A/N: This was my first commissioned fic. Took me around 5 days to write it all out and finish editing it. If you're interested, you can send me a PM here or on my Twitter or Tumblr! :)
In An Instant
Mabel doesn't know how she got here, how she'd gotten to this point of laying limply in bed, hair tangled and greasy against the pillows and bed sheets. She can't feel the layer of sweat and grime on her body but she knows it's there. Or at least she thinks so. She hadn't really been listening when the doctors had explained things.
Hadn't wanted to listen to them detail just how differently her life would be from then on. She probably should have listened, but...
She really, really doesn't know how she got to this.
No...scratch that, she knows exactly how she got here, and no amount of denial could change things.
She got here because of her own clumsiness, her own inattention to her surroundings.
Score one for her little brother Dipper, he was right that she'd end up hurting herself one day.
Oh God she can't move, she can't feel anything!
Why can't she feel anything!?
It's all your fault, all your fault!
Tears begin to well in her eyes, before she fights them back teeth gritting and grinding, mouth pulling into a snarl; there's no use crying now. She'd done nothing but cry for the past month and a half. She was so sick of crying. She was so sick of feeling nothing, feeling everything.
Everything hurt, yet it didn't at the same time.
Because she can't feel it hurt anymore.
She couldn't do this anymore. She just...just couldn't.
Her life had changed so much, so so so much.
The day that her life changed had been so normal and carefree!
She'd been with her friends, with her girlfriend! With her brother! They were having fun!
Mabel remembered how excited she was when Pacifica had shown up at her doorstep with Candy and Grenda in tow. It'd been too long since she had last seen them, too long since she'd held and kissed Pacifica. Long distance was painful in more ways than one. She remembered Dipper's mischievous grin and how he'd been in on the surprise. Mabel's heart had swelled and filled with love and happiness and she'd pounced on them all; bear hugs were one of her specialties.
Not anymore. They weren't her specialty anymore.
The days had been beautiful, perfect and warm.
Until her neck had snapped.
It was perfect, her life had been going amazingly. She'd been steadily gaining fame and a following on YouTube and Twitter for her fashion vlogs, craft videos, and occasional stunts.
All thanks to Dipper and Waddles for helping with those stunts.
Mabel had been going places, she'd been recognized by several other prominent YouTubers and promo'd as a result. She'd even done a few collabs! She'd already had a blossoming career at the tender age of sixteen.
Life had been good.
Her future was set before her and she'd pilot the ship. She'd achieve everything she'd ever dreamed of. Fashion and design school. A line of her own clothing and accessories. A channel with millions of subscribers who looked to her as their role model and idol.
Now it was all gone.
Pacifica had looked especially beautiful in the sunflower decorated sundress Mabel had made for her as an anniversary gift. It was their one year and both of them were excited and so in love. The new haircut she'd sported went perfectly with it. Mabel loved that dress, loved the haircut, and loved the other girl.
The little charm bracelet and stud earrings just completed her look of beauty and grace.
Pacifica's outfit matched Mabel's, the two of them making a pair. Dark washed denim shorts over a one piece bathing suit paired with a straw hat. Mabel had loved that outfit so so much.
Now she didn't even have it anymore because of the association and memories.
Mabel remembers the water being warm and the breeze bringing the smell of salt and beach into her nose. The way the sand smooshed between her toes and stuck to her legs. They had all played and splashed around in the surf, enjoying the way the sun danced against the waves. They'd built dozens of little sand castles and even a rough sculpture of Bill.
Making fun of him even in banishment or death or whatever because it didn't matter anymore.
The day was so beautiful and perfect that Mabel couldn't resist vlogging about it. She knew her viewers would appreciate the update and content. They seemed to enjoy seeing her normal day to day life.
So she vlogged their trip to the beach. Throwing an arm over her girlfriend and pulling her into frame, peppering smooches against her face as they both laughed. Introducing her to her audience at the same time, gushing about how pretty Pacifica was in that bedazzled sweater that the other girl had let Mabel put her in. Grabbing her brother and ruffling his hair as he protested shrilly about messing it up, even though he was laughing just as hard as she was. Flopping down with Grenda as they watched Candy shyly flirt with a boy from down the beach, all the while laughing and chatting about Marius.
If happiness had an image, it would have been those moments.
Then it all ended with a sickening crack, agonizing pain, and an all encompassing numbness.
Pacifica had been the one to react first, given she was the closest when Mabel had taken that dive to dodge the blonde's splash and not come up.
None of them had known the sandbar was there or that it was so dense.
The blonde girl had quickly scooped Mabel up when she saw her unmoving limbs and gently turned her over so that she floated in the water face up. Mabel knew something wasn't right immediately and an all consuming terror made her head swim.
She shouldn't be feeling this.
She felt nothing!
Nothingnothingnothing!
It wasn't normal. It wasn't right.
Her legs wouldn't move.
She couldn't even twitch her hands.
The water was rushing in.
Nononononono!
Through it all she faintly heard Pacifica mumbling reassurances. She met her girlfriend's dark blue eyes pleadingly and stuttered those damning words. "I can't feel anything. I can't feel anything."
Pacifica's voice had shrieked for Dipper to call 911 when she noticed her girlfriend just limply floating against her. The terror in Mabel's eyes and her admittance had only stoked the flames higher.
Mabel couldn't even begin to absorb what was happening, the feeling of absolutely numbness held her captivated.
The ride to the hospital was a blur, memories dulled by fear and drugs.
It was hours before anyone knew anything, not that Mabel really experienced much of it, consumed within her own mind and the anesthesia they had used. By the time the doctors knew anything Dipper had already called their parents. Their good, kind parents who didn't deserve to see one of their children in a hospital bed unmoving with a C4 vertebrae fracture and crushed spinal cord.
