Jim Brass looked over at me as I worked outside the house at the scene. He wanted to say something comforting after the week I had dealing with my mother's sudden death, but when he got the chance he backed out.
I stood collecting my evidence walking over to where he stood by his car.
"All done." I said "I'm going back to the lab."
"Okay, I'll meet you there." He said
I smiled at him making my way to the Tahoe. As I drove back to the lab I thought of Grissom rejecting me a month ago and then running off to marry Sophia. It hurt and for a while I didn't want to get out of bed, but I just picked myself up and went back to work. I parked outside of the lab hearing Brass pull up beside me then getting out of his car he walked around leading me to the building.
"Thank you for helping." I said, taking the bags from him. He nodded watching me go then he went back to his office at the police station.
Grissom saw me in the locker room yawning as I closed it holding my keys.
"Hey." He said, opening his locker.
"Hey, so how is married life?" I asked
"Good." He said
I nodded going to the door.
"Sara, you okay?" He asked, watching me.
I looked at him slowly nodding before leaving. I walked outside still seeing Brass's car beside mine. I started to open my door when he came out jiggling his keys seeing me.
"Hey Sara." He said, walking over.
"Hey." I said
"Going home?"
"I guess." I said, yawning.
"You look all in."
I nodded looking at him. He walked over touching my arm.
"Be careful."
"I will."
He nodded going around his car to leave. I watched him leave thinking then I got in to my car.
I went home closing the door going to bed sleeping until it was time to get up. I entered the lab the next shift seeing Grissom hugging Sophia seeing her off before he went back to his office she walked by me smiling waving then walked to the police station. I watched her go annoyed then I went to work.
Brass stood in the hallway as I walked over with a file in my hands.
"This is a little premature." He said "I mean we don't even know if this guys the one."
"I know, but I wanted to question him anyway." I said
He walked with me to interrogation. The man was sitting in work clothes looking nervous and impatient. I looked at him from the glass barrier as Brass stood beside me looking in.
"Ready?" He asked
"Give me a minute." I said, opening the file. "Is he left or right handed?"
"Left."
I looked at the man then I looked at Brass.
"It's not him."
"What do you mean?"
"The man that killed the woman in the house was right handed. The bruising on the neck was deeper on the right side."
"I'll let him go." Brass said, walking past me. His hand went to my back as he past and I looked at him. He walked in and I left quickly. As shift was over I walked over to the station seeing him walking over to his office door seeing me.
"Hey." I said
"What's up?"
"Nothing….I just….wanted to talk to you."
"Okay." He said, walking into this office letting me walk in before he shut the door. "Shoot."
I looked down feeling awkward.
"What's wrong?" He asked "Is it about the case?"
"No, it's about…..look I like you."
"I like you to."
"No, I mean good, but…."
He reached over touching my hand.
"Sara you can talk to me."
I looked at him feeling silly for even talking about it. Shaking, I stepped closer to him seeing him standing still searching my face. He didn't stop me as I moved forwards placing my lips on his. We stood there not touching except with our lips. I moved back opening my eyes looking into his.
"You….ah better go." He said
I swallowed knowing that I had made a terrible mistake. I moved to the door looking back at him then I ran out. He sighed touching his lips looking down.
Once outside I ran to my car breathing fast as I tried not to cry. That is when someone came up behind me. I screamed, but was caught off guard by Brass turning me around touching my cold face.
"It's okay….it's just me." He said
I shook looking at him feeling his arms come around me hugging me. I put my face against his coat breathing in his cologne scent. He felt me move back and he touched my cheek again. I kissed him again out of relief. He put his arms around me holding me to him. It was an old fashioned kiss as we stood there feeling the cool air hit us. I moved back seeing his breath come out of his mouth.
"There's a diner down the street." He said
I nodded feeling his arm circle around my waist leading me to his car.
I woke with a start seeing it was day time outside. Brass was lying over me snoring loudly against my stomach wearing a white t-shirt. I noticed we were at his place in his bed. Rubbing my head I remembered we ate then we drove to his place then we…..
Sighing, I closed my eyes covering them with my hand. Mortified at what I did, I moved feeling him move then still snoring again. I slid out from under him then I picked up my clothes looking at him then I ran out the door.
Grissom came into the break room seeing me sitting looking at nothing holding a cup of coffee sitting in a chair. He walked over touching my shoulder seeing me jump.
"Hey, you okay?" He asked
"Yeah, I just had a rough night." I said
"Want to talk about it?"
"No." I said, getting up avoiding him.
Brass came to the door in his regular work clothes knocking looking at me.
"Ah Sara, can we talk?"
"Sure." I said, walking out.
"Anything wrong?" Grissom asked
"No." He said, leaving with me.
Grissom watched us go feeling as if something was going on. We didn't say a thing until we were in his office. He shut the door looking at me as I awkwardly looked down.
"Want to sit down?" He asked
"Yes." I said, sitting in a chair. He walked over sitting on his desk looking at me.
"Sara, last night was a….ah."
"Mistake." I said
"Yes, I want to apologize."
"I should." I said, standing.
"No, it was me." He said, standing taking my hand. We both looked at each other. I made him let me go as I backed up moving to the door.
"I have to go to work."
"I'll see you." He said
I got out of there taking a breather before walking away. I found myself very distracted thinking about last night. Someone would be talking to me and I would be remembering the touching, and the moaning. The rest of time I avoided him. The end of shift came again and I looked down as I walked to the front door only to be stopped by Grissom with Sophia.
"How was your shift?" Sophia asked, going to the door.
"It was good." I said, eyeing her.
"Sara, is everything all right?" He asked
"Everything is fine." I said, following them out.
"If you want to talk….." He said
"Thanks, but I am fine." I said, walking to my car. He nodded watching me go before joining Sophia in their car.
I got inside the car looking ahead thinking. My cell phone went off scaring me. I grabbed it putting it to my ear.
"Sidle."
"Sara, its Jim."
"Oh." I said, looking down. "I was just going home."
"Can I come to your place and talk?"
I hesitated thinking about what could happen.
"I don't think that would be a good idea."
"Please, I just want to talk."
"All right." I said
"I'll be right there."
I hung up starting the car. When I got there he was getting out of his car watching me get out of my car looking at him. He motioned me forwards. I looked at him as we walked to the stairs. He looked at me in silence. I opened my door allowing him inside. Closing my door I threw my keys on the dining room table then I looked at him.
"Do you want something to drink?"
"No." He said
I nodded walking to the living room. He followed me in watching me sit down on the couch. He came to sit down in the chair near me.
"I'll just start." He said, watching me nod. "Last night was….a mistake yes, but it was also something that was meant to happen."
"How can you say that?" I asked
"Sara, we can't go back and fix it."
"We can now, by not seeing each other than at crime scenes and work." I said, standing.
He took my arm pulling me to him. I looked down at his hand then at him.
"I suppose that is best."
"Yes, it is."
He let me go then followed me to the door. I opened it for him. He reached over touching my nose before leaving I closed the door just leaning against it.
True to his word we pretended it never happened and soon it became natural. That is until one day. I marched to the station seeing the man getting the handcuffs around his wrist taken off as the Brass told him he was free to go. I worked hard on the case only to be told that the evidence was not enough for a conviction. The man looked over as Brass did seeing me walking over.
"You murdered her!" I said, coming closer. Brass grabbed me pulling me back into the hallway to his office. He pushed me in as he closed the door. I moved to go out but he grabbed my arms.
"You are not going out there!" He said
"He killed his wife!"
"Sara, stop!" He said
I breathed in and out fast wanting to rip the man to shreds. Brass held me firmly in place watching me.
"This is not the way!"
