Hi everyone ! This is my first fic about Shameless, and I'm mostly doing it because I'm a Gallavich fan (not for long but quite obsessive xD) and like a lot of fans I'm very disappointed by what happened at the end of season 5. As season 6 clearly isn't going to improve that, I chose to pray for season 7 and fight my loosing-Gallavich depressive mood by writing this.
So this is set just after season 5 finale : )
Disclaimer : All characters except Professor Connelly were created by Paul Abbott for Shameless UK or John Wells fo the US version, so they don't belong to me. I would love to earn money writing silly fluffy stuff like this but the big bad world isn't working like that, sadly... ^^
One last thing : I have a problem with layout, if you know how to make a double line space between paragraphs... I will pray Odin, Amaterasu, Ganesh and Quetzalcoatl for you *_*. That's why I put little points to make some spaces so the reading is better : ) .This is also the first time I write a fanfic in English, as I am French, so really if you find mistakes, again don't hesitate to message me or write a review, even if you say nothing else. I would be very thankful to you, as it is my only way to improve !
So enjoy and I wish you will like it ; ) !
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/Believe me, believe me
I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love
And I'm chained at your side
We are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield/
-.-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-.-
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Professor Connelly sighed when reading the name on the file.
Ian Gallagher.
Probably one of the worst patient she has had in her whole career. The boy wasn't exactly naughty or anything, his case was just disturbing. Frustrating. Disheartening.
How could such a young boy be so lifeless ? First time she read his history on the file she couldn't believe it. Few years ago he was a resourceful teenager, managing school, ROTC and a job at Kash&Grab, helping his family, making plans for the future… And now it was five months since the beginning of the treatment, he didn't show highs and lows anymore so they knew it had some effect, but he was just an empty body. Ian Gallagher didn't seem to feel anything, to be interested in anything, to even want anything.
Ian Gallagher was broken.
.
The corridor was infinite. At least he didn't seem to be moving forward, it was miles and miles of white and detergent green, with all these people looking exatly the same with their lab coat.
The third of the Gallagher children wasn't aware of it, but this cold morning he had exactly the same look than the one described by a certain dark-haired guy with an obvious skill for curses, almost a year before. The freaking alien skin was pale as the one of a ghost, contrasting worryingly with his freckles. The eyes were green but they had stop sparkling for long now.
It was this look that Pr. Connelly saw from the end of the corridor, waiting patiently for her patient to end his long way to the doctor's office.
- I asked for him not being sedated for our interview, she reprimanded the nurse when seeing him closer.
- Sure professor, and we did just like you ordered, answered the nurse rolling her eyes.
Holy shit. Precisely what she was afraid of : the redhead wasn't feeling better, he was still the same discouraging ghost. It was going to be an entertaining talk, no doubt !
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The doctor opened the door and let Ian enter the room first, before coming after him and closing the door.
- Hi Ian, you can sit down. I'm professor Connelly, we met some months ago at your entrance at the clinic, I don't know if you remember it…
The guy agreed with a small head sign.
- Ok, the woman continued. So well, I'm gonna ask you some really easy questions just to, hum, start, right ? Please only tell me your name, your age, the reason you're in this clinic, and when did you come here.
- Ian Gallagher, 19, here cause I'm fucking nuts and cause it's forbidden to get drunk when having your shitty treatment…
- Here because you're bipolar and because you made what everybody else had seen as a suicide attempt, by drinking way too much when you perfectly knew that you were under treatment and that it was more than dangerous. And you didn't answer to my last question, she finally noticed. How long have you been here ?
- 'Don't give a shit about it…
- Well, you've been here for five months. At the clinic we don't have the right to keep you more than six months. After this amount of time you'll have to go on a specialized center for long-time treatment, or to come back to your home or the home of someone who will take care of you. You seem to react positively to the medicine so we're searching where would be the better place for you to live. As you can guess, it's not really an easy task, as the only people on your relatives who don't have a criminal record are a fifteen years old girl, a baby and a person who is also suffering from bipolar disorder…
The blond fortysomething doctor checked her papers during her speech. For God's sake, what the hell was this family ? She has had very few patients from the Southside, as the clinic wasn't the closest from the neighborhood, but each time there were impossible stories… Although this one sure was the golden one : five children educated by a brave young woman (who was eventually put in jail because the baby almost died of an overdose !), while having an alcoholic father and an irresponsible and mentaly-ill mother… And yet they were all alive, safe and sound !
