His nightmares were usually in the same vein.
Tonight, he watched with morbid fascination as his family happily sat at a round dining table, nicely decorated and filled with food, like New Years' dinner. Kouji, his brother, who's face was lit up like a star, was warm and bright and soft and open. Kousei, Papa, looking unassuming, even smiling, like the ideal father should. His face was worn but gently so - the glasses sitting on his face heightened his sense of wisdom. Satomi, his step-mothering, tittering sweetly and giving loving glances towards Kousei and keeping up an amicable dinner conversation. Tomoko, his mother, quiet but happy, exchanging pleasantries with everyone, being included and radiating love and happiness. She didn't look tired, just content. Even Kanna, his grandmother, alive and well and cracking jokes and being generally energetic and stubborn like the lively women Kouichi had always known.
The table they all sat around was aglow with a light all its own, yellow and orange and warm. It was picture-perfect. But, it was a picture that Kouichi didn't seem to be apart of. He was on the outskirts, looking in on the scene, floating aimlessly on the sidelines in the cold darkness. The picture was like a fire - warming him up on the outside, but he couldn't get close enough to touch, lest he be burned.
At their happy faces, Kouichi smiled. He'd never seen such contentment, such amicability between all of them. His family. His everything.
His own smile, in that moment, was even brighter than Koujis.
Slowly… his mind realized he was being excluded. He tried to venture closer, towards their light, but he seemed unable to press into the picture. Their happy little experience was all wrapped up in this beautiful bubble that Kouichi couldn't break through. The hurt was slow, Kouichi's face turning worried, but stubbornly refusing to drop the hopeful smile.
"Mom…" he tried. "Mom, it's me. Grandma… Papa…. Kouji…" Bright blue eyes, mirrors of the other boy's, tried to catch his gaze. But Kouji was in his own little world and Kouichi was alone. "Kouji," he wished for his brother to turn around, glance at him— anything! Acknowledge that he existed. "I'm here! Kouji…!"
But in his dream, in their world, he was nothing. A shadow to be brushed off. And he wanted to cry.