Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters I've borrowed here.
Summary: Inspired by the Kelly Clarkson song. She's lived with him for five years and he's all she knows. He's addictive even though he hurts so much. And she needs to leave. But can she walk away, even when she knows it's what she has to do? Dark, AU
ADDICTED
Why can't I just walk away?
She sets her bag down on the chair and kneels next to the bed, watching him sleep. He's surprisingly peaceful. Now would be the time—if there ever really is a time—to leave, to walk out of this dingy old apartment and go be someone.
She pushes a lock of hair behind her ear, biting her lip so she doesn't cry. It's so hard to even think about. No matter what he says, no matter what he does, the same the same the same, never never never change…
She's bitter, really. She knows that, and she knows she can never change that…but she hates it. She hates that she's lived through everything, everything life could possibly throw at her, and she just doesn't care. Maybe she's just used to it, used to getting screwed over at every possible turn, used to life pointing at her and laughing its head off. It doesn't matter that it's not supposed to be fair anymore because, somehow, it is fair. It's always to teach her something—always.
Those years at home were to teach her to be better. The war was to teach her to be stronger. And he—well, what is he?
She watches him snuffle in his sleep, floppy hair falling over his eyes. She almost reaches out to brush it away, but she stops herself. She knows her place.
That's what he's for, then.
He keeps her in her place, the place her father taught her years ago. That's her grounding influence, the one aspect of her life that stays the same through years and years of change. She's always known where she belongs, and that's some small comfort at least.
He's so peaceful.
He wasn't like that last night, of course. His blue eyes were sparking and chilling cold fire fury and his hands were steel soft smooth and his voice was thunder soft thunder and his backhands were hell cold fire hell…
But that's over now.
Sometimes she thinks she's losing it. Like she's falling falling can't get up falling deeper deeper down to where no one sees no one knows no one cares she doesn't matter nothing matters…
Come on, focus, is all she can tell herself. Don't think about the dark oh the dark don't close the door daddy don't touch me turn the light on no no shut up shut up don't make a sound in the dark…
Every word means something to her, some memory, some fear, some nightmare don't scream gotta wake up don't close your eyes…
But she keeps coming back. She can't get away, she can't give it up. She knows it hurts, and she hates how much it hurts and how little she can do about it…
But she never gives up. She remembers those moments, where his face would light up and his smile gentle bright and his kiss sweet tender and his arms soft strong and his love shocking wonderful…
She closes her eyes with a blissful smile. Sometimes he's still like that, all love and hugs and apologies and promises…and then it's over, then it's back to her place and her duty and her memories.
But she lives for those moments. Those days when he smiles and everything goes away. When it's just them, and no one else, and they just smile laugh play read hold feel care love…
She knows every day can't be like that; she has to pay up for her sins and how bad she is and she'll never be better and she'll never be done paying and she'll never know her place don't touch that don't say this don't laugh don't ask don't touch me don't say anything don't cry don't love…
There are so many rules.
Ray doesn't think it's healthy. He knows what's going on, he sees her every day. "No, stop, talk to me, tell me what's wrong. What happened to your eye? Where are you going? Why don't you ever say hello to me anymore? This isn't you, what is he doing to you?"
She keeps walking, sometimes she nods, but only if she knows he'll never know, because Ray makes him jealous because they've always been friends ever since that day in London. "Hi my name's Ray, come sit with me. We'll eat lunch, don't worry, I'll share with you. No, it's okay, I have extra. Don't be shy…"
It's so hard to lie to Ray, even harder than it is to lie to him. Sometimes she can't think of a lie so she just walks away but her heart is screaming don't let me go stop me see something's wrong stop me ask me why start it for me can't do this alone and her head is saying don't think just keep going it only gets worse if you stop don't he'll know remember your place it's what you deserve and she just keeps walking because she doesn't know what to do.
He takes a deep breath and rolls over so his back is facing her, cutting her out hiding away don't see who he is don't know who he is not worthy don't trust me know my place don't look me in the eye and she gets off her knees. It's only five-thirty, he won't wake up for another half an hour to get ready for work. She has to go make breakfast and set the table and make sure there's coffee and where's the newspaper and is the water cold because he always drinks some with his coffee and is there more flour because she made pancakes yesterday and is there sugar because if there's not and…
Then she remembers. She picks up her bag reluctantly. She was the top of her class in school. She graduated with the highest honors she could possibly have gotten. She'd won a full ride merit scholarship and kept her grades up perfectly all the way through school. She'd found it surprisingly easy, in a way, and she knows she has to be a little bit intelligent. After all, she remembers all the job offers she got. She deserves better than this.
She had potential, everyone saw it, but she gave it away. And why? To stay home in a dingy gray apartment that she's scrubbed for hours at but it's never clean, to stay home for a husband who doesn't love her who won't love her no matter what she'll do, to stay home like an obedient little housewife with no mind of her own no matter what she wants.
She had never wanted that. She had envisioned herself a champion of the light, the one who could smash through decrepit laws and bulldoze ancient stereotypes, who could vanquish the evilest doctrine and champion the tiniest, most frightened child. She had had dreams, too, just like every other righteous child who knew what she wanted for once in her life.
