Chapter 1: Sleepless
Falling. Falling backward into a void.
Endless. He stared up at his trailing arms, reaching for something that didn't exist. In the dim lighting of this nothingness only the faint reflections in his fingernails could be seen but these too dulled as he fell further.
Darkness. His attempts at redeeming himself were amounting to nothing as he felt himself become engulfed in infinite black.
It was 2 am when Mutsuki jolted up, waking from a nightmare. His duvet lay across the floor and he was cold with sweat. It was completely silent, save for the boy's panting, and everything seemed normal. The green haired boy got up and crossed the hallway to the bathroom he shared with Saiko and washed his face. He stared into his reflection, having to remind himself it was just a dream while trying to pass the panic. It was unusual for the boy to remember his dreams so vividly, but he had a feeling this one may stay with him for a while.
The thought of going back to bed felt rather unappealing. He stood still, unable to figure what to do for all of ten minutes before hearing a burst of frustration from the adjacent room. Saiko was such a small creature that you might be tricked into believing she spent most of her time sleeping like a hamster, but the girl was too big on video games to find the time for things like sleep. It was obvious to Tooru that the girl was still awake and not wanting to risk another dream he thought he'd try knocking on her door.
A muffled 'mmh' was all Mutsuki needed to confirm he could enter the girl's room. He walked in and immediately had to avoid treading on crisp packets overflowing from the small bin in the corner. Saiko didn't even look up at him, she was avidly pressing buttons on her DS and Tooru could faintly hear game music from her headphones. She paused, finally meeting his eye and gestures for him to come and sit next to her. The screen of the device was bright in contrast to the dark room and displayed a battle scene, presumable one of her Zelda games.
"Sup Muu-chan?" As the boy couldn't think of a way to word his reply he stared at the cushions covering the ground while growing concern spread across the gamer's face.
"I… I had a bad dream…." It felt stupid to say, as though he was a scared little kid again.
"What happened?"
"I…. don't want to talk about it…" They boy pulled his legs in, curling up as small as he could; he felt insignificant and pathetic – if he was just better at talking about these things he felt his life would be a lot easier.
The small girl put the console to one side and flung her arms around the boy. "Want to play Mario Kart?" She motioned to the monitor in the corner and Mutsuki let out a little smile as tears began rolling down his cheeks.
xXx
Tooru walked briskly, late for a lecture at the academy. Panic ran through him as he took fast paces. No matter how fast he walked, he never seemed to travel any distance.
Running. He was really rushing now, pushing forward, trying to meet his destination.
Heavy textbooks in his arms weighed him down, threatening to pull him beneath the tarmac streets. The ground under his feet seemed to ooze like treacle, he wasn't getting anywhere nor would he if he dragged his feet in his normal fashion.
The school building in front of him stayed distant. Classmates passed him with ease and each one wore a snigger as they acknowledged the struggling boy. A purple haired student walked past and didn't even notice him…. Urie
"Urie!" No response.
He was starting to give up, slowing down and watching his feet begin to sink, accepting his fate. Maybe it would be okay if he dissolved into nothingness, no one would miss him…. But out of the corner of his eye he saw a tabby staring at him; it seemed to smile widely as he found him up to his neck in the molten black.
An alarm went off in the bedroom. Tooru awoke with a start and immediately panicked, not completely recognising his surroundings. He relaxed, remembering the events of last night, relieved to see Saiko sat on the floor scrolling through Tumblr. She'd let him sleep in her bed, he really owed her now.
Without turning around the girl recognised Tooru was awake. "You were muttering in your sleep… something about a cat."
"It was the same dream again… but a different part I think…. The cat… um… what did I say about it?"
"'I didn't kill that cat, okay?'" Saiko spat out the words in monotone, before turning: "Wait, Tooru, weren't there rumours about you killing cats when we were back at the academy? You wouldn't hurt something so fluffy would you? I mean, you can't even use your kagune properly yet, you're not particularly aggressive…."
He words stung, he knew he wasn't great with combat right now, but she didn't have to point it out. That cat though, he clearly recalled it walking on the academy campus. He didn't want to think about it. The green haired boy reached over, straining to look at the clock. It was 8 am so he knew Sasaki would already be awake and probably ready to go by now.