Mabel had broken her neck. In one of the worst, most critical places she could have broken it. The doctors had really emphasized that fact.
Mabel, in all her energetic ignorance, had managed to crush her vertebrae back into her spinal cord, severely damaging both to the point of likely never being able to feel below her shoulders again. The doctors said Mabel was one of the lucky ones, she hadn't totally lost the ability to breathe on her own, and she hadn't died because of the injury. She'd just likely lost function from her shoulders down and she'd need twenty-four hour care for the rest of her life.
Lost complete independence and autonomy for the rest of her life.
Mabel couldn't accept that; she wouldn't accept it.
None of her friends and family deserved to see the frantic, almost fanatical hope in Mabel's eyes when the doctors told them that physical therapy might have a slim chance in helping, that it was an option. Even the doctors, with eyes full of pity and clinical coolness saw that hope and did their best to warn her that it would likely not work, not in the way Mabel wanted it to.
Mabel hadn't listened though, she couldn't bear to think that she'd lost use of damn near one hundred percent of her body. She had things to do, a Twitter and YouTube channel to run.
She had a future that had been planned out ever since she was ten years old.
It couldn't just be over like that, not in an instant.
Not because of something so simple.
Not because of something she had done hundreds of times before without consequence.
Mabel was a stubborn soul, something she was proud of and considered an asset.
No one had been able nor wanted to crush that fragile thread of hope that Mabel had, not when she had laughed shakily and with false confidence assured everyone that she'd beat this.
Because that's what Mabel did, over come odds and make something bad turn into something good. She turned ratty old clothes into fashionable, unique pieces. She helped thwart Bill's plans on unleashing Weirdmaggedon upon the world.
She just knew she could turn this around and beat it too!
Mabel would not be spending the rest of her trapped in a motorized wheelchair.
Dipper and Pacifica had ended up being her biggest help during her time in therapy. Mabel was an eager, energetic person, that was just her. She wanted to jump into it immediately, the faster, the better right? It had been her brother and her girlfriend that convinced and talked her down into waiting until her body was ready.
Not that she could feel it.
Pacifica had stayed even when Candy and Grenda had to return back to Gravity Falls. Her two friends were so reluctant to go, both being stubborn and steadfast. They were Mabel's friend and they weren't going to leave her. They only relented when Mabel had practically begged for them to return to their families and that they'd Skype every week or night. Whatever they wanted.
Mabel hadn't been sure why Pacifica had stayed behind until her girlfriend revealed that she had planned on moving to Piedmont. It'd been her plan for a while; it was to be an end of summer surprise.
Gravity Falls was just too sore of a spot and contained too many memories for Pacifica.
Her emancipation from her parents and their subsequent arrest being one of the biggest factors. That and because they were total assholes. Kind of hard not to be total assholes when you literally take people's money and deny them things that you had promised.
Oh and lying to an entire town just to get more money too.
So...yeah Gravity Falls was a place filled with too many bad memories, but she had also missed Mabel and by extension Dipper; they were the wonder twin duo, or the wonder dorks duo.
They were her closest friends and Mabel was her girlfriend, long distance dates and intimacy made it easier to motivate her to start looking into it. With Mabel injuring herself, well…it had been that much easier for Pacifica to make the final decision.
Pacifica wanted to be there for Mabel.
She loved Mabel. She had for a while. She would for longer still.
And Mabel had been grateful for it. Grateful for the support and love.
The therapy sessions had been brutal, not exactly physically, but mentally. Dipper always made it a point to stay during them and help Mabel. His encouragement and support had been what she needed, along with their awkward sibling hugs...even if she couldn't return them. They had always been close, they were twins after all, but the accident had made Dipper cling to Mabel far more than before. It was...nice...but also irksome when Mabel was in one of her less than kind moods.
Pacifica was there for her just as much as Dipper was; she gave her soft kisses and gentle hugs that sometimes helped soothe the burning ache in Mabel's head after sessions. Pacifica was also the one to bluntly tell her when she was pushing herself too hard, or pushing people away too much.
They were her rocks. Her strongholds within the storm.
Then the lack of improvement begins to show.
The therapy lasted weeks before the doctors call it quits. Everything below Mabel's shoulders remain motionless and limp. All the hard work and shed tears made no difference to her persistent injury. The doctors' words slamming down with the force of a guillotine.
Her injury was classified as complete, she'd never feel anything from her shoulders down. She'd live the rest of her life bound to a wheelchair and the kindness and care of her family and friends. Mabel would have to relearn everything from moving the wheelchair with a straw or wand by aid of her inhales and exhales, to peeing and excreting.
And for the later, she'd need help for. For the rest of her life.
In that single moment all of Mabel's hope fractured around her like the window pane at her Gruncle's back when she was twelve.
The reality of her new life begins to set in.
It took two weeks before she was released from the hospital and allowed to go home. They needed to monitor her injury and progress with the therapy before they would allow her. They also needed to teach Mabel the basics of using her new wheelchair.
When she was finally released she returned to a different home. A home which had to be altered to fit her new needs. Unbeknownst to Mabel, Stan, Ford, and Soos had promptly driven down to Piedmont the moment they'd heard of her injury. It was them that helped Dipper and their parents convert the house to make it more accessible for her.
They'd visited her while she was in the hospital, but she hadn't known that they'd been doing all this for her.
They'd all tried to joke around, doing or saying things to try and make Mabel laugh. It worked a little at first, Mabel didn't want to think or focus on her new disability, her –in her opinion– new shortcomings. Stan was the one she was closest with, not that she didn't appreciate Ford or Soos, but overall Grunkle Stan was her favorite.
Stan could relate to her, at least a little bit. He and Ford were getting up there in the years and their bodies weren't what they used to be. His own more so than his brother's. He wasn't the most sensitive individual, more likely to bluntly tell it like it is than to offer empty platitudes, but his gruff nature was something that Mabel needed. Something that she appreciated.
