A/N: From the E.E. "Doc" Smith Lensman series, taking place during "Gray Lensman".
Idle Hands
Kim "Kimball" Kinnison, Gray Lensman, sat and thought.
This was nothing new; he was often given to thinking. Although known as being a man of action, he was also one of the greatest thinkers the human race had ever produced when he put his mind to it, no pun intended. If circumstances required, he could analyze and synthesize as well or better than almost anyone on the planet when it came to formulating a plan of action. His thinking was deep, thorough and insightful to the point where it seemed nothing was left out; at least not to those of a lesser mentality. A certain Mentor of Arista would likely disagree, but his opinion wasn't solicited here.
There was a difference this time, though. Whereas most times he would be thinking of what he needed to do and how to do it, this time Kim was thinking about what had happened. While spending most of his time grappling with the huge titanic struggle of good versus evil on an interstellar and even intergalactic scale, there was a matter much closer to home that bothered him now and he brooded mightily over it. Scarcely aware of the passage of time, he hardly noticed when the sun had set and risen again as he turned things over in his mind. His thoughts normally ordered and clear, became muddled and kept looping back to the same premise that troubled him greatly.
The gentle reader may understand this to some degree by reason of example. It is often all too easy to become sidetracked by the events and requirements of everyday life so that there is little opportunity to become trapped in an endless thought loop; indeed, thankfully few have experienced this save during brief periods of illness or under the influence of medication where the mind's thoughts keep returning to the same subject whatever it may be. In most the time is short before health and the resulting aforementioned distractions reassert themselves again and allow diversion from those dark halls of obsession.
Kim had no such fortune. After infiltrating the Eich's base on Jarnevon and getting caught, he had barely managed to be rescued by fellow Lensman Worsel and was brought back to civilization to be treated for the hideous torture he had undergone. The treatment would ultimately be successful in returning his body to its previous peak condition, but it required time and Kim was forced into spending a great deal of time doing nothing physically as his body regenerated; the time allowed his thoughts to traverse the dark path they now walked repeatedly.
He may have not noticed the passing of time but he instantly roused himself from his thoughts when a certain red-haired nurse entered the room. This was the second time that Clarissa MacDougall had nursed Kim through terrible injury. The first time had been fraught with truly bad behavior on Kim's part as he struggled to adapt to his unaccustomed but relatively brief term as an invalid, where he lashed out at those closest to him including the medical staff. This time had been much different; Kim had to confess that Clarissa was by far the best part of the day and he voiced his appreciation. How he felt about her (and she him) had been dealt with shortly after he had regained consciousness following his surgery; feelings that were shelved because more important matters called.
But a good nurse learns to read her patients, and Clarissa had found herself paying more and more attention to this patient, to her the only patient in the universe. It wasn't just his condition; although it may not be professional she had to admit that her time with him was what she looked forward to the most. But today she found him in a mood that set off warning bells in her mind, alerting her that there was something particularly wrong. It was a race which part of her asked about it first, the nurse or the woman drawn to the man; in the end it didn't matter as long as he answered. "Kim, what's wrong? Therapy not going well?"
Kim barely even smiled. "No, it's going fine I guess. It's never going to be fast enough, so I just have to tighten the belts and hold on until I can finally DO something." His voice trailed off toward the last part of the sentence.
"Kim," she said as she sat down in a chair in front of him and looked into his now regenerated eyes "you know that you can only recover so fast no matter how good or bad of a patient you choose to be. Now tell me - what's the real problem?"
"Is it that obvious, Mac?"
"To me, yes. To others, probably not. But then again" she said to cover quickly "we've been spending a lot of time together; spill it."
"I'm...I'm worried."
She rolled her eyes. "Is that all? Let me tell you, Kimball Kinnison is more than a match for the evil that is out there. You may have setbacks, but you can lick anything that comes your way with the backing of the Patrol."
"No, it's something more personal than that."
That was better. She didn't have a lot of background on everything that went on beyond the walls of whatever medical facility she was working on. "Okay, if you want to cover old ground then I'll tell you; civilization needs the Patrol, and the Lensmen. The fact that you're a Gray Lensman is just recognition of your abilities, however meager you may think they are, that set you apart from a group that is already an elite group of achievers. You don't have to feel you're unworthy, and it isn't your opinion that gave you the promotion anyway."
