Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT or Jack Daniels
A/N: I hope that you like this story. Believe it or not this idea came to me when I was watching a History Channel documentary on alcohol. Three straight hours of different types! Just as a warning to you guys this story (obviously) deals with alcoholic beverages, specifically my husband's favorite which is Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey (it burns sometimes!). I'm just letting you guys know that I DO NOT support underage drinking or drinking and driving or anything of the sort...so don't alert me for nothin'! Plus hangovers suck. This is my first attempt at purposely writing humor, before it all sort of came out. Let me know how it is. Please enjoy the story peoples! Don't forget me in the reviews!
Oneshot
Shots
"I don't like your attitude Raphael!"
Man! Can't he ever shut up! "Look, Leo, I don't want to go to that stupid thing anyway! Why don't you just leave without me! Leave me in some friggin peace!"
He looked startled at that. I guess that he wasn't expecting that. Understandably. It wasn't everyday that you found the perfect spot to observe a New York Yankees game unnoticed. At first I was kinda excited about it. But Hell, baseball isn't really my game anyway. I prefer hockey or football. Some type of contact sport where the players risk the chance of physical injury. Hell, even soccer can be kinda bloody. No, in this case I think that I'll skip the sports in favor of getting away from our nagging 'fearless leader' for a while.
"What did you say? C'mon, Raphy! It'll be fun! April's bringing popcorn and cotton candy! No one can beat cotton candy!" Mikey pleaded.
I just had to grin. "Naw. Sorry Mikey. Baseball's not really my thing. You go have fun though."
"Are you sure you don't want to come along Raphael?" Leo asked again.
Don saved me from almost punching him by interjecting "Leo, just let him stay. After all, if he's in a bad mood it'll spoil the fun for the rest of us."
I grinned at that. "Think of it as some alone-training time."
Now that got through to Leo even if everything else didn't. He decided. "Alright."
Just to prove the fearless leader right I waved them goodbye and headed for the dojo. I swear I could feel Leo gloating behind me but I just gritted my teeth and bore it. Just have to put up with it for a little longer...
"Enjoy the sports game, my sons." Master Splinter wished them goodbye.
So my brothers joined April at the entrance and headed off.
Still feeling a little peeved, I thwacked the puncing bag around for a little while, trying to imagine it as Leo's fat head. hehehe
After a while I took a break for some water and TV time. Splinter appeared by the couch as he headed for his room. "I believe that I will retire early tonight, Raphael. Please wish good-night to your brothers for me."
I looked after him. "Sure, Sensei. G'night."
He smiled as he walked into his room and closed the door.
No sooner had he left than Casey appeared at the entrance, holding some grocery bags. "Hey Raph!" He boomed.
"Man, bonehead! Shut up! Sensei's trying to sleep!"
He looked sheepish for a moment and tip-toed over to me, going way overboard with the whole 'quiet' thing. Man, what a bonehead!
He plopped down on the couch beside me and hefted his big feet up on the coffee table. "So, whatcha watchin?"
I stared at him. "Aren't you supposed to be at the ball game?"
He grimaced. "Hell no! Baseball's not my thing. I mean, when's the last time you saw any of those players bleed because of sports-related injuries?"
Scratching my chin, I replied "I don't really believe that that question deserves an answer."
He stuck his tongue out at me. Big mistake. Quick as a flash, I grabbed hold of his tongue. "You should know better than to mess with me, Casey!"
"Whuuuh nuyun noin!"
I laughed uproariously. Man he was hilarious sometimes!
He tried to sock me in the stomach and I managed to dodge while still holding his tongue, laughing. Suddenly he pounced on me and it slipped out of my grasp. Before I knew it, it turned into a wrestling match.
Going to my back he tried to get a hold of my shell and hold me down. Of course that wouldn't work. I flipped and tried to lock my legs around his waist to pin him down. Slippery little eel that he is he slid out. He attempted to get me in a headlock but by now he should know that never works for me.
Eluding his grasp I rolled him on top of my. I locked his left arm in my legs and his right in my arms. Suddenly he found himself unable to move either arm. Being the stubborn bonehead he is he tried to kick his way out, even though I was nowhere near his feet, and tried to free his arms, even though I'm stronger than the pansy.
Finally he admitted defeat and cried out "uncle."