I backed up making him let me go. He still blocked to door as I sighed. I paced a few minutes finally walking over kissing him on the lips. He moved his hands onto my arms pushing me back, but I came back. He gave up fighting putting his arms around me letting me kiss him. Someone knocked on the door behind him. He moved back looking at me watching me move as he straightened his tie opening the door. Grissom stood at the door looking at him and then me.
"Sara, I want to see you in my office when you are done in here."
"She'll just be a minute, Gil." Brass said
Grissom nodded looking at us before leaving. Brass closed the door taking a breath looking at me.
I took a breath looking down.
"I…had better go." I said, walking to the door. Brass stopped me touching my cheek. I moved closer kissing him again. We moved back and he put his head against mine.
"Grissom is waiting." He said
"I know."
"What do you say I come by your place later?"
"Okay."
He let me go opening the door. Grissom sat at his desk as I came in standing in front of his desk.
"You wanted to talk?"
"Yeah I did. I think you need to take some time off."
"What?"
"Sara, you have been working nonstop since I last saw you. I am getting reports about your outburst and odd behavior and then there is earlier when you went to the police station."
"I am okay." I said
"I don't think you are." He said, eyeing me. "There is something else."
"What?"
"Sit down." He said
I sighed sitting down looking at his desk. He got up coming around leaning back on his desk.
"Sara, I don't like to pry into my employee's private lives, but I have to talk about this."
I sighed looking down.
"I have noticed that you and Brass have been….getting closer and it concerned me."
"Why?" I asked
"He is my friend and you are my CSI. Your ages….are very far apart."
"So are yours and Sophia's."
"We are talking about you."
"Look my life is none of your business and if you are worried about Brass I don't plan on hurting him."
"I am worried about you."
I looked at him seeing he was concerned.
"Why are you doing this?" He asked
I sighed looking down again.
"I don't know." I said "It is wrong, but I can't help it."
He sat down beside me.
"Do you have feelings for him? Does he have feelings for you?"
"Ask him."
"Sara, I am asking you."
"I am confused right now." I said
"You need to think about this."
"Can I leave?"
"Yes, and you can take a few days off as well." He said
"What will you do if I don't?"
"I will make you take some days off."
I stood sighing looking at him.
"I will take one day off."
"I would rather you take more than that."
"One day."
"Fine." He said, standing.
I walked out getting ready to go home. Closing my apartment door I walked around feeling confused still thinking about what Grissom said. The door buzzer went off and I walked to the door opening it seeing Brass standing in his work clothes still. He came in as I closed the door.
"You look unhappy." He said
"No, I am just tired. Wine?"
"Coffee."
"Okay." I said, walking into the kitchen preparing some. I felt him come up behind me moving my hair making me shiver. His lips on my neck made my skin goose bump all over. I looked down hearing the coffee maker percolating. I slowly turned facing him feeling his lips touch mine. I felt the eagerness in this kiss. He pulled me closer to him. I knew where this would lead. I decided to let go and in that moment I attacked his lips grabbing at his body.
I woke hours later in another funk knowing this was yet another mistake. He laid beside me with his arm over my hip breathing and snoring. I looked at his relaxed face hearing his cell phone going off. I sat up feeling his hand drop onto the mattress seeing the phone lying on the floor on my side. I leaned over grabbing it seeing it was the station calling. I leaned over him as the phone stopped ringing shaking his arm. He slowly began to wake looking at me as I held his phone.
"Your phone was ringing." I said, handing it to him. He sat up looking at it then he dialed the number putting it to his ear.
"Brass." He said
I got up putting my robe over my body. I looked over at him as he looked at me as he listened to the person on the other end.
I walked out to the living room walking into the kitchen seeing the coffee maker still hot and untouched. Brass came out dressed walking in to me. I turned looking at him.
"I have to split." He said, kissing me quickly then he walked out leaving.
I listened to the door close then I slid to the floor holding my head. That day I did nothing but sit around trying to figure this out. He didn't call at all and that didn't help me. Someone knocked on the door that afternoon and I ran over getting it. Grissom stood outside watching the door open. I let him in then I closed the door leaning back into it.
"Brass called me." He said
"He told you?"
"He didn't have to."
I closed my eyes sighing.
"I want to hear it from you." He said, coming closer to me.
"I am a grown woman, Grissom!"
"This is not who you are, Sara."
I searched his eyes feeling tears come down my cheeks. I sniffed feeling him pull me in for a hug. He patted my back smoothing my hair.
"It's weird, I woke up and I noticed he was watching me more and I just wanted to see what it would be like." I said, as I sat on the chair while he sat on the couch looking at me.
"Sara, you know what it would be like."
I sniffed wiping my eye.
"I know, but after…..I just wanted to just do it."
"You said after….what was after?"
I looked at him.
"After you and Sophia….got married."
He realized what I was talking about and nodded moving uneasily. I looked down sitting in silence hearing him clearing his throat.
"I believe you need to let him know that you are not really interested in him."
"That's what I can't figure out. Are we meant to be together or not?"
"From what you tell me you are not interested in him."
I slowly nodded holding my head with my hand. Brass came over the next day exhausted from the night shift. I let him in taking his hand trying to lead him to the living room, but he pulled me back to him. He kissed me then moved back looking at me.
"Sara what's wrong?"
"I need to ask you something. Where do you see this going?"
He looked at me then down.
"I don't know. I….guess we are just…seeing each other."
"I am very confused."
"Yes, I know you are." He said "I thought you had figured it out."
"No, not yet."
He let me go watching as I turned walking away then I stopped turning back to look at him.
"Jim, I am a very messed up person that hung onto the dream that Grissom and I would be together some day, then he got married and I was shattered. My mother died and then I went from being heartbroken to vulnerable. I kissed you that first time because I was just looking for something to dull the pain. We spent the night together and I woke up realizing that the pain had not gone away."
"I know."
I walked over to him.
"You do?"
"Hey, I've been around for many years and learned a thing or to."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be." He said, touching my face. "Actually I have been having a good time."
"Really?" I asked, smiling a little.
"It isn't every day that I get an attractive woman looking at me."
I looked down smiling.
"Sara, whatever you want to do I will be okay with."
I nodded looking back at him.
"Want to get some take out?"
He lifted his arm looking at his wrist watch.
"I am kind of tired."
"You can sleep on the couch."
"I guess I could."
"Great." I said, walking to the phone in the kitchen. He undid his tie walking into the living room. I came in seeing him relaxing on the couch. I helped him take his coat off then I sat beside him turning on the TV. Minutes later I heard him snoring with his head back on the couch cushion. I looked at him then I watched the TV. The food came and I woke him up to eat. I cleaned the mess up and got a blanket for him to have. He stretched out on the couch watching me come over. His hand grabbed my arm pulling me down. I laughed falling on him with the blanket between us.
"Um….I have the blanket for you."
He groaned kissing me pulling me onto the couch lying beside me. I moved back feeling his warm breath on my face.
"I thought you were tired." I said
"I am, but I wanted to have some desert."
I made a sound laying back looking up at him.
"You are so beautiful." He said "Grissom was an idiot."
"Could we not talk about him?" I asked
"Sorry."
I nodded looking to the side.
"Hey." He said, making me look at him.
I looked at him watching him lean over kissing me again. I felt him move on top of me sighing as he moved back.
"What are you thinking?" He asked
"Sleep." I said
He chuckled looking down at our position.
"We are hardly in the position for that."
"I know." I said
He kissed me again then he moved to my neck. I closed my eyes trying to control myself even though deep down he was turning me on. I let my mind close down relaxing into a fog. Faintly I felt him get off me then I opened my eyes seeing him undoing his pants before pulling mine down quickly as he breathed quickly. He came back over me making contact with my body. I closed my mind off again hearing him moaning in my ear. His hand went to my leg pulling it up after that I was numb. The dullness kicked in at last.
