Herpunzel
By Captain Sparkle
(aka starstruck and Tuvok Pi Alpha)
Warning: We guarantee that reading this will lose you brain cells.
Note: Do not read this thinking you will get an accurate representation of Rapunzel or Harry Potter. It's rather warped and twisted and barely recognizable. Please, please, try not to take us seriously.
--
Once upon a time, there lived two dentists. The dentists loved each other very very much and wished very very much for a little girl. Sadly, they could not seem to have a child, no matter how diligently they tried. They had no idea why not, and were very very sad.
(The narrators are perfectly aware that as two people with at least some medical background, the dentists should at least try to figure out why, but have chosen to ignore that fact. Leave us alone. We know we're stupid.)
But one dark stormy night...
Er, make that – one bright and sunny day, they found out that they were, in fact pregnant.
...and they were overjoyed. Yay.
Anyway, as we forgot to mention before, across the street, there lived wicked ugly old lady named Snape. Snape was wicked and ugly.
But Snape had a pretty garden of golden orange carrots.
Anyway, Mrs. Dentist was very big and pregnant, and those carrots looked really pretty and golden and stuff. Even though they grow underground and she couldn't see them. And every day, she stared across the street and Snapey's beautiful garden of carrots that she couldn't see and wished that she could have some carrots but Snapey didn't want to share.
One day, she wanted those golden orange carrots that she couldn't see so very very much that she told Mr. Dentist that if he didn't go get some, she would bite him. Mr. Dentist was very very intimidated and so he waited until he could hear Snapey in the shower singing "I'm Too Sexy" and went over and got some. And Snapey didn't catch him, so they were all very happy.
The next day, after Mrs. Dentist had actually seen the carrots, she decided that she wanted them even more. Ehehehehe. So she told Mr. Dentist that she would bite him again if he didn't go get her more carrots RIGHT NOW.
...ignoring the fact that she hadn't bitten him the first place.
"But Mrs. Dentist," said Mr. Dentist, "Snape is not distracted in the shower with his sexiness!"
(Wait... but he's a wicked ugly old lady...)
Mrs. Dentist didn't particularly care. She wanted her carrots.
Mr. Dentist sighed and went to go get the carrots.
Snapey was over in the garden admiring his beautiful carrots. And such lovely carrots they were.
And he knew, because he could see the carrots with his SNAPEYINVISAVISION!
(snapeyinvisavision snay-pee-in-vis-uh-vish-un: Snape's superpower. The ability to see through dirt. Or mud.)
Anyway. Along came Mr. Dentist, who, in a fit of stupidity, just kinda walked up and started pulling the carrots out while Snapey was watching. Snapey wasn't very happy.
"Sneer," said Snapey.
"Did you just... say... sneer?" asked Mr. Dentist.
"Yes. Sneer," said Snapey.
"Okaybye," said Mr. Dentist, starting to head back across the street with the pretty golden orange carrots.
He stepped into the street and got run over by a car. The end.
(Please excuse us for a moment while we go, you know, actually read the book. It might be a little helpful.)
That last sentence about the car was just kidding.
Anyway.
Snapey was still not very happy so he yelled.
"YOU COME BACK WITH MY CARROTS! Sneer."
"NO!"
"YES! Sneer."
"NO!"
"This is pointless. Come back with my carrots. Sneer."
"No."
"Yes. Sneer."
"My wife will bite m—er, be very very sad."
"Give me your baby and I will let you keep the carrots. Sneer." You see, Snapey had always wanted a little girl of his/her very very own to hate.
"Okie!" Said Mr. Dentist. He was having a stupid day.
So Mr. Dentist skipped off with his carrots and was happy.
Until about halfway across the street when he realized that he had just traded his baby for carrots. He was so sad he just stood there and got hit by another car.
No he didn't get hit by a car. That part was kidding too.
"Heywaitaminute..." said Mr. Dentist. But there was nothing he could do now because he had already traded the baby.
But when he got home he had a very very smart plan. He would not give the baby to Snapey.
Anyway. One day they gave birth to a beautiful girl, whose name was Hermione.
(I thought we were writing Rapunzel?)
... to a beautiful girl, whose name was Rapunzamione.
(That's a dumb name.)
... to a beautiful girl, whose name was Hermunzel.
... to a beautiful girl, whose name was Rapmione.
... to a beautiful girl, whose name was Rapunzione.
... to a beautiful girl, whose name was Hermiapunzel.
... to a beautiful girl, whose name was Herpunzel.
(That's the one.)
Herpunzel was very very beautiful. Even though she was just a baby, and all babies are beautiful... SHE WAS BEAUTIFULLER.
