Disclaimer: Harry Potter does not belong to me. All recognizable quotes come directly from pg 806-807, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. by JK Rowling and Arthur A. Levine Books. Neither does the song "I'll Be Missing You." If they did, I would be making millions, not sitting at my desktop writing this lol.
Summary:
Remus holds Harry back at the Department of Mysteries. But that doesn't mean his grief is any less.
"I'll Be Missing You"
Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show.
I lay the tracks you'd lock the flow.
So far from hanging on the block for dough.
"He's gone, Harry. He's gone."
But the words sounded even hallow to my own ears. There were no comforting words, no panacea that could take away the aching yet familiar disbelief. I knew the grieving process quite well by now. First, was absolute denial. Then, heart-wrenching and devastating pain. Followed by anger before finally just plain grief.
They were wrong. Acceptance never comes. Just sadness in that you are alone, that they are in a better place than you probably are.
Notorious they got to know that
Life ain't always what it seems to be
"NO! NO! HE'S RIGHT THERE! RIGHT BEHIND THAT VEIL!"
No Harry, he's not. He's gone, forever. He's no longer here. He's somewhere else where in my mind is filled with the dead. He'll probably be with your parents, Harry. Another guardian angel just for you.
Harry turned to me, desperation and confusion in his eyes. I knew he wanted to ask me why I was still holding him back, why wasn't I helping to rescue Sirius. But I knew just like everyone in this room that there was nothing I could ever do to bring back this boy's beloved godfather. There was no way I could somehow wake up from this horrible nightmare. I was stuck.
'You'll be the last one,' Sirius once said to me when he was drunk. 'James and I are going to go out fast, you know. We won't think things through. And well, Peter…'
'Don't be ridiculous. None of us are going anywhere. Besides, you don't need to think things through; that's what I'm there for,' I had replied. Death during Hogwarts had frightened me. Not the death of myself, for I used to believe that perhaps I deserved to die for being a monster, but the death of all those I had loved.
Words can't express what you mean to me.
Even though you're gone, we're still a team.
Through your family, I'll fulfill your dreams
"What are you doing, Professor? Can't you see? He's just behind that veil. We just have to get him. He needs our help!"
The most permanent things in life are the ones that shock you the most. Birth of a child, death of a lover or a parent: these things change you irrevocably. They're the ones that bring the greatest joy and on the other spectrum, the greatest devastation.
'Remus. If Lily and I both die, I want you to know that you're responsible for-'
'Harry. I got it, James. Don't worry. Nothing's going to happen anyways. In a couple of years, we'll all be laughing at the solemnity we had carried now.'
'No, Remus. Well, yes, Harry but I don't worry about that. I know you will.'
Oh James, I have failed you so utterly in my grief. That dreaded night of Halloween where I was stuck as a murderous monster while you, Lily, and Harry fought for your lives. I am sorry, my friend.
'Remus, I was talking about Sirius. If I die… you're going to have to pick up the pieces. He's going to be a jackass and a pain and an idiot and a… well, you get it. But, I have to know that you'll be there, Remmy,' James said.
I had laughed it off then saying of course I would. I put up with his for nine years already, hadn't I? It would be fine, I thought.
In the future can't wait to see,
If you open up the gates for me.
Death had been something unthinkable back then. I wonder and admire my naivety back then thinking that everything would work out. None of us could die; we were invincible. If any of them had died, I wouldn't be able to move on. Werewolves kept their pack and mate for life. Change was unwanted and unacceptable.
Everyone outside our group used to think that Sirius was the comical one. He was the one that couldn't take life seriously, couldn't think ahead to the future. Sirius didn't understand life's severity.
In a way, I think that he had a better grasp than anyone of us. He was the one that faced violence and the dark since his childhood. He knew the fragility of human life and that's why he made sure to live his life to the fullest. No prank not done was his motto and while we just thought that this was just his joking nature, maybe he just wanted to make sure he had no regrets. No half-lies and untold truths. Speak your mind.
Reminisce sometimes, the night they took my friend.
Try to black it out, but it plays again.