He gently snored right up next to my ear as I moved to my side feeling his arm tighten around my stomach. I opened my eyes feeling sick inside. Slowly, I got up feeling him move. I got up running to the bathroom throwing up. I came back out into the living room seeing him standing dressed looking at me.
"Sick?" He asked
"Yeah, just a little." I said
He walked over touching my head then went back to buttoning his shirt.
"Could be the flu."
"Maybe."
"I had fun." He said
"Me to."
He kissed me going to the door. I watched him wink at me before leaving. I looked down at my stomach swallowing closing my eyes dreading what it could be. The next week Grissom saw me coming out of the bathroom at work holding my stomach looking green.
"Hey, you don't look so hot." He said
"I'll be fine." I said
"Why don't you go home?" He said, touching my arm.
"I have a lot of work to do." I said
"Come to my office." He said
I nodded going with him we entered the room and he led me to the couch in the corner.
"Lie down."
"No, I think I'll be okay." I said
"Sara, please just for a few minutes."
I nodded sliding down on it. He got a blanket from a desk drawer and laid it over me as I laid down.
"Thank you." I said, closing my eyes.
"No problem." He said, feeling my head.
I went to sleep as he went back to work. He heard a knock at his office door later and quietly went over opening it stepping outside seeing Brass.
"Have you seen Sara?"
"She's in my office sleeping. I think she's sick."
Brass looked at the door then at him.
"Ah….I think we should talk."
"Let's go to the conference room." Grissom said
Grissom sat down at the table seeing his friend walk around uneasily.
"Gil, this is not easy to discuss, but I think she might be pregnant."
Grissom sighed looking down as he rubbed his head.
"That would explain why she has spent a lot of time in the bathroom."
"She hasn't said a thing to me and I already know." Brass said "The question is what do I do?"
"You need to discuss this with her."
They both looked over seeing me come in looking at them.
"Thank you for letting me lie down in your office I feel much better." I said, looking at Grissom then at Brass.
"Come in and have a seat." He said
I nodded closing the door looking over at Brass as I did at the end of the table.
"Sara, I think we should discuss what is happening." Brass said, sitting down.
"What do you mean?" I asked, looking over at Grissom.
"Sara, Jim and I have been talking about the possibility that you might be….pregnant."
"You talked about this to Grissom?" I asked, annoyed.
"I am just trying to make sense of this."
"Whether I am or not should not be your problem." I said, glaring at Grissom.
"I understand, but it is an issue." Grissom said
"What are you talking about?"
"You know the chemicals that are used here, Sara. That and other things could seriously jeopardize the baby's health."
I stood looking at them both.
"First of all you don't know if I am pregnant or not and second of all do you think I don't know how to handle birth control?"
Grissom cleared his throat.
"I can't believe I am standing here having this conversation with you two. My boss and a man that sometimes comes over to…."
"Sara, we are just concerned over your well-being." Brass said
"Well you don't have to be. I am perfectly capable to taking care of anything my body throws out. Now I have to work. As for you my door is locked." I said, glaring at him before leaving.
Grissom watched Brass stand watching me leave. I rounded a corner leaning against the wall touching my stomach already knowing what was going to happen.
I came home seeing Brass standing by his car. I walked over looking at him before walking to the stairs.
"Sara, you are aren't you?" He asked, following me.
I stopped turning to look at him.
"Just tell me the truth. If you are I have a right to know."
I sighed looking down.
"I am."
He sighed walking over to the steps looking up at me.
"I'm sorry."
"No need to be I am having it."
"But….I thought you…"
I stepped down closer to him.
"I want the baby."
He slowly nodded watching me look at him.
"Then let me help."
"No, I don't want help.
"Sara."
"No, I am doing this by myself and I am doing it alone."
"Even if I have a say?"
"You can come and visit anytime you want, but I am taking care of the baby."
He sighed looking down at my stomach.
"Fine." He said
"I want to be alone." I said, leaving him. He watched me go sadly. I closed my door knowing he was still out there. Rubbing my head, I walked to the bedroom to lie down.
Grissom opened his house door seeing Brass looking tired and a little drunk.
"Hi Gil." He said, leaning against the door.
"Come in." Grissom said
The older man walked in seeing Sophia coming out of the kitchen seeing him.
"Ah Sophia would you make some strong coffee?" Grissom asked
"Sure." She said, walking back in to the kitchen.
Grissom showed him into the living room sitting down on a chair watching Brass sit down on the couch sighing looking at the coffee table.
"I take it you talked to Sara?" He said
Brass nodded.
"She's pregnant."
Grissom sighed nodding.
"She said that she didn't want my help."
"She's scared, Jim."
"I am to."
"Give her time to collect her thoughts."
Sophia came in smiling handing them both cups of coffee before sitting down next to Brass.
"I never wanted to be a father. I had Ellie and look how she turned out. I just want this kid to know me."
"It will." Grissom said
Jim sipped the coffee from the blue cup.
"Grissom told me about Sara. That's to bad." Sophia said
"She is shutting everyone out including me." Brass said
Grissom watched his friend suffer trying to think of someway to comfort him. Instead he nodded and listened as he talked.
I walked down the hallway the next day avoiding everyone I saw. Grissom blocked my path as I tried to get past him. He stood his ground looking at me as I sighed looking at him.
"What now?"
"I talked to Brass."
"What a surprise?"
"Stop it!" He said "I know you're in pain, but you can't avoid people forever."
"I am working!"
"Sara, I want to help you."
"You can by getting out of my way."
I walked past him as he turned watching me leave. Brass walked into the locker room seeing me shutting my door seeing him.
"Hey." He said
"Hey." I said
"Going home?"
"Yes."
"Good, how are you?"
"Still pregnant." I said, walking over to the door.
He laid his hand on my arm stopping me.
"I….I miss you."
I just stared at him.
"Can't we sit down and talk about this?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Yes."
He looked at my arm smoothing his fingers across it. I shivered as he glided them down.
"I care about you." He said "I am from a time that men faced their responsibility and did the right thing."
"You can't do the right thing now."
He watched me look at him in pain. I felt a tear go down my cheek as I looked down. His hand went to my cheek wiping the tear away then it went to my neck pulling me to him. I kissed him as if it was our last kiss feeling his arms come around me hearing him sigh. I moved back making him let me go. He just stood there with his mouth open and arms out looking at me.
"No." I said
"Please." He said
I shook my head sniffing as I left. Once outside I cried kneeling down to the ground heaving the air that was escaping fast. Someone ran over touching my back rubbing it saying comforting things. Numb and vaguely aware of the person I let them pick me up taking me to a car then drive me away. I woke sometime later under a blanket in my bed. I could hear someone talking to someone outside the room. Sitting up I felt sick and dizzy. I got out of bed holding onto to the wall as I made my way to the door. Grissom stood watching me open it seeing him by a chair in the living room.
"You okay?" He asked, walking over to me.
"I feel really dizzy." I said
He quickly pulled me over to the chair he sat in kneeling down touching my hand.
"I'll get you some soup."
I lifted my head looking at him.
"You made soup?"
"Yes, my mother used to make for me when I was sick."
"How long have you been here?"
"About five hours."
I made a surprised sound looking around then at him.
"I heard you talking to someone."
"Sophia, I called her."
"She must not like it you're here."
"She understands." He said, standing.
He went to the kitchen as I sat back looking down. He came back putting a napkin on my lap then he sat on the coffee table spooning out some soup bringing it to my lips.
"I can feed myself." I said
"Stop complaining and open up." He said
I opened my mouth as he put the spoon in then I swallowed.
"That's good."
He nodded making me eat more.
