Title: "Disco Master Matsuda"

Author: Sashocirrione

Spoilers: Spoilers for everything up to the point just before the "imprisonment" stuff happens.

Warnings: Rated M for violence and sexual stuff, mostly late in the fic. Attempted sexualized violence.

Summary: Light learns about a new deal he can make with Ryuk, one with a very small price. With it, he could get L's real name. And, what does this have to do with L's dick? Silliness.

Pairings: Slight LxLight and LightxMisa, also a major LxKyoko (a canon minor character most people forget). If you are deliberately looking for hard-core smut, you'll probably be disappointed unless you're interested in LxKyoko. But if you are looking for sexual humor...

Additional Notes: All canon events previous to this have occurred as normal.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.

CHAPTER 1

As Light was walking home late one night, Ryuk suddenly said, "I lied to you earlier, Light. There is another deal I didn't tell you about yet."

"What?"

"Well, I was hoping you'd trade half your life to me, but now I'm completely convinced you never will, so I've got nothing to lose if I tell you about bargain shinigami eyes."

"Ryuk," Light said in a sinister voice, "you should have told me earlier. Is there anything else you're holding back?"

"Nope."

"You sure?"

"Maybe, maybe not."

Light sighed. "Tell me about these bargain shinigami eyes."

Ryuk folded in his wings and settled to the ground, standing in front of Light. He said, "Bargain shinigami eyes are a kind of discount. Well, actually, even the sort of shinigami eyes you trade half your life for are bargain shinigami eyes, in a way. Because, real shinigami will always be able to see more than humans who make any kind of deal. We always give humans a scaled-down version of our own vision, it's just a matter of how scaled down. If you pay less, you get lower quality."

"Like, what are the differences?"

"Well," Ryuk said, reaching out one monstrous hand to grasp the pinky finger on Light's left hand, "no human will ever be able to see this, no matter how high a price they pay, but since I'm a shinigami, I can tell this finger is named Arnold."

Light laughed. "You're shitting me. That finger is named... Arnold? That's completely stupid. And, it isn't even Japanese. Wouldn't my finger at least have a Japanese name?"

Ryuk crouched down, so his face was on the same level as Light's face, and he said, "Do you want to test it by visualizing the finger while writing down 'Arnold' in your death note? You'll lose the finger for sure."

Light shivered. Ryuk had to be joking... but, Light knew better than to test anything dangerous on himself. Besides, he was vain about his appearance.. he wouldn't want to run around with a missing finger. No way.

Light said, "Tell me about this payment scale."

"It's not a scale. There are only two versions. The kind you pay half your life for and the discount kind. Nothing in between."

"Ryuk, will I be able to see L's name with the bargain eyes?"

Ryuk rubbed his chin. "Maybe. The results are variable."

"How variable?"

Ryuk smiled, showing his rows of sharp teeth. "Buyer beware. You get whatever happens."

Light asked, "And the price?"

"Oh," Ryuk said, "I think Arnold will do just fine. Unless you'd rather lose a foot or something?"

"Is there anything smaller than a finger I could lose? Like, maybe a toe?"

"Nope, don't be stupid. Toes don't have names. So, do we have a deal?"

Light nodded. One finger was a small price to pay for the possibility of getting L's real name.

Ryuk took out his death note and let Light watch as he wrote down "Arnold."

Ryuk smirked. Momentarily, Light thought that perhaps all this was an elaborate joke Ryuk was playing on him. Then, at the end of the 40-second countdown, he felt an intense pain in his left hand and looked down to see his pinky finger neatly separating itself. He screamed as blood gushed from the wound. The finger fell to the ground and curled up, turning into a kind of sandy ash.

Light clutched his bleeding wound and rushed home. He glanced around him as he ran, but nobody was out at this time. He couldn't test his new eyes yet.

When Light's mother opened the door, her eyes were completely glued to his injury, but Light's eyes were glued to the space above her head. There was no lifespan floating there, but he saw "Sachiko Yagami" quite clearly. He smiled as his mother bandaged the wound and questioned him about how it happened and whether there was any chance of finding the severed finger to sew it back on. Light made up a plausible story, barely able to contain his delight.

