Title: What If
Author: Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)
Category: Drama/Romance
Spoilers: "A Missing Link"
Rating: PG
Archive: Sure, just let me know where.
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.
Summary: Vaughn confronts Jack about knowing Syd was alive for a year before her return and not telling him. He then visits Syd and thinks about how different things might be if he had known.
Note: This idea came from Amywyn on the sydney-and-vaughn yahoo group. It was a great idea. Thanks for throwing it out there! Anyway, this takes place some time after Jack tells Dixon and Vaughn about Syd killing Lazarey. It has nothing to do with the ending of the ep or the next episode, so there is no mention of what happened. Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought! :) ~Steph
* * * What If: Part 1/1 * * *
Vaughn approached Jack as he walked down the hall.
"I'd like to speak with you. Do you have a minute?
"Actually, I do not."
Vaughn touched Jack's arm, forcing him to stop. Jack turned to face him, noting the determined look in Vaughn's eyes.
"I think you do."
Jack didn't say a word. He simply walked to a conference room and Vaughn followed.
Vaughn looked at him for a long moment, as if searching for something.
Jack finally shook his head, "Mr. Vaughn, I have work to do. One would assume you do too. I prefer to actually do mine. If you would prefer to waste your time, that is your choice. Do not attempt to waste mine."
Vaughn took a step towards him, his jaw tightening. "How long did you know?"
"How long did I know what?"
"You know what."
Jack sighed and made a move to leave, apparently tiring of Vaughn's beating-around-the-bush. Vaughn grabbed his arm hard, stopping his motion. Jack's eyes met Vaughn's as he spoke, his voice emerging as cold as ice.
"If you value your hand, then you will remove it immediately."
Vaughn released Jack, but blocked his path.
"I knew something wasn't right when you made Dixon aware that Sydney had killed Lazarey and conspired to cover it up. So, I did some digging and I found out that you were looking into Lazarey before going to prison and rejoining the CIA. You'd seen that tape before." Vaughn paused, biting his lip to control his anger, "How long did you know Sydney was alive?"
Jack offered him a slight smirk. "Good work, Mr. Vaughn. I'm rather impressed."
"Spare me the condescension," Vaughn replied through clenched teeth.
Jack's eyes narrowed. "I knew for a year before her return. You see, Mr. Vaughn, I dealt with my grief by seeking the truth. I honored my daughter's memory by trying to find those responsible for her apparent death. What did you do? Drowned your sorrows with alcohol. How cliché."
Vaughn clenched his fists, as he fought the urge to punch Jack. He took a deep breath and went on, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Simple. I didn't trust you. Although you were no longer officially affiliated with the agency, you still had connections. If you were made aware that Sydney was alive, you would have gone to the agency for help in finding her. If they found her, she would have been taken into custody. In addition, I did not rule out the possibility that someone within the agency was involved in Sydney's supposed death. They did not inspire trust when they decided to join forces with Arvin Sloane."
"If you don't trust the agency, then what are you doing here now?"
"I still want to find out who was responsible for Sydney's disappearance. The best way to do that is to use the resources my job here affords me."
Vaughn shook his head and ran a hand across his face. When he looked back at Jack, his expression had softened, but his eyes were clouded with emotion. "Do you have any idea what you've done?"
"No, Mr. Vaughn, I do not. Why don't you enlighten me?"
"With that information, the agency could have found Sydney. They could have given her back a year of her life. Instead, she lost two years and has no idea what else she did during that time."
"Are you really that naïve? You think the agency would have given Sydney back a year of her life? They would have take her into custody, subjected her to countless invasive tests and probably would have locked her up until they knew she wasn't a security risk. Who knows how much more of her life she would have lost."
"So, you just decided that you should be the only one who knew she was alive. You never considered how knowing she was alive would have affected the people who cared about her. You were only concerned for yourself."
"No, Mr. Vaughn. My first and only concern has always been for my daughter."
Vaughn looked down at his feet and spoke softly, "You have no idea how it could have changed things."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "This isn't about Sydney's life, is it? This is about yours. Perhaps you would not have married another woman if you had not been ignorant."
