lisa, Ben, Ellen, Jo, Ash, Pamela; the list goes on. Restrained and locked down to an old home movie that constantly replayed itself as if it were the first time.
It almost made him regret his life. All the shit he went through felt like a waste, if he was just going to end up reliving a handful of happy memories. Maybe he should have been more like Sam. At least his Heaven wouldn't be as short lived as his. If he had known this was the time to make yourself happy, he would have done so long ago.
It didn't comfort him to know that Sam would never meet their mom. At least he had a few memories of her, but Sam would never know her. Not that he would be in Sam's Heaven either.
The fact was, with the mystery of death gone, Dean had no comfort in the danger of his job. He couldn't rely on the thought of a better end after this.
He now feared death.
A/N: Uh, not sure why I decided to write this. After this episode aired, my mom was rather upset with their idea of Heaven. She found it depressing and lonely, to just relive your memories but to never see those you love again. Even the soulmates didn't make her feel better since she reasoned that she would never see my siblings and I again. And this aired like 6 months after my grandma died, so she was definitely not having any of it. Which I generally agree with, and I felt like Dean felt the same way. Though Pamela seemed to be in utter bliss.
*shrugs* I guess that's it. I'm gonna go...uh, I'm just gonna go. Let me know what you think!