Snickering loudly I released him. Only to have him try to pounce on me again. Simple flick of the foot and I tripped him flat on his face. This is too good!
"C'mon, Casey! You should know by now that you can't beat me at anything!"
He glared at me, then a wicked grin flashed his face. Why was it that that grin made me uneasy? "Not anything!"
I cocked my head at him curiously as he scrambled to his shopping bags. Casey can be such a bonehead.
Out of the bags he produced three glass bottles. Prancing over he slammed them on the coffee table. I looked at the label. It was Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey. What the Hell!
Pointing to the bottles, he boasted. "I could outdrink anyone I've met!" looking straight into my eyes he made a bet, his chest swelling with pride. "I'll bet that I can outdrink you!"
Well now. Aren't we in a fine predicament? I've honestly never drank anything in my life, except for a few beers at Casey. And those were the cheap-o kinds with more fizz than spirits. Plus it was over several hours. Something told me that Casey wasn't going to give me as much time to get the alcohol through my system. "How?" I asked.
Immediately he ran to our kitchen. Digging through the cupboards he produced two tiny teacups that no one really ever uses. He slammed those down on the table next to the bottles. "Shots!" He grinned. "Once every 1-5-10 minutes, depending on how you can handle it!"
Man, I didn't know about that one. I mean if Master Splinter found out...Hell. If any of my brothers found out, I'd never hear the end of it!
"Whatsa matta, huh Raphy-boy! Ya chicken!" He began to strut around on bent knees like a plucked rooster, flapping his arms like wings, bobbing his head and making exaggerated chicken sounds.
My blood began to boil.
"Shut up Case!" I warned him.
He responded by making the chicken sounds louder and bobbing his head inches from my face. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists. That little snot nosed... "Shut up! You want a bet? It's a bet! You're on!"
He immediately stopped his chicken dance and plopped down on the chair next to me. We both leaned over closer to the coffee table in anticipation. I looked over at him, he grinned like a schoolboy. Suddenly I wondered if this was the right decision. I mean, that was a lot of booze, and he most likely has abigger alcohol tolerance than me...
Hell! He can't get away with that! Didn't Donny say once about 'the bigger you are the more you can take' or something like that. I might not be as tall, but I'm just as big as this bonehead. He's not living this one down!
Casey reached over for the first bottle (man, big bottles!) and poured one into each of the tiny cups. We both picked up one and held it up in anticipation. The strong, somewhat spicy odor hit my sensitive snout like a hammer. Woah.
"Down!"
Immediately we both tipped the tiny cups and washed the whiskey down the gullet. I gasped for air. Shit! I wasn't expecting that! Do people really drink this stuff volunarily! It took me a good ten seconds for me to take a single breath, and once I did, I guess my insides just then realized that they'd been scorched beyond repair. I swear my eyes were almost watering. Shit!
I saw Casey grinning at me and tried to regain my composure. After all, there was pride on the line for this one!
At least I learned a lesson, don't swallow so recklessly, if that makes any sense at all.
"Down!"
Cripes! Has it been ten minutes already! Or maybe it was five, or one. Maybe somewhere in between the last too. I'm pretty sure it was just a matter of seconds though. No more than twenty...
The second time burned just as fiercly as the first one. Once again I had to gasp for air like I was breathing booze and not air. Maybe it was the fumes...
Casey downed his an leaned back, crossing his arms with a big "Aaaaaaaah!" a grin plastered on his ugly face. I glowered at him, steeling my resolve. No way in hell he was winning this one!
"Down!"
Ugh.
"Down!"
Ah, he's doing one minute! I counted this time! He must be hoping that I'll crack from the pressure, well, fat chance. Hey, this one doesn't burn as bad...
"Down!"
I began to get an odd feeling in my head and I surprised myself with an audible giggle. What the Hell! The look Casey was giving me was priceless... hehehe. Priceless! That's a credit card, right? I snickered, thinking of commercials.
"Down!"
That one came easy. Man, this was getting kinda enjoyable! Casey doesn't look so hot, either! He was beating his chest with one fist, leaning over. Probably trying to get rid of some gas or something. Teeheehee! Gas!
"D-down!"
I pour another for both of us and we both drink it, maybe we can call it, down x 2! That's mathematics, there! Yup! Wow, this is great!