- You don't have any idea of what you're talking about, said the boy angrily with a disgusted wince. (Well, he couldn't know how much he was right, thought the doctor). They all had problems with cops but they never abandoned our family. So please, just shut up cause our family may not be the perfect looking one, but it still is my fucking loving family.
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The room suddenly went silent. At the other side of the table, Professor Connelly was feeling dumb for one of the longest moment of her life. She wrote something just to give her some poise, adjusted her notes and tried to focus on the next step of the interview. At least, the patient was reacting, it wasn't so bad…
- Hum, yeah, I'm sorry Ian, you're right of course, I haven't any right to judge you… Please forgive me for this. Now please, let's move on. I'm gonna show you pictures of some relatives of yours and I would like you to tell me their names, their link to you and everything that you may remember about them, ok ? Let's just start, here it is.
She showed the picture of a young, gracious woman with brown wild hair. She had golden earrings and a kind of unsure smile on her face.
- It's my older sister, the one who raised me, he said without a doubt. She's the one who gave me strenght and motivation when I had all these things, she's the one who taught me what was right, what was wrong, and all the amount of things that were in between, as she used to say. She always had hope, she was so brave…
A tiny smile blew up on his face while he was remembering his sister. But the doctor pursed her lips before saying softly :
- You didn't tell me her name.
- Oh yeah, that's right ! That's my daughter Debbie.
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Professor Connelly opened her eyes too strongly because of the shock. His sister Debbie… Debbie was fifteen… She quickly threw an other picture in front of him.
- Yeah, I know him too. He's one of my childhood friend, Ian answered, looking at the young guy with curled hair and mocking eyes. Wait… No, he's my brother in fact. He's my brother, his name's Lip. He made the army you know, actually he did it instead of me because I couldn't do it. Before he was a newspaper seller, it was the kind of newspaper with well… cool stuff in it, you know… naked parts of bodies and everything… He was great fun, although it's quite difficult to make him bleed when you fight with him…
He was smiling again. The boy sure loved his family, she thought, but he was so not-interested in anything that he didn't have the willing to gather elements in the good order anymore. The drugs weren't suppose to do that effect. It had to be something else, but what ?
She tried with the picture of a man with a jean jacket, a red old bonnet and some beard on his face. Sadly, the result was below all that she expected.
- I guess it's Frank, he's the bartender at the Alibi so you're always sure to find him there. He's got some relation with my family, but to be honest with you, I can't remember it clearly… Oh, but he's with a black woman, a very sexy one and they have a sweet baby, he's called Liam, really he's cute you should see him…
.
Next picture was the one of a teenager with black, yellow and pink hair. She had make up and wore a very short skirt with a leather jacket. This time Ian was silent for a while, like if he was searching in his memory who the girl was and how she was related to him.
- It's Mandy Milkovich, he finally said, and suddenly there was a shadow on his face. She's in my class at school, I mean she was. I… I got her pregnant… I didn't want to, I was not interested in her and I don't remember exactly how it happened but I have the memory of a Milkovich baby and of people shouting that Mandy was pregnant by my fault and that I was a dead man because I touched her…
- This « Milkovich baby » as you call it, was it the one that you stole and that the police had to tear away from you ? wonder the woman, seeing Ian doubting about the story.
- I DIDN'T STEAL ANY BABY, he snapped with anger.
- You know exactly what I mean Ian.
- …
- Was it this baby ?
- Yeah, ok it was. But it's mine, it's my son and Mandy's, his name's Terry and technically I'm his father so I didn't steal it, ok ?
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She aggreed sadly, not knowing how to react to the heartbreaking statement.
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He was forgetting.
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He was forgetting everything, his exact relationship with his siblings and parents, his history and past, what was true and what was lies… He just had events in his head and tried do blend them in a random way, creating stories about people he knew but didn't really remind.
Maybe coming home wasn't the good option for him finally. If he wasn't able to identify people he had known for years, it seemed better for him to be interned. But the decision hurted her. Not only because she knew the devasting effects that he had on other patients, looking so hopeless that it made everybody around feeling depressed, but especially because she had thought that he could live ordinarily now. Some hours ago, her diagnosis would have been that Ian Gallagher was lifeless and quiet, but with his dear family taking care of him, he would quickly be in a better mood.
Now she was unsure. She was doubting, doubting of everything about him.
Without any hope, she gave him the last picture, the one of a guy with dark hair and blue eyes, and blood on his right cheek.
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The boy seemed unable to speak for a few minutes. Obviously the feels were hurting too much and he took a deep breath before saying slowly :
- Mickey Milkovich. 21. He's my boyfriend…well, he used to be.