The others, especially her parents, were more apt to tip toe around the subject and her pain.
And that hadn't helped at all.
It had gone on like that for a few weeks before they'd finally had to leave, her Grunkles and Soos having to go back to their shop and Pacifica going back to finalize her move from Gravity Falls to Piedmont.
None of them had wanted to leave, Pacifica most of all.
But Dipper and Mabel urged her to, that things would be okay until she'd gotten everything in order. Mabel would be a-okay while she was gone. It wouldn't be forever and she knew that Pacifica loved her. So it would all be okay.
It still hurt though, to see them all go.
It left Mabel feeling lonely and more than a little isolated. At least with all of them around, with there distraction and support, she didn't have to think so much. Didn't have to fight back the phantom sensations and pain from her now useless limbs.
Now though…she could do nothing but think. Hollow tingling spreading from one hand up her arm and down the other, bringing tears of frustration and loss to her eyes. She didn't want this, she didn't want to feel these phantoms. She didn't want to feel the tricks that her traitorous mind was playing on her.
But she did and it was maddening.
Dipper was the one who understood the most, she thinks. He'd had that out of body thing happen with Bill, so in a way he could understand what it was like to see your body and not be able to control it. He could understand the phantom sensations to an extent.
It helped a little.
He'd listen to Mabel rant and cry about the sensations and how they were driving her crazy.
But it wasn't enough, Mabel needed to throw herself into something. She needed to move.
But she can't!
Being surrounded by all the reminders of her life before the incident were painful. She needed to take her mind from them, so she threw herself into learning how to gain some of her independence back. She would practice for hours, learning how to turn pages with her mouth and a stick, how to type on her phone and keyboard with said stick.
Her emotions were all over the place, she'd practice for hours and hours, making mistakes over and over, and she'd do nothing but cry. The next day she'd do the same, suffer the same defeats, but she'd be completely empty of tears.
It was a mess.
She was a mess.
A huge mess of a person who couldn't control what she was feeling from moment to moment.
She'd made progress with the mouth-stick, progress that she was proud of, but the loss of being completely independent was still a huge blow. She wasn't even able to scratch her head or nose or cheek herself. She'd have to ask her mom or dad or Dipper for assistance.
She'd already had to ask at least a handful of times, each time being just as hard as the last.
Mabel couldn't even bathe by herself, her mom had to help her with that too. The same went for going to the bathroom. It was embarrassing and made her feel like an infant, but she couldn't do anything about it. It hurt so much to see the tears in her mom's eyes and the grimace on her dad's face. They didn't want to see her like this, struggling so much.
They were good people…
But...
It made her feel guilty and angry sometimes, because really…they weren't the ones who had to live like this. They weren't the ones who'd lost everything. Sure they had to help her, but they weren't the ones that had to receive that assistance.
They weren't the ones to feel the humiliation flood them.
In some of her weaker, angrier moments Mabel lashed out, telling them exactly that. Everything was strained during those times even if Mabel would immediately be eaten by guilt and apologize.
She'd even snapped and snarled at Dipper when he was helping her eat and drink at dinner. His wounded, but understanding look had been more than she could take.
Mabel managed to take herself upstairs after excusing herself, waiting on her mother or father to follow. She'd had to wait until they came to help her into bed, bitterness biting at her tongue and throat.
The gentle lecture that had followed hadn't helped her mood at all.
Soft squeaks on the hardwood outside of her door –because isn't it just great, she's just moping here in bed because she can't fucking move– and the soft, hesitant raps against it that follow pull her from her thoughts and make her eyes flutter closed.
It's Dipper, she knows it is.
Of course it's Dipper. He's a good brother and a good person. He wouldn't be able to stop himself from checking on her.
She's not ready to see him, not ready to face him with humiliation and regret churning in her mind. She knows she has to apologize, but she's not ready yet.
She hadn't suffered in her guilt enough yet.
The awkward clearing of his voice, still not quite deep enough –in his opinion, not hers– makes her reflexively try to clench fists that no longer respond.
Grinding her teeth together, Mabel says nothing. She doesn't want to talk, hasn't really wanted to for days...weeks. And she especially doesn't want to talk now.
But Dipper is just as stubborn as she is...was and he lets himself in.
She does nothing, says nothing.
Mabel just can't bring herself to.
She just wants to stew in her misery.
Bouncing on the tips of his toes, hands stuffed in his pockets, Dipper bites the bullet and speaks first. Because that's how it's gonna be, at least for a while he thinks. He doesn't mind, not if it helps Mabel, even just a little bit.
"Hey...hey Mabel! Maybe...uh...maybe you should get some fresh air. Have a change of scenery..? It'll do you some good..I think. There's...there's still some daylight out. It'll...it'll be really nice."
There's no response….not that he expected one, really.
But Dipper had hoped.
He'd been hoping beyond hope. A smile, a laugh, hell even a glare would have been better than nothing.
Clearing his throat Dipper edges a little closer to the bed, enough to see the outline of Mabel's nose and cheek. "So..um..about dinner..? I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel...make you feel like less… I...I'm sorry I didn't think before I spoke. I know I can be...I know I can miss certain...social cues...but...I'm sorry."
Dipper's worried, he honest to God worried that his sister won't snap out of this. He's scared that she'll let this defeat her, jade her. He's worried that his fuck ups like tonight might just push her to it. He's worried that she'll fall into a deep depression and just give up. Just want to...to...die.
It hurts to see his twin, his big sister by five whole minutes, suffering.
Sometimes he wishes that it's him with the injury.
It isn't fair.
None of what's happened is fair.
But life isn't about being fair is it?
Dipper should know at least that much by now.
