SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: THE TEST(IE)S OF LIFE
By: Shawn Jones
Rated R for the use of the word fuck and other obscenities.
Here
is the legal crap in black and white for you.
Sonic the
Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and
Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics.
These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing
so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding
Copyright restrictions.
It was around three in the morning, Tails and Sally were waiting at the airport for Sonic's plane to arrive. Tails lay on a bench with Sally behind him on an opposite bench, they were sleeping. Sonic came in through the terminal and thought he might play a trick on Tails. Sonic dropped his baggage and sneaked up to the bench Tails was on.
"Surprise asshole," Sonic yelled.
"Oh shit, Sonic you made me piss myself." Just then Sally awoke.
"What the fuck? Tails did you piss all over the bench? That's what the fucking bathrooms for."
"Sonic scared me."
"Sonic you Ass Jedi! You two fuck-ups best clean it." After they cleaned it up they figured it would be best to check into a hotel. The only one that had a room available was "Jester's Junk (Smell Good Don't They)". It was a hotel casino, where the rooms took up entire floors, which Tails found quite amazing.
"So, about how much will the room cost?" Sally asked.
"Well, with three people that would be around $15000 a night," the clerk replied.
"Holy fucking shit, the hotel should be called Jester's gonna break your balls when you ask the price," Sonic said in disgust.
"Sonic, you know it's the onliest place to stay," Tails said pouting.
"Yeah Sonic, we have to. We'll take the room." After they got everything situated, the trio took the elevator up to their room. It just so happened that their room was located on the top floor of the building. As soon as they stepped into the room Tails started jumping up and down on the bed like a three year old.
"Tails," Sally said very annoyed, "knock that crap off and go to bed. You can sleep on the pull out couch, I'll sleep on the queen bed, and Sonic can sleep in the king."
"Well," Tails ventured, "If you sleep with Sonic, I can have the queen bed."
"Tails," Sonic angrily retorted, "I don't care if you had to sleep in a pile of shit, you filthy bastard. So go take your suggestion and cram them straight up your ass."
"Sonic, that's not very nice, leave Tails alone. I personally like the idea."
"What the fuck?!"
"I paid for the room Sonic."
"Fine, have it your way, but don't expect me to like it. You wait just a second here, do you remember what happened last time we stayed in a hotel?"
"Sonic, that was a long time ago..."
"Yeah well you can't be havin' some crazy fucking dreams if you're in my bed."
"What happened Sonic?" inquired Tails.
"Well she had a dream where Robotnik was drinking a slim fast..."
"Tails it's time for bed, now."
"Okay, 'night Aunt Sally, 'night Sonic." Everyone went to sleep around the same time, but not everybody would have a peaceful night sleep...
The Dream
She was fleeing for her life, but all there were no windows or doors to escape from. Sally found that the place looked familiar, all too familiar. She spotted something out of the corner of her eye, it looked like a dryer. She ran over to it thinking it might be an exit. Sally opened the door to the dryer and screamed at the horrifying sight of Robotnik consuming a Slim Fast inside. She was then zapped outside of the fortress, she ran for her life. After a few miles Sally had to stop and rest, next to a dumpster. All of the sudden Rotor and Antoine popped out of the dumpster; Rotor was holding a rotten banana peal and started eating it.
"You are ze fooking gross," Antoine said disgusted.
"What, it's normal to eat when you're hungry."
"Of course no, you are ze fooking quack."
"But I'm hungry," Rotor complained. Both of them turned towards Sally.
"Are you zinking what I'm zinking?"
"Yeah," Rotor said as both of the animals grew fangs and their eyes glowed red. "I'm so hungry..." Both opened their mouths wide for a snack...
Sally woke up screaming, Sonic and Tails were awoken by all the noise.
"What is it Sally?" questioned Sonic.
"Dumpster...red eyes..."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Dryer...Robotnik...Slim Fast..."
"Shit, another fucked up dream."
A Night Out
Robotnik sat in his favorite chair, pondering how to rule the world once more. He was concocting a plan, that wouldn't involve the hedgehog.