Making clear his gratitude to the smaller girl for putting up with him, Tooru scampered off to his room, grabbing clothes and rushing to take a shower before Saiko – she always liked to spend a lot of time in there. After washing, he dressed and ventured out into the apartment's kitchen in an effort to find a decent breakfast. Sasaki sat with Urie at the rectangular table.
Urie. Tooru wasn't quite sure how comfortable he felt around the self-assured man, even less so after that fragment of dream. It was obvious that, as much as he wanted to, subconsciously Tooru didn't trust the taller man. He knew Urie put himself first and even with her lack of effort, Saiko was still better at teamwork than the promotion obsessed boy.
It looked as though Sasaki was trying to make light conversation as he often did, but Urie was having none of it, choosing instead to blast music through his headphones. Tooru grabbed some cereal and seated himself beside their leader. Sasaki immediately noticed the sorrowful look on the smaller boy's face but thought better of asking Tooru about what was wrong assuming he was still upset about yesterday's unsuccessful training session.
A familiar voice echoed round the apartment: "Hey! Were'd ya put my shampoo?!" Shirazu appeared round the corner clutching a towel round his wet shoulders and glaring down at Urie. The boy was still trying to block out all of the others and didn't seem to notice the dripping boy until Sasaki poked him in the arm a few times.
It was a glaring match and Tooru suddenly felt rather uncomfortable.
"Excuse me?"
"I said where's my shampoo." The sharp toothed boy was usually calm in nature, but it was obvious he was not a morning person.
"How am I supposed to know? It's not like I use it, it's your belonging. You should keep track of it."
"Well I'm gonna have to use yours if I can't find mine." Thus an uncomfortable ending was brought to an uncomfortable conversation. Tooru relaxed as the other two broke eye contact and Shirazu slunk back off to the shower. Urie got up, picking up his shoulder bag and leaving the apartment without a goodbye.
xXx
The whole squad had assembled in a medium sized room in the CCG headquarters. Saiko sat in the corner seemingly suffering withdrawal symptoms at the lack of internet access she had. It was another training exercise that Sasaki had designed to try to help the Quinx get in touch with their kagune. Tooru realised that this whole thing was really just aimed at him as the others were all quite adept at this point.
The mentor sat in the middle of the room atop a crashmat. "So you've misplaced your quinque and a ghoul attacks, Shirazu, what do you do?"
"Err, kagune?" he was confused about the obviousness of the question.
"Right, and how do you activate you kagune?"
The four underlings looked away from Sasaki – this question wasn't as easy to answer, especially for Tooru.
After a long pause, the older man sighed, "okay, well, for ghouls, it's easy to active the kagune with a little stimulation – when hunting for prey or defending themselves ghouls predatory instincts force the use of their predatory organ….." Sasaki's eyes narrowed as he saw Urie checking his phone, the boy was not engaging in his teachings at all, seeming to think he already knew it all. "Well in your situation, you're well protected by your superiors and by your weapons, however, say you didn't have these circumstances…" the man trailed off, jumping to his feet and proceeding to punch Urie in the stomach. It wasn't a particularly damaging attack but it certainly got the purple haired boy's attention. The whites of the boy's eyes turned grey as his kagugan showed. Sasaki threw another punch but Urie blocked it with ease. Frustration was building within him as his superior continued to throw attacks until from his shoulders burst his kagune. He knocked Sasaki to the ground with ease with the liquid muscle and stood looking down on him, breathing heavily.
"Ta dah!" The man was practically beaming despite being spread across the floor. "Urie, how do you activate your kagune?"
The boy was sick of the man's cheerful nature and chose to simply leave the area.
"Well that was eventful! Who's next?"
The remaining three looked at each other, worried for the older man. Tooru crept in "I'm sorry about Urie…. "
The man let out a short laugh, "Tooru, it's not your fault; you're not responsible for him. Maybe that wasn't the best idea the though." He scratched the back of his head staring at the floor in embarrassment.
"Sas-san, do you think you could give me a hand trying to get my kagune out….?" It was unusual for Tooru to ask for help, but Sasaki would always be happy to help him. With Urie, the mentor knew it was okay to throw attacks as the boy was quick to counter, but he really wasn't sure how far he could go with Mutsuki.
