AN: This is an AUish story of what happened to Jasper after Bella's birthday party in New Moon. It is from Jasper's point of view and will deal with what happened in Ithaca during the months that the Cullens lived there. In this story, Alice doesn't exist (I love Alice, but this story came intact without her, so what can I do?). Jasper is a lot like what Edward was like before he met Bella. I'm going to try to stick as closely to the mythology created in Twilight as I can, sorry if I mess it up.
--
September 25th
It had been almost two weeks since he had left. Since he had run away. There was no one looking for him, he knew that. He knew that it shouldn't hurt that no one came after him. After all, who would want to after what he'd done? He'd endangered everyone, most especially Edward's girlfriend, Bella. In a split second he had forgotten all that his family built and almost managed to take away forever the one thing his brother would have given his life to defend.
Jasper stopped running again as the guilt overwhelmed him. It came in waves, each one making him cringe as it crashed over him. In that split second at the birthday party he had destroyed all the trust and faith that his new family had placed in him. All of the years of restraint and tolerance he had built up completely gone. It didn't matter that he never actually got to Bella, if Emmett and Rosalie and Edward hadn't been there he probably would have. He grimaced. It had taken almost his whole family working against him to get him to stop.
Jasper began running again. He wasn't going back to Forks. Carlisle and Esme had left countless messages on his cell phone. They were gone. The whole family had picked up and moved to Ithaca, a small city in central New York, after what he, Jasper, had done. Because of what he had done his family had to leave their home and Edward had to be separated from Bella.
Jasper had been working up the courage to go back and face them for days now. Not only was he dreading the looks of disappointment in Carlisle's and Esme's faces, but he didn't think the pain of Edward's separation from Bella was something he could withstand, especially knowing it was all his fault.
All his fault.
The voicemails Carlisle left sounded kind and sincere, of course. "Come home to us, Jasper. This is a setback, nothing more. No one here blames you and we want you back with us. We can work through this. Esme and I miss you."
He missed his family too, desperately, but he couldn't let himself come home for selfish reasons. In the end it was the awareness of his own cowardice that drove him to head east for New York. The military man in him wouldn't allow the running away to continue. He knew he had to go back and face any punishment that was coming his way. He had to apologize for uprooting his family. He had to make amends to Edward for his "mistake," as Carlisle had called it. What a euphemism.
--
It was nighttime when Jasper arrived in Ithaca. The house was easy to find. It was a large seventeenth century mansion on the east side of Cayuga Lake. It was a cold night and the sky was surprisingly clear, allowing the moonlight to shine down on the already orange and red leaves of the trees. Jasper remembered how early the autumn came to this part of the country. He climbed the steps of the porch quickly and knocked on the door before he could come up with reasons not to.
Immediately the door flung open and Jasper saw a very angry looking Rosalie. In the next instance he felt her anger radiating off her. It was mixed with a small, almost insignificant amount of relief.
"It's about time," she said curtly and stood back to let him enter.
"Is that Jasper?" he heard Esme call from upstairs. Suddenly, Carlisle, Esme and Emmett were all in the hallway. Jasper had not experienced so much conflicting emotion from so many people before. He felt stuck in place, not sure which emotion to act on. Everyone in front of him, with the exception of Rosalie, was feeling such a mixture of happiness and grief that he was almost crippled by it.
Emmett came forward and wrapped him in a quick but hearty bear hug.
"Good to have you home, Jasper."
Esme wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his chest. "Jasper! I'm so happy to see you. I can't tell you how much I've missed you. I'm so glad you came back to us."
It took everything Jasper had not to shrug away from her. He didn't deserve this kind of homecoming, not after what he'd done. He deserved much worse than this.
Carlisle wrapped an arm around his shoulders and led him into a large room that faced the lake. Jasper could see the lights from the city on the left and the moonlight shining off the surface of the water. It was beautiful view.
Turning, he saw that Carlisle was the only one who had come in here with him.
"They don't want to see me," Jasper stated, matter-of-factly.
Carlisle frowned. "Not at all. We are all glad to have you back. Even Rosalie. Especially Rosalie. No one wants us all to be together again more than her."
Jasper stiffened. "Carlisle. It's my fault. I'm so sorry."
"Jasper," Carlisle stepped towards him, concern in his eyes. "There is no fault."
"Don't act like I did nothing wrong," Jasper growled.
"You made-"
"Yes, yes, I made a mistake," Jasper interrupted, his voice raised. "You've said that before. I think this is a little beyond a mistake. I almost killed her, Carlisle! I almost killed Bella! How could I have done that to Edward? How could I have destroyed so much in such a small amount of time?"
Jasper felt another wave of sadness wash over him. Carlisle looked at him with concern. "The circumstances were out of your control, Jasper. Nobody blames you."
"They should have been under my control. I should have been able to handle that. A paper cut!" Jasper whirled around to face out the window again. "And I'm sure that Edward blames me for almost killing his girlfriend."
Carlisle was quiet for a moment and Jasper again felt another crippling wave of sadness engulf him. It was both Carlisle's and his own. "Edward blames himself for putting you and Bella in that situation," Carlisle whispered.