Vaughn lifted his head to meet Jack's gaze. "If I had known Sydney was still alive, I would have stopped at nothing to find her. I was in love with your daughter, Jack. I wouldn't have wanted to endanger her either. I would have done it your way if you had just trusted me enough to tell me."
"I guess we'll never know whether or not that's true."
Vaughn squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, as he spoke softly, "Just knowing she was alive...Maybe I finally could have slept through the night."
Jack's face softened. He was not entirely unsympathetic to Vaughn's feelings.
"Or not all." He swallowed hard and averted his eyes, "The difficult thing about the truth is that it never goes away. And truth where questions still remain is even worse."
Vaughn ran a hand through his hair and moved to exit the room, the conversation having taken its toll.
Jack's voice stopped him just as he was about to reach for the door.
"There is one thing I've learned from my experiences. Those who are happy with the choices they've made, with the life they have, don't think about the 'what ifs'. They don't matter. Those who do will either be driven insane by them or driven down another path. The choice is yours."
Vaughn paused for a moment, contemplating this, before leaving the room.
* * * *
Vaughn tapped lightly on Sydney's door. She opened on the second knock, her expression registering surprise at who stood before her.
"Vaughn. Hi. What are you doing here? Did something happen?"
Things were still so strange between them. They both desperately wanted to get back to a place where they were friends, where they could actually talk, but that just didn't seem possible right now. So, she certainly didn't expect to find him paying her a visit.
He shook his head, "No, everything's fine. Can I come in?"
Sydney nodded and moved aside to allow him entrance. "Of course."
He entered as she closed the door behind him. He offered her a closed mouth smile and nodded at the surroundings. "It's a nice place."
She bobbed her head, "Yeah, it is."
"And it must be nice to have Weiss so close by."
"Yeah."
"The ocean-..."
"What did you really come here for?" she asked abruptly, cutting him off. His mouth hung open in mid-sentence. She swallowed hard, "I mean, not that I mind. It's just that since I've been back..."
Her voice trailed off, but he finished the thought, "We haven't been able to talk about anything but lipsticks without arguing. We used to be able to talk about everything."
Sydney moved her eyes to her feet and spoke softly, "Things changed."
"But why that? Sydney, before we were more, we were friends. There was a time when you could tell me anything...when I was the only one you could really talk to."
Sydney squeezed her eyes shut, as she tried to stop the tears she felt coming. "I don't know how to get back to that place, Vaughn. Too much has happened. Too many things are different now."
He sighed and took it upon himself to enter the living room and have a seat on the couch. She followed, taking her place by his side. They sat there for several moments in silence.
Vaughn finally broke it. He looked down at his hands as he spoke. "About four months after I thought you died, I was in Italy. Not long after your death, I left the country. I guess I was trying to run from the pain, from the memories. I didn't realize they'd follow me wherever I went. Anyway, I was in Italy...Florence, actually, and I was just walking around when I...I just stopped. A few yards ahead of me was this woman with this impossibly slim figure and long brown hair. I could only see the back of her, but I was sure...I mean, I was positive it was you. I knew it was impossible, but it didn't matter. I ran over to her and practically grabbed the poor woman. When she turned around, I realized I had been wrong. I was so crushed I didn't even apologize. I just walked away."
Sydney felt a tear roll down her face, as she watched him take a deep breath. He continued, "I realized that a part of me had never accepted the fact that you were really gone. I still had this hope that you were out there somewhere. I hadn't realized it until that moment. A part of me was still in denial. And I knew that if I was going to have any hope of moving on, then I needed to accept the fact that I would never see you again. So, I did. It was difficult, but, in time, I did. But now...now I realize why that part of me had never accepted it, while I still had that hope. You were never really gone."
Vaughn dropped his head and ran a hand through his hair. Sydney watched him for a long moment before finally speaking. "Where is this all coming from? Why are you telling me this now?"
He raised his head and met her gaze. "I just met with your father. He admitted that he knew you were alive for a year before your return and told no one." Sydney lowered her eyes. He smiled bitterly, "You knew."
She nodded, "Yes."
Vaughn shook his head, his voice shaking with emotion, "I understand why he didn't tell me, Syd, but...I had a right to know."
"I'm sorry."