- That's right, whispered an astonished Pr. Connelly. Ok, tell me as much as you can about you and Mr. Milkovich.
- You sure ? Cause I'm afraid it's gonna be a bit dirty, he joked with – for the first time – a mischievious look in his eyes. Yeah, I'm kidding… We met some years ago, first he was trying to kick my ass because Mandy had pretended that I raped her whereas I just rejected her cause I was gay. Mick would have turned me into pulp if we hadn't discover that I was more useful to us both being hard, hot and heavy. But that wasn't official, we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. Lip was the only one who knew about the whole story, I told him cause I was sure that he'll be ok with it, just as he had been with the porno newspaper and everything. Then my boss knew it, and then my father Frank knew it and Mickey went to juvie twice for trying to shut their mouth.
- So you're saying that Frank was your father and that the newpapers were yours, not Lip's, is that it Ian ?
- Yeah, yeah that's it… I don't know why I told you all those things before… Well but then, the real problem wasn't Lip or Frank, it was Terry, Mickey's father. I'm thinking… Did I just tell you that Terry was Mandy's child ? I'm sorry, in fact Mandy and I didn't have a child, everybody thought that I got her pregnant but in fact it was her dad, and I found the money with Lip so she could have an abortion. I guess it gives you an idea of what kind of scaring rubbish Terry Milkovich is. That's why Mickey was afraid of coming out of the closet… And you know, I was selfish, I didn't see what was at stake there, and I really wanted him to admit he was gay, but well… he was right to be frightened… Terry is a bastard, a fucking dangerous crazy bastard, and we learned it in pain…
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His face looked like a wax mask as he was clearly remembering a traumatic event.
The doctor chose to let him time before carrying on with his weird love story.
- Mickey married a whore on his father's orders, made a baby to her, the baby, that baby… The one that I « stole » even if I love him just like my own ! In a nutshell, I run away to army, spoiled everything, but not enough to drive Mickey away so we came back together, and when I threated him to leave if he didn't admit he was gay, he gave a finger to his fucking father by yelling at him how we banged in his house and how much he liked the taste of my dick in his mouth…. And we could have lived happily ever after with Svetlana and Yevgeny if it wasn't with you assholes and your freaking drugs…
- Ian please, you know it's not our fault if you have bipolar disorder
- Yeah and whose fault is it eh ? Maybe mine ? He was back to his angry tone, looking like a tiger in a cage.
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She thought that coming back to Mickey was wiser, judging by the way Ian was able to focus on it, opposite than the other topic.
- Everything that you said is very interesting, thank you for sharing it with me, she commented calmly. There's only one thing that stays intriguing : you said that he used to be your boyfriend ? Isn't he anymore ?
- No. I broke up with him before even coming here, he replied sharply.
- However, Mr. Milkovich clearly is at the center of your life, so why did you…
The carrot boy had a irritational tic, took another deep breath and explained with a voice full of anger and resentment :
- You can't understand, you're not Southside's… At Back of the Yards, you just have to say Mickey Milkovich's name and all the chicks wet their pants ! He's a tough guy, the one who defend his honour with his fists, who never stop, who never give up to somebody, who never yield. He just hit and beat and drink and burp and smoke and swear like if nothing had any importance and life less than everything else cause it sucks. Yet, he's all my life, he embodies life, he makes it real and sharp. He's the type that says « fuck you » and it means I love you, and he threats you with his fists if you dare to ask for a fucking kiss, because he want everbody to think that he don't give a shit. But now… Now with the pills, the drugs, the manic phases… He began to be worried for me, to care for me, to play the perfect nurse… That's not the guy I loved, that's not the guy I had been fucking ! Before there was burning desire in his eyes, with provocation, jokes, love, but all I can see now is a shitty dose of pity.
- But he if loves you it's natural that he cares and worries for you, Ian. It's what everyone would do.
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ! Why don't you people understand ? HE'S NOT LIKE EVERYONE, HE'S MICKEY FUCKING MILKOVICH ! shouted the young man with a look of despair on his face. We've been through worst than that ! You think the worst parts of my life were my depressive phases under the quilt when the will to live was disappearing ? But it wasn't ! It wasn't at all ! The worst was watching Mickey being raped by a whore and being helpless while the gun of his father forced me to look at him, when he had no choice but denying our love, denying us, and denying who really was… I didn't wished to kill myself this day, I wished I never been born at all, do you get it ?