"Well screw this I need something to eat first," he said to himself. "I'll call up my favorite Mexican restaurant Unos Muchachos." He made reservations, jumped into his car, and took off. Robotnik arrived at the restaurant and waited to be seated.
"Your name sir?"
"Robotnik, Ivo Robotnik, I had reservations."
"Right this way, sir." He gave Robotnik a menu to look over and then his waiter came by, who couldn't speak English.
"I want two tacos, no green shit, lettuce, comprendi amigo?" The waiter wrote something down and left. The waiter came back fifteen minutes later, but the tacos had no tomatoes. "You dumb ass, I said no green shit, not red shit. Take this back and get it right asshole." The waiter again wrote something down and left. When the waiter came back he had only one taco with no cheese. "Fuck you amigo I'm leavin'." Robotnik stormed out the door and took off back to his house.
When he arrived he sat back down in his chair and an idea hit him.
"I have it," he explained to himself, "I have to create a device, a location reader. All that I would have to do is call up Knothole for a matter of minutes and the device would tell me exactly where it was. This time them fuckers gonna die. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
Can You Handle the Truth?
In the morning Sonic packed his things, being as he was the only one who had luggage, and they were about to go to breakfast.
"Sonic, what's wrong with Aunt Sally?"
"Dunno, I'll ask her, but I think it was that dream. Hey Sal, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure, Tails leave go get some continental breakfast, we'll be right down."
"Okay." Tails left the room and there was complete silence.
"What do you want Sonic?"
"I just want to know what that dream was all about, maybe if you get it off your chest you'll feel better."
"Okay, but under one condition, you can't laugh."
"I won't laugh, if it's not funny."
"Sonic!"
"Just kidding, let's have it." Sally told Sonic everything about the dream, he seemed to smirk when she told him about Robotnik in the dryer. "Excuse me Sally, um I gotta go to the bathroom." Sonic dashed off and pealed out in laughter, when he came back Sally was crying. "What's wrong?"
"You told me you wouldn't laugh, you know Sonic I just figured something out."
"What might that be?"
"You can't handle the truth, and you're an asshole. It's not funny, if you saw it in your dream you wouldn't have laughed."
"I would have laughed like this, ha ha, because it's funny. A four hundred pound man drinking Slim Fast out of a dryer ain't funny?"
"Not really Sonic."
"You're right, it's fucking hilarious." Sonic broke out in an unstoppable laughter.
"Tails and I are going home, I hope you're happy with yourself." Sonic just kept laughing and laughing as Sally stormed out the door.
Sally went downstairs and found Tails. They walked to Knothole and fixed lunch then they went out to walk through the Great Forest.
"Hey Auntie Sally?" Tails asked.
"Yes Tails."
"I was wondering why we left Sonic at the hotel."
"Well, first let me explain something to you. Sonic is an asshole, his whole life all he does is laugh at other people's misfortunes. He is self-centered, egotistical, and still immature. He doesn't care for anyone or anything, he just laughs his way through life. Sonic thinks life is a big joke and that just isn't right."
"Wow Auntie Sally, that was intense."
After Sonic's laughing fit ended and his gambling ceased he started off to Knothole. When he arrived there he found a note on the refrigerator that read:
Tails and I went on a stroll through the Great Forest to clear our heads. We already had lunch, so you can fix what you like, with the stuff we have in the fridge. Anyways I hope you're done being an ass. See you soon.
Love,
Sally
Sonic ripped the note off and started digging through the fridge.
"Of course fix something with the shit in the fridge, oh wait what shit in the fridge." He continued to rummage through the fridge, "What the fuck is this," he said tossing it aside. "Well I'll be, a Mike's Hard Lemonade," he took a drink. "Wow this shit is good, better find some more." He continued for a few more minutes until he dropped the idea of eating lunch. "I might as well watch that movie I rented from the Blockbastard, or Blockbuster I don't know. All I know is that Douche Bagalow was a fine choice for a movie." He walked over to the TV and put the movie into the VCRotor (don't ask) and started watching it. About a half hour latter Sally and Tails walked in the door.
"Sonic what is this?" Sally asked disgusted.
"Douche Bagalow, it's funny as hell." Sonic turned his attention to the movie and started busting up.