I was the one that couldn't face reality. I ignored the fact that I was a werewolf for eight years. I pretended to be just like everyone else and even fooled myself into thinking it. But once James and Sirius found out, they showed that it was okay to be different, okay to be you.
The night they died, I knew something was wrong. Hell, even Moony was quiet. The morning after, when the aurors broke my door looking for the fugitive, Sirius Black, I had just sat down in disbelief that continued my day as if nothing happened. Albus visited me afterwards and told me what happened but to me, the death of Lily and James and the imprisonment of Sirius was just inconceivable. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. Couldn't wrap my head around any of it. The permanence, the absolute, the reality.
When it's real, feelings hard to conceal
Can't imagine all the pain I feel
After they died and Sirius thrown into Azkaban, I broke down for twelve years. It took me twelve years to put back some semblance of normality. I had failed everyone in my life. I had failed Peter from being killed by Sirius, I had failed Dumbledore for not knowing Sirius's deception, and most of all I had failed Lily and James by not taking responsibility for Harry. It took Harry being in danger from Sirius for me to snap out of my funk and finally assume my responsibility as honorary second godfather. I had failed everything else in my life, but I would not fail Harry's life.
Coming back to Hogwarts was indescribable. It was a mess of contradictions of sweet reminiscing and painful memories. Every nook, every cranny held some reminder of the past. Even seemingly innocuous phrase or student reminded me of James, of Sirius, of Peter, of Severus, and even of me. It was hell and heaven all combined together. And meeting Harry. How he looked like James but was Lily in every other way, from the expression in their eyes to the way they stood as they were defending someone smaller and in need of help. His talent in the Patronus charm was clearly inherited from Lily.
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living your life, after death
It was painful to watch Harry. It was painful to see the uncanny resemblance to James, the startling similarities to Lily, the unmovable stubbornness that was so like Sirius, the timid nature like Peter, and even the loyal nature like myself. Harry was an embodiment of the five of us in our youth, invincible and happy.
And dead. First there were five and now? Now there are two. The two least outspoken, least talented, least worthy of being alive and yet ironically here we are: me and Pettigrew.
"SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"
Every step I take,
"There's nothing you can do, Harry-"
There's nothing anyone can do. No one can stop death, Harry. Not me, not Albus Dumbledore, and not Sirius. When it comes to take us, there is no stopping it. Only you, blessed child, had any chance.
Every move I make,
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"
"It's too late, Harry-"
It's always too late. Too late to say 'I love you. You were my brother,' or even just 'I forgive you.' It's too late for one more hug, one more joke. It's too late to do everything that should have been done. Life's funny like that- no matter how much you wish, there are no take backs, no rewinds, no repeats. Life's a one-shot deal and we are always too late to realize that.
Every single day,
"We can still reach him-"
No, we can't. Sirius is gone. He's gone for good. On good days, he's off to a better place where he can watch over you, Harry. He's off to a place with his brother and Lily where he can finally heal from Azkaban and all the wrongs we have done him.
But on bad days, Sirius is no where. He's just gone.
"There's nothing you can do, Harry… nothing… He's gone."
Every time I pray,
"He hasn't gone! SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"
Don't you understand Harry? Sirius has left us. He has abandoned us to fight in an upcoming war that will strip you of everything you know. He's off to a better place but we're still stuck. We're still stuck mourning, we're still stuck trying to fight for our lives, we're still stuck until we die, too.
We're alone, Harry, you and I. We're without our family, without James, my pack-brother and your father, without Lily, my sister and your mother, and without Sirius. We're alone… I'm alone. Why can't you see that?
"He can't come back, Harry. He can't come back, because he's D-"
"HE-IS-NOT-DEAD! SIRIUS!"
And even as I drag you away, you still cling to that hope, Harry. But he's not coming. He's dead. Dead as a doornail. Deader than… dead.
Sirius would have fought death for you, Harry, just like I would have. But, he can't win. The reason he's not going to come is because he lost. He's dead.
I'll be missing you.
Goodbye Sirius. Goodbye, my brother.