Author's Note: Hello, it is I, Lady Lalucienne! It says a little about this in the story summary, but this is a one-shot of Naruto and it is sort of a spoof of "Wizard Swears". I thought it was an amusing idea, and I hope you enjoy it!
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN NARUTO! I FREAKING WISH! I WOULD SO TOTALLY MAKE SASUKE STOP BEING SUCH A LAME-ASS AND HAVE HIM BE WITH SAKURA AND HAVE THE AKATSUKI HAVE A WILD SEX PARTY ON THE TITANIC BUT WE DON'T ALL GET WHAT WE WANT, I GUESS. OTHERWISE, I'D HAVE A BAG OF SOUR SKITTLES AND ANOTHER PEPSI. DON'T QUITE REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST ONE…
-BURP-
ANYWAYS…ENJOY! XD
-Intro plays-
Sasuke: Hey, guys. Tsunade just posted a list of words that are banned from the Hidden Leaf Village! I didn't know ninjas had swears.
Sakura: Of course we do, Sasuke-kun, they're called Ninja Swears.
Naruto: Oh, yeah! Like Kunai-bum!
Sasuke: Really? That's adorable!
Sakura: Oh, they're worse than that. Read some, Sasuke-kun!
Sasuke: Hm, let's see here…"Son of a Kyubi". That's useful.
Sakura: Ino Pig! That's my favorite!
-Kakashi walks in-
Kakashi: -clears throat- Do my ears detect foul-mouthedness?
Sakura: Oh, no, Sensei!
Sasuke: Tsunade's Boobs!
Kakashi: Excuse me?!
Sakura: -elbows Sasuke in the ribs- Sasuke-kun!
Kakashi: I refuse to have this filth spewed in my presence, young Uchiha! You all go without food tonight!
Naruto: Fox Bogeys!
-they all turn and stare at him-
Sasuke: Everybody run!
-they all run away-
Kakashi: Oh, Sharingan!
-all laughing-
Naruto: Ooh, that was fun!
Sakura: -giggles-
Sasuke: Yeah. -turns and sees Lee- Oh, hi, Lee…
Lee: -walks in- Yes, greetings, Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke, my friends! What are you up to today?
Naruto: We're saying naughty ninja words like Jiggle-My-Ramen!
Lee: -gasps- Gai-Sensei forbids me from using dirty language!
Sasuke: Well, Gai-Sensei is a ninja from the Village Hidden in the Shit!
Lee: -gasps-
Sakura: Sasuke-kun doesn't mean it, Lee! He's just testing out some Ninja Swears!
Sasuke: I mean every word I ever say EVER because I'm Sasuke Uchiha, and I'm an avenger.
-lighting flash/dramatic music-
Lee: I'm telling Lady Tsunade! -starts to walk off-
Naruto: You're such a Noodle Head!
Lee: -keeps walking- This is against the rules!
Sasuke: -blocks his exit- I can't let you do this, Lee.
Lee: …Oh, no…no, no…-starts backing off- Oh, no! I do not want to swear! My Sensei doesn't want me to swear! This is-.
Sasuke: Are you a ninja or not, Lee?
Lee: I-I am a ninja but-.
Sasuke: Try it, then. Here's the list. -hands it to him- Say anything.
Lee:…Er, um…uh…Kakashi's…butt crack.
Naruto and Sakura: Yay!
Sasuke: -shakes head- You sicken me!
Lee: But-but it's on the list!
Sasuke: Kakashi's ten times the ninja you'll ever be, Lee.
Lee: Aaaww…-walks off-
Sasuke: -evil grin- Leave this village, Rock Lee. Never come back.
-dramatic pause-
Naruto and Sakura: Yay!
Sakura: You're quite the bad boy today, Sasuke-kun!
Naruto: Yeah, you're filled with emo attitude!
Sasuke: Let's do a prank call!
-picks up phone, dials, they all listen in-
Orochimaru: Orochimaru speaking.
Sasuke: Curse Mark!
Orochimaru: What? You kids…if I ever find out who's calling me, I will call the AMBU Black-Ops, and you will go to Ninja Jail, and then I will kill you! Unless you're Sasuke…then I'll rape you!
Sasuke: -backs away-
Orochimaru: So, yeah, stop calling me! -CLICK-
-Kakashi and Tsunade walk in-
Kakashi: -points- There they are!
Tsunade: Kakashi-Sensei would like to have a word with you, children.
Sakura: Oh, Akamaru turds!
Kakashi: That, my dear pupil, is exactly the sort of vulgarity that I want to eradicate from the ancient and distinguished streets of the Hidden Leaf Village. The traditions of the village must be upheld and respected. The First Hokage surely would have-.
Sasuke: Zabuza f--king Haku shit, Kakashi!
Kakashi: Whaaat?!
Sasuke: You Sharingan-using copy-catter!
-everyone stares at Sasuke-
Naruto: Gaara's sand!
Kakashi: Tsunade, I urge you to send these monsters back to the academy!
Tsunade: -waves a hand and grins- Oh, Kakashi! Let them have their flapdoodle!
Kakashi: But you're the one who banned the words in the first place!
Tsunade: I don't even remember five minutes ago…back to your porn-reading.
Kakashi: -stalks off-
Sakura: Thank you so much, Lady Tsunade!
Tsunade: You're welcome!
Sasuke: Tsunade, you're obscenely old, right?
Tsunade: Why you little-I mean, yes!
Sasuke: Do you know of any super-ancient, lost-to-the-ages, archaic, olden times Ninja Swears?
Tsunade: Ah, well, there is one.
Naruto: I want to hear it!
Tsunade: The Hokage Swear! You must never repeat it to anyone!
Sakura: We won't!
Tsunade: OK, here it is…
-another dramatic pause as Tsunade draws in breath-
Tsunade: Your mother is a BEEPBEEPBEEP retarded BEEPBEEPBEEP Shino's bug-ridden BEEPBEEPBEEP Sharingan BEEPBEEPBEEP ramen BEEPBEEPBEEP Democratic BEEPBEEPBEEP rice cake BEEPBEEPBEEP AMBU BEEPBEEPBEEPin a village far away where no one can hear you BEEPBEEPBEEP elephant BEEPBEEPBEEPKunai BEEPBEEPBEEP Akatsuki BEEPBEEPBEEP Byakugan BEEPBEEPBEEP Donald Duck BEEPBEEPBEEP Family Guy BEEPBEEPBEEP Nine-Tailed Fox!
-Tsunade pants-
Naruto: Whoaaaa…
Tsunade: Now you know. You must never EVER repeat it, OK?
-yet another dramatic pause-
Sasuke: -another evil grin- We promise, Ma'am.
Later that same day…
Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura surround Lee and say:
Your mother is a BEEPBEEPBEEP retarded BEEPBEEPBEEP Shino's bug-ridden BEEPBEEPBEEP Sharingan BEEPBEEPBEEP Ramen BEEPBEEPBEEP Democratic BEEPBEEPBEEP rice cake BEEPBEEPBEEP AMBU BEEPBEEPBEEPin a village far away where no one can hear you BEEPBEEPBEEP elephant BEEPBEEPBEEPKunai BEEPBEEPBEEP Akatsuki BEEPBEEPBEEP Byakugan BEEPBEEPBEEP Donald Duck BEEPBEEPBEEP Family Guy BEEPBEEPBEEP Nine-Tailed Fox!
Poor Lee!
THE END