"Wow this movie is cool Sonic," Tails said intently watching.
"Sonic, Tails can't watch this movie."
"Hey Tails, wanna watch Bad Santa instead?"
"Yeah!"
"No Sonic, you can't watch that either." Sonic turned off the movie and turned on some hockey. "Sonic that's violent, Tails might become deranged."
"He already is deranged, anyway it's just hockey."
"Yeah Aunt Sally, they just beat the shit out of each other."
"I will not tolerate that language from you young man, go to the room." Sonic ignored their conversation and continued to watch the hockey game.
"Bastard Ducks, scored again. This game blows." He quickly changed the channel to the Mobius news. Sally walked over to the couch and sat down with him.
"Sonic, you want to try something?"
"Like what, they're telling the crime rate in Robotropolis."
"It'll be fun."
"No, I'm busy."
"Come on it will be hot."
"Like what stick my ass on a hot barbeque, or maybe smash my face on a hot stove top, or better yet broil my dumb ass in a broiling oven. This really does sound like a hell of a time, now can I watch the news?"
"All you do is watch your fucking news all day, why can't you do something fun for a change." Sally stormed up stairs in dismay.
"Now I can watch the news in peace."
Ass Gasket 3000
Robotnik had just finished the Ass Gasket 3000 AKA location detector. Now all he had to do was call up Knothole Village and talk for one minutes. He went to the phone and dialed it up.
"Hello?" Sally asked.
"Hey baby."
"Who is this?"
"You know who I am. I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself and I'm loaded with secret sauce."
"Excuse me?"
"I know you want me, but you can't have me."
"What in the hell are you talking about?" Sally asked very puzzled.
"Isn't this a phone sex line?"
"No!"
"Sorry, wrong number." Robotnik hung up the phone, but his Ass Gasket 3000 said he needed a Chaos Emerald to complete the tracking. "Well it looks like I'll be going back to the Floating Islands. I'll just print fake money to pay for it for I am a genius HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I'll just purchase a plane ticket to the Floating Islands, and all will be good."
Back in Knothole Sally tried to explain the mysterious phone call to Sonic.
"So let me get this straight, you called a phone sex line?"
"No, someone called us and thought it was a phone sex line," Sally said for the one hundredth time.
"Oh, why the hell would someone think that?"
"I'm not sure, oh well it doesn't really matter. You know, that kind of gets me thinking..."
"Yeah, what about?"
"Oh never mind Sonic."
"Why do you keep getting pissed at me, I was just asking. Anyhow, I think we need a new look around here, I'm going to Sally's."
"Did you finally take my hint?"
"What the fuck are you talking about? I just want to go to the Salvation Army to get some different furniture."
"You're no fun Sonic."
"Whatever, are you feeling alright? You seem to be acting strange all of the sudden."
"I could be better..."
"Is that a hint?"
"You're catching on," Sally said as she turned and walked upstairs.
"Sonic, what was that all about?" Tails asked.
"Couldn't tell you..." Sonic turned to the TV and saw William Shatner on a stool with a guitar.
"My life-used-to-suck-un-til-I start-ed-buy-ing at useless-overpriced-crap-dot-org," Shatner said. "The oth-er day I was at the groc-ery store and I met a fri-end and he told me-to start buy-ing at usless-overpriced-crap-dot-org. I tell-all of you watch-ing that you ne-ed to bid on useless-overpriced-crap-dot-org, busta move."
"Now, what the hell was that all about?"
Robotnik sat back and relaxed in his first-class seat, just as the plane landed. He walked to the car rental desk.
"Yes, how may I help you?" the service lady asked.
"I need a fucking car, why else would someone be here?"
"Sir, you don't need to use that kind of language."
"Just get me a car bitch." The woman looked at her screen and started typing.
"Um, sir, I don't think you'll fit in the cars we have available."
"What did you say?"
"You won't fit."
"Well, will my foot fit up your ass, because it will be there soon if you DON'T GET ME A FUCKING CAR!"
"We do have a Jeep available, will that suffice."
