(Matt POV)
I sighed and stared at the worn white paper tacked to the wall, listing the teachers and their room numbers.
Emma Pillsbury...Guidance Counselor, 201.
I continue to stare at it, like it will magically change its letters to 'Matt, you don't need help! You can do this!' But I knew. I can't do this. I sigh once more, and trudge my ways down McKinley High's hallways. Every footstep echoed. The bells had rang only a few minutes ago, but everyone had a life, and everyone had somewhere to go. I had a date with the counselor.
She was in her office, cleaning her hands with those wet wipe things, and humming. I look up at the ceiling, and close my eyes. Sigh. I open the glass door(is everything just made of glass here? You can see through everything.)and silently slip into the very soft chair in front of the desk. It's a little too soft, and I sink in a bit. I suppose I'm supposed to be comfortable, but it makes me feel smaller. She looks up with those huge eyes, surprised.
"Hello..." I can see she's searching for the name. I'm used to it. Everyone remembers Mike, the loud dancer, but no one can remember the silent singer. "Matt!" She finally recognizes, and gives me a quasi apologetic smile.
"Hi, Miss P." I know she's not married.
"Why are you here, Matt?" She gives up on the smile, knowing I won't return it. I lean back in the now uncomfortable chair.
"I have some issues."
She nods slowly. "Okay. What's the biggest one, in your opinion?"
I know automatically, but I pretend to think about it really hard. After a few seconds, "I'm gay."
Her hand is shocked, and drops the wet wipe. She flusters, and hesitates before picking it up fro mthe dirty ground. "Oh, well, I have a pamphlet." I see her lunge for the 'I'm Experimenting And Not With Science!' pamphlet, and I stop her with my eyebrow raise.
"I'm not that kind of gay."
Now she's confused. "I'm sorry, Matt. By gay, do you mean, homosexual, or happy?"
I laugh. "No, I'm homosexual, don't doubt it. But I'm not the kind of 'so in the closet I'm in Narnia' gay. Mike knows. He didn't really care. Puck knows. It surprised me was that all he said was,'Just don't crush on me, I know it's hard.' I thought I would get beat up."
"Why would you tell him if you thought you would get beat up?"
"Not sure. Probably because I thought that if I told him before he found out, he wouldn't be so mad."
"Oh. Then what's your issue with being gay?"
"Well, I sort of lied. I don't have an issue with being gay, exactly, but I do have an issue of who I'm gay for." That was really awkwardly said. Miss Pillsbury is way out of her league with my problems. She just nods.
"Would it be too personal to ask who you're...um...'gay for'?" she asks. Could she be anymore not hip?
"Not at all." I say it as soon as she thinks it. "Kurt Hummel. Obvious." I shake my head, sighing. "The other gay kid. I mean, it would be more normal to love Finn. Everyone loves that guy. But no. After he taught me how to dance to 'Single Ladies', and I started tapping my foot and staring at him whenever I saw him, I kinda knew."
"Matt, why is this a problem? You seem like you're fine with being gay, Kurt doesn't seem like a bad place to start, and you don't seem particularly depressed."
I already know the answer. "Because I'm silent. Never had a solo in glee, never get called on in school, and nobody ever approaches me. I like being quiet. Kurt? Kurt Hummel? Out loud and proud, screams when he's angry, laughs out loud when he's happy, and sings so people can hear him. That's not me. I'm terrified that he doesn't even know who I am, because I've faded into the background."
(Emma's POV)
People may not think I'm the best counselor, because of all of my own problems, but I know an identity crisis when I see one. Poor Matt. He's gay and he can't say anything because if he does no one would hear him.
"You have some assertive problems, Matt."
"I know. I never stand up for myself, I've never said more than two sentences, and I can't even stand out in the smallest club ever."
"I could talk to Mr. Schue about getting you a solo..." I was stuck. I didn't know how to fix this.
His backpack is filthy, I'm noticing. Dirt covered. I could offer to wash his backpack, but I doubt that would help with his homosexual issues. Oh god. I have never dealt with homosexuality. Kurt had it all figured out for himself, I just needed to find out a way to stop the bullying. It's not like I ever...experimented. Well. Sorta. Becky Poole's surprise lesbian kiss in that very dirty summer camp of 8th grade was not experimenting if I had pushed her away with all my force. Her lips were do dirty! I had to wash them five times to get out the taste of her cheap drugstore lipgloss.
I'm a terrible counselor. I know that as I stare at the face of Matt, the quiet kid who just wanted to be the littlest bit known.
(Matt POV)
I blew air out of my puckered lips, and stared at the wall behind Miss P. "Look, I''m not sure this was what I should've done. Thanks anyways."
She had a desperate look in her eyes. She really wanted to help me. But she couldn't. Nobody could.
"Wait, Matt!" She said. I ignored her, and heaved my backpack over my shoulder. "Why don't you just say, hello?"
I pause. "What?"
She's relieved that she's making me stop. "Just say hello. You don't have to be huge. You don't have to shout that you're gay from the rooftops. I know it sounds stupid. But trust me, when you see Kurt, just say hello."
I turn around. I look at her huge eyes. She nodding. I'm nodding. I'm smiling. "Hey, thanks."
Then I leave. I walk out of the counselor's office.
The choir room is where I head. It's empty, thank god. No Rachel Berry trying to make herself feel better by singing her heart out. I'm about to have my solo.
"Get hot.
Get too close to the open flame." Louder, Matt. Loud. "TALK LIKE AN OPEN BOOK, GOT NO TIME TO TAKE A PICTURE GIMME SYMPATHY
SIGN ME UP.
I'LL REMEMBER SOMEDAY
ALL THE CHANCES WE TOOK
WE'RE SO CLOSE TO SOMETHING
BETTER LEFT UNKNOWN
AFTER ALL OF THIS IS GONE
WHO WOULD YOU RATHER BE,
THE BEATLES OR THE ROLLING STONES
OH SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE MISTAKES, YOU'RE YOUNG-"
"Hi, Matt." I pause, about to launch into the chorus. Oh, shit. I slowly turn around. Oh no. Kurt Hummel is standing there. Has he been listening the entire time? He's wearing a cashmere scarf and a beret. Doesn't he get hot? No, I don't mean he's hot as in sexy, even though- Argh. I can't seem to speak. He continues. "Is that Gimme Sympathy by Metric? That is sung by a girl. But I suppose since it's rock, that's fine. Who am I to talk? I was going to just find my glove that I lost, but If I'm interrupting..."
There's so much I want to say. 'You like Metric? Didn't think it was your cup of tea' or 'what does the glove look like' or 'oh god I love you'. But I'm still, silently, cheering over the fact that he knows my name. He knows my name.
He raises an eyebrow, and I shrug noncommittally. That's an answer for anything. A shrug. He nods.
"Well, it sounded good. You should get more solos." Then he's gone.
I stand there.
Unmoving.
Then I speak.
"Hello." I'm speaking to an empty choir.
I sink to the floor, head in my hands.
My life is so fucked.
A/N: So, yeah. Finally made a Matt story. This is a one shot, but once I'm done with my other two glee multi chaps, I'll take a whack at a full story. If I get reviews, of course.