Shifting his weight from foot to foot, Dipper tries again, injecting forced optimism into his voice and changes tactics. Pacifica has a way of making his sister react that even he can't accomplish.
"So Pacifica is here, she's back….her plane landed an hour ago. She's worried about you...we all are, but her especially. Wouldn't it be nice to...to go downstairs and hang out? It...it'll be like old times."
That gets a reaction, but not the one Dipper had wanted. The one he expected, but not the one he so desperately hoped for. Mabel's eyes rolled slowly over to stare blankly at him, the usual life in them emptied and gone, replaced with something darker.
It makes his heart ache and clench in fear.
Biting his lip hard, tears begin to gather and overflow. Sniffling, Dipper can't stop the emotional display. He doesn't want to. He's stressed, and he's hurting for his sister.
He's tried to keep being strong and optimistic, for Mabel, for their parents and Gruncles, but it's becoming too much. Dipper can feel himself breaking a little, inside. He's strong, but he's not this strong.
Frustration begins to build in Mabel, Dipper's always been more emotionally sensitive than her and it kills her inside that she can't yank him into a hug. She wants to scream that she's sorry, that she hadn't meant to snap, that she hadn't meant to turn into someone so bitter and angry.
She wants to scream that she's sorry that she's a burden.
She doesn't want to be like this, she doesn't want to be paralyzed from the neck down.
She wants to hug her brother.
She wants to feel Pacifica take her hand.
She wants to feel again.
Mabel can feel the burning sting of unshed tears gather in her nose and behind her eyes. Watching Dipper breakdown and not being able to comfort or reassure him was maddening. She willed her dead weight limbs to move, she tried tried tried tried!
But they refused to budge.
An anguished sob escapes her and she can't even cover her face to hide the display. The sound makes Dipper's head whip up and has him crossing to the bed and falling to his knees, cradling her face in his hands.
The touch of his forehead to the top of her head sends Mabel into hysterics and blubbering. "I'm s-s-sorry! I'm s-so sorry Dipper. I'm sorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry!"
The miserable sounds that his sister makes cause Dipper to release a few of his own, keening softly against her head. He wraps his arms around her, not caring that her limbs move awkwardly and bonelessly against him. He wants her to know he cares, that he's there and he won't let her hurt alone. "I'm here, I'm here Mabel! I forgive you and love you and I'm here."
Both miss the soft footsteps padding into the room, Pacifica finally getting tired of waiting for Dipper to call her up. She's not one to wait around patiently anyway, one of her traits that hadn't changed at all since she was twelve. She wanted to see her girlfriend. It had been a lonely and stressful two weeks apart.
The constant worrying had been the most stress-filled part. Pacifica hadn't wanted to leave Mabel, not so soon after her accident. Not when Mabel clearly needed people and support. Pacifica wasn't the same as when she was a stuck up snotty little brat three years ago in Gravity Falls. She'd done a lot of growing the intervening years, if she did say so herself.
She was kinder now, less prone to bouts of bratty temper tantrums and out of place judgments. Losing your entire family fortune and having your shit parents go to jail does that to a person. Pacifica couldn't afford to be the way she was anymore, she didn't want to ever be that way again. Not after figuring out that her parents were the real assholes of the world.
No…she'd learned to be a better person; better than her parents never even tried to be.
And it wasn't on her own either; Dipper had been the one to open her eyes to the life she'd been living. A life based on one big fat lie, full of unearned arrogance and judgments. That had been the eye opener; Mabel, Grenda, and Candy giving her more chances than she deserved was another step on Pacifica's road to redemption. Or atonement at least.
Their kindness was what inspired Pacifica to be kind.
She's never thanked them for that, not directly. Pacifica would have to do that, even if it would be hard.
Pacifica could learn to swallow some of her pride.
More humbleness wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to her.
Maybe this could be a first step in returning what they'd given to her. Watching her two favorite people break in front of her was heartbreaking; tears began to fill her own eyes before she blinks them away.
No...Pacifica would be their rock.
She'd be their support, no matter what.
They both needed it at the moment. She'd let them be her rock at a later time.
Right now they were the ones in need.
Resolve burning in her chest and under her skin, Pacifica pads over to them both and joins in the embrace. Unbidden, both Mabel and Dipper cry harder, hiccuping sobs and gasps of breath when they realize it's Pacifica who's joined them.
It isn't long before they all end up huddled together, Mabel in between Dipper and herself. Pacifica's constant reassurances echoing in the room that still oozes Mabel's personality, even if Mabel's personality is in hiding right now.
"Shh...it'll be okay, everything will be okay. Things will look up, I promise. I promise. I love you, we love you."
And life does start to look up for Mabel, albeit slowly and almost unnoticeably at first.
It starts with the little things, like Mabel accepting Dipper and Pacifica's help with far more grace than before, less harsh words and bursts of anger. It still rubs and stings that she has to have help and she still has her moments of anger, but she was slowly coming to accept that she does need them to help her.
The small gestures of understanding from her brother, parents, and girlfriend begin to soothe the ache she feels as well. They all begin to do research on their own, ways to help make her feel more independent and more normal than she has been feeling. A few times a week they'd all sit around together and discuss what Mabel had been feeling and what they were all feeling as a result.
It was therapeutic.
It really helped them all.
Dipper and Pacifica even suggested that Mabel return to crafting and vlogging. The idea is so tempting, yet so painful as well. She can't move her arms or legs, which means she can't make or design anything. Or at least that's what she believes at the time.
She even expresses that to both of them, only to be met with twin looks of determination. They tell her they'd be her hands, Mabel did still have her mind and creativity after all.
Mabel would be the brains and they'd be the brawn to wrestle those designs together.
It was enough of a temptation that Mabel couldn't resist.
She didn't want to resist.
It also had given her an idea. Well...a reminder really.