"That's not it; not exactly, anyway."
"Spit it out Kim, for the sake of us in the room that can't think straight."
"DON'T SAY THAT" he almost cried, then checked himself. "Sorry, I didn't mean that. You're the greatest, Mac, and I'm not just saying that because you'll sabotage my medication" he smiled weakly.
"That's my Kim. Then what is it exactly?" Inside she admonished herself with the thought of "he's not YOUR Kim, you dunce."
"I don't know if I can put it into words, but here goes and excuse me if I leave something out. I'm not really worried about the Gray business; I finally came to think of it as a position, like an admiral or general, so that I can live with it. It's something bigger. I've got a lot of stuff in my head, especially since I came back from Arista the second time. I can do so much, and people start looking at me like I can do anything. I can't Mac, but people look up to me like I can. I can go out in the world and a LOT of people know who I am; I can almost feel their awe even with my back turned. I can disguise myself, and everything's on the beam until I reveal myself and then it's back to..." he paused as the very thought almost sickened him "...idolatry. Awe. I dunno, maybe even fear. It makes my skin crawl, and I'm starting to think I'm some type of freak."
Clarissa nodded her head. "So I see, maybe you're volunteering for a lobotomy so you can be 'normal' again?"
"Of course not, I just need to know: Am I…still human?" he asked in all seriousness, his eyes open wide.
The seasoned nurse almost fell into those eyes. "Oh Kim, of course you are! Listen to me; whatever makes us human, you've got more of it than anyone I know. Let me ask this: How well do you think you'd do in a race against the winner of last year's World Sprint Championship?"
"Don't be ridiculous; I don't even belong on the same track as Nguto Sachu."
"That's right, you don't. But he's the best at what he does. Does that make him any less human?" she asked as she stared at him.
"Well, no. But it's not the same..." Kim started to explain.
"Cut it off right there, Kim. It is the same; the circumstances are just a little different. He's developed his natural ability to hone what he has, with the help of a lot of different trainers and nutritionists I might add. Mentor didn't give you anything during your training; he just helped you use what you have."
"He gave me the lens."
"Yes, the first time. But it's just a tool. And you're more talented now without getting any new hardware. Face it Kim, we're all born with mental abilities we'll probably never use in our lives. But you have a chance to use them. Is that such a bad thing?"
"No, but it...it isn't natural."
"The only thing natural is the condition we are when we come out of the womb. Everything else is just discovery and the training of what we have. If you condemn yourself for being the best at using that pudding between your ears, you're condemning everyone who is better than anyone else at anything. Is that what you intend to be doing?"
"If you put it that way? No. But I'm not comfortable with it when I think about it too much."
"That's humility; welcome back to the human race, Lensman" she smiled. "Besides, don't you have a lot more important things to think about besides that?"
Kim's face broke into a full smile, and Clarissa melted. "Thanks, Mac. I guess I was too close to the problem. Sure you don't want to be a Lensman?"
She gave an exaggerated shiver in response and to get her head back into the conversation. "No thanks, it gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it."
"You really are the greatest, Mac."
She could feel the beginnings of a blush to match her hair but put aside any thoughts of courtship and marriage; that was a taboo subject between them for now. She stood up to change the subject quickly. "Now the reason I came in..."
Elsewhere, Mentor ceased monitoring the conversation. Of course he knew within a reasonable certainty how things would turn out between the two, but he didn't know just how close Kim had come to possibly stumbling upon his place in the evolution of the Aristian-guided line.
The End
A/N: The main character of three of the Lensman series books, Kim went through a lot on his road to improvement. I'm sure not all of them were chronicled but there's no reason we can't imagine some of them. Thanks for reading this short if you're a fan of the book series. If you haven't read the series, they may be a little space opera-ish but are fairly representative of the times in which they were written. So when Robert Heinlein said that Smith had another book idea to finish off the series but it couldn't be published at the time, it got me thinking of why and I think I might know...particularly knowing how Heinlein worked. But that would take place long after this story is set.