"I've made a mess over things." I said
"Yes, you have." He said
"You could be supportive." I said
"Sara, I am not going to lie to you."
"I want a happy ending like you and Sophia." I said
He paused dipping the spoon into the soup.
"We are not a perfect couple. We have fights like everyone else the difference is she never closes herself off. That's what you do." He said "Sara, you need to trust people, there not all that bad."
"I see what trust does to people." I said
"You don't let people in."
I swallowed looking at him.
"I know you think they will hurt you, but they won't."
"You did." I said
He sighed putting the empty bowl down next to him.
"Yes, and I apologize for everything you think I did."
"You rejected me."
"I told you I didn't know what to do about it."
"Then Sophia came and she….." I said, tearing up.
Grissom watched me wipe my eyes looking to the side. His hand went to mine holding it.
"Honey, I am sorry." He said, gently.
I nodded still looking to the side. His phone rang and he let me go to answer it.
"Grissom."
I wiped my eyes seeing him look at me.
"Yes, I am with her now."
He listened looking away. I knew who it was.
"No, she just needs rest right now….we are just talking…No, I will call you later. Okay." He said, before hanging up. "Brass."
"I know." I said, sniffing.
He touched my hand again rubbing it.
"I want you to take a week off to rest."
I nodded looking down.
"Sara, I want you to be happy, but you have to make that happen. Jim is a good man that has had a rough life, but that has made him the man that he is today. I know he would not intentionally harm you or your baby. He has been a good friend for many years and every time I have needed him he was there."
"He is not the one for me." I said
"Why?"
"He is older than I am."
"Yes, but so am I and you liked me."
"I loved you." I said, looking at him.
"Then why can't you love him?"
"Something is holding me back."
"What?"
I looked at him.
"You, you're the ghost in my life."
"I shouldn't be."
I sniffed sitting up closer to him.
"I can't let it go."
"You are going to have to. Otherwise you will never be happy."
That Wednesday I called Brass letting him in my apartment. I closed the door standing still taking a breath looking at him.
"I am glad you called me." He said
"Well I had to because I wanted to talk to you." I said
He watched me hesitate then I walked over hugging him sniffing against his coat. He held me against him enjoying having me in his arms.
I moved back looking at him with tears going down my cheek.
"I am going to talk so just listen." I said
"Okay."
"The thing is I don't trust people. I never have since….I was little." I said, sniffing. "I want to trust you, but there is one thing. I may mess this up and that is why I can't be close to you. That's all."
He sighed touched my cheek.
"Sara, it's okay. I don't trust people either, but I trust you and you don't need to worry about messing up because I will mess up to. I understand everything, and I thought about it. The truth is I just want to be your friend."
"Really?"
"Yeah." He said
"Oh." I said, looking down.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, I just….thought you wanted more." I said
He looked at me shaking his head.
"Will you let me help with the baby?"
"Yes."
He smiled nodding feeling better.
I came back feeling that my stomach had grown out a tiny bit causing me to notice. I made my way to a hotel making to an upper floor where the scene was. Brass stood outside the room waiting for me. I touched my stomach walking over.
"You have a man and a woman dead in the bed. Gunshots to the chest." He said
"Goodie." I said
I took a breath walking in seeing Dave the morgue guy looking at the woman lying in bed.
"Hey Sara." He said
"Hey." I said, looking at the two people lying next to each other.
"Looks like they were shot while sleeping."
"The hallway camera should show something." I said, putting gloves on. I leaned over the man lifting the blanket then I moved back touching my stomach. "He's missing something."
Dave looked at me oddly then he lifted the blanket.
"Oh!" He said "Wow, whoever did this was angry."
"Yeah." I said, undoing my glove putting my hand to my mouth. "I'll be right back."
I ran out to the hallway running down the hallway bending over throwing up. Brass walked over looking concerned as I continued to throw up.
I stood feeling his hand on my back. I reached out with my hand leaning forwards against the wall.
"Let me call Gil."
"No, I'll be fine." I said, before hunching over throwing up again. He got his phone out touching my back.
"Gil, we need someone else here. Sara is very sick."
He hung up holding my hair back as I stood up again wiping my mouth with my arm breathing in and out fast.
"You okay?"
I nodded closing my eyes.
"Why don't you sit down and take it easy. As soon as someone else comes I'll take you home."
"I have to work!" I said
"No, you have to take it easy." He said, leading me away from the spot I threw up at. The elevator dinged five minutes later as Grissom and Greg came out seeing Brass. Grissom looked over at where I was sitting holding my head in my hands with my knees up. Grissom walked over putting his case down kneeling down to me touching my knee. Brass watched me talk to him then shake my head.
"Is Sara going to be okay?" Greg asked, watching us as well.
"I hope so." Brass said
I shook my head again sniffing.
"Sara, listen to me okay. You are sick and emotional right now. I want you to go home."
I sniffed crying as I put my hand over my face.
Grissom sighed looking over at Brass and Greg watching us.
"Do you want me to take you home?" He asked
I shook my head.
"Brass can then."
"No!" I said, wiping my face.
"I don't want you driving."
I moved grabbing the wall trying to get up. Grissom helped me then he grabbed his case walking with me other to Brass and Greg.
"Brass would you take her home?"
"No!" I said
"Sara, it's either him or me." Grissom said
I touched my stomach running past them to the spot I threw up before. Grissom rubbed his head.
"Greg get to work on the scene. I'll take her home and be right back."
"No, Gil I will." Brass said
"Okay."
They went into the room as Brass walked over to me. I stood up wiping my mouth again feeling Brass touching my back again.
"Come on Sara."
I let him take me getting my case walking to the elevator. Inside I closed my eyes feeling the rush of going down making my stomach turn.
"Okay we are down." He said, holding me.
"The sooner the better." I said
He nodded helping me off. People watched us leaving going out to his car. He got me in then ran over to the other side getting in. I felt him put the seat belt over me then start the car.
"You always take care of me." I said, slowly.
"Someone has to." He said, looking over at me.
I swallowed watching him turn the car down a road.
"I don't think I am going to make it." I said
"We are almost there."
"No, I mean this pregnancy. I get sick everyday….and I cry. I wish I could be normal."
"My ex was just like that." He said
"Could you stay with me…I don't want to be alone." I asked, reaching over touching his arm.
"I would, but I am still on the clock."
"Oh."
"I can come back later."
"No, that's okay." I said, moving myself towards the window looking out.
He looked at me then drove on. We arrived at my place and he helped me inside. I laid down on my bed hearing him move around the room then put a blanket over me. He touched my head then went out closing the door. I shivered moving to my side sleeping alone.
I moved feeling warm hours later. Someone was in bed next to me by the snoring I knew it was Brass. I moved putting my face in his chest feeling sleep envelope me again. Brass moved hearing his cell phone go off half an hour later. He put the phone to his ear closing his eyes.
"Brass." He said
I moved closer to him feeling his lips on my hair.
"Yeah, I'll be there early. We can talk then." He said "Right….bye."
He hung up putting the phone down sighing lying still. Lifting his arm he looked at his watch before closing his eyes again. His fingers went to my hair smoothing it back to look at me. I moved moaning opening my eyes looking up at his.
"I think you should get checked out by your doctor."
"He said I am okay."
"When I came her after shift you were shaking so I put another blanket on you and you still shook."
"I am not now."
"Sara, I still think you should go."
I closed my eyes sighing.
"Let's not talk about this now." I said
He looked at his watch again.
"I have an early meeting. Just promise me that if it does get worse you will see a doctor." He said
"Fine."
"Okay." He said, smoothing my hair looking at me.
After he left I slept more then I ate something going to work. Grissom seemed surprised to see me there and told me I should have stayed home and rested. I spent the shift helping Greg since Grissom was in meetings all shift.
