Title: stories from behind the fruit bowl portrait

Chapter title: can't get worst from here

Author: pandastacia
Pairings: Draco/Luna; Blaise/Ginny

General notes: Happy Birthday, Ren!

Notes about the characters: Mildly crack-ish, I guess. Blaise & Malfoy are mainly pure-blood elitists, although they have a great sense of loyalty to each other. Also, I chose to make Blaise less of the "serious" person he's kinda depicted as in the books.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I really wish too. I'd prefer Draco. And I do not own any of the copywrited Muggle items mentioned.

Famous Last Words: Don't like, don't read. :)

Ginny Weasley

I.

Can't.

Believe.

Him.

Actually, I can. I mean, it's Dumbledore after all.

The man just loves his "house unity".

House Unity.

Yeah right.

--------

This all began about a month ago, when Lavender Brown burst into the Gryffindor screaming like Voldemort was storming the castle with a bunch of giants and Death Eaters, doing what he does best- creating chaos, disorder, and mayhem.

(I personally think George and Fred are just jealous because he's better at doing that than they are. Once I found a picture in their room of Voldemort with a scrawled on mustache with the words 'the Weasley twins pwn moldy-vort'.)

Anyway, Lavender does these things every so often. The last time she came into the Common Room like that, it was because apparently because camo was the new black.

Silly girl.

We've learned to not jump and ignore her completely.

But I personally think she's trying to be the next Voldemort because she also has this little known talent in causing mayhem.

Key example:

"WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SHARE COMMON ROOMS AND SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOMS WITH THE SLYTHERINS!"

Instant pandemonium.

George, Fred, and Voldemort would be envious of her evil pwnage skillz.

Before her statement, I had been working on Transfiguring all the dust bunnies in the room into jack rabbits for Transfiguration. But then it was all I could do to not hide under the table after what happened next.

Yes, I'm a Gryffindor and I'm brave. Hear me roar!

I was just going to go under the table for a… strategic relocation.

Many people were screaming about various things, like how they were going to be Transfigured into snakes in their sleep. Others were trying to fling themselves into the fireplace, the fire flickering cheerfully, obviously coming to the conclusion that it would be better to be in the hospital wing with 4th degree burns than sharing a dormitory room with Slytherins. Still others were making battle plans, planning on how to gain the upper hand in the 'battle for our tower'.

Hell, some of them were about to barricade all of us in the tower- no, they didn't consider the windows- with my table.

Of course, Professor McGonagall decided to step into our Common Room right about then, trying to find out what all of the hullabaloo was about.

It took about ten minutes to get everyone to stop planning (she made Harry burn the 'battle plan', something he did with great reluctance and a look of agony on his face), but once the situation was explained more than sufficiently (since everyone was determined to chip in on the Story of Horror) she went pale.

"It's just a hoax, right, professor?" Hermione had looked almost hopefully at her idol.

When McGonagall didn't answer, hell broke out- again.

And I almost mean literally.

--------

That's why I'm currently standing by the Great Hall, actually.

What Lavender had heard via whatever means she uses to collect her gossip was not just gossip. Dumbledore was in fact going to have all us Gryffindors and Slytherins camp out somewhere between the Quidditch pitch to improve on our "communication and compromise skills" and crap like that.

What does he know?

We communicate and compromise just fine.

Example:

Hermione walks down the hall and Pansy pushes her out of her way. "Stay out of my way, bitch!"

Hermione continues on and returns, "Then stay out of mine, bitch."

Then they both walk away calmly.

Of course, Hermione would never use the word ' bitch' because while she's one of my best friends, she's also too 'proper' to curse, but hey! The rest of us Gryffindor girls totally would.

Anyway, when Professors Sprout and Flitwick found out about the 'bonding experience', they had a talk with Dumbledore. According to what Harry, Hermione, Ron, and I heard on the Extendable Ears, they were concerned with the damage that could be caused to the castle if it all went wrong.

So then, in exchange for not putting us Gryffindors with the Slytherins, Dumbledore put the whole school in an 'extracurricular activity' where all the students in the school participated in some activity with the teachers facilitating.

For some reason, I have this feeling that Dumbledore planned this all from the start.

But I'll be okay, I think, because I see Luna walking towards me from the direction of Ravenclaw Tower. "Hey, Luna. Are you in the group meeting by the Great Hall too?"

"Yeah, I am." Luna Lovegood sounds just as dreamy as she does in nearly every occasion. "Do you know what we're going to be doing or who else is in our group?"

"Not really. I'm just here. I switched with Hermione, but I bet she's regretting it now. I mean, I was supposed to be in the group on the Quidditch pitch, but she swore that this one probably had something to do with house-elves and swore it was against all her morals so…" I shrug, "here I am!"

"But isn't Hermione afraid of broomsticks? I know I am. I'm always afraid a Crumple-Horned Snorkack is going to-."