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He had to stop speaking as his voice was covered by tears of both distress and rage. He looked powerless and hopeless, trying to wipe off his tears with the sleeves of his sweater. The professor was starring at him in chock. What a traumatic moment it would have been for the two boys…
She remained silent until Ian could release syllabes from his mouth again. His eyes were still flooded by tears but he found the strenght to end his speech :
- Mickey did everything for me… He risked his life against his father when he admitted he was gay and he di dit so we can be together. He refused to let me go to one of your freaking prisons, he said fuck to everyone… But he can't help me anymore because seeing him wanted to help me like if I was a five years-old kid or a poor old crazy man or a moron who can't take care of himself, it's unbearable. I… I can't stand it. It's not like that between us and it should never be, at any price…
.
- Well, so, what are you waiting for ? asked the blond woman.
- What the hell do yo… What do you mean ? asked the ginger boy in return.
- Two points stand out clearly from your talk Mr. Gallagher. Firstly, yo'ure obviously madly in love with Mr. Milkovich and breaking up with him did not altered your feelings for him. I tested you on your relatives and he's the only one for whom you've got all answers correct. Moreover, remembering your common story made you realizing the mistakes you've been saying about different people. In other words, despise the illness, the treatment and the fact that you don't seem to care about anything, there is still an anchorage point in your life and it's called Mickey Milkovich. You may not realize this but you're desperatly holding on to your memories thought Mickey, and, in all probability, for Mickey. Secondly, your love and your pride drive you to reject his help. We've been noticing the same behaviour for months towards every person who tried to support you. You disclaim visits from your family, meetings with the psychologist… You're acting like that because you have pride but be careful Ian, because a strong and lively answer from you.
- What do you mean by « a strong and lively answer » ?
- I mean that if you turn down all the help that people offer you, you'll have to find the strenght to revive by yourself. Don't look so puzzled, for I'm sure that you feel from some time now that you must eradicate your demons alone. You want to stop this. You want to prove you're brave enough to win against the illness, to control it and show the world that you aren't broken. Except for now, you're showing us the exact opposite.
- Ow, so you're judging me again aren't you ? you're not me ok ? You don't know how I feel, you don't know what it is, you have no right to tell me what I've got to do !
- Yeah, ok I don't know what you feel and I can't judge you. But think about it for one minute Ian : when he was confronted to his pipe dreams, your lover chose to stand and to face them, even if his first thought was to run away, just like you. Yet, when you let him no choice but to fight or to lose you, because you were going to the army or because you said you would leave him alone, he had risked everything. He find the courage to face his father only because he was afraid of losing you. But today you have lost Mickey for you refused to let him fight for you. But Mickey would'nt have bee able to free himself without you, so now you've got to pay your debt towards him. You've got to fight for Mickey's love the way he fought for yours.
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A very calm atmosphere came into the room at the end of the doctor's speech. Her eyes were still focused on his face, waiting for his reaction, his answer.
His body bretrayed him before his mouth and he started crying again, holding his orange head on his hands while his eyes shown the release of his mind.
He knew.
He finally knew what was the path to follow, what was the war to fight for, what was the hope to believe in.
Suddenly everything was clearer, he understood actions he hade made without knowing why. His suicide attempt after Mickey's ruthless judgement at the trial, his reject of his family during the visits… It was like if his brain have had a plan for five months but his heart didn't admit it.
And now here he was, with an aim to pursue and a dream in the heart. He was feeling new and, in way invicible, even in front of such a difficult struggle. He was invicible because Mickey loved him. He had broken Mickey's heart for nothing, he had been selfish one more time and now had come the time to fix all this, to repay his boyfriend for all the love he had been giving him.
A Gallagher always pays his debts.
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Ian used a few more minutes to calm down and realize the whole meaning of the doctor's words.
She was wondering if she should ask him if he was ok, when the teenage boy managed to overcome his tears and control his trembling voice.
- You know, the last happy moment that we shared together, we were drunk and we started singing and shouting « Love is a battlefield ». I never thought it was that true, he finally said with a small cheerless laugh.
She returned him a smile and felt a sudden outpouring of compassion for the boy, way bigger than the one she used to feel for her other patients. Ian Gallagher definitely was a distubing case and a moving one, but it wasn't a frustrating one anymore.
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Somebody knocked at the door and all of a sudden, the nurse was there again and taking Ian back to the dormitories.
The redhead boy slowly obeyed and walked away from their table and she thought that he was going to leave without a word, just like he entered, when at the doorstep he turned away and pronounced :
- But I want to thank you and I promise you that I'll be ready for this fight and I won't stop until I win the war and get my Mickey back. After all, I've been to ROTC, he added with this time, a real blossoming smile on his face
.
-.-.-.-.-
-.-.-.-.-
/We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield/