This is an idea me and my friend fatboy-93 (who, amazingly enough, is a girl) came up with whilst bored shitless during science one day… So half the credit for this story goes to her and her screwed up head. Pre Breaking Dawn.
Disclaimer: I own nothing… Except for half the plot for this amazingly genius story… And a shiny green button…
"Stupid vampire with his stupid shiny cars and his stupid huge house… Gonna kill him, gonna gouge his eyes out with a fork, stab a steak knife through his tongue, shave off all his precious non-growable again hair, poke him repeatedly with a really pointy stick, then shove the stick as far as I can up his ass… And other various holes…" Muttering death threats and violent murderous thoughts under his breath was not a recent development for Jacob Black. In fact, it was a habit first developed during childhood, but Jacob had the sense to keep his mouth shut while others were around to witness his obvious insanity.
"Gonna destroy his Volvo, yeah, and smash all his stupid windows with parts of the severed engine, yeah." Jacob continued muttering absent-mindedly, determined to reach the Cullen's household as fast as he could. The liability of being in his human form was defiantly a setback, but in wolf form, the rest of his pack could listen in on his rampaging thoughts and prevent him from achieving his impossible goal. And we wouldn't want that, now, would we?
"Then I'm gonna go home and have a brownie… Yeah, a brownie of death and destruction. A congratulatory evil super brownie of doom. With a diabolical glass of milk on the side…"
Through his superior vision, the Cullen residence came into clear view. Jacob jumped triumphantly through the last few meters of the forest and bounded towards the house. Just a few more steps, and he would be there…
In the corner of his eye, a movement distracted him. It was a small movement, yes, but enough to take Jacob's concentration for a split second causing him to glance away. It was in that split second that his whole life changed forever.
Jacob stopped dead in his tracks, unable to speak or move. Standing near the bushes, alert and ready to sprint away at any second was the most beautiful, amazing creature Jacob has ever laid eyes on. The soft body, the long, slender legs, the mass of wild, tangled ginger hair, the cute, pink nose. It was incredible, it was glorious, it was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
But what really stood out amongst everything, was the bright, brilliant green eyes, wide and cautious with a sentimental mischievous glint. In those eyes, nothing else mattered. The worlds of good and evil collided into one, in a harmonious balance that cleared the hazy view of the distant horizon and everything anyone had ever questioned suddenly made sense.
Before he knew it, Jacob's legs were carrying him forwards, pushing him closer to the mystery girl. The world seemed to be in slow motion. All we needed now was a field full of flowers and some nice, soft music in the background.
As she gracefully leaped up, Jacob caught her in his strong arms, pulling her into a tight embrace. She gratefully complied and started to rub the top of her head against Jacob's cheek, her smooth ears stroking his face. The world seemed to be spinning, revolving around the two new found lovers.
"Hello, my Fluffy," he said quietly. Then, passionately, Jacob pulled her into a deep kiss, and the rest of the world went black…
Meanwhile…
Edward sighed impatiently. Leaning against him, Bella looked up in concern. "Edward, what is it?"
"Oh, nothing, Love. Just that mutt friend of yours. Apparently he wants to torture me, kill me, dismantle my car, and then have a brownie."
"Oh." Bella tried to pull her face to a neutral grimace, but failed- as usual- and ended up with an annoyed expression mixed with a hint of anger.
"So why is he going to kill you this time?" Bella asked. Edward's brow furrowed in confusion.
"I'm not sure…" he muttered. "It seems as though he's lost everything he once planned… And is now giving off very strange mental images…" Bella wasn't satisfied with his vague answer.
"Mental images? Of what?!" she demanded.
"Well, Love… It seems to me as though Jacob is… making out… With something that's not quite human…"
"Huh?"
Less than a second later Emmet's booming laughter sounded all throughout the house. He stumbled into the room that Edward and Bella were in; bent over in hysterical fits of laughter. "Oh god, guys, you gotta come see this!" Edward and Bella exchanged a confused glance, and followed Emmet hesitantly out into the 'dining' room.
The dining room had a beautiful view out a long, shiny window, of the beginnings of an endless stretch of forest. Long green grass grew freely in the land between the house and forest, and tree's and bushes sprouted everywhere, adding to the whole calm, peaceful, serene nature look. Currently, in the middle of this whole scene, was Jacob Black, holding in his arms a small, furry ginger cat.
"Shit, someone burn my eyes! Please!" Bella exclaimed, horrified at what Jacob was doing to the poor cat. "Holy fuck!!" Alice and Jasper had entered the room cautiously, standing next to Bella.
"Holy fuck seems to be the right expression for this…" Alice said grimly. "At least, in a few minutes it will be…"
"Oh, gross!!"
"Dude, this has to be documented for future generations," Emmet said, before running out of the room, then returning with a brand new video camera before his absence could even be noted.
"What's going on in here?" Rosalie asked as she entered, interested in what all the commotion was about. Trailing behind her was Esme and Carlisle.
"Jacob's about to get it on with a cat!" Emmet exclaimed, a little too excited.
"What?! That's so wrong!" Rosalie said.
"Oh dear…" Esme shielded her eyes into Carlisle's shoulder. Carlisle just continued looking out the window with a perfectly neutral expression.
Everyone cringed away, disgusted yet hypnotized, at what happened next. I'm sure you readers can use your imagination for that part. My description might be a little R rated. Just imagine Jacob doing it with a cat. That's a hilarious mental image. Everyone who witnessed the disturbing act was, of course, scarred for the rest of their exceedingly long lives, and deeply traumatized beyond the help of any therapist.
One Year Later…
Jacob watched his children playing in the backyard. Beside him was the mother of the youngsters, and Jacob's one true love, Fluffy. It had been exactly one year ago since he had first imprinted on her. Now, 12 months later, Jacob was the proud teenage parent of 5 beautiful, young kids.
"Milo, stop trying to shove Socks into the pond!" Jacob called out. A browny-ginger kitten looked down sheepishly while another brown kitten with white paws gratefully escaped the treacherous edges of the pond. Jacob chuckled to himself. Ah, kids.
Up above, the sky turned a vibrant shade of pink as the sun began to set. It would be a full moon tonight. Fluffy sighed slightly. Full moons were always difficult for the children. Once a month, or every full moon, the kittens would undergo a transformation into human offspring. It certainly was a weird process, but no where near as bad as when they phased into a wolf, straight from kitten form.
It was a hard life fathering a litter of 5 kittens who would turn into humans on a full moon and could turn into a wolf on their own free will, on top of keeping up with school work, a social life and keeping the sparks in a relationship alive. Not to mention the random vampire attacks. Jacob laughed. And he thought his life was hard when he was still just a regular human… But still, even though it was a tough life, Jacob would never have it any other way… And neither would Fluffy…
The end! Yes, we are very screwed up people. This is just one of the results of boredom out of thousands… Anywayz, review please. Hope you liked the little insane freakish story that has been produced.
Jacob: "No! You can't send me to the mental hospital! I'm not insane, I tells ya! Get off me now, or I'll phase into a werewolf and tear you apart like you're a newborn vampire!"