8888888888888888
Hhahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaha! Time passes flyingly when you're having fun! Wait, that makes toooooo much sense. Cents. Sense. Scents? Hehehe.
I looked at the bottle, and swung my heavy head over to Casey. He grinned at me lopsidedly. "Uh, Casiiiy?"
"Huh?"
"We have a problem." I slurred. "We only have one most-lee full bottle left!"
He gasped. "Where'd all the others go?"
I shook my head sadly. Then giggled at the great spinning sensation it produced. Man, this was so cool!
He wrinkled his head and stared at the bottles, thinking hard. Then he perked up so fast it caught him off balance and he flopped back in the chair. He grinned at me. "I know! Time took-em! It's almost half hour, or hour cut in half. Either. I don't know. I'm a retard."
Now did that sounded strange to me, after all who ever heard of someone named Time? "Did you see'em?"
"See who?"
"TIME!"
This was another cause for deep thought. I joined in and we sat there, leaning over the table like the genius living in the attic. hehehe. We feed him old fish heads!
We both jerked up at the same time. This time, my balance was caught wanting. A huge wave of dizziness hit me and before I knew it I had sunk into the chair. Man it was soft.
"Case!"
"Hmm?"
"I think I know where Time is!"
He perked up at that and whispered "Where is he ole' buddy?"
With all seriousness I pointed across the Lair. "There!" I whispered.
"Why?"
"I remember! He missed it! Time was supposed to go an hour after he did!" It was true. The old rat disobeyed time, what better candidate?
"Isn't he your Daddy?"
Suddenly a realization struck me. "Father Time! He's my father! He has to be it!"
His face perked up. He understood. "Let's get him!"
This was a grand idea. No one was going to steal our stuff and get away with it.
"Don't forget the other bottle, we don't want him getting that too!"
"Right, pal!"
"OK, buddy!
I got up slowly and steadily. Something told me that I had to. It was really funny. The whole world was spinning. Probably trying to stop me from taking my revenge on Time. Well, let me tell you, it sure is hard walking when you don't really know where the ground is. Especially when things move around on you. I mean, I managed two steps, then the lawn chair that was somewhere else before suddenly jumped in front of me.
My arms cartwheeled but for some reason I just couldn't stop the step. My foot hit the metal of the foot of the lawn chair, causing the back to flip up and punch me on the chin.
Ah HAH! One of Time's minions! I'll take care of you!
I pounced on the thing. My fingers grapped the fabric and ripped it, I threw my shell against it and bent the metal. I even applied my razor sharp fangs to the thing!
Well, it gave one Hell of a fight, but who can beat me? No one! Hahahahaha! Sporting only a bunch or so bruises I threw what was left of the thing behind the couch.
Unfortunately, Time had yet to stop the world from spinning.
We only fell three times making our way across the place, then I realized something: there's water here!
Of course, I didn't realize it until the blasted stuff suddenly moved in front of me like that friggin lawn chair. One moment I have solid ground under my foot, the next...
I fell in, then I could feel it pulling me. Frantically I splashed while I gripped the side of the pool, trying to beat the water into resistance. It was no use. The stuff kept on surrounding me. It was going to attack at any second! All hope was lost!
Then there was Casey. "I'll help you ol' buddy!"
He gripped my arm with both hands and pulled as I was pulling. I got out, but I accidently pulled him in. Oops! He hit with a splash and immediately began floundering, gripping the side and beating at the water. I felt sorry for him. Why was he doing that? I couldn't help but laugh. Man, he sure did look funny!
Then something caught my eye. What was that?
I picked up the box, ignoring the splashes and sputters behind me. My vision was so cool, it was like magnified and moving at the same time!
The box was filled with discs. Shiny ones in DVD cases. Weapons!
I staggered-ran over to Casey who was hanging from the bridge, trying to heave himself up. I showed him the box. "I found discus!"
He glared at me and knocked it out of my hand. The entire box fell in the water and then the water ate it up. I shot him a look. "What'ya do that for!"
"Jerk! You killed me!"
"No I didn't!"
"Yes you did!"
"Prove it!" I challenged.
He had to think on that one.
Then I realized something. "Case, where's the bottle!"
A look of fleeting panic crossed his face and he stammered "I-I don't know!"
