The Killer Inside Me
By: Olivia
"But I do nothing upon myself, and yet am mine own executioner."-John Donne-"Devotion Upon
Emergent Occasions"
"With my head above the water,/I can breathe to stay alive,/But I'll try a little harder,/If you want
me to survive./Won't somebody tell me/How I got to this stage...It's just so real, how does it
feel/When the stars that you follow die?/With my head above the water,/I could drift along,
beyond the tide,/But I can try a little harder,/If you help me reach the other side."-Sister Hazel-
"Surreal"
I created a monster.
The tears rolled down my face. I didn't try to stop them.
It was a relief when Elliot stopped trying to contact me. When ringing my doorbell didn't work,
he tried calling me on my phone. That didn't work either.
I was angry with him. How could he not back my play? How could he not respect my wishes to
not have a protective guard watch my back? Was it because I was a woman? Because he
thought I couldn't protect myself?
First thing, tomorrow morning, I will ask the Captain for another partner. Maybe I could be
partnered with Fin or John. If the Captain won't let me have another partner, I'll just have to
transfer. Maybe that would be the best thing-to get away from Elliot and SVU.
I am drowning in my own misery. My mistakes overwhelm me. My whole life-my whole life-
all I wanted to do was help people, to make a difference in their lives. I wanted to protect them if
I could, and if I wasn't able to protect them, I wanted to help them and to get them justice
afterwards. I wanted to make certain that who ever violated them would never get the chance to
do it to another person again.
Look what I have done. I created a monster. I had thought I had put one of the bad guys away,
that I had gotten justice for a rape victim, that I had protected future victims from this perp.
Look what I have done. Through my investigation, through my testimony, I helped convict a
man, an innocent man. I made his life hell for six years. He was denied his freedom, he had
been raped in jail, and his marriage had crumbled into a divorce. I did this. I did this to a man
who did nothing in his life to deserve this miscarriage of justice, this cruel twist of fate
orchestrated by me.
So he tried to get back at me by killing three other innocent victims, victims I had tried to help.
He killed them in the most peaceful way he could thinking he had released them from their
internal pain. In his mind, he was helping them.
He was helping them out of their painful lives by killing them. For them, he saw no way they
could live after what had been done to them. There was no way they could get back to a normal
life for themselves. They were one person before they were hurt and another person after.
He projected his pain onto them. His pain must be their pain. And so he helped them, just as he
forced me into helping him.
All I could see when I walked into the room was him holding the gun on that woman. My hands
shook as I pointed my gun at him. I didn't want to kill him, but I was certain he would kill that
woman. And mere seconds before he pulled that trigger, I shot him. I shot him dead. I shot him
right out of his misery.
Somehow cops miraculously appeared around me and filled the apartment. They showed me his
empty clip. I couldn't believe it. The thought of that gun being empty never crossed my mind.
He had no intention of harming the woman. He wanted me to kill him. And I unknowingly
helped him commit suicide. I blew him out of this life. I blew him out of his misery. It was
poetic justice for him I guess. I put him into that state and he saw it as my job to put him out of
it.
The only other thing I remember is having my gun pried out of my hands by Elliot. Elliot...
I can hear a key unlocking my door. Damn.
The door opens to reveal Elliot. He is just standing there in my doorway, dripping wet from the
rain. His eyes are glancing around the my apartment, trying to adapt to the darkness, trying to
locate me. I should have thought more closely before giving him my apartment key for when I
was out of town and for emergencies.
Finally, he sees me and comes on in. He sits down in the chair opposite from me. Now he gets to
see me in all my glory. My tear stained face has shaken him. I can see that. After two years
together as partners, I should be able to tell.
"Olivia, I..."
I just shake my head trying to silence him. I want to be alone. Alone in my misery. I don't want
to be cheered up. It doesn't stop him.
"I'm sorry about the protective detail. I just wanted to make certain you were safe. I'm your
partner. That's my job."
"I know. I know," I finally am able to get out. The anger I feel toward him drains out of me. I
probably would have done the same thing in his shoes. I have no heart left to be angry. Deep
down I know he has my best intentions at heart. I am grateful for his concern. And yet I can
spare no time for these thoughts. The horror of my actions is still in the forefront of my
thoughts. It refuses to be pushed back.
"Look what I've done," I choke out. My tears continue to drop and I brush them away as quickly
as I can. "I created a monster."
"No, you didn't," says Elliot softly, his voice full of compassion. "He had a choice. He chose to
kill those people. He chose to put you in that position. You had to shoot him. You had no
choice if you were to save that woman's life. And that is the point. Whatever you've done, you
did for the right reasons. You came to the right judgements with the information that was
available to you."
I lean forward and Elliot wraps me in a hug. My tears blend in with the rain drops on Elliot's
trench coat.
"It's going to be okay, partner. It's going to be okay," Elliot repeats until my tears subside and I
stop shaking.