"You're a bikaku, right?" the shining tail, it was a powerful possession, but then all kakuhos were. Tooru nodded in response. "Right then, I guess we should begin."
Sasaki pushed his palm into Mutsuki's shoulder, his foot darting behind the smaller boys' knee as he did so. Ultimately, the student fell down on the crash mat. He looked up, rather shocked and continued to lie on the cushioned surface. The mentor couldn't see Tooru's kakugan, but then it was covered under the boy's eyepatch, and even if it was showing, it wasn't much of an indicator to his RC levels as the boy had no control over this new asset. Not wanting to push the boy any further, the man let out a sigh before suggesting that they took a break for lunch.
xXx
Tooru often found himself wondering where Urie went to when he stormed off – it was a common occurrence so he must have found himself somewhere to go by now. Maybe he just wanted to be alone and trying to find him would just be an invasion of his privacy. The boy wished there was something he could do to make his co-worker happy, but swiftly came to the conclusion that the best thing to do would probably be to leave him alone.
He was spacing out and barely noticed the dark haired figure bouncing towards him.
"Muu-chan! What are you staring at?" Juuzou stood right in front of him, leaning over with his head tilted, curious at the boy's line of sight.
"Oh… Hey! Sorry, nothing!"
"You going to eat this?" He pointed down expectantly at Tooru's untouched slice of cake from the canteen. His eyes grew wider noticing the strawberries dotted around the plate.
"Um… no, I guess not. You can have it!" He smiled pushing the plate towards his superior. Juuzou happily accepted the offer, wolfing down the cake in large mouthfuls.
Hanbee was short to follow and the three of them sat in the brightly lit canteen swapping stories from recent investigations and infiltrations until a thought arose in Tooru's mind:
"Juuzou-san, I….. I'm struggling with my kagune…. I don't want to let Sasaki down….." He was struggling to find the words he wanted. "Do you… have any idea how they work?"
"Nope!" The dark haired boy chuckled, "all I know is they're a pain because you can't cut them with normal knifes…. And that ghouls seem to use them more once you've tried to cut their limbs off!" Suzuya really worried Tooru sometimes.
"It seems ghouls in tricky situations can trigger their kagune at will." Neither Juuzou's nor Hanbee's answers helped Mutsuki much, but he was glad for the fact that they were trying. He saw Shirazu and Saiko walk into the room, it seemed as though they were looking for him. Tooru supposed that Sasaki had called the squad back to train. The boy excused himself and got up to see his equals.
The pair were muttering to each other, neither looking particularly happy. Questions multiplied in Tooru's head as he approached. "Shirazu….?"
"Kuki. That good-for-nothing little shit's gonna pay."
Yet more questions arose. "What did he do?" This version of the orange haired boy definitely intimidated the shorter Mutsuki.
Saiko saw the growing range in her companion and decided to butt in: "He's requested to leave the squad –"
"He thinks he's too good for us. Pathetic –"
The girl continued to make her voice heard over the boy, not wanting unnecessary attention drawn to them as they stood just inside the large canteen. "Sas-san told us about 5 minutes ago – he seemed upset."
"Oh…" All Tooru could think was why hadn't Urie just spoken to someone about his situation rather than taking drastic action? He'd known Urie for a couple of years, having shared classes with him at the academy, but maybe the boy just didn't feel as comfortable around Tooru as the green haired boy had hoped.
"He's not gonna get moved. The higher up are refusing to let him. He's pretty much stuck with us so now he's gonna be in a shitty mood all week. He was bad enough anyway!"
It relieved the smaller boy to hear that Urie was staying; it would be strange in the squad with just three of them – but then if someone had to leave the squad he would much rather they were transferred than lost in an extermination mission.
"Shirazu, calm down - he's not going anywhere so it doesn't matter." It was unusual for Saiko to care about anything other than the internet.
"It does matter! How are we supposed to work together if he doesn't even want to be in the same room as us?"