But then one day... er, the day after she was born, actually, Snapey came to take her away. Mr. Dentist's plan didn't work. But then, we all saw that coming. So Snapey took her away and locked her in very very tall tower with a magic smell.
Spell.
Now, Herpunzel is very very smart, and we all know this, so it's easy to assume that she could simply undo Snapey's spell, but she didn't bring her wand. Her wand was in the sharp thorny bushes below the tower.
The very very tall tower had no doors... and only one window at the very very top where Herpunzel lived. Now, Herpunzel's hair was not exactly long enough to climb up under normal circumstances. But her hair was also very very bushy and very very wild. So when Snapey wanted to visit her, which was a lot because he hated her very very much, he used the hair-straighteneing...
So she used the hair-straightening spell that is common knowledge to all fanfiction authors, because it is very common in badfic.
"HAIRIGUS STRAIGHTNIUS! Sneer."
...And Herpunzel's hair would straighten and reveal how very very long it really was. It was very very long. So Snapey would climb up Herpunzel's very very long hair and Herpunzel would say 'ow.'
"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Owie. Ow. Ow. Owwww..."
…And so Snape would come up and hate her. And then he would leave and use the hair re-frizzer spell just because he was mean like that.
"HAIRIGUS REFRIZZIFYIGUSIWUS. Sneer."
But Herpunzel was very very lonely. So she asked Snapey to bring her some books to read in her spare time (and she had a lot of spare time).
"Sneer," said Snapey. "Fine."
So Snapey brought her lots and lots of books that he thought were extremely boring for girls her age, but Herpunzel found them fascinating, because... well... she was Herpunzel. And that's just how Herpunzel is.
But strangely enough, she was still lonely.
One day, Prince Ron was wondering aimlessly through the forest aimlessly when he heard a girl's voice muttering to herself. A minute later, he found the very very tall tower that the noise was coming from.
Now, I'm sure you expect Ron to immediately fall in love with Herpunzel's frenzied mutterings, because that's how Rapunzel goes... but Ron is male and has not realized this yet. Mostly because he is male (the prince in Rapunzel was metrosexual.)
(metrosexual meh-troh-sex(hehehehez)-ew-uhl: a man who acts gay as in, has good taste in clothes and uses beauty products, as well has a correctly operating brain but is actually straight.)
"She's nutters," said Prince Ron just loudly enough for her to hear, and walked away.
The next day, Prince Ron brought his friend Harry to see Herpunzel. They hid in the bushes and watched as Prince Krum came to see Herpunzel.
"Hariguz Sturentenus!" said Krum. But alas, because of his foreign accent, the spell did not work. Actually, it was likely more because the authors were not extremely fond of him, but whatever the reason, Krum could not get up into the tower with Herpunzel.
"Hey, I know that spell!" said Ron.
"You do?" frowned Harry, surprised.
"It's in a lot of badfic!" explained Ron huffily.
"You read that crap?" asked Harry, taking a step back.
"No," said Ron quickly, but Harry noticed his ears turning pink.
Anyway, they went up and did the spell on Herpunzel's hair, because they were very very bored and they felt like it. Magically, her bushy mess came down all the way to the ground.
"Er... now what?" asked Harry.
"Dunno," frowned Ron.
So they walked away again.
The next day, the came back, mostly because it was the summer holidays and Harry was rather sick of losing at wizard's chess. Herpunzel's hair was frizzy again, so they decided to straighten it again for fun.
Once again, it magically bounced down to their level, but they were still rather confused as to what to do after that.
"Oh, honestly," said Herpunzel's voice from the tower. "You climb it. Don't you read?"
But she soon regretted saying anything at all.
"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Owie. Ow. Ow. Owwww..."
Harry and Ron climbed into the tower and saw Herpunzel.
"Hi, I'm Harry!" said Prince Harry with a big smile.
Ron didn't say anything.
"I'm Herpunzel," said Herpunzel. "And... you are?" she said, looking pointedly at Ron.
"I'm sand and you're nuts," said Ron.
"Er... Ron? Don't you mean sane?" asked Harry, bewildered.
"Right," said Ron, "bloody typos."
"Hello Harry and... Ron," said Herpunzel.
"Hi!" said Harry brightly, as this was pre-Order of the Phoenix and he was a very happy person all the time.
Ron didn't say anything, so Harry pinched his ear.
"Harry... what the hell—o, Herpunzel."
"Hi!" said Harry again.
"We're princes," said Ron, "BYE!"
Because Harry and Ron were still very bored, they kept coming up to visit Herpunzel every day. Harry and Herpunzel became friends. Eventually, Ron became friends with Herpunzel as well. A troll was somehow involved, but the authors were waaaaay too lazy to come up with a plausible way to make that happen. But since Ron and Harry did not know the re-frizzing spell (it wasn't in any badfic Ron had read), they never refrizzed her hair.