Jasper groaned and wrapped his head in his hands. "Of course he does. Of course he does!"
Spinning around, he started to yell. "Well, where is he then? Maybe we can fight over who is more at fault here. Him? Him, for finding someone who makes him happy? For having the courage to tell her what we are? For bringing her home to celebrate her birthday with his family?" Jasper began stalking around the room, knocking into the furniture that Esme had, no doubt, furnished at the last minute.
"The only thing I can blame him for is trusting me enough not to act like a complete monster." He grabbed a table in his hands and smashed it into kindling.
Emmett and Esme burst through the door at that moment and Jasper could feel the confusion and sorrow overwhelming him again. He couldn't even tell how much of it was his own and how much of it belonged to the other people in the room. This was the overwhelming sadness that he was dreading. He was being suffocated by it.
He glared at Carlisle as he stalked towards him. He saw Emmett take a defensive step in Carlisle's direction and, clenching his fists, he forced himself to calm down.
Esme's eyes were glistening with tears. "Oh, Jasper," she whispered.
He looked down, shamed by his own anger. He couldn't escape it, he felt like the guilt was drowning him, and no one could pull him up. It had to stop. He had to find a way to end the suffering and the quickest way out that he could see was to go through. "Please," he begged. "Punish me."
"What?" he heard Esme gasp.
He looked up at Carlisle and Emmett, who now stood next to him, confusion written across his usually happy face.
"Punish me. I can't—I can't take it."
Absolute silence filled the room as Jasper's family stared at him. He couldn't understand why they didn't realize what a terrible thing he had done to them. They all felt sorrow, he could feel that, but it was all sorrow for him. They were sorry that he was feeling guilty.
Carlisle moved towards Jasper, slowly and carefully. "We won't punish you. We know you feel badly about what you did and if there was any way you could have stopped yourself we know you would have. What we can do is help you to make sure it never happens again."
Jasper looked at Carlisle desperately. "Thank you. But… at least let me apologize. I need to make amends. To you all. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I wasn't more careful with your trust, that I didn't work harder... I'm sorry that you all had to leave Forks because of me."
"What?" Emmett asked. "We didn't leave Forks because of you."
"What are you talking about?"
"We left Forks because Edward said we had to. He insisted. He thought he was putting Bella in too much danger. It was his idea."
"It was still because of what I did, Emmett. That doesn't change anything."
Jasper stood stock still, trying to sort out what to do next. "Do you… do you think he'd want to see me? Edward, I mean. Do you think he'd want to hear what I have to say?"
Jasper felt the sadness return in full force and he frantically searched his family's faces. "What? You think I should stay away from him? You're right, he probably doesn't even want to-"
"No, Jasper, I'm sure he would like to know how you're doing," Carlisle reassured. "It's just that… we don't know where he is."
"What?"
"He's gone," Esme answered. "We left Forks and then… he left us. We haven't heard from him in over a week."
Jasper's mouth tightened. He really had broken up his family. He sped towards the front door.
"No!" cried Esme. "Jasper, please, don't go." She grabbed his hand and held it tightly.
Jasper shook her off gently. "I'm not going away. I just—I just need to run. I'll be back Esme, I promise."
Jasper took off into the woods surrounding the house, into the darkness under the trees.
--
September 26th
Jasper returned late the next day, after wrestling with the idea of going after Edward. He mentioned it to Carlisle, who told him that Edward had been upfront with all of them about leaving and had asked to be left alone. Jasper could understand that.
What he couldn't understand was how Edward had been able to leave Bella. Jasper saw and felt how devastated Edward was when they discovered that James had lured Bella away. He knew that Edward loved her very much and cared for her happiness over his own. But Jasper couldn't understand how Edward could just leave.
Jasper knew that Edward had a remarkable amount of self-control and self-discipline. He saw it everyday in his relationship with Bella. How Edward could refuse to be swayed by Bella's scent, he could refuse to endanger her, even if it meant giving up the only thing that ever made him truly happy. Not that he would ever have had to make that decision if it hadn't been for Jasper's hedonistic reaction to the smell of Bella's blood.
Jasper also had daily proof in Carlisle, who put himself in front of temptation everyday by choosing to save the people nature dictated he should be killing.
Why then, with so many strong examples of the right path to take, was Jasper finding it so difficult? He had been a disciplined man. A military man. Why didn't he have the strength of character now, as a vampire, that he seemed to have had as a human?
He shuddered to think that it was a character flaw. That, as a human, he had succeeded so well in the army because being a part of the army was the only way he could satisfy his bloodlust. As a vampire, he had a greater need for it and a greater ability to satisfy it but no moral justification. Not that he could call war a moral justification for what he had done. Carlisle certainly would not have called it that.
Really, the Bella incident had just shown Jasper that he wasn't making as good progress as he thought. Certainly, he didn't begin hunting the moment he caught the scent of human blood. He could be in a room of humans and not harm a single one. But that wasn't a real test of self-control. The real test had been when Bella had cut herself. And he had failed.
He was more than a century and a half old! There must be a way for him to control the animal urge. It was a weakness he could not afford, not when he had finally found a family like the Cullens.