Panicking, I looked around. Then I spied the remainder of the bottle. I decided that I couldn't let Case have it, he must be drunk or something! Immediately I ran for it.
Case screamed "NO! It's mine! Don't touch it!" I could hear his soaked shoes slapping the ground. He's chasing me!
I dove and slid across the floor. Snatching the bottle I continued my slide right into some paper doors. Doors!
I slid them open and came inside. There was a huge rat sleeping on a mattress. I gasped. It was Time! He's going to steal my bottle!
Suddenly Casey came through the open doors and made a lunge for the bottle. Of course, I couldn't let him have it! He'd just lose it!
We both wrestled for the bottle, like two grapplers. Then Casey's wet hands got a hold of it and it slipped right out like a bar of soap.
We both watched it in horror as it flew through the air. Slowly we tried to reach for it, in fact we both lunged into the air to try and catch it.
We missed.
The bottle crashed against the wall, spilling spirits everywhere. The room was immediately filled with the reeking stench of the booze.
Our mid-air lunge wasn't done either. We both landed directly on Time's mattress!
That thing musta been bouncy. We landed on the opposite side of Time, but I guessthe mattress thought otherwise. It bounced Time straight into the air and clear across the room. Now ask me, have I ever seen a rat fly? hehehe Dumbo.
He bounced on his rump and looked at us baffled. "Raphael! Jones! What on Earth are you doing!" His nose wrinkled and he made a face. "What is that stench!" He dared a sniff. Hiseyes lit in recognition and a really scary look I remember well from childhood-fatherly wrath. "RAPHAEL!"
"RUN FOR IT!"
We both scrambled out of there so fast that we were literally tripping over ourselves. Man, some parts of human anatomy sure are bony!
Then we discovered that going up steps is much easier than going down them.
When we found out that the floor went down we fell, bowling over each other. Man did we roll! We were like bouncy balls!
We crashed into something and a screen crashed on the floor next to us. It exploded with a loud shattering bang.
I don't know exactly what it is about our present condition, but we heard that sound all the way to the tips of our toes! It rattled us, shocked us, just plain hurt!
Yelling from the sound and to try and die out Time's yelling we tried to regain our feet.
Apparently, it's not good to roll around when the world is already spinning about you. We both toppled down in a messy heap. Jabbing and poking each other we managed to disentangle ourselves.
Casey tried to regain his feet and fell on his ass again.I opted for the safe approach and scuttled across the floor on all fours like a crab. Hey, this is kinda fun!
Uh oh! Time is almost on me! Better make a run for it!
"WHAT THE SHELL IS GOING ON HERE!"
I kept right on scuttling, giggling madly. They would never catch me! Run and run as fast as they can, they can never catch me, I'm the turtle man!
"Ack! My DVD collection! Where is it!"
"What the shell happened to my computer! Do any of you realize how hard it is to find one of these intact!"
"Casey, get up! Where's Raphael! I'm gonna kill him! ... Master Splinter?"
"Man, Sensei! You stink!"
I closed the door of the dojo and giggled maniacly. They would never catch me! Now, to block their entrance!
I spied some swords and scuttled over to them (crabs are cool!). Snatching them I tried to wedge them between the door. The sharp part goes in pretty good...hey! These things are bouncy!
With the sharp tip imbedded in the floor between the dojo and them, I hung my body weight on about three of them. The feeling of bouncy was cool! Almost like...weightless!
They snapped like twigs.
It was at that moment that I realized that the doors slid open, not open like regular doors. Ya think I would've remembered that!
The doors slid open and and my entire family glared at me. Then Leo spied the swords and his face went white. Or is it mint green? Can we turn white? Wonder what he's so upset about!
I spied Casey curled up in a little ball at Aprils feet getting scolded. hehehe Wuss!
Suddenly my family advanced and I felt my first tremor of fear as I scooted back until my shell hit the wall.
"Raphael, can you tell me what you did wrong?"
I thought for a moment. "Shots!" I grinned at him.
"Now, what do you say?"
Suddenly they advanced and I said the first thing that came to mind.
"Ouch?"
8888888888888888888888888888
A/N: I know, lame ending. Sorry about that! Please review and let me know what you think. And please don't say anything about Raph being out of character, you must remember the state he's in! Toodles!