One day, a couple years later, Ron and Harry were visiting Herpunzel when all the sudden, Krum came up (Ron and Harry had left her hair straight and hanging, as usual) in Bulgarian dress robes.
"It iz time for zee Yull Ball!" he said.
(The authors couldn't exactly remember how the whole Bulgarian accent thing went. Oops.)
"WHAT?" said Ron and Harry.
But Herpunzel stood up and, Cinderella-style, morphed into beautiful blue dress robes and her hair became frizzy, and she started waltzing around the room with Krum.
Ron was strangely jealous. He had never seen her hair frizzy before.
"Ron, are you jealous?"
"No," said Ron.
"Oh," said Harry.
"I'm not jealous," said Ron, "I just don't think Herpunzel should be dancing with some fat... old... ugly... clumsy... hairy... dirty... messy... fat... old... ugly..."
"I get the point," said Harry.
"... Bulgarian git," finished Ron with much flair.
After a long, long time (especially for Harry, whose date was... missing?), the Yule ball was over and everybody went home (except for Herpunzel, who kindof lived there). They had to re-straighten her hair so they could climb out.
That night, Snapey came and saw that her hair was straight (four years late, but... who's counting?) and wondered about it.
And the he had an OMGIMSNAPEYANDIAMVERYVERYSMART moment and he realized – Herpunzel got visitors!
So he climbed up ("Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Owie. Ow. Ow. Owwww...") and sat there, hating her hatingly and tried to think of a plan.
He stayed up all night and finally he had a WONDERFUL
MAGICAL
BRILLIANT
SUPER-BRILLIANT
AWSOME
SMART
idea!
So he stayed up all morning too, waiting for her friends to come.
Finally, they did.
"HAIRIGUS STRAIGHTNIUS!" said Ron grumpily.
Snape sneered at the thought of what he was going to do to Herpunzel's new (?) friends.
"Sneer," whispered Snapey.
"Ow. Don't. Ow. Come. Ow. Up. Ow. Snapey. Ow. Has. Owie. Veryvery. Ow. Evil. Ow. Plot. Owwww..." said Herpunzel.
"What?" said Ron, confused, "that's not what she normally says."
"Whatever," said Harry. He was having a stupid day.
But when they got to the top, they were face to face with...
SNAPEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," screamed Ron. "A WICKED UGLY OLD LADY NAMED SNAPE!"
"Herpunzel, why didn't you warn us?" asked Harry mournfully.
"Oh, honestly," mumbled Herpunzel.
"Mwaha. Ha. Haha. Sneer," said Snapey. And he pushed them out the window into the bushes.
But they didn't die because... the bushes were soft and cushiony. (The authors are far too lazy to think of a better idea).
"SNEEEEEER!"
"That was a lucky fall," said Harry.
"What soft, cushiony bushes," said Ron, laying back in them, "Hey, ow! Something poked me!"
He turned around to check.
"OH MY GOD, IT'S HERPUNZEL'S WAND!" yelled Ron.
"OH MY GOD, IT'S HERPUNZEL'S WAND!" yelled Harry.
They already knew it was Herpunzel's because they were smart like that.
"OH MY GOD, IT'S MY WAND," said Herpunzel, coming to the window.
"OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED HARRY," said Ron.
"What?" asked Harry.
"I don't know," said Ron, shrugging, "It just felt right."
"OH NO, IT'S HERPUNZEL'S WAND. SNEER," said Snapey, distressed. Luckily, he was a smart ugly wicked old lady, so he came up with a plan right away.
"Herpunzel will never get her wand! Sneer," he yelled, turning towards her. "HAIRIGUS FRIZZFOREVERIUSANDNEVERIUSGOIUSBACKIUSTOSTRAIGHTIUS! Sneer."
"Don't worry, Herpunzel!" yelled Ron. "I brought my wand. Wingardium Leviosa!"
Nothing happened.
"Stop, stop, stop, you're going to poke Harry's eye out!" groaned Herpunzel. "Besides, it's Leviohhhhsa, not Leviosaaaaaaa."
"FINE," said Ron. "WINGARDIUM LEVIOOOOSA."
And Herpunzel's wand floated up to her. She grabbed it, stunned Snapey, and jumped into the soft, cushiony bushes.
"I love you, Herpunzel!" said Ron happily.
"Really? I love you, Ron!" said Herpunzel happily. And they kissed for a lonnnggggg time and Ron turned increasingly red. And people cheered and fireworks went off and stuff.
And then they got married and had lots of sex (eheeehehez) and babies.
THE END.