He turned his body towards her and took her hands in his. His eyes met hers, the look in them so intense Sydney almost couldn't stand it.
His voice was husky as he spoke, "You have to believe...If I had any idea that you were alive...I mean, a real reason to think that, not just some crazy feeling....You have to know I would have gone to hell and back to find you. You believe that, don't you?"
She nodded and offered him a small smile. "I do."
He released her hands and squeezed his eyes shut. "It could have changed everything."
Sydney's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
Vaughn lifted his head and reluctantly met her gaze. "When I lost you, I knew that was it. I knew that I had lost the woman I was meant to love forever. I knew if I ever loved again, it wouldn't be the same. It couldn't be. In time, I accepted that. Eventually, I allowed myself to love Lauren. It wasn't the same, but it was all I had. I knew it would have to be enough." He swallowed hard, his voice softening, "I love Lauren, but if I had known you were still alive..."
His voice trailed off, not having completed the sentence and not needing to.
Sydney nodded and said quietly, "I know."
Their eyes met and held for a moment, the full meaning of what had just been said and, more importantly, what had not been said, weighing on them.
It was all still there. The love. The passion. They were still drawn to each other like they were drawn to no other.
The moment was there has it had been a million times before. Had things been different, had they been weaker, they wouldn't have let it pass them by.
But things weren't different and they had to be strong...No matter how hard it would prove to be.
Vaughn shook his head, as if to force the moment away, and jumped up from his seat.
"I...I better get going. It's getting late and Lauren will be expecting me home soon."
Sydney nodded and slowly stood up, as she fought the overwhelming urge to ask him to stay. "Okay."
She followed him to the door and opened it for him. He turned to look at her before he crossed the threshold, "Goodnight, Sydney."
"Goodnight," she said softly, as she watched him go and then closed the door.
He leaned against the door, not quite ready to leave just yet.
"I love you," he whispered softly, before forcing himself towards his car.
Sydney pressed her forehead against the door and squeezed her eyes shut.
"I love you," she said in a nearly inaudible voice.
Neither of them had heard the other and they didn't need to.
They already knew.
******************************THE END********************************* Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you thought :) ~Steph
Author: Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)
Category: Drama/Romance
Spoilers: "A Missing Link"
Rating: PG
Archive: Sure, just let me know where.
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.
Summary: Vaughn confronts Jack about knowing Syd was alive for a year before her return and not telling him. He then visits Syd and thinks about how different things might be if he had known.
Note: This idea came from Amywyn on the sydney-and-vaughn yahoo group. It was a great idea. Thanks for throwing it out there! Anyway, this takes place some time after Jack tells Dixon and Vaughn about Syd killing Lazarey. It has nothing to do with the ending of the ep or the next episode, so there is no mention of what happened. Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought! :) ~Steph
* * * What If: Part 1/1 * * *
Vaughn approached Jack as he walked down the hall.
"I'd like to speak with you. Do you have a minute?
"Actually, I do not."
Vaughn touched Jack's arm, forcing him to stop. Jack turned to face him, noting the determined look in Vaughn's eyes.
"I think you do."
Jack didn't say a word. He simply walked to a conference room and Vaughn followed.
Vaughn looked at him for a long moment, as if searching for something.
Jack finally shook his head, "Mr. Vaughn, I have work to do. One would assume you do too. I prefer to actually do mine. If you would prefer to waste your time, that is your choice. Do not attempt to waste mine."
Vaughn took a step towards him, his jaw tightening. "How long did you know?"
"How long did I know what?"
"You know what."
Jack sighed and made a move to leave, apparently tiring of Vaughn's beating-around-the-bush. Vaughn grabbed his arm hard, stopping his motion. Jack's eyes met Vaughn's as he spoke, his voice emerging as cold as ice.
"If you value your hand, then you will remove it immediately."
Vaughn released Jack, but blocked his path.
"I knew something wasn't right when you made Dixon aware that Sydney had killed Lazarey and conspired to cover it up. So, I did some digging and I found out that you were looking into Lazarey before going to prison and rejoining the CIA. You'd seen that tape before." Vaughn paused, biting his lip to control his anger, "How long did you know Sydney was alive?"
Jack offered him a slight smirk. "Good work, Mr. Vaughn. I'm rather impressed."