I never did find out why you should fear Crumple-Horned Snorkack's because, well…

"Look what we have here: a weasel and an escapee." A horribly familiar drawling voice arrives in the form of Draco Malfoy and his buddy, Blasé Zappy or something. "Maybe someone should alert pest control and the loony bin."

"Shut it, Malfoy," I snap, "before the pest control comes to arrest you, ferret." To show how little either of their presence affects me, Luna and I immerse ourselves in a conversation separate from that of Malfoy and his friend.

I shiver a little. It might be the second week in April, but the entrance hall has always been rather chilly even when it's rather warm outside, a fact that isn't helping now as Luna and I are wearing our school skirts & our thinnest white shirts. Maybe I should've worn my leggings, but I had thought we'd be moving to a warmer part of the castle.

Our conversation pitters out as Luna walks down the hall checking out all the paintings, so I just look at Malfoy and… well, whoever that is.

The not-Malfoy guy has dark skin that seems mostly unmarred, no scars to show accidents or little spills. Maybe I have some kind of predilection with scars. I mean, I was minorly- only minorly- obsessed with Harry Potter for a while. Scars have stories and they tell you quite a bit about the person. This guy was like a blank slate. His eyes are this shade of brown. Not the color of chocolate- it's a little too red to be chocolate- but it's also not like Gryffindor red. He has model-esque cheekbones that I think Lavender would kill for.

In other words, he's gorgeous, but from what I hear, prejudiced against non-purebloods just as much- if not more- than Malfoy. I also seem to remember him being a chaser on the Slytherin team and that he might have knocked the Quaffle out of my arms in a vicious game or two between our two houses.

Malfoy, on the other hand, is all the opposite of his best mate.

Blond hair, blue eyes- he was all Aryan with a bit of the high cheekbones that are just enough that he doesn't look at all like a girl. He actually reminds me of a ferret every time I look at him.

I snigger.

"What's so funny, blood traitor?" That other guy- Blaise Zabini! That's his name- is the first to speak.

Stopping my laughing, I smile sweetly. Malfoy just casts me a weary look. I think this was the expression I had on my face before I Bat-Bogey Hexed him two years ago.

"Nothing. I was just wondering- are you related to Luna at all? Because I swear that your hair almost matches. Maybe a shade or three off."

Malfoy looks nearly horrified as Blaise makes a nearly unheard snort.

"As if I would ever be related to a loony!"

"Well," I say, in a faux-friendly voice, "if you're not, it wouldn't be wrong to date her. You'd look so cute together and most people probably won't notice your hair is, like, the same color. It could be your thing!"

Thankfully, before Malfoy could jump me- or pull out his wand and hex me or something- Dumbledore arrived.

"Well, I'm glad you're all so eager to start, but I thought there was one more of you…" He looks around until he spots Luna at least twenty paintings down the hall, walking calmly this way.

When she finally rejoins the rest of us, Dumbledore smiles, that twinkling look behind half-moon glasses that makes me think he knows more about what's going on than we'll ever give him credit for.

"So I decided to give you four the most free reign out of all of the different groups here. However I am still the adult in charge of this. But just a few words…"

"They had better not be oddmint or whatever the hell he said on our first day of Hogwarts," Malfoy mutters at Zabini.

"You four are in the charge of the inter-House café. I know none of you are from Hufflepuff, but I know you two," the Headmaster gestures at Luna and me, "have friends in that house, so that's okay.

"Before I leave you all to your planning, there's a few rules I must add in. Just a few. One: no magic. Do all of the concocting yourselves. You do have the free reign of the kitchens. Two: leave the house-elves alone. And three: No operating after curfew. I think that one is pretty obvious."

He pauses for a few seconds, giving Malfoy time to interject, "How long is this group thing, Professor?"

"Good question. You have until 6 or so, then you may go to dinner."

Dumbledore slips off rather quickly after this, leaving us all to ourselves.

"This is a load of shit." No surprise that Malfoy has come up with that line to throw out at us.

"Well, we better get going." Zabini is, surprisingly, the first one to come up with anything smart.

"Yeah," I sigh. "I suppose we better decide our menu and stuff, the times we're running with it."

So there we go, walking down the stairs to the subterranean level of the castle to the portrait of the fruit bowl. Some maneuver down the dark staircase leads to me tripping over Zabini's foot and pushing Malfoy over him- I swear it actually wasn't on purpose that time because I can't do anything that awesome except on accident- so they ended up with Malfoy landing on Zabini's longer body.

We all just go really quiet staring at this scene until Zabini says in that smooth voice of his, "Believe it or not, Draco, but you're not exactly light."

Malfoy scrambles up while Zabini gracefully stands, dusting himself off.

Luna Lovegood

I think a Crumpled Horned Snorkack tripped Draco down the staircase.

They're behind everything, even the Heliopaths that the Ministry of Magic are collecting.

Draco Malfoy

Loony Lovegood is humming some strange tune from my right side and it's driving me insane.

But it would be rude to shout at her.