"Well he's not going to want to be in the same room as you if you keep talking about him the way you do." The girl walked off, leaving the taller boy breathing heavily while other investigators around the room tried their best not to make it obvious that they were listening in. The energy in the room was tense and Tooru looked up into the boy's face, watching the rage start to dissipate.
"I could try talking to him if you want? …..Shirazu?"
The mop of orange bounced in a nod and the two boys walked out of the canteen. It was one of those rare occasions where Shirazu was completely silent. Tooru walked by his side as they headed towards Sasaki's office. The corridors were long and each looked the same, the format of the building was largely uncreative save for the unconventional designs of some of the laboratories on the basement level.
They had nearly reached the uniform door when Tooru remembered to ask "What are we going to do for the rest of the day if Urie is still sulking about this?"
"That's what I was gonna ask Sas-san." He knocked on the wooden door and the pair heard a muffled confirming they could enter.
Sasaki was hunched over his computer monitor, a disheartened look on his face. "Am I good mentor? Be honest." The air in the office was rather stagnant; the ventilation obviously wasn't great here.
Tooru was the first to speak up. "I think you're a good mentor! You haven't given up on me yet…"
"But I haven't gotten anywhere with you yet either."
The conversation clearly wasn't going anywhere. Shirazu decided to step in and give it a little direction. "What are we gonna do this afternoon?"
"I don't mind, how about you guys take the rest of the day off, I've got paperwork to do anyway. Feel free to use the training facility if no one else is."
"Okay…. Do you need any help at all?" Tooru had never seen such a sad expression on the man's face before, it was really concerning him.
"No I'm good!" The smile the man gave them as they neared the door was obviously fake.
xXx
Shirazu and Saiko left the building together as Tooru told them he was going to talk to Urie. It was odd that the pair were starting to spend more time together, but Mutsuki was glad, it was good that the group were actually starting to form friendships.
The problem with Tooru's current situation was that he had no idea where the sulking boy had hidden himself. He asked around, gaining little information from the other investigators. Eventually he got the gist that Urie had left the building. He could be anywhere. With growing investment in public transport it was easy to travel anywhere in Tokyo, and with Urie last seen in the building an hour ago, he could literally be anywhere in the city.
The most obvious place to look was back at the apartment, and so that's where Tooru went. He made his way up the stairs to the familiar floor, seeing no sign of the boy on his ascent. The door to the apartment was firmly locked and it didn't take the green haired boy to check the place. It was obvious Urie wasn't there and the boy found no clues here to where he might have gone.
Mutsuki turned back to the streets – it was going to be a long afternoon of searching. Tooru went to the closest station, buying an all-day train ticket, he knew a few places dotted around that he'd seen Urie in before.
He travelled to the 3rd ward and checked a café they had been to once before – nothing. He went to the 7th ward to a restaurant – nothing. Finally he visited a park that the newly graduated academy students had spent an afternoon, eating ice cream and enjoying the sun – he wasn't here either. The sun was starting to sink in the sky so Tooru headed back to the apartment, unsuccessful.
By the time the smaller boy got back, everyone had situated themselves back in the comfort of the complex, save for Urie. Tooru obviously didn't know the boy as well as he thought, having no success. The sun finally slipped away and the others all left for bed; Sasaki expressed his concern for the boy staying up so late, stating he may regret it the next morning. Sasaki stayed in the living room with the smaller boy for a while but didn't get many words out of him. Mutsuki pulled at the fabric of his trousers on his lap and stared at the door.
"Tooru, I have an early start tomorrow, and you really ought to try to get some sleep. I'm going to bed now and I think you should too. Urie will get back when he gets back; don't worry, he can protect himself – he's going to be fine!" Tooru's gaze turned to the floor as he shook his head. The taller man surprised the boy in a hug, wrapping his arms around the skinny figure. He knew that he wasn't going to change the boy's mind that easily. "At least eat something Tooru…."
"Okay!" The boy showed a fake smile, he was obviously starting to take after his mentor. Still feeling slightly unsatisfied, Sasaki managed to pull himself away and disappeared into his room.
The smaller boy felt guilty, none of this was his fault and he would never tell the others because that's all they would respond with, but knowing that the taller boy was still out there alone filled Mutsuki with unending streams of guilt as he sat on the sofa, nervously waiting for his co-worker to return.