"Yeah, whatever just give me a car." After Robotnik got his car situated, he took off to see Knuckles. He drove up a hill and spotted a mansion where Knuckles used to keep his Chaos Emeralds. Robotnik got out of the car and knocked on the door. A woman came to the door.
"Yes, how may I help you?"
"I need to speak to Knuckles."
"He's very busy right now, but I'll see what I can do." After a few minutes the woman returned to the front door.
"He's getting ready, he'll be with you in a second." She closed the door, and a minute or so later Knuckles opened the door. He was adorned with gold chains (ice, bling bling), rings on all his fingers, a gold walking stick, and of all things a fur cape.
"Come in," Knuckles said. He led Robotnik into his living room. To Robotnik it seemed as though women worshiped this man. "Yes mon, what you need, I'm very busy mon"
"I can see that Big Pimpin', Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to sell a chaos emerald to me."
"Well, for the right price I do anyting, mon."
"Here is your payment," Robotnik said handing Knuckles the fake cash.
"What de fucks mon, you try to rip me off. I get dis bill all de time."
"Oh sorry, do you take plastic?"
"No, but for you I make exception." As Knuckles went back to run the card a Miss Cleo commercial came on. Knuckles came back, "You can go out to the garden mon, and pick an emerald of your fancy."
"Thanks, can I use your phone?"
"Sure mon, tis over there." Robotnik picked up the phone and called Miss Cleo's hotline.
"This is Miss Cleo, I want to give you a tarot card readin'. What is your name so I get the right cards, mon."
"Ivo Robotnik."
"Yes Ivy, the cards..."
"Ivo, not Ivy."
"Sorry Ivo, the cards is lookin' good this evenin'. I pulled out a sun card, good luck be happenin' to ya soon. Oh, I pulled an assisted suicide king, the card with the knight shovin' the sword up the king's ass, very good card."
"Hot damn, this must be my lucky day."
"Oh no, I pulled a moon card..."
"Ah shit," Robotnik said, "Damn you and your tarot cards to hell you fucking bitch." He hung up, "Damn, and I was doin' good too."
A Problematic Situation
(A Real Quagmire)
"Hey Sonic," Tails has some great items for low prices."
"You stupid fuck, anywhose we need to go to Sally's for some furniture." Sonic and Tails went to the heart of Robotropolis to find the local Salvation Army. Sonic picked out a couch, that looked new, for ten bucks. They brought the new couch in and situated it in the house. Shortly after, there was a knocking at the door, Sonic went to answer it.
"Yes?"
"Does a Tails live here? If so just sign here," the UPS man said.
"Okay," Sonic signed and brought the package inside. He put it on the table and opened it up. "Tails, what the fuck is this shit?" Tails came running over.
"Sweet, it's here."
"What's here?"
"My George Forman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine, I bought it off of It only cost 99 dollars, what a deal huh?"
"Tails, how exactly did you pay for this?"
"Well, when Sally was in the bathroom, I rummaged through her purse and took a credit card."
"When she finds out she'll kick your ass."
"Think I can cook some burgers tonight?" Tails asked.
"Yeah, if you're not dead, you dumb sum bitch." Sonic turned and saw Sally coming through the door.
"Look what I bought Auntie Sally," Tails said as he held up the Forman Grilling Machine.
"Where in the hell did you get the money to buy that thing?" Sally asked.
"That little douche bag stole a credit card from your purse," Sonic said grinning.
"Sonic, how many times do I have to tell you to watch your language around Tails?"
"Fucked if I know, just trying to give you the heads up on that stealing bitch."
"Sonic, curve the language every other word that comes out of your mouth is fuck. Now Tails, is this true?"
"No, Sonic stole the credit card and tried to blame it on me," Tails said in a whimpering voice.
"Damn it, Sonic YOU'RE the douche bag. You make me sick, trying to blame your thievery on Tails...
"Well, fuck me running," Sonic interrupted, "I didn't think you would side with that little bastard, he steals shit all the time."
"There you go on again swearing, I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap," Sally said and went to the bathroom and grabbed the soap.
"Oh hell no," Sonic said as he took off out the door. Ten minutes later Sonic returned, he found Sally sitting on the couch. "Hey, Sally you want to lay some pipe?"