I mean, I've always heard that when you yell at crazy people, they snap and then go all kung foo on your ass. Maybe that's just that one of those phrases I heard from one of those weird Muggle films…

I definitely have to confiscate all those tapes because I think Blaise is getting suspicious of my alone time in our dormitory room.

Blaise Zabini

No matter what it might seem to other people, I'm not actually that bad of a guy. I'm not really that big on blood, but Mother has her expectations.

That Weasley girl is kind of amusing. She might think I don't catch her staring at my dashing good looks, but I'm so onto her you wouldn't believe it.

And she might be onto something with the whole Draco/Luna thing. They do look a little bit alike and their hair colors do go together…

Not that color schemes are my thing, of course.

Weasley is walking between me and Draco. I think we ended up like this after she tripped on my foot in the staircase. She smells like something… citrusy. Maybe Febreeze… It's like one of those Muggle commercials where someone sprays that stuff on the carpet or the furniture- it's hard to not just turn and bend my neck a little bit so I can inhale that scent.

For a second, I close my eyes just to revel in the scent, but then I hit my head on a low ceiling.

"Zabini, you okay?" It's the little Weaselette, brisk concern in her voice.

"Yeah, just fine."

Finally, we're at the portrait of the fruit bowl. We all kind of stare at it before looking blankly at each other.

"Well, Zabini, you're tallest…"

"Smart observation, Loony."

"… so you should be the one to tickle the pear," she continues serenely, ignoring Draco's snarky comment.

"And I would tickle the pear because…?"

"Just do it," snaps the redheaded girl. Obviously, even though Malfoy's bullying didn't bother Luna, it bothered her friend.

Shrugging to myself, I reach my finger and "tickle" the pear, if you could call scratching at oil-paint with your pointer finger tickling. It wiggles beneath the paint, giggling, before a doorknob appears. My eyebrow raised at the only Weasley girl, I turn the doorknob and enter the Hogwarts Kitchen.

It's a large room, with a ceiling so high I don't have to worry at all about bumping my head on it. On the other end of the large room is a brick fireplace with a fire blazing hot enough to wash away the chill in my bones from standing in the entrance hall for at least fifteen minutes. Pots and pans hang around the stone walls, glowing a brass orange-red.

This must be the house-elves's hour off, I realize, seeing no little creatures scurrying about, busy making food.

"So… what should we make and sell?" Weasley asks as we stand around one of the many square tables.

It's silent. We have no idea how to make much without magic- hell, I don't think Draco goes a day without using it, even if it is just to move his shirt from his large armoire to his hands.

"Pumpkin juice," is my suggestion. I hear Draco quietly cursing me for taking his idea and I smirk.

"Lemon bars. I've heard they're very popular." Luna says thoughtfully and Ginny gives her an approving look.

"I think my mum has a recipe for it too. It's absolutely delicious and I think it'd be possible to modify so we don't need to use magic."

Draco opens his mouth and I kick him. "Don't make this any harder," I murmur. He closes his mouth and looks sulky. Weasley raises her eyebrows at me and I give her one of my charming smiles- one of the ones that don't, in fact, promise to hex her. One of my apparently disarming smiles that makes girls 'sa-woon', as Pansy claims when she's not swooning at Draco's feet.

She doesn't sa-woon.

A lot, anyway…

"Chai tea."

That is going to be my contribution to this café thing. I am so not gonna be a waiter.

"Chai teas are amazing. Hopefully we can find a recipe…" Weasley's voice trails off. She plays with a few strands of auburn hair- it leans more towards the red side of auburn, of course- before sweeping the long mass of waves backwards. Brown eyes look intently at all of us and suddenly I can tell she is a lot more serious about this whole venture than she had been previously.

"This is gonna be the damn best café anyone in this castle has ever seen. I don't care if you two are Slytherins and I am a Gryffindor and Luna is a Ravenclaw. We're going to be stuck together for the next two months so let's make a lot of money and we can split it afterwards."

"Knew it was about the money," Draco mutters under his breath and I kick him again. "Ouch, you kick hard. It's like you have something for me- or her."

Best mates always know, obviously.

"Boys, stop playing footsie." Weasley's voice is severe but looking at brown eyes the color of really milk chocolate, I can see them dancing in amusement. "If you want to jump each other's bones, go into the storage closet."

"Are you suggesting a threesome?"

Luna butts into the mini-friendly-almost-flirting. "Well, technically, wouldn't it be a foursome? Since this is a group of four. But I don't think people like to jump on bones, so we might want to take that off as a possibility of entertainment…?"

Draco mutters something indistinct under his breath, but I don't kick him this time because me and Weasley are too busy trying not to laugh at Luna 'Loony' Lovegood's cluelessness.

But maybe she can make Draco loony for her.

No pun intended.

Maybe.

Seeing as he's still muttering something with a barely amused look on his face, it's probably going to take a while. A long while to get them closer together.

And maybe Ginny will help me, her and Luna being friends after all.

And there are definitely advantages to me…

What could go drastically wrong?

Famous last words.

TBC