It was a cold, winter day. Wind was swirling, snowflakes whirling. Frozen windows glared in the frosty sunlight as if magic. Yet despite the snow and ice, she was a glowing pinnacle of warmth. Her eyes seemed glued to the ground, permanently, and her heart – so, so warm.
Then it was his smile. Ever so kind, ever so patient. Haruka, who couldn't choose his future because life dictated it from birth, was always smiling. His voice rang out; "When you can answer me, then you will, won't you?"
So this was a confession.
She nodded quietly, not quite functioning.
"Then I'll be waiting!" Rubbing his hands together, he blew out clouds of air and started to walk. Seemingly energised by bursts of quick courage, his smile was wider than she'd ever seen. His hand – a precious, beautiful thing – was held out. To her.
As was his ever giving way of speech, always to her. Honestly, "Let's head back now, but I'm so glad I got that off my chest. I'm so happy I could finally tell you, I feel like I'm just going to burst. It's a really great feeling."
"Hey, idiot," her own voice, "What if I end up rejecting you?"
She didn't know why. This question – useless.
Or was it a test?
"Hmm," He shrugged, turning around mid-step with bright eyes and a happy face. "Well, that's okay isn't it? As long as I can still see you, I'll be happy just being by your side. Even if we're just best friends."
Always, so ridiculous.
That's why she matched his stride, whacking him in the shoulder. "I can't believe you."
"You'll stay with me, won't you?"
Then she took his still outstretched hand.
"Whatever, it's a promise."
His hand, smooth and light, in hers, simply felt so right.
"Good morning, Takane!"
Such an enthusiastic greeting, it was expected.
"Yeah, yeah, you looked like you just rolled out of bed too."
But since she hated mornings, she could never give an enthusiastic reply.
Her mind too, was always crowded.
Weeks passed easily, and she never once let herself forget.
An answer, what was her answer?
"Takane, Takane, look at this! … oh, I dropped it! Sorry, could you get it for me?"
Was it too embarrassing to say?
"Here, and yes, okay, it's a nice picture. Now quit staring at me, it's freaking me out."
"Ah, I was staring at you? No, it's nothing. You look like you're in a good mood today is all. I'm glad."
Was it something he wouldn't want to hear?
"Argh, no, it's not … I'm not, I mean, you don't understand!"
"What? What do you mean I don't understand? Aren't you happy- aah, Takane, stop-"
At this rate, would she be able to reply or would she run on forever…
Forever sounded nice. Forever with Haruka.
She'd like that. Their own little forever.
But how to say that?
"Takane,"
"Shintaro,"
"What are you doing here?"
She sighed. How annoying. She let herself return to her game, hoping the younger would leave her be. He usually did. This time he didn't, and for some reason he looked worried. Or not.
Something other than arrogance on his face was probably a lie.
"What if Haruka gives up on you?"
Inquisitive.
Yet irritating.
She had no reply.
He continued to talk again, as if dismissing it. "Just a thought. What I really came to ask you about was that project you thought was a good idea, since it was your original plan…"
She tuned out.
What if Haruka gave up? She was scared.
How long will he wait? Not forever.
She can't have that forever, unless she had her answer.
But what to say?
"Even if you want so much to be with that person, sometimes you can't. Sometimes you will want to scream at them and cry because of them, but sometimes you will want nothing more than to hold them tight and tell them it's alright." That girl, she was struggling not to cry herself. "But in the end, sometimes there are things you just can't do."
Agreeing, she nodded.
However,
Takane allowed a gentle smile. This was not her battle to fight. "You never know until you try."
And Ayano, she said, "I can't."
"Why?"
Why not? What was this situation called…
She felt like it was familiar.
"I'm sorry, I have to go."
Please wait.
Ayano, the answer was – could it be –
"Alright, but seriously." Takane patted her, the cheerful girl. "Think about yourself for once. Don't leave room for regrets, you know?"
"And you, then?"
And herself, what?
What did she want to say?
"I don't know. But don't worry about it."
Her final answer to Haruka –
Once she had it –
When to say it?
"Even though I am someone like this," she peered up through her lashes, shyly, "You don't think any less of me?"
"Of course not!" A warm feeling. "In fact, Takane, will you teach me how to play the games you like? I think it would be lots of fun!"
"Haruka…"
"Do your best for the rest of today, okay?"
"Mm, I will. T-thank you."
It had to be close.
Call it something like intuition.
The one who could barely work out mathematical problems – it was her – she would have to have an answer. Without maths involved, as preferred.
She asked one time, not expecting a reply. "How long will you wait?"
"As long as it takes for you to answer me properly." The reply. "I don't mind waiting if it's for you, haha."
And she hit him.
She had to have the answer somewhere.
To Haruka, who left his heart out in the open for all to see.
To Haruka, who told her "No matter what happens and no matter how much you change, I could never hate you."
To herself who hated herself, only sometimes.
To the sometimes she knew and to the forever she wanted.
To the answer that she couldn't say.
The answer he needed to hear -
She would find it soon.
But where?
Haruka was in the classroom.
The place they had met. Lit by the golden setting sun, an angel. Sleeping angel. Must be tired. Always with an unforeseen future, but always smiling. Must be tiring.
It was hard to imagine.
Nothing to do, so she sat beside him. Headphones on. Her own world. Thinking, 'would he notice?' If she stared a moment too long or if she pretended to sleep. Then 'did it matter?'
Because she was going to answer soon.
The classroom never had been this relaxing.
The music never sounded so beautiful.
This feeling – forever.
She wanted to cherish it forever.
Yet forever was a cruel, unfortunate moment of time.
Wanting forever, was much too much.
She fell asleep.
And when she woke up;
He was gone.
Hospital.
No heartbeat.
No last words.
No last wish.
No questions.
No answer.
So he'd never know.
He'd never know,
Her final answer –
And one,
She had,
Actually,
Known,
All,
Along.
The answer was so simple, and yet;
Her terrible, stubborn self;
Her dishonest,
Unruly self;
Couldn't even tell him, who loved her,
"I love you too"
…
Before it was,
Too late.