She hadn't uploaded a video or really anything to any of her social medias in months. She'd been so focused on herself, on her misery and pain and recovery. Distantly she knew that Dipper would have kept her fans abreast of the situation, while respecting her privacy.
But….
But her fans...her Mystery FamilyTM deserved to know more. She owed it to them.
So she found herself a few days later fighting back instinctive fear of the unknown. She'd been gone for so long with nothing but silence given to them. She hoped they would all understand. Dipper and Pacifica did, and they supported her, even if both worried more than was healthy.
Swallowing, Mabel exhaled slowly through her nose. She could do this, she had to do this, she couldn't just let her viewers sit in limbo. She'd experienced that enough during therapy and her hospital stay to know that it wasn't a way to live. She had to at least tell them what happened and what the future of her channel was going to be.
Nodding at Dipper, she feels Pacifica card a hand through her hair and leans into it gratefully. The red light of her camera blinks for a moment before turning solid red, it was recording. Seeing herself echoed on the screen of her computer, the editing program showing its own little red dot, made it all the more real.
Freezing, Mabel lets a moment of unsurety get to her and blinks slowly at the camera. A quick murmur and the touch of lips against her ear break the camera's spell and her breath whooshes out in a sigh. She hadn't even noticed she'd been holding it.
Staring into the camera Mabel smiles and clears her throat, "So...it's been a while guys...a long while. I'm sorry about that. I truly am. I never meant to drop off the face of the Earth...but...as you all can see there's been a reason for that….a..a really big reason for that." An uncomfortable, slightly self-deprecating laugh escapes her lips, before she chokes it off.
Stopping for a second to gather her breath and courage, Mabel organizes her thoughts and pushes on. She has to push on, for herself and for her fans. "Two months ago...I was in a diving accident. It was a normal day. Sunny and warm. A...really normal day. My brother, girlfriend, and our friends….we all went to the beach. I took a spill and..and...I fractured my C4 vertebrae and crushed my spinal cord..."
A comforting hand, cups her cheek and Mabel realizes she's crying a little. Through suddenly watery eyes, she can barely make out her brother giving her a thumbs up. Letting Pacifica wipe away the tears as they overflow and begin to stream, Mabel tries to keep her voice steady whiles she continues. From the wavering quality of her voice, she knows she's failed. "I'm...I now….I'm bound to a wheelchair guys."
Those simple words are all it takes for the dam inside of her to come crashing down. Sobs begin to bubble from her throat and for a moment she can't talk through them. She can barely breathe in that moment. Pacifica is suddenly there and Mabel turns her face into her chest, leaning into the warmth and love she can feel radiating from her. Another pair of arms wrap around her and she realizes her twin must have joined the embrace as well.
Figures….Dipper was always the softer one. Mabel was infinitely grateful for that.
Surrounded by their warmth and love is a true boon.
Allowing herself those few minutes does wonders for Mabel, she begins to feel lighter than she had in a while now. Throat still clogged with tears, she manages to grit out, "I'm...I'm okay now guys, I'm okay. I...I have to do this."
Dipper squeezes her head gently and steps back, resting one hand against the top of her chair. Pacifica presses a kiss to her forehead and briefly rests there foreheads together before taking a seat on the bed. Both remain close to Mabel, ready to interject and offer more support and comfort.
They both know how hard this is for her.
It's hard for them too.
Tears prick at her eyes again and not for the first time Mabel realizes how lucky she is to have both of them here with her.
Letting her brother dab lightly at her cheeks and eyes, Mabel meets the camera head on again, still sniffling. "It's...it's been rough guys...I'm...I'm doing better than I was. Thanks to my brother and Pacifica and our friends. I….I wasn't sure if I was ever going to make another video. But you guys deserve to know what happened. I...this channel means everything to me….my crafts and designs mean everything to me. It's..."
Mabel pauses and tries to find words to adequately describe what she's feeling...has felt. "It's been so hard, so so so hard. You all know that I'm an active person, I move and go and use my hands for everything. I'm...I'm loud and energetic. Now….now I've lost the ability to be that. It's been hard to cope."
Hard to cope was the understatement of the century.
It's been agonizing not to be able to design new clothes or bags.
It's been agonizing not being able to just feel the texture of fabric across her skin.
Thankfully...she...she has her brother and Pacifica to help now. Even if that only really partially brings resolution to some of what she's been feeling.
She tells the camera that too. "I...I'm gonna be around more now...not...not as much as I used to be, but videos and updates will come. Maybe...in the future I can be around more, but for now...I still need to recover. I wanna thank each and every one of you for your patience and understanding. This isn't the end for us...it'll just be a new chapter. I'm...I'm still in the process of figuring things out. Dipper and Pacifica have been a huge help so far and I know that they'll continue to be."
Sniffling a little, Mabel tries to send her best signature grin to her audience before Dipper stops recording.
Both crowd around her, praising her gently and softly and more tears prick at the corners of her eyes. It felt so nice to get everything out in the open, an invisible weight lifting from her metaphorical shoulders. She hadn't realized how much she'd been stressed by the idea of never speaking to her viewers again.
Of never making videos again.
Tilting her head back slightly, she gave both a watery smile. "Thank you both so so much for helping me. Thank you thank you thank you."
Dipper is shaking his head before she even finishes talking. Rubbing the back of his neck, he gives her one of his derpy smiles, the ones that remind her so fondly of that summer before they turned thirteen. "Mabel it's..you don't have to thank us….we love you. We're here for you."
Humming in agreement, Pacifica adds, "Mabel, babe...we'd do anything for you. I promise you, we're not doing this out of some sense of obligation or anything like that. We'll help make things work. We'll do everything we can, I'll do everything I can."