"Spare me the condescension," Vaughn replied through clenched teeth.
Jack's eyes narrowed. "I knew for a year before her return. You see, Mr. Vaughn, I dealt with my grief by seeking the truth. I honored my daughter's memory by trying to find those responsible for her apparent death. What did you do? Drowned your sorrows with alcohol. How cliché."
Vaughn clenched his fists, as he fought the urge to punch Jack. He took a deep breath and went on, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Simple. I didn't trust you. Although you were no longer officially affiliated with the agency, you still had connections. If you were made aware that Sydney was alive, you would have gone to the agency for help in finding her. If they found her, she would have been taken into custody. In addition, I did not rule out the possibility that someone within the agency was involved in Sydney's supposed death. They did not inspire trust when they decided to join forces with Arvin Sloane."
"If you don't trust the agency, then what are you doing here now?"
"I still want to find out who was responsible for Sydney's disappearance. The best way to do that is to use the resources my job here affords me."
Vaughn shook his head and ran a hand across his face. When he looked back at Jack, his expression had softened, but his eyes were clouded with emotion. "Do you have any idea what you've done?"
"No, Mr. Vaughn, I do not. Why don't you enlighten me?"
"With that information, the agency could have found Sydney. They could have given her back a year of her life. Instead, she lost two years and has no idea what else she did during that time."
"Are you really that naïve? You think the agency would have given Sydney back a year of her life? They would have take her into custody, subjected her to countless invasive tests and probably would have locked her up until they knew she wasn't a security risk. Who knows how much more of her life she would have lost."
"So, you just decided that you should be the only one who knew she was alive. You never considered how knowing she was alive would have affected the people who cared about her. You were only concerned for yourself."
"No, Mr. Vaughn. My first and only concern has always been for my daughter."
Vaughn looked down at his feet and spoke softly, "You have no idea how it could have changed things."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "This isn't about Sydney's life, is it? This is about yours. Perhaps you would not have married another woman if you had not been ignorant."
Vaughn lifted his head to meet Jack's gaze. "If I had known Sydney was still alive, I would have stopped at nothing to find her. I was in love with your daughter, Jack. I wouldn't have wanted to endanger her either. I would have done it your way if you had just trusted me enough to tell me."
"I guess we'll never know whether or not that's true."
Vaughn squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, as he spoke softly, "Just knowing she was alive...Maybe I finally could have slept through the night."
Jack's face softened. He was not entirely unsympathetic to Vaughn's feelings.
"Or not all." He swallowed hard and averted his eyes, "The difficult thing about the truth is that it never goes away. And truth where questions still remain is even worse."
Vaughn ran a hand through his hair and moved to exit the room, the conversation having taken its toll.
Jack's voice stopped him just as he was about to reach for the door.
"There is one thing I've learned from my experiences. Those who are happy with the choices they've made, with the life they have, don't think about the 'what ifs'. They don't matter. Those who do will either be driven insane by them or driven down another path. The choice is yours."
Vaughn paused for a moment, contemplating this, before leaving the room.
* * * *
Vaughn tapped lightly on Sydney's door. She opened on the second knock, her expression registering surprise at who stood before her.
"Vaughn. Hi. What are you doing here? Did something happen?"
Things were still so strange between them. They both desperately wanted to get back to a place where they were friends, where they could actually talk, but that just didn't seem possible right now. So, she certainly didn't expect to find him paying her a visit.
He shook his head, "No, everything's fine. Can I come in?"
Sydney nodded and moved aside to allow him entrance. "Of course."
He entered as she closed the door behind him. He offered her a closed mouth smile and nodded at the surroundings. "It's a nice place."
She bobbed her head, "Yeah, it is."
"And it must be nice to have Weiss so close by."
"Yeah."
"The ocean-..."
"What did you really come here for?" she asked abruptly, cutting him off. His mouth hung open in mid-sentence. She swallowed hard, "I mean, not that I mind. It's just that since I've been back..."
Her voice trailed off, but he finished the thought, "We haven't been able to talk about anything but lipsticks without arguing. We used to be able to talk about everything."
Sydney moved her eyes to her feet and spoke softly, "Things changed."