By: Olivia
"But I do nothing upon myself, and yet am mine own executioner."-John Donne-"Devotion Upon
Emergent Occasions"
"With my head above the water,/I can breathe to stay alive,/But I'll try a little harder,/If you want
me to survive./Won't somebody tell me/How I got to this stage...It's just so real, how does it
feel/When the stars that you follow die?/With my head above the water,/I could drift along,
beyond the tide,/But I can try a little harder,/If you help me reach the other side."-Sister Hazel-
"Surreal"
I created a monster.
The tears rolled down my face. I didn't try to stop them.
It was a relief when Elliot stopped trying to contact me. When ringing my doorbell didn't work,
he tried calling me on my phone. That didn't work either.
I was angry with him. How could he not back my play? How could he not respect my wishes to
not have a protective guard watch my back? Was it because I was a woman? Because he
thought I couldn't protect myself?
First thing, tomorrow morning, I will ask the Captain for another partner. Maybe I could be
partnered with Fin or John. If the Captain won't let me have another partner, I'll just have to
transfer. Maybe that would be the best thing-to get away from Elliot and SVU.
I am drowning in my own misery. My mistakes overwhelm me. My whole life-my whole life-
all I wanted to do was help people, to make a difference in their lives. I wanted to protect them if
I could, and if I wasn't able to protect them, I wanted to help them and to get them justice
afterwards. I wanted to make certain that who ever violated them would never get the chance to
do it to another person again.
Look what I have done. I created a monster. I had thought I had put one of the bad guys away,
that I had gotten justice for a rape victim, that I had protected future victims from this perp.
Look what I have done. Through my investigation, through my testimony, I helped convict a
man, an innocent man. I made his life hell for six years. He was denied his freedom, he had
been raped in jail, and his marriage had crumbled into a divorce. I did this. I did this to a man
who did nothing in his life to deserve this miscarriage of justice, this cruel twist of fate
orchestrated by me.
So he tried to get back at me by killing three other innocent victims, victims I had tried to help.
He killed them in the most peaceful way he could thinking he had released them from their
internal pain. In his mind, he was helping them.
He was helping them out of their painful lives by killing them. For them, he saw no way they
could live after what had been done to them. There was no way they could get back to a normal
life for themselves. They were one person before they were hurt and another person after.
He projected his pain onto them. His pain must be their pain. And so he helped them, just as he
forced me into helping him.
All I could see when I walked into the room was him holding the gun on that woman. My hands
shook as I pointed my gun at him. I didn't want to kill him, but I was certain he would kill that
woman. And mere seconds before he pulled that trigger, I shot him. I shot him dead. I shot him
right out of his misery.
Somehow cops miraculously appeared around me and filled the apartment. They showed me his
empty clip. I couldn't believe it. The thought of that gun being empty never crossed my mind.
He had no intention of harming the woman. He wanted me to kill him. And I unknowingly
helped him commit suicide. I blew him out of this life. I blew him out of his misery. It was
poetic justice for him I guess. I put him into that state and he saw it as my job to put him out of
it.
The only other thing I remember is having my gun pried out of my hands by Elliot. Elliot...
I can hear a key unlocking my door. Damn.
The door opens to reveal Elliot. He is just standing there in my doorway, dripping wet from the
rain. His eyes are glancing around the my apartment, trying to adapt to the darkness, trying to
locate me. I should have thought more closely before giving him my apartment key for when I
was out of town and for emergencies.
Finally, he sees me and comes on in. He sits down in the chair opposite from me. Now he gets to
see me in all my glory. My tear stained face has shaken him. I can see that. After two years
together as partners, I should be able to tell.
"Olivia, I..."
I just shake my head trying to silence him. I want to be alone. Alone in my misery. I don't want
to be cheered up. It doesn't stop him.
"I'm sorry about the protective detail. I just wanted to make certain you were safe. I'm your
partner. That's my job."
"I know. I know," I finally am able to get out. The anger I feel toward him drains out of me. I
probably would have done the same thing in his shoes. I have no heart left to be angry. Deep
down I know he has my best intentions at heart. I am grateful for his concern. And yet I can
spare no time for these thoughts. The horror of my actions is still in the forefront of my
thoughts. It refuses to be pushed back.
"Look what I've done," I choke out. My tears continue to drop and I brush them away as quickly
as I can. "I created a monster."
"No, you didn't," says Elliot softly, his voice full of compassion. "He had a choice. He chose to
kill those people. He chose to put you in that position. You had to shoot him. You had no
choice if you were to save that woman's life. And that is the point. Whatever you've done, you
did for the right reasons. You came to the right judgements with the information that was
available to you."
I lean forward and Elliot wraps me in a hug. My tears blend in with the rain drops on Elliot's
trench coat.
"It's going to be okay, partner. It's going to be okay," Elliot repeats until my tears subside and I
stop shaking.