Something uncurls in her mind at the genuine words. Mabel hadn't realized she needed to hear them, hadn't realized she'd begun to see herself as some kind of a huge burden.
Looking into their faces, Mabel realizes just how silly that thought was...is. They loved her far too much for her to ever be considered anything like a burden. Grief and depression twist the mind and it's whispers, so she can't really blame herself all that much.
Almost immediately after they post the video it explodes and goes viral. It seemed all her fans were excited and happy to see her back. The well wishes and support she got was overwhelming. Of course there were a few tasteless comments, but they were mostly drowned out by all the positivity and love.
A warm feeling curls in her head and she starts to believe that she really can do this. They really can do this.
Nearly a week later sees Mabel sitting at the small cafe table in her parents kitchen, enjoying the way the sun warms the back of her head and neck. The sound of traffic and birds chirping only add to the calm atmosphere that she finds herself in.
For the first time in months, she doesn't feel the crushing weight of thoughts running circles in her mind. All she feels is the moment, the peace surrounding the house. Humming to herself softly, Mabel notices Pacifica stop in the kitchen doorway and stare for a moment.
Meeting the other girl's gaze, Mabel blinks slowly in contentment.
The tinkling laugh that follows the action makes her lips pull up in a slight smile, eyes drifting closed.
A gentle hand rests on Mabel's head and she can't help the small blush nor the soft sigh that escapes her. Leaning into it, Mabel glances up after a moment to meet Pacifica's deep blue eyes, the light of the rising sun catching them just right and making them sparkle. She hadn't even noticed the girl cross the room to stand beside her.
A smile begins to play across her girlfriend's artfully painted lips and Mabel can't help but return it, more than a little star-struck. Pacifica lightly taps Mabel's nose and the sensation makes her giggle a little, a sound of happiness that they were both relieved to hear again.
She loves Pacifica, so so so much.
Bending and dropping a kiss to the top of Mabel's head, Pacifica slides into the chair across from her and drops a cheek into one hand, a picture of beauty and adoration. Mabel wants to toy with her own hair, but not even her sudden flustered state can move her arms.
That simple fact is almost enough to make Mabel pout, as absurd as that is, the transition from being angry and bitter about not being able to move to being more accepting, a sharp contrast. The part of her that's still angry and bitter wants to surge forward, but Mabel gently pushes it aside, tells it that it's okay to feel this way.
It isn't going to help her by being that way. She knows she's allowed to feel angry and bitter, but right now isn't the time. Mabel's mood is just too good to waste on being mad. Plus her gorgeous girlfriend is in front of her, smiling fondly.
That's enough for Mabel right now. More than enough really.
Pacifica doesn't take long to spark up the conversation that has been buzzing on the edge of her tongue for the past few days. Smiling beatifically at her girlfriend, Pacifica goes with the natural bluntness that she's never quite squashed out of her personality. "Sooo...I was thinking that we all should take a trip to the zoo, my treat of course. It'd be nice, I could even do your make-up and hair."
Blinking owlishly at her girlfriend, Mabel doesn't get the chance to think before a voice pipes up from behind her. "Yeah! It'll be fun Mabel! You'll get to see all those cute and frankly disgusting animals you like AND you'll get to practice with your...wheelchair!"
If Mabel could jump, she would've; Dipper's disembodied voice scared the beejeezus out of her. As it was, she turned slowly backed her wheelchair up and turned to face him. The hope and dim light of excitement on his face made Mabel falter.
Turning the suggestion over in her mind, Mabel fought against the automatic fear that always seemed to rise when she thought about going out in public. Something she'd been putting off for a while now; the thought of being stared at just a little too scary.
Dipper was right though, she'd need to get some more practice in for when they all returned to school. Which was...well it was soon...sooner than was ideal for Mabel. It really would be of benefit to her. Even if the idea was triggering all her anxiety and fear.
Plus...Mabel needed to get used to being stared at and likely questioned about her...condition.
Setting her jaw stubbornly, Mabel meets her brother's eyes and nods in agreement. Forcing more chipperness in her voice than she felt, Mabel chirped, "That sounds great guys! It'll be fun, I can't wait to see the animals! Especially the otters! Oh and the sloths! Maybe we'll get to hold one this time!"
She's babbling, kind of like she normally does and it's a relief. The room feels lighter and airier somehow; Mabel feels lighter and airier.
Dipper does his goofy laugh and Pacifica nearly jumps from her seat and runs to the stairs, calling over her shoulder for Mabel to "get your butt up here dork!"
All of it makes her laugh and Mabel zips by her brother as he's plopping himself down in the chair Pacifica had just vacated. Grinning, he calls to her back teasingly, "Don't be such girls and take too long Mabel. It might be closing time by the time you two get finished."
Luckily for Dipper, they didn't take too long; Pacifica had limited herself to just the basics, some light concealer and foundation, a little blush and eyeliner, and some light pink lip gloss were what she settled on. Picking out Mabel's clothes proved to take longer. Both girls rejected outfit after outfit until they settled on a light baby blue sundress that Mabel had made last year sometime. Coupling it with a bow wrapped sunhat and sandals completed the look.
Mabel looked beautiful and Pacifica told her so.
And Mabel appreciated the compliment. She hadn't really felt pretty lately, hadn't really focused on that. She'd had other things on her mind. Other worries to..well worry about.
Getting to the zoo only took about fifteen minutes, longer than usual, but hey it was summertime, it was to be expected. They were just lucky they didn't live in a place like...downtown LA. Now that would have taken forever.
Nervous excitement bubbled in Mabel's stomach and when they arrived she could barely contain the chattering bouncing on the tip of her tongue. The weather was balmy and warm compared to earlier in the summer.
A perfect day to visit the zoo to see some animals.
The otters were the first thing they were going to see, Mabel would not be swayed on that matter. She wanted to see those fuzzy little bastards and their stupidly cute little hands..er..paws! Oh and she wanted to see them play with those special little rocks they had!