"But why that? Sydney, before we were more, we were friends. There was a time when you could tell me anything...when I was the only one you could really talk to."
Sydney squeezed her eyes shut, as she tried to stop the tears she felt coming. "I don't know how to get back to that place, Vaughn. Too much has happened. Too many things are different now."
He sighed and took it upon himself to enter the living room and have a seat on the couch. She followed, taking her place by his side. They sat there for several moments in silence.
Vaughn finally broke it. He looked down at his hands as he spoke. "About four months after I thought you died, I was in Italy. Not long after your death, I left the country. I guess I was trying to run from the pain, from the memories. I didn't realize they'd follow me wherever I went. Anyway, I was in Italy...Florence, actually, and I was just walking around when I...I just stopped. A few yards ahead of me was this woman with this impossibly slim figure and long brown hair. I could only see the back of her, but I was sure...I mean, I was positive it was you. I knew it was impossible, but it didn't matter. I ran over to her and practically grabbed the poor woman. When she turned around, I realized I had been wrong. I was so crushed I didn't even apologize. I just walked away."
Sydney felt a tear roll down her face, as she watched him take a deep breath. He continued, "I realized that a part of me had never accepted the fact that you were really gone. I still had this hope that you were out there somewhere. I hadn't realized it until that moment. A part of me was still in denial. And I knew that if I was going to have any hope of moving on, then I needed to accept the fact that I would never see you again. So, I did. It was difficult, but, in time, I did. But now...now I realize why that part of me had never accepted it, while I still had that hope. You were never really gone."
Vaughn dropped his head and ran a hand through his hair. Sydney watched him for a long moment before finally speaking. "Where is this all coming from? Why are you telling me this now?"
He raised his head and met her gaze. "I just met with your father. He admitted that he knew you were alive for a year before your return and told no one." Sydney lowered her eyes. He smiled bitterly, "You knew."
She nodded, "Yes."
Vaughn shook his head, his voice shaking with emotion, "I understand why he didn't tell me, Syd, but...I had a right to know."
"I'm sorry."
He turned his body towards her and took her hands in his. His eyes met hers, the look in them so intense Sydney almost couldn't stand it.
His voice was husky as he spoke, "You have to believe...If I had any idea that you were alive...I mean, a real reason to think that, not just some crazy feeling....You have to know I would have gone to hell and back to find you. You believe that, don't you?"
She nodded and offered him a small smile. "I do."
He released her hands and squeezed his eyes shut. "It could have changed everything."
Sydney's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
Vaughn lifted his head and reluctantly met her gaze. "When I lost you, I knew that was it. I knew that I had lost the woman I was meant to love forever. I knew if I ever loved again, it wouldn't be the same. It couldn't be. In time, I accepted that. Eventually, I allowed myself to love Lauren. It wasn't the same, but it was all I had. I knew it would have to be enough." He swallowed hard, his voice softening, "I love Lauren, but if I had known you were still alive..."
His voice trailed off, not having completed the sentence and not needing to.
Sydney nodded and said quietly, "I know."
Their eyes met and held for a moment, the full meaning of what had just been said and, more importantly, what had not been said, weighing on them.
It was all still there. The love. The passion. They were still drawn to each other like they were drawn to no other.
The moment was there has it had been a million times before. Had things been different, had they been weaker, they wouldn't have let it pass them by.
But things weren't different and they had to be strong...No matter how hard it would prove to be.
Vaughn shook his head, as if to force the moment away, and jumped up from his seat.
"I...I better get going. It's getting late and Lauren will be expecting me home soon."
Sydney nodded and slowly stood up, as she fought the overwhelming urge to ask him to stay. "Okay."
She followed him to the door and opened it for him. He turned to look at her before he crossed the threshold, "Goodnight, Sydney."
"Goodnight," she said softly, as she watched him go and then closed the door.
He leaned against the door, not quite ready to leave just yet.
"I love you," he whispered softly, before forcing himself towards his car.
Sydney pressed her forehead against the door and squeezed her eyes shut.
"I love you," she said in a nearly inaudible voice.
Neither of them had heard the other and they didn't need to.
They already knew.
******************************THE END********************************* Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you thought :) ~Steph