As we worked Greg kept looking over at me as I looked at pieces of clothes with blood on it. I looked at him seeing him look down. The tenth time of him looking down I sighed making him look at me.
"Why are you looking at me?"
"I just think its weird your having a baby." He said "I mean you're not exactly maternal."
"I know it's weird, but it's happening." I said, looking down.
"Have you been experiencing any cravings?"
"Some, but it's not major stuff." I said, looking down.
"Like what?"
I shrugged my shoulders.
"I don't know….the other night I wanted an orange."
"That's it?"
I looked at him shaking my head.
"Greg, pregnancy does not make you into a cannibal."
He laughed looking at the shoe he was working on.
"I know, but it's got to be more interesting than an orange."
"Well I haven't really been free to investigate them. They come and go."
We worked in silence for a few minutes.
"Do you crave meat?"
"No, I hope I never do." I said, grimacing.
He chuckled working.
Brass walked to his office seeing me standing by his door with a paper.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Um…well I was wondering if you could get me a search warrant to search a person's house." I said, giving him the paper. He opened his door letting me inside then closing the door. He looked at the results. I walked around the room slowly looking at him.
"This is double checked?"
"Yes." I said
He nodded going to his desk phone dialing a number. Greg and I walked with him to the man's house we were wanting to search. He knocked then waited. I looked at him then at Greg.
Suddenly shots from inside rang out causing us to duck close to the ground. Brass brought his gun out looking behind him as his two officers got theirs out. He stood kicking in the door letting his officers go in with him. I breathed in and out fast as Greg pulled me by the wall waiting. Brass and his officers walked out calling in that there was a man dead in the kitchen and that someone was at large. He walked away leaving us with some policemen as he got into his car getting in on the search as the calls came in about a man with gun walking down the street.
Greg and I went over the house finding weapons, drugs, and money. After shift I saw Grissom and Sophia walking together in the hallway talking. I heard my name mentioned and knew she was talking about what had happened at the scene. They did not notice me walking behind them. They went to his office shutting the door and I went to front door. Brass was standing by my car waiting for me. I smiled a little seeing him.
"You must have nine lives." He said
"Yeah, I think I am on my ninth one now."
"Don't say that." He said
"Aren't you supposed to be out finding that guy?"
"We got him."
"Oh, good."
"Want dinner?"
"Yes."
"Diner?"
"Okay, I'll meet you there."
He and I drove to the diner getting out and took a seat in a booth. I looked at the menu feeling a craving getting stronger as I looked at the food choices.
"What are you going to have?" He asked
"I…..don't know." I said
The waitress came over and we ordered. I sat looking out at traffic going past then I looked at him. He checked his phone then he put it away looking at me. I moved slowly out of the booth then I moved to his side.
"What are you doing?" He asked
"Want to hold my hand?" I asked
He reached over taking it in his. I rested my head against his shoulder. He looked at me then outside. I let my fingers dance on his lifting my head looking at him. He turned looking at me I moved closer kissing him then I moved back looking over as the waitress brought our drinks. Brass looked at my profile then he looked at the waitress. I looked back at him smiling a little feeling his hand grip mine.
We came into my place shutting the door. I pushed him hard against the door kissing him. He breathed fast as I did. I wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him to me. He moved back as I kissed his neck.
"I….think this…goes beyond….friendship." He said
I looked at him then his lips.
"We…can…stop."
He smiled shaking his head kissing me again.
"Bedroom!" I said, pulling him forwards.
I later woke alone a few hours later. I moved feeling his side still warm. I lifted my head seeing his clothes were gone from the floor. I sighed rubbing my head then I reached down touching my stomach.
He sat at his desk when I came in early to his office. He smiled at me as I shut his door leaning against it. My black shirt rode up showing the small baby bump.
"Where did you go?"
"I had a call." He said
"Oh."
"You okay?"
"Yeah." I said, staying where I was.
"What time is it?
"Almost work time." I said, moving over to his desk sliding my finger across it as I walked around it to him. He sat back in his chair looking at me. I took his hand laying it on my stomach. He looked at his hand then at me.
A knock at the door and we were apart. I walked to the door opening it seeing an officer. I walked out smiling going back to the lab.
A month later and I was showing more. Grissom walked into the break room seeing me wearing a blue tank top covering the small bump holding the coffee pot to my nose closing my eyes smelling the fumes. Grissom cleared his throat looking at me as I looked at him.
"Sara put the pot down."
"I am only smelling it." I said, placing it back on the coffee maker.
He sighed as I moved away letting him pour a cup for himself.
"So how is the baby?" He asked
I looked down at my stomach then at him.
"Fine."
He smiled before taking a drink of the hot coffee in his mug.
"No, I am asking how the doctor's appointment went."
"He said everything is going as scheduled."
"Do you know the sex yet?"
"I don't want to know." I said, sitting on the couch.
"Jim wants to know."
"He'll just have to wait."
I slept on my couch after work. Waking I sat up touching my stomach feeling sick. I ran into the bathroom throwing up then I sat back against the wall trying to mentally calm my churning stomach down.
I slowly got up walking into the bedroom lying on my back in bed letting my hands go over the bump thinking about all the work I would have to do to get ready. The phone next to me rang later as I slept. I woke picking it up settling down again.
"Yes?" I said
"Hey." Brass said
"Hey, why are you up?"
"It's almost four." He said "They called me in early."
"Oh." I said, closing my eyes.
"How's everything?"
"Well I just threw up again a few hours ago and now I am lying in bed."
"Want me to come over?"
"No, I'm fine. I think I will call in and just sleep."
"Well make sure you eat something."
"Yes, mother."
"Sara, I am only trying to take care of you."
"I know."
Grissom understood when I called in and I went back to sleep. I woke up again feeling weird like something wet and sticky was on my legs. Slowly I turned on the light gasping as my entire sheet below my waist was blood red. I slid back on the bed looking at the stain hyperventilating then I covered my stomach screaming.
Grissom came out of his office looking for Brass at the station. When an officer told him he was at a crime scene. He walked down the hallway dialing his phone number.
"Captain Brass."
"Jim, its Grissom."
Brass froze as he walked on the sidewalk along a residential area feeling dread hearing Grissom's voice.
"What's wrong?"
"It's Sara, she's at the hospital."
"The baby?"
"I'm sorry."
Brass closed his eyes thinking of how I was handling it.
"I am still her contact. I will go in check on her then call you."
"Thank you."
He hung up just standing there looking at the sidewalk. Inside his heart was full of sadness. Grissom walked into my room after talking to the doctor. I laid pale in a bed with my hands over my baby bump looking to the side. Grissom sighed walking over reaching over taking one of my hands.
"Sara?"
I moved my head looking at him. What he saw in my eyes was heartbreaking. The pain inside was to great.
"Honey I am sorry."
I blinked back tears letting him kiss my hand as he rubbed it looking at me.
"I called Brass."
"When can I come back to work?"
"Sara, you need to rest."
"I want to work."
He knew I would fight him.
"You're staying home for two weeks." He said "Final offer."
"I want to work." I said
"You can't."
I sat up slowly yanking my hand from his. He watched me yank wires off myself as a nurse came in.
"Miss. Sidle what are you doing?"
"I am going home." I said
"Sara, you need to stay here." He said, trying to help the nurse pulling me down.
"Leave me alone!" I screamed, struggling wildly.
"I'll get the doctor!" The nurse said, running out.
"Sara stop!"
"I am leaving now!" I said
The doctor came in seeing us struggling with each other.
"Sara, you are not to leave that bed!" He ordered
"I will do what I want!" I said
Grissom sighed looking over at the doctor.
"You need to stay here tonight and tomorrow you can go home." He said
"I want to leave now. Give me the forms to sign." I said, glaring at him.