.Cute!
The otter exhibit was on the other side of the park but it wasn't a deterrent. Not for Mabel and not for Pacifica and Dipper. They were content to let Mabel do as she wished. This day was mostly for her after all.
They were mostly worried about her running over someone in her rush to see them.
It was actually really funny to see her like this. It reinforced to them that Mabel was still the same girl deep down.
Crazy, loud, and excitable.
The otter exhibit wasn't too busy and those that were there were kind enough to politely usher their children off to the side so that Mabel could roll closer. She was content to watch the otters play on their little slide and swim through the water playfully chasing each other.
She would have liked to have been able to reach out and touch the glass when the little guys swam up to the window.
Dipper saw the difference in his sister first. Small little smiles started to grow in size and tiny giggles turned into loud laughs. This was the Mabel he remembered. This was his sunny natured big sister. And he'd never hear the end of it if she knew he willing thought of her as his big sister. Smiling, a feeling of peace washed over him as he spent more time watching her than the otters.
Pacifica wasn't far behind in noticing the change in her girlfriend. She was laughing more, smiling more...she had a glow to her that had vanished for a little while. In a way Pacifica was worried, because she knew that Mabel still had a long ways to go before being alright again.
This...this tentative happiness would only be temporary...
But…
She was so happy now...and Pacifica was happy that she seemed to be right now.
Settling in beside Mabel, she cooed and aww'd with her at the antics of the little creatures. Otters weren't one of Pacifica's favorite animals, but it was nice enjoying their playful nature and how it made Mabel laugh.
After twenty or so minutes they move on to the next exhibit, deciding to work their way toward the sloths. It'd been a little while since they'd gone to the zoo, so some of the animal additions were new and unfamiliar.
There were some animals even Dipper didn't know.
Mabel couldn't help but tease him about it.
It took around two hours before they even got close to the sloths' exhibit; Dipper had to take a pee break and Mabel saw the cutest stuffed animals that she just had to have.
There were more people gathered around the sloths and they had to hang back for a bit before managing to nudge their way up to the enclosure. Nearby was a harried looking spokesperson getting ready to launch into another information session about sloths.
They all winced in sympathy as the lady's voice starts off chipper and falsely cheery and slowly works its way into an exhausted lilt. She'd clearly been here for a while saying the same thing over and over. "Here at the Oakland Zoo we've recently received two new additions to our family! Dr. Sloth and Needles are our two sloths that were rescued when they were a few weeks old. They're brothers and their mother most likely was predated. They lived most of their life at a local sanctuary before coming to us."
Eyes sparkling, Mabel listens intently to the woman and coos at the large animals slowly making their way across the canopy of their enclosure. She'd definitely have to come back soon to see them again! They were just so cute. Plus they'd given her an idea about a new handbag.
The rest of their time went along similar lines. Mabel got several more stuffed plushes, one in particular of a black forest hog that reminded her of Waddles. Poor Waddles...he'd gotten too big for their house and they'd had to send him to her Gruncles and Soos.
She knew that they took care of him, but she still missed him terribly.
She'd have to make a trip up there and visit him soon.
All in all though, when they got home they were all pleasantly exhausted and content. It really had been something that they needed.
It doesn't take long for Mabel's world to come sharply back into focus.
Mabel had never realized just how inaccessible the world was to people like her. Not until it was staring her down and laughing in her face.
Like a complete and utter asshole.
She, Dipper, and Pacifica had their first day of school in less than a week and here she was at their open house for the new year, nearly in tears because of frustration and the looks other people gave her when they passed by.
The campus had never seemed so big and spread around.
Taking a deep breathe, Mabel fights back the tears and gives herself a moment before trying to tackle the incline that looms before her. Just one of the many hurdles she's had to face today. Puffing into the straw mounted in front of her face, Mabel begins to realize just how much work being disabled is.
And it shouldn't be. This wasn't right.
Her school only contained around seven hundred students at any given time, but it was spread out.
And old.
The school had been built in the early twenties and while it had gone through some reconstruction several times, it was still majorly inaccessible. There weren't any buildings that were more than one floor, but some still had steps and no ramps for people with wheels chairs to get up.
So all in all she had a beautiful, inaccessible mess of school that she now had to tackle fully disabled.
It strikes her a little harder than she expected, she'd never really given any thought to the other disabled students that went to the school. She...she's ashamed to admit it, but it had never really been relevant to her. She'd never really paid them any heed. Sure she'd had friends and acquaintances that were disabled but…Mabel had never really thought about what they had to go through.
It was a selfish thing.
To have been close to them and never once really thought about how they felt or how they struggled in a world that was essentially inaccessible to people who weren't fully able bodied….
Mabel feels a deep, aching regret. She'd been a bad friend. And a bad person.
Well...now she'd learn first hand how inaccessible the world was going to be to her.
She'd learn how to be a better person because of this as well. She owed the people she had wronged that much at least.
She owed it to herself too.
It takes Mabel a good five minutes to get up the ramp and into another too crowded hallway. The walls had never seemed so narrow, the ceiling had never been so low. It felt like everything was pressing down around her.
It was discomfiting.
It was frightening.
And it wasn't the first time today she'd experienced it. She almost wishes that she took her brother's advice and waited for him or Pacifica. But she hadn't wanted to hold them up.
No...she could do this. . .
More looks are flashed her way as she steers her wheelchair toward the last room on the left. It was her final class that she would have during her first semester. She can't even remember what class it's supposed to be and she doesn't have anyone here to read it out to her. Gritting her teeth a little, Mabel does her best to ignore the stares and looks of pity.
She doesn't want there pity.
She doesn't need it.