Then Sayu walked in, and Light saw she had "Sayu" above her head. Just "Sayu." Light frowned. Missing lifespans were not a problem, but he needed an entire name to kill L. What would be floating above L's head? A partial name, or a whole name?

Sayu and Sachiko fussed over him endlessly. It seemed they just wouldn't shut up. How excited did they need to get over a little finger? Finally, Light announced he was woozy and that he needed to go to bed. Tomorrow, he'd either have L's name or he'd be closer to the truth. In any case, he'd be able to get the names of some people who had eluded him so far. It had been a good deal.

The next morning, Light received a surprise at breakfast when he opened the refrigerator and saw that most of the food items had numbers floating above them. Unsettled, he grabbed one that didn't, a carton of milk, and took a gulp. He choked and immediately spit it on the floor. It had gone rotten. The numbers must mean how much lifespan the food had. It would be in shinigami time, so Light would need to learn how to do the calculations. It would be simple, but he wondered if it was even worth learning. It didn't matter how long food would last. Light never did the shopping. He just needed to avoid food with no numbers.

On his way to classes, Light looked at everybody and noted the names floating above their heads. It seemed that about half of them had only part of the name instead of the entire name. So, a fifty percent chance of being able to kill L. That was actually pretty good. Light was surprised at a few of the names he saw. Some people had incredibly odd names. And, he also realized animals had names he could see when a few birds flew past during Light's journey, and he noticed that all of them were named "Bird." That made sense. Animals had simple minds.

Light felt his heart beating faster as he approached his first class. L had all the same classes as him, but L skipped a lot, especially lately. Would L be there? Light's breathing hitched as he entered the lecture hall and saw the back of L's head in the crowd of students in front of him. Light rushed forward, following the mop of messy black hair as L made his way to an empty seat. Light tried to control himself. It was all he could do to avoid breaking out into insane laughter. He forced his face into a neutral expression.

Then, L glanced back at him. Light looked above L's head, and saw, "Hideki Ryuga."

Light was stunned, and he couldn't keep a smile off his face. He'd had the right name all along. He never imagined that freak really would have the same name as a famous pop idol. He'd been certain it was a fake. Why had L used his real name? It must be because L was certain Light couldn't kill him because of that whole if-I-die-everyone-will-know-you're-Kira thing.

Well, L was wrong, because Light was smart enough to kill L in such a way that nobody would be able to figure out it was Kira. He had the perfect plan in mind already. Light could hardly wait to start his plan. But, as soon as Light sat down, L immediately noticed Light's missing finger, and Light had to tell him the same excuse he'd told his mother. L's dark eyes were boring into him the entire time he talked, looking skeptical.

Right after class, Light ditched L, hid in a bathroom, and got out the death note paper from his wallet.

Trying to keep the pop idol's face out of his mind, he wrote:

Hideki Ryuga suicide

As soon as possible, announces on television that he is giving up the Kira investigation and will go into hiding again.

Actually does give up the Kira investigation.

Uses the utmost of his intelligence to hide himself and then kill himself in such a way that nobody should realize he's dead until years later, if ever.

Laughing, Light flushed the scrap of paper down the toilet. Now, he just needed to wait.

When Light emerged from the bathroom, L was waiting there. He said, "You look odd. Are you okay?"

Ryuk started laughing like crazy.

Light said, "I'm fine. I guess I'm still a bit nervous because I'm really thinking about joining the investigation. Is your offer still open? Could I come to investigation headquarters today?"

L placed a finger against his lower lip and said, "I'm still thinking about what to do about that. I'll decide, and possibly you can come in tomorrow."

Ryuk said, "I'll tell you one more thing, Light. L's right ear is named 'Susan' and his left ear is named 'Mister Snugglemuffins'."

Light smiled but he didn't reply. As tantalizing as the thought of de-earing L was, he really just needed to let his killing plan unfold without any complications.

The rest of the day, Light was in a giddy haze. It was so wonderful! He'd finally won, for nothing other than the price of a little finger. When he got home, he barely noticed that Sayu was watching her favorite pop star, Hideki Ryuga, on television. But, then, a snatch of the dialogue burned itself into his brain.

Hideki Ryuga said, "Since this is a live show, I want to announce to all my fans that I'm giving up the Kira investigation."

The interviewer sputtered and said, "What?"