"What?!"
"You know, munch on the rug," Sonic said grinning.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Damn it, first I don't get the hints, then I give them and you don't get them."
"Oh, sorry you missed your turn to ride this carnival Sonic," Sally said and got up and went to her room.
"Hey Tails, you want to play a dirty trick on Sally?" Sonic asked.
"Yeah, she sent me to the room the other day."
"Well okay, what I want to do is make a dummy that looks like me, you get it so far?"
"I think so."
"What I want to do with the dummy is shoot it in the head and act like I just killed myself, understand?"
"Yes..."
"I'm not finished, what I want you to do is scream, no Sonic, don't do it. Do you understand this whole procedure?"
"Yeah, this is gonna be cool." In around a half hour Sonic and Tails made the dummy, and also went over Tails one line. They planned out the whole scenario and felt pretty good about it.
"Okay Tails, its show time." Sonic went back behind a counter, to get in range to shoot the dummy. "Now Tails."
"No Sonic, don't do it!" Tails screamed. Sonic shot the head off of the dummy and fake blood started squirting out. Sally came running downstairs to see what was happening.
"Sally, Sonic kilt himself," Tails said in a pouting voice.
"Why?"
"I guess he just couldn't take it anymore." Just then Sonic popped up from behind the counter.
"Surprise, it's just a joke Sal." Sonic and Tails began to laugh hysterically. Sally looked around confused, then burst into tears and ran upstairs.
"I guess she didn't think it was funny Sonic," Tails said after he was finished laughing.
"Yeah, I guess not."
All Shapes and Sizes
Sonic was sitting on the new couch watching TV, when the most unusual of commercials came on. Knuckles appeared on the screen holding a bottle of something.
"New and improved pimping products, with the new secret ingredient: Pimpex. Now for our blind taste test, mon." Knuckles walked over to two men strapped in chairs. He walked over to one of them. "He don't look happy, mon. He's been using Brand X." Knuckles walked over to the other man. "But with Knuckles Pimping Brand you get a bitch again and again. I know what you're saying, mon, where can I get these fine new items? That's the gag, chances are you bought them already, but if not contact Knuckles at 1-800-PIMPEX or go to www.clownpenis.fart."
"That's some crazy shit," Sonic said to himself, "I'm going to have to get me some of that." Sally came downstairs and looked at Sonic in a disgusted manner. "Hey Sally."
"What Sonic?" Sally asked.
"I was crying earlier, mostly because I sat on my balls," Sonic said trying to control his laughter.
"Damn it Sonic, I thought you actually cared for something besides yourself," Sally went into the kitchen and ignored Sonic for awhile.
Dr. Robotnik was lounging in his house waiting for the Ass Gasket 3000 to successfully load the coordinates of Knothole Village. In about twenty minutes the Ass Gasket had pin-pointed Knothole Village and Robotnik could finally take over the world once he exterminated the threat of the last remaining Freedom Fighters.
"Damn I'm good, nobody does it better. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Well, now that I know where they are I can have a little time to myself." Robotnik got in his car and drove to a new restaurant called Japanus, it was a buffet. When he got there, he went inside and waited to be seated. A man came and found a open table for Robotnik.
"Why is your restaurant called the Jap Anus?" Robotnik asked.
"It is cralled the Japan Us, you dumb ass," the Japanese man said.
"Oh, sorry."
The man then told him to wait for the waiter to get his drink order. The waiter came around to Robotnik's table eventually and asked him what he wanted to drink.
"I'll have a Diet Coke," Robotnik said.
"Ha, who that for?" The waiter laughed and went to get the drink.
Meanwhile back in Knothole, Tails believed he had a stunning revelation.
"E = M C Hammer," Tails said with a stupid grin on his face.
"What the fuck?" Sonic said in disbelief. "Albert Einstein would roll over in his motherfuckin' grave if he heard that stupid shit. He'd turn up ass in your face, he wouldn't give a fuck."
"Sonic!" Sally yelled as she came back into the room. "Don't use that language around Tails. He also doesn't need to be chastised."
"He start sayin' dumb shit like that, motherfuckers gonna think he be stupid."