Jasper found Carlisle and Emmett in the house. Carlisle looked up as he came in. "You're back."
The house felt calm. Rosalie and Esme were not there, probably out hunting. Jasper went to stand by the window. It was fast becoming his favorite place in the house. "This is a beautiful house," he said.
"Esme is trying to restore it. She saw it as we were running by and has almost finished it, I believe. I think she's going to try to get a couple more houses in the area fixed as well. There are a lot of great old houses in the area that are almost dilapidated from neglect."
Jasper nodded again and turned to face them. "So what's our story here? What are we doing?"
Carlisle smiled. "Well, we haven't come up with anything concrete. I'm going to be working nights at Cayuga Medical. I'm thinking about teaching a few classes at Cornell. Emmett, have you and Rosalie decided what you're going to do?"
Emmett frowned and Jasper felt a surge of grief again. He was beginning to realize how deeply his family was hurting. If only he had Edward's gift then he could figure out why they were hurting so much. Maybe he could do something about it. As it was, he could only swear that he would never do anything to jeopardize their happiness again.
"I'm not sure. I think we're going to take some time away, but we won't be gone long. A couple of weeks is all. Rosalie won't want to stay away for very long, especially if Edward comes home."
This time it was Carlisle's turn to frown. Jasper turned away again, unable to look at the pain in their faces. Yesterday he had demanded punishment from his family for what he'd done and they had refused, but this was punishment enough. Seeing them all so unhappy, feeling them mourning the loss of Edward and not being able to do anything about it was a kind of punishment he hadn't thought of. Their grief was heavy on his shoulders, but he would bear it. He resolved to do whatever he could do to lighten their load.
He knew that what Carlisle and Esme loved most was their family. If Emmett and Rosalie were leaving, even if only for a few weeks, he couldn't just leave his parents by themselves. He had to stay.
"What should I do?" Jasper asked Carlisle. "What would be best for us?"
"What do you want to do?"
"I want to be better, Carlisle. I want to be able to control myself."
For the first time since he had left Forks Jasper felt a whisper of hope. It was coming from Carlisle and Jasper stared at him with wide eyes. The feeling was small but Jasper clung to it. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply as if he could smell it. It had been so long since he had felt anything but total despair. The breeze of hope coming off of Carlisle was intoxicating.
"I was thinking about that, and I wonder if you might be interested in going to class. Cornell?" Jasper could tell that Carlisle was proceeding cautiously. He was making sure that Jasper would be the one to make this decision for himself and not because he thought it was what Carlisle wanted.
"College?" Jasper asked, curious about what Carlisle had in mind. Being in a classroom full of humans was not a new challenge, but maybe Carlisle's plan for him involved starting over again, with familiar territory, going over the little things that he had maybe missed before.
"Jasper, you've heard me say before that the decision to live the way we do is not an easy one to make. There are, of course, enormous physical obstacles to overcome, but I believe the true challenge lies in overcoming the mental obstacles."
Jasper's face fell, shame overcoming him. Of course. Carlisle had realized Jasper's greatest fear. His lack of control was indicative of a weakness in his character.
"You can't give up, Jasper. I know you are able to overcome this. Which is why I think that you should study philosophy."
Jasper's head snapped back up. What? Philosophy? "What?" he echoed aloud.
"Philosophy is not an easy discipline and it requires a fair amount of soul searching. It deals with ethics, morality, justice, and existence. I think that this will begin to train your mind and start you thinking about your self-control in terms other than physical. Not only that, but the constant practice of being with humans can't help but reinforce your resolve.
Jasper saw the wisdom in Carlisle's plan but felt his resolve falter. "But… I'll be alone. Edward and Emmett and Rosalie won't be there to make sure I don't…" He couldn't finish the thought.
Carlisle put a hand on Jasper's shoulder. "I understand. But I will be on campus most of the time you are, and I think that taking away your brothers and sister as a safety net would—"
Jasper growled. "A safety net, Carlisle?! But these are people! I could kill someone!"
"You won't kill anyone! Jasper," Carlisle stared him down, "I know you are strong enough to overcome this."
"I wasn't before. If it hadn't been for Emmett—"
"None of us have any idea of what would have happened had no one been there to restrain you. It's not worth thinking about. I think it's time to start holding you to a higher standard. If you really want to overcome your hunger, Jasper, then you are going to have to start holding yourself to higher standard as well."
Jasper could hear the steely resolve in Carlisle's voice. He had never heard Carlisle speak this way before. Usually Carlisle was so compassionate and understanding but all Jasper could hear was a tone of voice that reminded him eerily of one of his commanding officers from decades ago, before he was a vampire.
Jasper glanced at Carlisle, who was looking as serious as a heart attack and then behind him to Emmett whose eyes were wide with surprise. No doubt Emmett had never heard Carlisle speak this way before either.
But something in Jasper clicked. His formative years had been spent in the military, following orders, leading men and trying to achieve greatness through dignity and loyalty. This was what he needed to hear. Carlisle was right. He had to train not only his body, but his mind as well, just like he had to in the army.
"Yes…" he had to try not to add 'sir' after his answer. "You're right. I'll get started on it right away."