A/N: I don't want to talk about it. Just read the damn fic and don't complain about my schedule.

So anyway, pairings are pretty much the canon sort, blah blah blahblahblah. It takes place in an AU after "The Substitute" where Blaine transfers to WMHS to protect Kurt and ends up (where else?) in Glee club.

"So anyway, new kid," Puck said, giving Blaine his best 'don't mess with me' face that he'd perfected in Juvie. "Before you can join New Directions you gotta sing."

Blaine flashed a shiny grin. "Not a problem. Just because the Warblers lost at Sectionals doesn't mean-"

"I'm not finished, pillow biter. Before you do that, you've got to-" Damn. Unfortunately he hadn't thought through his 'initiation' plans, or at least ones that didn't involve him going back to Juvie if he was caught involved. And the rest just weren't badass to scare this guy away.

"Get Sorted."

A pause where everyone turned around to stare at Sam, including Puck, Kurt and Blaine. "Sorted?" he asked. "You mean, like, Harry Potter and Hogwarts stuff?"

His face fell; really, was that how they did things around here? Wow, that was… interesting. Was he being serious, or was it one of those team building exercises that the guys sometimes did (he had to admit, even for him, some of them back at Dalton were extraordinarily awkward)?

"Yeah, you know, like we have to see what House you're in and all. It helps us determine partners for duets and groups and we rotate who gets the lead based on the House you're in. Like, we get people from different houses to work together and create unity across different, um, personality types" Sam was babbling again, coming up with things on the fly to get everyone's' eyes off him, but it didn't work. Where was he going with this?

Rachel jumped up. "Of course. For example, Finn and I are a naturally opposite pair since, ah…" It'd been a while since she'd read the books. Oops.

"I'm a Gryffindor and she's a Slytherin," he said. "You know, complementing each other and stuff. Opposites attract, right?" Thankfully he'd read through Kurt's copies once they'd moved in.

"Oh of course, that's right!" she said. "I mean I'm really ambitious since I want to be on Broadway, I'd probably have to pressure the Hat since obviously I'm Jew- I mean, uh, not a pureblood. Of course Finn is our natural leader, you know being the quarterback and all. I'm a leader too, but my goals are ultimately to my own face being in the front of the performances."

Finn bobbed his head eagerly. "And Quinn and Sam too, they're, uh, contrasts too… Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, right guys?"

Quinn rolled her eyes. "I'm the Ravenclaw, of course."

"Me too," Artie and Tina said at the same time, before looking at each other with a blush.

"I've always gotten Ravenclaw on online quizzes," he said. "And a Patronus of a hawk."

Tina looked back at him and smiled. "I'm a hawk too. That's so, ah, weird, isn't it?" He blushed.

Mercedes looked around and sighed. "Am I the only one proud to be a Hufflepuff? I kinda like being in the background and all."

Sam extended a fist to pound with her. "I guess I'm cool with that. Being leader's fun, but I'd rather, you know, hang back and sing every once in a while."

"Yeah, same here. And hey, they had Cedric Diggory, and he was awesome," Mike said while joining in the exchange.

"Mm-hmm, that boy was super fine, especially in the movies. I'd go straight up loyalty for him any day."

Puck leaned back and rolled his eyes. "Man, you guys are the biggest nerds ever. Even worse than the ones I throw in the dumpster. No wonder you get picked on."

"We all do, Noah, not just us 'nerds.'" Rachel said.

Blaine paled at the bully, and Kurt shot him a death glare. "Play along," he hissed, "or I shave that Mohawk, again."

"Psh, fine, whatever. Anyway, I guess I'm a Gryffindor then, cuz Sirius Black was a badass and he was awesome with the ladies. I got him beat in the guns department, but I would still hang out with him and all.

"Oh, and Hummel's a Slytherin, cuz he's really into trouser snakes, if you know what I mean." He gave a lecherous grin, as Kurt blushed bright pink.

Blaine looked around for Mr. Schuester, but the teacher was nowhere in sight to mediate this.

"I'm a Slytherin too," Santana said, examining her nails. "But if you guys tell anyone I ever saw the movies, I'll Avada Kedavra you with a wand up the ass so hard you wish I'd used magic." She paused and looked around, copying Puck's death glare tenfold.

"And I like never would hang out with Berry and Hummel. You guys are like Mudbloods. Oh, and obviously I get along really well with the different houses," she said with a wink towards Puck and Finn.

"I'm in House Sparklypoo," Brittany commented. "We're, like, the best one of all."

"Uh…" Blaine said. "I guess this is cool and all. Do I really have to do this, then?"

Kurt nodded vigorously. "Absolutely. Everyone has so far, obviously, and it's a must for all members." Oh, he really hoped this would work! "Where's the hat, guys?"

Now the Glee club stared back at him with utter confusion. "Oh yeah, um…"

"Well since you guys don't have the hat for right now, maybe I'll audition now and Sort myself later," Blaine said, clearly feeling as awkward and uncomfortable about this as the others.

At that moment Mr. Schuester decided to come in the door. "Okay guys, I found a bunch of VHS in my collection of some old Journey songs, and I think we should dedicate a time to-"

"Perfect!" Kurt said, grabbing the fedora off his teacher's head and placing it on Blaine's. "Now, Blaine, um… give us a description of yourself. Tell us all about, um, your hopes and dreams and things like that." Great, now he sounded like Rachel.

"Then the rest of the group will Sort you based on a consensus," Rachel said.

Puck rolled his eyes. "If we get to decide, then what's the hat for?"

"It's a nice hat?" Finn said. Everyone looked at him except for Brittany who was making talking motions with her hands. "What? It is. Nice hat, Mr. Schue."

"Uh… thanks Finn. I think."

Blaine cleared his throat, and the group focused back on him. "Well, as you know, I was originally in Dalton Academy. But after Sectionals – and I swear, I'm not here to sabotage – I decided it would be best to face a new and possibly dangerous environment, and see if I could gain some self-reliance, courage, and independence." He blushed, not sure why he was telling a group of strangers (and Kurt) all this. They were all staring at him.

The group huddled together, and Blaine exchanged uncomfortable looks with his first club instructor. "Oh, it's nice to meet you, sir, I'm Blaine Jameson-Anderson."

Will looked uncomfortably at the suit-and-tie teenager. "Oh, I remember, you're the guy Kurt was talking about. Nice to meet you. I'm not sure… exactly what they're doing, but I think after last week I've lost complete control of the group."

Now Blaine looked even more scared, while Kurt dive-bombed into the huddle and spoke in hushed demands.

"Alright," Rachel said after several minutes, we've reached a consensus-"

"And it actually was a consensus this time," Mercedes snarked.

"-that because Blaine desires to face his fears and overcome obstacles, while relying on courage to confront his problems, he shall be placed in….

…

…

…

…

"JUST SAY IT, RACHEL!" Kurt shouted.

Rachel beamed at the new kid while holding a silencing finger out at Kurt. "… Gryffindor!"

Blaine smiled as her and Finn clapped encouragingly for him, and took a nervous seat besides Puck, who gave him a too-hard slap to the back.

"Alright, are we ready to begin with our first new group assignment?" Mr. Schuester asked.

"One thing, Mr. Schue," Mike said quietly, standing up. "Before we start, I think there's another thing we should introduce, the Scarf of Sexual Orientation…"

A/N: Dun dun dun!