Just because she had to give up those dreams every summer to come home sit there don't move don't say this don't say anything don't do that don't make a sound don't complain don't question stay there doesn't mean she forgot them. Every time she told them a story "Listen now it's a good story there will be someone to fight for you to fight for me to fight for what's right to save us we just have to be strong and wait because it's just around the corner trust me don't worry trust me it's okay", every time she sang them to sleep "tomorrow is another day take it as it comes open eyes open arms tomorrow is the day", every time she kissed them goodnight she remembered them. Because who was she without her dreams?
But then he finally saw her and he was so wonderful loving kind beautiful hateful cruel addictive painful that she couldn't tear away. He pulled her in and wouldn't let her go his soft eyes sharp smile false words painful arms…
She has to leave. She can't let him do this to her. She is someone. And now, she has someone. She has the little tiny twelve-week-old someone in her belly and she is going to protect that little someone even if she has to quit him cold turkey to break her addiction to break away to admit it to run away to give up to abandon…
The baby doesn't deserve this.
She picks up her bag and looks around the dingy apartment, at the brown counters and the grayish walls and the yellowish kitchen table and the old, broken door that separates the bedroom. She can't stay here any more, washing walls and wishing he could be something more, something different.
She wants love, someone to take her coat off after a long day and rub her shoulders, someone to hug her tight and not slap her three minutes later, someone to make her laugh and keep her safe, someone to kiss her and mean it, someone to love her baby…Someone to love her no matter what she does, no matter how much they know about the dark don't speak don't move don't tell anyone I'll kill you keep your mouth shut how much for one night how young are you so beautiful so young so innocent cry don't hold it in you look so pretty when you cry does that hurt don't tell anyone it's our secret you're beautiful don't grow up…
She wants…
Ray.
She wants the friend who's rubbed her feet, the friend who's held her hand, the friend who's always there, the friend who takes her seriously. She wants the man who gives her the chance, the man who knows her secrets, the man who trusts her always, the man who really cares. She wants the lover who kisses, the lover who knows everything, the lover who wants to raise the child she's always dreamed of, the lover who knows her.
She takes one last look at her husband, the man she wasted five years of her life on, the man who hates the baby, the man she doesn't know, the man who doesn't know her. Memories come rushing back hands cold eyes warm touch so painful hurts hurts don't touch me leave me alone why are you doing this what did I do why can't I fix it I'm sorry I'm sorry forgive me forgive me not my fault I didn't mean to…
Then she turns around and opens the door. "Not any more, Ron," she whispers into the apartment just as the sun starts to show through the windows and the world begins to wake up. "Not any more."
And then she's out of the apartment and down the hall and the key is in the trash can and she's out of the building and on the street and she runs to his house and her eyes are crying saltwater sweet on her lips and her lungs are crying and there it is light green shutters and blue roof and it's so beautiful when the sun comes up and there's the door white and windows and sparkle-clean in the sun and it's warm and wonderful and she feels safe and she knocks on the door.
And he opens it and his hair is messy and it's in his face and his eyes are bleary and he's yawning and he's not wearing a shirt and his hair shines gold in the sun and his face lights up when he sees her and she finally reaches up and brushes his hair out of his eyes and she leans over and she kisses him.
And it's perfect and her hands are around his shoulders and his arms are around her waist and they're gentle soft and his lips are supple sweet and his hair is soft silky and his touch is electric calm and the morning is bright and sunshine and her tears are on his cheeks and the world is perfect and he doesn't let her go and she finally stops.
"I wouldn't stay any longer," she breathes out. "Ron was horrible and all I wanted was you and I'm carrying his baby and he doesn't want it and I love you."
And he doesn't even twitch.
He just kisses her again, slow and sweet and gentle and it's wonderful and her tears dry up and his heart thumps against hers and they're in perfect rhythm and he pulls away smiling.
"I love you," he says to her in that beautiful melodic voice, his eyes shining and they're warm, so warm and they're not cold not at all there's no chill just fire and it's all for her and it's happy and his hands are gentle and they're real and they're around her waist and she's safe and she never has to see him again.
"And the baby?" she remembers and pulls away. "Ron's baby?"
"The baby's not Ron's, he or she is yours, and your child is going to be wonderfully magnificent," he says with the utmost conviction. "Just like you. And I'm going to be there every step of the way."
She leans forward and puts her chin on his shoulder, loving his embrace. "Then he's yours too," she murmurs in his ear. "Just like me. As long as you'll have me."
"Forever, then," he whispers back, his lips at her ear.
She smiles and presses a kiss to his cheek. "Forever and beyond," she promises.
And she relaxes into his arms, feeling his heart beat and listening to his breathing and not caring about her bruises or Ron or anything else. All she feels is love.
And that's more addictive than anything she's ever experienced.
BREAK
Draco and Hermione Malfoy
are proud to inform you that
Sophie Hélène Malfoy
was born
12 April 2006
at
6:00 am
BREAK
A/N: Wrote this last night in a fit of muse-ness. Just wanted to post it, to see what you think. It's not my usual style but I wanted to try something different, and I'd seen something like this before. If you like it, leave a review and tell me why. If you hate it, leave a review and tell me why. If you're just bored, leave me a review, although you don't really have to tell me why.
Thanks,
LysPotter xoxo