"Okay, just give me a moment." He said, looking over at Grissom motioning him outside.
"Stay put." Grissom said, before leaving. I sat back watching him leave.
"Mr. Grissom, I want her to stay here overnight in observation."
"I agree."
"I would like to give her a sedative and she can rest then go home tomorrow."
Grissom nodded watching the man nod then look in at me through the window.
"Would you stay and try to calm her till we give it to her?"
"Okay."
He came back in looking at me as I sat up.
"Can I go?"
"Soon, the doctor wants to give you some pain medicine then you can go in an hour." He said, walking over to me.
I sighed looking down at my stomach.
"How was Brass when you told him?"
"He took it calmly."
"I'll bet." I said
The nurse came in with a syringe walking over putting the liquid into me through my IV.
"Just wait here till the doctor comes." She said
I watched her go then I looked at him.
"I guess losing the baby was a good thing." I said
"Why do you say that?"
"I save money." I said
He sat on the bed taking my hand.
"Sara, this is the one of the many painful experiences a woman can go through. You will cry and numbly move through life for a while. You may also shut everything out, but you will get through this."
I laid my head back against the bed.
"I want to go home."
"I know, the doctor will be in here soon and I will take you home."
I nodded relaxing feeling loopy and tired all of a sudden. Grissom watched me start to crash then finally sleep. The doctor came in seeing Grissom putting the blanket over me.
"Good, she will sleep till tomorrow."
"I will come back then." Grissom said, walking out.
Brass paced outside seeing Grissom come out seeing him.
"How long have you been here?"
"Not long, how is she?"
"They gave her a sedative."
"I should have been there."
Grissom walked over touching his arm.
"You can't blame yourself for this."
"I know."
The next day I was allowed to leave. Grissom led me out to his car then we drove home. Brass waited at my door seeing us coming. I stopped seeing him wishing he were gone.
"Sara, I am sorry." He said, walking over putting his arms around me.
"Thank's." I said
He moved back looking me over.
"I want to lie down."
Grissom got my keys unlocking the door for me. I slowly walked over going in. Brass sighed walking with Grissom in seeing me land on the couch holding myself in a ball.
"Want something to eat?" Grissom asked
"No."
"Okay, um…call me or Sophia if you need anything else."
"Thank you, Gil." Brass said
Grissom smiled at him then he left us alone. Brass walked over sitting on the couch watching me move to my other side away from him. He touched my back.
"What can I do?" He asked
"Nothing."
"I need to do something."
"You can leave me alone."
"I can't do that." He said "I care about you."
I closed my eyes shaking. He moved closer leaning over me kissing my head.
"No!" I said
He sat back sighing looking down.
"Will you call me if you want anything?"
"No."
"Sara."
"Leave me alone!" I said, hiding my face.
He slowly moved getting up walking to the front door hesitating before leaving. I cried muffled through my arms.
He called a few times leaving messages on my answering machine. I laid in bed putting the pillow over my head. Two weeks later I was sitting in a chair in the living room when someone knocked at the door. I walked over opening it seeing Brass looking very tired and pale. He seemed relieved when I answered the door.
"Why haven't you been answering your phone?" He asked
"I want to be alone."
"For two weeks I have been worried." He said
"Sorry." I said
"Can I come in?"
I opened the door for him and he came in watching me close the door.
"Look at you." He said "Have you eaten?"
"Yes." I said, annoyed.
He walked over to me and I backed up.
"I want you to get dressed and I will take you somewhere to eat."
"I want to stay home."
"Sara, I have to night off and that was very hard to do. We are going out now."
I surrendered walking past him to my room. I put on some jeans and a black shirt then he led me outside to his car. He ended up at a small restaurant on the strip. I slowly picked at the salad I ordered as he looked at me across the way eating then he walked me outside seeing lots of people walking around. He put his hand around my waist walking slowly around looking at the lit buildings.
"This town never gets old." He said "You know what I mean?"
He looked at me seeing me nod.
"I have an idea." He said, stopping to face me. "Why don't we get a room at a hotel and spend the night."
"I…don't have a bag." I said
"Me either, but who cares." He said, smiling.
I let him take my hand walking looking around. He and I got a room at the Mirage. He closed the door watching me go to the windows looking down at the lights below. I shivered as he came over touching my back looking out.
"Are you okay with this?" He asked
I shrugged my shoulders looking down. He turned me to face him taking my face in his hands. I let him kiss me then he led me to the bed. I sat down on it watching him undo his tie and take off his coat. He lifted my shirt off and then kissed me again. I laid back not moving as he leaned over me kissing parts of my body. He moved over top of me kissing my neck as I looked to the side. I realized he was not doing it anymore and I moved my head looking up at him.
"Honey, you're not enjoying this are you?"
"I am."
"No, you're not." He said, moving to lie down next to me. He sighed laying his head on his hand as he touched my stomach. "I wanted the baby to."
I looked at him in the dim light.
"It was not meant to be."
"I miss having the baby inside me. I was bonding with it and I loved it."
He touched my cheek.
"I understand, we could try again."
"No, I don't want to." I said, looking up at the ceiling.
"Then when are you going to be Sara again?"
I put my hand to my face feeling myself start to cry.
"I am so…empty inside."
He moved closer holding me. Later he laid beside me looking out the windows at the blinking lights as I slept on my side. He yawned laying back finally able to sleep.
I woke seeing daylight shining in the room. Moving to face him I looked over at him sleeping. His white work shirt was open halfway down revealing his chest hair. I reached over touching his chest letting my fingers go over his skin. He didn't move as I moved over slowly kissing his chest moving along slowly feeling him move onto his back swallowing before going back to sleep. I moved up looking at him before unbuttoning his shirt more and kissing him again. He woke looking down at me as I lifted my head looking at him.
"Good morning." He said
"Good morning." I said
"What are you doing?" He asked
I sat up looking at his chest running my hand over his skin.
"I was…just….thinking about your chest and….."
He pulled me to him kissing me. I trembled kissing him back feeling him roll us over. He moved back looking down at me.
"Do you want to do this?"
I nodded.
"You're sure."
"I need to." I said
He leaned down kissing my neck as I closed my eyes sighing.
He lay back on his side breathing fast as I moved up against him putting my head on his chest feeling his heart racing a few minutes later.
"Wow!" He said, rubbing his head.
I smiled faintly looking to the side.
"I've…never….." He said
I lifted my head looking at him.
"Was it that good?"
"It was….amazing."
He sighed letting his arm fall to his side looking at the ceiling.
"Now I'm tired." He said, yawning.
"We have to leave soon."
He looked at his watch.
"Your right." He said
I touched his hand resting on my arm.
He took me back home taking me to my door.
"I had fun." I said
"I'm glad." He said, before kissing me. "Sara?"
"Hmm?"
"I think I want to marry you." He said, watching me move back looking at him in shock.
"M…marry me?"
"Yes."
"I…we can't."
"Think about it." He said, kissing my head then he walked away. I stood there after he left in utter shock. I came back to work going straight to Grissom. He sat at his desk seeing me march in.
"It's good to…" He said, or started to before I stopped him.
"Brass wants to marry me."
"He does?"
"Didn't he tell you yet?"
"No." He said, watching me pace.
"I don't want to hurt him, but I can't."
"Sara, calm down. Think about this….he asked you to marry him. This is not the end of the world. Yes, he is older, but he would take care of you."
I nodded sitting in a chair.
"I know. It's just such a strange match. A cop and I."
"It's not strange look at Sophia and me."
"Yeah."
"Just think about this. If you married him what is the worst that would happen? You would have someone to talk to."
"Why does it have to get complicated?"
"That's the way relationships are?"