Head held a little higher, Mabel glides into the classroom slowly coming to halt near the front. The teacher looks up and does a double take, eyes widening and face crumpling into a mix of pity and curiosity. Having had enough of those looks, Mabel meets the teacher's eyes unflinching and stares right back.
They had no right to look at her like that. She wasn't on display. She didn't owe them any kind of story.
It was going to be just a little longer before she could go home.
All that she'd seen and experienced today was weighing on her.
She..she had the spark of an idea.
Mabel only listened with half an ear as other students and some of their parents filed in. She was too busy turning over the idea in her mind. It was a good one —she thinks so at least— one that she thinks Dipper and Pacifica would approve of.
She has a feeling they'd rally around it.
Before long Mabel comes back to her surroundings, people around her moving quickly to leave and get home. She couldn't say she blamed them.
She wanted to get home too.
Dipper was waiting over by the door, Pacifica in tow. Giving them a look of determination she steered her wheel chair over.
Mabel had a video to make.
Just like Mabel thought, Dipper and Pacifica were on board for her idea. Dipper had updated her laptop recently for ease of access for Mabel. She could simply use her voice to command it and it would do as she said….for the most part at least.
Dipper was a tech genius...well just a genius in general!
She didn't think she'd be able to do the video right after getting home, but the more she thought on it, the more agitated she got. This wasn't something that she'd be able to keep in. It wasn't something that she wanted to. She had to let people know.
Frowning at the camera, Mabel clipped out a command for it to begin recording. She was just a little fired up. Only just a little though.
Okay….maybe more than just a little.
Watching the little red light come on and double checking in the editing program, she could barely stop herself from launching into an immediate rant.
Taking a deep breath Mabel addressed her viewers seriously, "So guys...I just got back from open house. As most of you know, Dipper and I will be attending our junior year." Pausing, Mabel snorts inelegantly and shakes her head gently, still aware that she's not completely healed yet. "I learned a lot tonight...about myself and about the world we live in. And they weren't really good things guys."
"I realized today that I'm a selfish, self centered person. And a bad friend." She wants to raise a hand to hold off invisible protests, but settles on staring straight into the camera. "Please know that I'm not bashing myself or looking for sympathy. I really have been a self-centered person and likely any of you that aren't disabled have been too."
Smiling, more than a little sardonically, Mabel rushes to explain herself before she sticks her foot into her mouth. "Now please don't click off, I really need to explain what I mean. It's just that...today I learned that the world is really inaccessible to people with disabilities like mine. The halls at the school are narrow, the doors are narrow and my wheelchair struggles to fit through it. It wasn't built with people like me in mind."
It kills Mabel that she can't gesticulate as she talks. Before the accident she'd always use her hands in grand gestures; to touch, to feel...she couldn't do that now. So she'd just have to use her voice. Not like it'd be hard for her to do. She was as bit of a motor mouth! And passionate to boot.
"Classes are from one end of the campus to the other and it takes extra time and care for me to get through the crowds. Granted my campus is only around seven hundred people, but it's still a lot to maneuver through, especially when everyone else is trying to get to class too. The teachers don't understand….they give a little extra time for me to get to their classes, but...they just don't understand how hard it is. I have a feeling I'll be late to them a lot."
Sighing heavily, Mabel closes her eyes for a moment, a throbbing beginning behind her eyes. Re-opening them, Mabel stares tiredly at her feet for a moment before glancing back up. "Anyway...the point is, before my accident I never even really gave any thought to how hard things are for disabled people. Every day the able bodied take for granted that they are just that...abled. I have friends and acquaintances that are disabled. How terrible have I been to not even think about how they struggled and still struggle."
She wants to say that tears begin to gather, but that'd be a lie. She's exhausted all the tears she has in the past few weeks, but she's sure if she could feel below her shoulders, she'd feel her heart twist in her chest. "I've gone to school with some of these people for years and never even thought about how their disabilities effect their lives. I guess being disabled now has been eye-opening, as sad as that is. Sorry I'm rambling guys, but this is something that I truly think needs to be addressed. We need to make things more accessible to disabled people. We need to take more time to understand their unique needs and perspectives. I really think we'd learn a lot. As someone who used to be abled, I realize now just how much we all take for granted. So...well with that I'll see you next time guys. Be prepared for more mini-rants like this alongside my usual content."
Muttering out a command to stop recording, Mabel lightly rests her head against the back of her chair. They had been a long winded little rant she'd gone on, but...she felt a whole lot better about things. Even if she did end abruptly.
Maybe the video would garner enough attention and support that they'd be able to make a real difference in people's lives.
Because that's something she'd always wanted to do, but in a different way. Maybe now she'd be able to impact their lives in an even more meaningful way.
It was a new goal. A new future to look forward too.
She lets Dipper and Pacifica edit it, taking more than a little amusement in how they bicker back and forth. It's a piece of normality that has her relaxing even more. It reminds of her a little of when they all were younger. Dumb kids that they were.
She could do this. She could.
They'd already taken on a space hopping demon hell-bent on unleashing the apocalypse.
They could do this.
Mabel has them upload the video for her before they all go downstairs to have some snacks.
The next time they look at Mabel's follower count they all have to take a moment to pick their jaws up off the floor. She'd gained at least fifty thousand followers in less that two hours. The top comments under her video being largely from disabled people sharing her frustrations and offering support and praise.
It was bolstering to them all.
Mabel couldn't look at her phone for long, it was constantly blowing up with notifications. Grenda and Candy had even texted, letting her know that they watched it and supported her.
Life still wasn't back to normal. It probably never would go back to being the normal they'd known before. But that was okay, they'd make a new normal.
A new normal where they were all together and supported each other through thick and thin. A new normal where Mabel could be at peace with what happened to her.
It might not come for a long time.
But that was okay.
They had each other and that was all that really mattered.
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