Light's hand began shaking just slightly and Ryuk went into uproarious laughter. Sayu's mouth had completely fallen open and she was looking at the screen in shock.

Hideki Ryuga continued, "I will be going into hiding so Kira can't find me. I need to start immediately, so this interview is over now."

Sayu said, "Light! Can you believe that? Hideki Ryuga was searching for Kira? And, how does he think hiding will help since Kira can kill with a face and a name? It doesn't make sense."

Light couldn't believe it. He rushed up to his room to think. Ryuk followed, laughing all the way.

Had he visualized Hideki Ryuga's face while writing the name? Light thought he had for maybe a split second, but he'd visualized L's face much longer. Well, you couldn't kill the same person twice with the death note. He'd just do it again, and this time it would stick to L for sure since the death note could no longer affect Hideki Ryuga.

Light whipped out his death note, and wrote down exactly the same details of death as before. Now, L would die in the right way and nobody else would be smart enough to find Kira.

The next morning, Light checked the morning paper for any news of L. There was none. He hadn't made his announcement yet. However, there was news of Hideki Ryuga. He'd committed suicide in his biggest walk-in closet after hiding himself under a large pile of boxes. That idiot. When L died, he'd use a genius plan so that nobody would think he was even dead. If nobody realized L was dead, nobody could ever blame Kira for it.

Light received a call before he finished with breakfast. It was from L, asking him to come to the investigation center. He probably wanted to announce in front of everyone involved that he was giving up the investigation before he did it on television. It only made sense to do it that way, rather than the other way around.

When Light was traveling over there, he happened to see someone walking a dog named "Human." He snickered when he saw it. Some people had no sense in naming their pets.

When Light got to the investigation center, which was a suite in a luxury hotel, he couldn't help but gasp in surprise when L answered the door and he saw L's name. It wasn't Hideki Ryuga now; it was just the single letter "L" floating above L's head.

L said, "It is surprising, I guess, if you haven't seen suites this luxurious before."

Light got himself under control and followed L inside. What had happened? Did L get suspicious and legally change his name? But, if so, then "L" had to be just part of his real name. There was no way that could be the whole name. Still, Light decided to try it as soon as he got away. Some nations had very few requirements for what was allowed as a legal name.

L brought Light further into the suite, where Light's father and the rest of the investigation team members were waiting. L introduced them all with names he said were fake. Light examined the names floating above their heads. Some were partial names, some full names, but one stood out. It was above a young man who had been introduced as "Touta Matsui" but Light knew his real name since his father had brought him home a few times. Light remembered him as "Touta Matsuda."

But, Matsuda's name was apparently "Disco Master" instead of "Touta Matsuda." Had he really changed it to something so silly? Well, from what Light remembered, the guy was pretty goofy.

To test it, Light said, "Matsui, I remember you. You're Matsuda, right?"

Matsuda said, "Yes."

Could the bargain shinigami eyes show the wrong names? But, then, if L had changed his name to better hide himself from Kira, perhaps Matsuda had too. Light couldn't just ask Matsuda if he'd changed his name lately. That would be too suspicious, especially while L was around.

With the introductions done, L explained that there was someone still hidden called "Watari" who would make sure Light was arrested as Kira if every investigator died. That would make it safe to be around Light.

Light wanted to laugh. He had no interest in killing these buffoons as long as L died. And, L was smart enough to hide his death from Watari. L began distributing folders of information about Hideki Ryuga's death.

Damn! L moves too fast and notices everything. I need to dispose of him quickly.

L said, "What we are seeing is the first case of Kira's power accidentally targeting the wrong person, in a situation where Kira had two faces and one name that was linked to both faces. We don't know how Kira's power works, but when we see a misfire, it gives us clues. Why would Kira try to get Hideki Ryuga to give up the Kira investigation? This only makes sense if Kira thought L was named Hideki Ryuga. Unless there has been a serious leak, nobody should think that except the people in this room. In fact, nobody here except Light should think that, since I already told the rest it's a fake name."

Light said, "If I'm Kira, then I would have to be pretty stupid. I mean, it's an obvious alias. Besides, if I thought that 'Hideki Ryuga' is your real name, then why did I wait so long to do this? And, I thought Kira was only supposed to kill using heart attacks."