A week later Grissom and I walked up to a water reservoir outside of town where a woman was found. Brass opened the gate for us then walked us over to the water where the woman was floating.
"This place is locked isn't it?" Grissom asked
"Always with a heavy duty chain and padlock." Brass said
Grissom turned to me smiling as I shook my head.
"No, it's your turn this time, I got that man out of the barrel last time." I said
"Flip a coin?" He asked
I sighed nodding handing him a quarter.
"I call heads." I said
"Okay." He said, flipping the coin then he looked at it.
"Heads."
I groaned setting my case down going back to the Tahoe down the hill and putting on the outfit for high water. Grissom watched me get my camera, gloves and flashlight before walking into the water. I took a picture of the woman in the water then seeing Dave the morgue guy coming over to me we got the woman out. I knelt down looking at her torn dress and bruised arms and face.
"She looks like someone hit her." Grissom said, as he knelt down beside me.
Brass walked over grimacing looking down at her.
"Looks like an abused woman." He said
"Yeah." Grissom said
"I just got a call from Sophia, she needs back up."
"Is she okay?" Grissom asked
"She said she was." He said, glancing at me before leaving.
I looked at Grissom as he watched him go then he looked at me getting back to work. We went back to the lab and Grissom left me to go to the station. He came back seeing me looking at him.
"Is she all right?"
"She's fine." He said, getting on some gloves.
I saw Sophia walk over to the lab finding Grissom in the break room doing a crossword. I watched them behind the glass wall seeing him smile at her as she walked over kissing his head. They seemed in love and happy. Sighing I knew what I had to do.
Brass was in his office getting ready to leave. He looked over seeing me come in.
"I need to know something." I asked
"What?"
"If we married would we be as happy as Grissom and Sophia are?"
He looked to the side walking over thinking.
"I think more."
"So you know that you would be happy?"
"Yes I do." He said, looking at me.
I looked down leaning against the door.
"Would you be happy?"
I looked at him.
"I want to be."
He pulled me to him kissing me. I put my arms around him savoring the moment. He moved back looking at me.
"Sara, I love you, and no matter your decision I am okay with."
"You won't cheat on me?"
"Never."
"Then I say yes." I said
He hugged me as I hugged him.
"Let's do it then." He said
The next evening I walked into the building hiding my wedding ring on my finger. It took me some time to get over the fact that I was now a married woman. Grissom saw me come into the room we were working in. I grabbed some gloves quickly and avoided his stare.
"You okay?" He asked
"I am fine." I said
He nodded watching me a minute then he went back to work. Greg came into the break room seeing me sipping some coffee in a cup sitting in a chair flipping through a science journal. He walked over after getting some coffee noticing my shiny silver ring on my finger. I felt him lift my hand up looking at the ring.
"What is this?" He asked
I froze as he looked at me with wide eyes.
"Did you get married?"
"I…"
"You did it. I can't believe it!" He said, smiling. "Who is it?"
I opened my mouth to speak when Sophia came in smiling at me walking over.
"Congratulations." She said
"You knew?" Greg asked
"Everyone knows." She said
"Where have I been?" He asked
"So details." She said, sitting on the arm of the couch crossing her arms smiling at me.
"I got married." I said
"I mean the wedding night."
"Who is the man?" Greg asked
Sophia hit him on the arm.
"Brass, idiot."
"Brass? You married Brass?" He asked
I felt weird as I moved around.
"Ssh, she's telling us about the wedding night." Sophia said
"We just went back to my place." I said
"How was….you know?" She asked
"Oh I am going to be sick." Greg said, moving away.
"Grow up." Sophia said
She watched him go then she looked at me.
"Was he wild?"
"Um no, we actually went to sleep."
"Well don't worry the after wedding night is just as good." She said, getting up. I watched her leave waving.
I ran into Brass's office seeing him hanging up his phone.
"Hey what's wrong?"
"I think this was a mistake." I said
"What, getting married?"
"Everyone keeps asking me things." I said, standing by the door.
"Well that happens, but after a week it goes back to normal."
"Sophia came in and asked me about the wedding night." I said, walking over.
"Did you tell her what we did?"
"Yes."
"Good."
I felt him pull me down sitting on him. He kissed me then rubbed my arm looking at me.
"Let them be curious. I went through this before it doesn't last."
"Are you regretting this?" I asked
"No, are you?"
"No."
He lifted my hand with the ring kissing it.
"She did say the after wedding night can be just as good." I said
"That's true. I had to leave after my wedding to my first wife and it wasn't until three days later that we were alone." He said
After work I went with him to his place. He was in the bathroom as I waited nervously lying in bed. I yawned telling myself to stay awake. The door opened and I sat up seeing him silhouetted by the bathroom light. He turned off the light leaving us in complete darkness. I laid back down hearing him walk over to the bed then he got in throwing the covers over himself lying still.
"Here we are." He said
I nodded even though he could not see me.
"You can come over here." He said
I sat up moving over to him. He felt me straddle him leaning down kissing him. He tried to roll me over, but I made him stop.
"I want to be on top." I said
"Fine by me." He said
I leaned over again kissing him.
"Where do we live?" I asked, between kisses
"I was thinking your place." He said
"You own this place don't you?" I asked
"Yeah."
"Then let's live here."
"Your place is closer to work." He said
"That's true." I said
"We can decide later." He said
He came in carrying a tray of food the next day seeing me lying on my stomach on my side. He smiled looking at my tousled hair covering my face with the blanket down past my naked shoulder blades. He sat down watching me move slowly looking over at him.
"I made us an after wedding night lunch." He said
I moved sitting up holding the blanket up around me. He put the tray in between us.
"I didn't know you could cook." I said
"I can't, this is the only thing I can." He said
I reached over taking part of the over flowing grilled cheese sandwich eating some.
"Mmmm, it's good." I said
He nodded taking a bite of his.
"I should get Grissom to show me some pointers."
"No, I'll cook." I said, chuckling. "You just think about protecting people out there."
"Deal." He said
My phone rang as I reached over grabbing it from the side table on my side.
"Brass." I said, looking over at him weird. I held my hand over the mouth piece. "That feels weird."
Brass just shook his head smiling.
"Hi Grissom….yes we did it." I said, listening to what he was saying. "You'll have to ask him."
I handed him the phone as I ate another bite of the sandwich.
Brass laughed listening to Grissom. I watched him talk to him then I got up trying to pull the sheet against me. Brass looked over at me tossing me his robe instead. I put it on walking to the bathroom eating. I came back out after showering seeing him walking over touching his robe against me.
"Grissom thinks the last name thing is weird to so why don't you keep your name and hyphenate it with mine."
"Sidle-Brass."
"Sounds good or just Sidle. I am not that old fashioned."
"I just need some time to get used to it." I said
It was decided that he would come live with me selling his house. It seemed unsettling to me that I would come home and there would be a man in the apartment, but after a month it grew comfortable. He seemed very content to see me when he went to sleep and when he woke up.
One night I was walking with Greg to a house where Brass was standing just outside.
"This one is a bad one." He said
"Where is the body?" Greg asked
"Most of it is in the kitchen."
Greg groaned going inside with his flashlight on. I followed slowly.
"Hey." Brass called, as I turned looking at him.
"I like your outfit tonight." He said
I smiled turning again.
"Hey." He said, again I turned around.
"I have to go to another scene so I will see you at home."
"Be careful."
"By the Way I left you something on the fridge." He said
I smiled knowing he liked to put love notes on the fridge to brighten my day.
"I'll read it when I get home."
He nodded putting his hand to his mouth blowing me a kiss. I watched him go then I went inside. An hour later we were coming out putting our stuff in the Tahoe when Grissom parked beside ours getting out. He looked distraught and pale.
Greg looked over at me as I looked at Grissom. He pulled me to a quiet place near the car.