"I ain't stupid," Tails pouted. "I'm just a worthless pile of crap to everyone ain't I?"
"Yeah..." Sonic started to say.
"Of course not Tails, we both think you are very useful," Sally said with a smile. Tails looked around dishearteningly and then slowly started walking to his room. "Sonic you shouldn't have said that about Tails," Sally looked at Sonic shamefully.
"Oh, someone's got to tell him, he's a worthless bastard."
"Damn it Sonic, you need to start being nicer to Tails. Anyway, I rented this movie, 'Two Weeks Notice'. Do you want to watch it with me?"
"Hell no, come on Sally I don't watch that crap. All romantic comedies blow ass. Anyway, the bitches in those movies fall down more than Christopher Reeves on a pogo stick." Tails came out of his room and went over to Sally.
"Hey Sally, I've been learning how to play the banjo the last few months. I can play it now."
"Oh yeah, and I can play the Mexican Hat Dance with my ass," Sonic said.
"Sonic shut up!" Sally screamed.
"Sonic I was wondering," Tails said, "Could we ride into town, or should I just go fuck myself."
"Uh, go fuck your...," Sonic was interrupted by an enraged Sally
"Tails don't you use that kind of language, and damn it Sonic stop swearing so much in front of Tails! Both of you go to your rooms!"
"But Sal...," Sonic again was interrupted.
"No, both of you go to your rooms, NOW!" When all both of them were gone Sally went into the kitchen and started cleaning it with Mr. Clean. "Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute, Mr. Clean will clean your whole house and everything that's in it. Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean," Sally sang as she danced around the kitchen. She then heard Sonic and Tails laughing in the background, and was very embarrassed.
Wait Until Later
Robotnik got home from his Japanus buffet excursion, and figured he could relax and watch a little TV before he stormed Knothole and killed that hedgehog. Robotnik sat down and turned the TV on to The Crap Network. Just when he turned it on the commercial he hated most was on, the Verizon Wireless commercial.
"Can you hear me now?" The TV asked. Robotnik ran over to his television and started kicking the shit out of it.
"Do I give a fuck you dirty asshole, I HATE YOU!" Robotnik screamed at the broken television. "I best just go and exterminate Knothole, before I get really pissed off."
Back at Knothole Sonic was telling Tails a bedtime story.
"Then what happened next to the little boy Tails was gruesome. He went down to the basement and a ghoul sawed his head off with a serrated knife...," Sonic was saying but was interrupted by a screaming and crying Tails.
"Oh no, Sonic you're scaring me," Tails started crying. Sally walked into the room.
"Sonic! Tell Tails a good story so he won't have nightmares and piss his bed again."
"Okay, this is a good one Tails, it's kind of a history lesson. This happened a long time ago, it is a story I like to call The Boston Teabaging Party..." Robotnik jumped into Knothole at this precise moment and pointed a gun at Sally.
"You best come out if you want Sally to live, Sonic. If you sacrifice yourself I will let Sally go," Robotnik said with a grin, because he knew he won this time. Sonic walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a drink.
"Ah, Red Balls gives you wang," he said as he drank it down.
"What the fuck? That is some disgusting shit, I'm getting out of here." With that said Robotnik made a swift exit from Knothole Village. Sonic laughed and laughed, but little did he know that Robotnik took Sally with him.
"Uh, Sonic?"
"What now Tails?"
"I think Robotnik took Sally with him," Tails said with a frown.
"Sum bitch! I guess I should go after him, fuck it all I'll do it tomorrow," Sonic said and turned to go to bed. While Sonic was asleep Tails called up Knuckles to see if he would help Sonic.
"Hello," Knuckles answered the phone.
"Hi, this is Tails, I was wondering if you could help Sonic rescue Sally tomorrow."
"Uh, yeah mon, I can do dat. Only be promisin' me one thing, mon."
"What do you want?"
"I don't be wantin' Sally to be bitchin' at me the whole time, mon."
"Sure, I can arrange that."
"Thanks mon, I be on the first flight there."
At Robotnik's house...
"Robotnik, I have something to tell you," Sally said.