L took a sip of his coffee, made a face, and dropped a few more sugar cubes in. He replied, "That's true. This event doesn't prove anything; it just puts you under a lot more suspicion. Light, what do you deduce about this development?"

Light thought fast. "If this isn't just a weird coincidence, then Kira is, or has access to, someone who knows you as Hideki Ryuga at my university. However, that person would also need to suspect you are L. We've had a few conversations about you being L that may have been overheard. We probably weren't far enough from bystanders. Any of those people could have spread the rumor once one person heard it. Perhaps it's been traveling from person to person in a long chain of gossip and it just now reached Kira."

"That is plausible," L replied, "and I was already thinking along similar lines. The best way to trap Kira, then, would be to attempt to trace the leak. Light and myself are already in a perfect position to investigate. We should continue as if..."

Just then, L's cellphone rang. He pulled it delicately from his pocket with two fingers and answered. At that exact moment, the name above L's head changed from "L" to "Eraldo Coil."

That name sounded familiar. Light thought, tried to remember, as L talked with whoever it was in short, vague phrases holding almost no information.

Wait! That's the second greatest detective in the world. Does that mean L is him too? Or, do these stupid bargain shinigami eyes apply names haphazardly? One great detective is much the same as another. Maybe these eyes would show Eraldo Coil to have L's real name.

L got off the phone, and instantly, his name returned to "L" once more. He said, "As I was saying, Light and myself are already posing as college students in proximity to the presumed leak or leaks. It would be simplest for us investigate, and since we look as if we're supposed to be there, it would avoid risking the lives of anyone."

As all the investigators began discussing the details of L's plan, Light tried to understand what was happening with L's name. L couldn't have legally changed it one way and then back again so quickly, and the changes had coincided exactly with the beginning and end of the phone call. Hideki Ryuga had appeared to be L's name when he was playing that role at college.

Perhaps the name shown was whatever role people thought they were playing. Light was reminded of the birds named "Bird" and the dog named "Human." That must be what those creatures thought of themselves as. But, did Matsuda really think of himself as "Disco Master" even when at work? Most people displayed things that looked like real names, or portions of them. And, L knew he wasn't really Hideki Ryuga, so why did he think of himself as that while at college?

Thinking it over, Light became even surer that "Disco Master" could not be Matsuda's real name, and therefore asking about it couldn't draw any suspicion from L. And, Light needed to understand his new power as fast as possible. Trying to corner Matsuda secretly later would probably be more suspicious than asking about it outright.

Light could see that Matsuda wasn't really involved in the conversation the others were having. They looked as if they didn't take Matsuda seriously. Light sidled over to Matsuda and said, "Let's see if I can remember. Aren't you the one they call 'Disco Master'?"

Matsuda jumped slightly in surprise and then said, "Wow, Light! I didn't know you knew so much about me. Yeah, that's my nickname at a lot of karaoke bars."

So, nicknames could display, along with real names, portions of real names, and aliases. Plus, the name displayed could change. Light hadn't seen any name changes except in L, but then L was a man of many roles. However, only real names worked in the death note.

What I need to do is to get L into the role of his real self, so his real name will display. How do I make L stop thinking of himself as a detective, or about his role as a fake college student, and just think of himself as a person?

Light decided he'd be spending a lot more time with L from then on. He needed to be there when L's name changed to the correct one. He'd just keep trying out every name he saw in the death note while visualizing L's face, and there would be no more mistakes like there had been with the real Hideki Ryuga.

A/N (Author's Note):

Thanks to everyone who suggested a name for L's penis in this fic. I've made a selection, but it looks like you'll need to wait until chapter 3 to see it.

This was inspired by a prompt on the death note meme (not the death note kink meme, rather the non-kink meme) community on livejournal, and I thought it would be about PG rated, but as I wrote it, it turned out kinky. Since that meme is non-kink, I decided not to post it there.

Yes, yes, this is another procrastination fic. I had updated two of my in-progress fics ("Fifty Days" and "The Sugar Cube Fort") in just two days, and I was feeling worn out by the plot complexities and perfectionism I'm trying to instill into the next chapter of "Fever Dreams" so I happened to write this.

Never fear, I will busily get back to work on my in-progress fics soon.