"Sara, something very bad has happened and it doesn't look good."
"What?" I asked
"Jim was shot in the chest."
I gasped putting my hand to my mouth.
"I have to go…see him." I said
"I'll have an officer take you to the hospital." He said, going out. My heart beat in my ears as I sat in the car waiting impatiently as the officer drove me. The doctor made me wait in a room by myself. I paced sitting on the floor holding my head. Grissom came in seeing me as I stood.
"Anything?"
"No." I said
The door opened and the doctor came in looking grave.
"He's…dead?" I asked
"No, but it's not good." He said
Grissom watched me walk over calmly seeing the man look at Grissom.
"He has you as the person who decides what to do."
"Not his wife?" Grissom asked
"No."
I looked at Grissom touching his arm.
"I know you'll make the best decision for him."
Grissom looked at me patting my hand then he looked at the doctor.
"What are his chances?" Grissom asked
"The bullet lodged very close to his heart. We need your permission to put him on life support."
"He's needs life support?" I asked
"Yes."
"I think he would wish to be kept alive unless there was absolutely no way he could live." Grissom said, glancing at me.
"It may come to that. Right now he is stable and in no pain. If there is a change I will contact you."
The doctor left and Grissom looked at me as I turned walking away slowly. I sat down in a chair looking down. Grissom sat down next to me touching my back.
"I….can't breathe!" I said
"Take a deep breath." He said
"No….I can't….breathe!" I said, grabbing my chest.
He pulled me against him holding me tightly.
"Listen to my heartbeat. Try to match the steady beat."
I started to breathe better feeling a sob rip through my body.
"He will make it, Sara."
I clutched his shirt feeling him rub my arm. He drove me to his and Sophia's place making me stay the night. I tried to eat something with them at the dining room table the next day. Grissom's phone went off and he stood excusing himself as he walked over to the living room talking to someone. Sophia reached over touching my hand as I stood looking at Grissom. He came in holding his phone walking over slowly.
"Was that the hospital?" Sophia asked
"Yeah." He said, looking at me. I blinked feeling his arms come around me. "He died a few minutes ago."
Sophia sighed standing walking over putting her arms around me as well.
"I am so sorry, Sara." He said
I didn't even acknowledge him nor did I breakdown. He moved back looking at me.
"I…don't know what…arrangements he made."
"Don't worry about that right now. I know what he wanted." Grissoms said, leading me to the living room couch. "Lie down and I will have Sophia make some tea."
I laid down completely numb. He touched my hair walking back over to Sophia.
"Could you make her some tea? I have to go to the hospital and talk to them."
"Okay." She said, wiping a tear from her cheek.
"You okay?" He asked, touching her cheek.
"Yes."
He kissed her head before leaving.
He called Catherine at work telling her then he headed to the hospital. He came back a few hours later talking to Sophia then he came in seeing me sitting up on the couch with a blanket around me.
He sat down taking my cold hand in his moving my hair back.
"Sara, I talked to the hospital and they made arrangements to take him to the funeral home."
I nodded looking ahead.
"We'll figure out the details later. I want you to stay here tonight and then I'll take you to your place tomorrow."
I moved my head looking down facing him.
"My place?"
"Yes."
"Not my place….our place."
"Our place." He said, touching my hair.
I nodded looking ahead again. He looked over at Sophia who shook her head at him sadly before walking away. He pulled me back against him leaning his head against mine.
The next day Grissom walked me to my front door. He opened it watching me go in slowly. Inside he was reminded that Brass was there seeing his things hanging up on the wall or the cologne in the air. I walked over to the last note he ever wrote to me on the fridge telling me he loved me. Grissom came in seeing it watching me slide my finger over the words then I laid my head against it closing my eyes.
"Honey, let me make you something to eat then you can lie down."
"Grilled cheese." I said
"If you want that."
"He made that, it was the only…thing he knew how to make." I said
He reached over touching my arms. I let him take me to the bedroom to lie down then he made me grilled cheese bringing it in. I let him feed me then I laid down on his side smelling his scent. Grissom went out knowing I was not in good shape.
Grissom went ahead making the arrangements so not to cause me any undue stress. He came over frequently to make sure I was eating.
Then the day came to dress in black and put on dark sunglasses. The funeral was everything that Brass would have wanted. Amazing Grace was played by men with bagpipes. I walked up the hillside with Grissom on one side and Sophia on the other. The pastor spoke for ten minutes about my husband then the guards shot their guns up in the air making me jump. The flag was folded and given to me then it was over. People hugged me then went down the hill. I held the flag standing looking at my husband's casket. Grissom took the folded flag from my arms and watched me walk over kneeling down putting my head on the wood closing my eyes. Sophia stood walking over to stand beside Grissom. I stood holding on to the casket turning. Grissom handed Sophia the flag as he walked over catching me as I fell forwards against him sobbing. He pulled me up against him smoothing my hair. He picked me up walking down the hill with Sophia.
That night he opened his spare room door looking in at me sleeping in bed. I had cried myself to sleep causing him to worry about me. He walked over untangling the blankets putting them around me then he walked out closing the door. Sophia handed him a cup of coffee as he walked over sitting next to her on the couch. He sighed closing his eyes laying his head back feeling her reach over touching his hand.
"Tough day." She said
"I miss him." He said
"Me to."
He pulled her close to him.
"Sara will be a mess for a while."
"I know, but we can help her." She said
He kissed her head.
"Yes, we can."
I woke early touching my messed hair as I carried my black shoes out into the living room where Grissom was coming in from the kitchen. He stopped seeing me walking over in my dress.
"I should go home."
"Why not stay and eat?"
"That's okay, I really should go."
"Want me to drive you?"
"No, you stay here." I said
He watched me go to the door leaving quietly. I opened my front door closing it walking into the living room then the bedroom sitting down on the bed. It felt as if he were in the room with me. I closed my eyes breathing in the scent then I stood walking over to the closet looking at his white dress shirts lifting them up smelling them.
The front door opened and closed and I jumped hearing footsteps walking around. Slowly I walked over opening the door walking out seeing Grissom.
"Grissom, what are you doing here?"
"I was worried about you."
"I'm fine." I said
He walked over to the kitchen opening the fridge.
"You don't have any food."
"I just got home."
He closed the door taking Brass's note off the fridge.
"Please put that back." I said
He looked at me then put it back. He walked over to me looking around.
"What are you going to do with his things?"
I looked around then at him.
"I can't…..do this now."
He pulled me to him.
"I'm sorry."
I sniffed against him.
"I just want him back." I said, muffled in his coat.
"I know."
"Why don't I go and buy you some food?"
"You don't have to." I said, moving back.
"I want to."
I nodded wiping a tear from my cheek.
"Okay."
I watched him leave as I sighed looking down at myself needing to change. Grissom was wonderful that first week then as the weeks progressed I stepped forward without someone behind me. Sophia got his job as Captain and everyone seemed to ease into that change knowing she didn't want to replace him or make everyone forget.
A month later Grissom saw me walking along the hallway holding a paper. I looked up at him smiling faintly.
"How are you doing?"
"Good."
He nodded seeing I looked less tired and thin.
"I am going to take Sophia out the dinner. Do you want to come?"
"No, three is a crowd."
"It's okay." He said
"If your sure then yes."
"Great I'll come by after shift."
"Okay."
I watched him leave standing by myself looking at the paper in my hand seeing my wedding ring still on. It was a comfort thinking he was near watching over me. I went home getting ready after shift looking at his things around the apartment still. I knew it was unhealthy to keep stuff, but it seemed as if he were just at work. Walking into the kitchen I got a glass of water looking at the fridge seeing the note still under the magnate telling me that he loved me.
I touched it inside telling him I loved him.