"Ooh, what's that?"
"You're an emotional cripple. Your soul is dog shit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly. I find you the most despicable man alive, and I hate you."
"Well that was a lot of information, too bad I don't give a rats ass. Now that you are here, you might as well cook me some dinner. Anyway, I expect your friend to come for you soon, so I figure I might as well eat first." Sally went into the kitchen and started fixing Robotnik's dinner, while he relaxed and watched a hockey game.
Turbulent Times
Sonic woke up and walked downstairs, where he saw Tails and Knuckles waiting for him.
"Hey Sonic," Tails said with a smile, "You're a fag." At that remark Sonic kicked Tails hard in the balls.
"How do you like how that shit works?" Sonic said.
"Ha, you are an ass clown, mon," Knuckles said as he laughed at Tails. In a few minutes, when the laughter subsided and Tails could speak, they started to work out a plan to rescue Sally. They all figured they should break into Robotnik's house and take Sally back, a very ingenious plan. As soon as the details were fine tuned, Sonic, Knuckles, and Tails left for Robotnik's house to give him a huge surprise.
Robotnik was lounging around, watching Sally clean his house, wondering why Sonic didn't show up last night. He figured for sure the hedgehog would have followed him here. Now his trap wouldn't work right, maybe Sonic was smarter than he made him out to be. No matter, he would just have to think of a better plan. Better yet, Sonic would leave Sally here and she would be his slave forever, ha how wonderful.
"Sally, you missed a spot," Robotnik said grinning.
"Damn it, where?" Sally asked. Robotnik pointed to it and the cleaning continued. There was suddenly a knocking at the door.
"Sally could you get that?"
"No, I'm cleaning the house."
"Oh, alright." Robotnik got up and answered the door. It was the UPS man.
"Hey mon," Knuckles, the UPS man, said.
"Yeah, what is it?"
"I brought by some of those Knuckles Pimping products that you asked for, mon."
"Oh, they're here, how wonderful. Were do I sign?"
"Right here mon, but due to the large quantities you purchased we have to carry it in for you mon."
"That's alright you go right ahead." Sonic and Tails came to the door holding the package, also incognito as UPS men. While Robotnik was talking to Knuckles, Sonic and Tails brought the box in and put Sally in it and walked back outside.
"Must have been the wrong box, mon. Sorry about that." Knuckles got in the UPS van and turned it on. Sonic jumped out of the van, got out of his costume, and went over to Robotnik.
"Why you bastard, I'll pay for this... you'll pay for this. I can't believe my Ass Gasket 3000 didn't go to plan," Robotnik said.
"You're an average Leonardo da Vinci," Sonic said.
"What did you call me ass breath?"
"I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead. I've always wanted to say that." With that Sonic hopped in the van and they took off back to Knothole.
Back at Knothole
"Thanks Knuckles for coming here and helping us out like that, it was really swell to see you again," Sonic said.
"Oh, no problem mon. It be my pleasure to do dis for you mon. Anytime you need me help don't be afraid to ask me. Anyway, I thought you might like some of my new product, mon. So, I brought some for you to try out, and if you like it you know where to buy it mon," Knuckles said with a smile.
"Thanks Knuckles, I will definitely use it," Sonic winked at Sally.
"Well mon, I gots to be catchin' me plane," Knuckles said and walked out the door.
"That was really nice of Knuckles to give you that Sonic," Sally said.
"Yeah, maybe we could put it to good use later," Sonic said and winked again.
"Hey Sonic," Tails said interrupting, "I just figured out what something meant. Asshole is a more descriptive word for anus." Sally walked past the couch, because Tails was laying on the couch and Sonic was sitting on it there was no room for her.
"Sally, you can sit on my lap if you want," Sonic offered. Sally looked at him.
"We shouldn't do that around Tails, Sonic. But, you could try out your new product...," Sally pointed upstairs, then started walking up to her room.
"Sorry Tails I gotta go," Sonic said and got up and started up the stairs.
"Wait Sonic what are you going to do?" Tails asked.
"Tails, it doesn't concern you." Sonic turned and ran up the stairs and into Sally's bedroom and closed the door.