The pitter-patter of raindrops on the roof woke me from my sleep. My blinds were wide open, the window showing me the torrents of rain that fell from the dark sky. It had to be past midnight.
I stood and walked towards it, my gaze fixed. Memories flooded my mind, a smile gracing my face. 'You used to love the rain.' I recalled fondly. The days we spent had passed so quickly, and the nights alone so slowly. I always thought you were beautiful, and at night when I couldn't see you I felt your body so close to mine and I knew that you always would be beautiful. In my eyes, at least.
Neither of us have ever been the sort of people to open up to others. But you had provoked another side of me, and almost unknowingly I had fallen under your spell. I told you everything, and you, me. I was everything to you, and there was nothing but you for me.
The key word is was. We aren't what we used to be, and I've gotten over you, but memories of you still fill my head. And it's nights like this that make me remember what we had. At first the pain had been terrible, almost unbearable. But slowly I learned to cope without you. How had you entranced me so? To think that we could always be together.
"You left me! I loved you, and you left! I can't go on like this any more. Just hoping that you'll love me like I love you. You're an asshole, and you never cared. Why--? Why did you do this to me?" Moegi cried, hurt and anger mangling her usually beautiful face.
"You knew me. You should've guessed this would happen, Mo. I've never loved you, I told you, I don't love." Replied I, untruthfully, but nonetheless emotionlessly.
"I-I, but I love you! Please, Sai, tell me you love me. You-you have to love me. You-you have to. You said you did, and all those days, and nights. Sai--" She pleaded with me, I could see her heart breaking in her beautiful, soft eyes and I felt my heart echo hers.
When she left I felt empty, none of the relief I had expected came. I learned to come to terms with the fact that I had loved her. It hurt me to think that I had done all of this just to find out that what I thought was a lie was truth. Maybe I had lived to long without loving someone that I hadn't understood what the term really meant. Maybe… but all those maybes are in the past now. 'Moegi, you were my everything.' I thought sadly.
I still loved her, and I'm sure if I ever saw her again I'd feel that all too familiar pain wash over my body again. But for now I was over her. For now I was nothing again. For now I was the mysterious, uncaring, asshole, Sai.
I remembered the better times, when we were together and happy. When I never thought to look past the smiles to a non-existant underlying meaning. Before I wanted answers.
"Haha, very funny, Sai." Moegi rolled her eyes jokingly at me, a sarcastic smirk on her face.
"I know I am." I replied smiling so slightly, but I could tell she saw it.
"And that's why I love you." Her eyes shone brightly, little stars in them.
Moegi pulled me closer by the neck and kissed me chastely. I replied, deepening it and making it more passionate. Moegi giggled and I smirked. Pushing her away so I could stare at her face.
"I really care about you, Mo." I stated, she stared in surprise: it had been the first time I'd ever told her I cared about her; the first time I'd ever told her how I felt.
"I know." She replied lovingly, once again pulling me into a kiss.
The second time was harder, but eventually opening up to her became easy. Eventually I grew to love her.
"Mo, can I tell you something?" I inquired, knowing the answer before I'd even asked the question.
"Of course, Sai." She replied.
"You know you're the first person I've ever cared about - since my brother, of course. And, I've never felt that much before. Emotions have always seemed weak. But ever since I've met you I've become stronger, and I've grown to love you. I really have. You've become everything to me." No emotion entered my words - old habits die hard - but she trusted and understood me.
"Sai, I know you do. I love you too. So much." Moegi's countenance was genuine, and her eyes glistened with tears of happiness.
I cupped her cheek in my palm, and tilted it upwards then leaned downwards into a long and passionate kiss. We didn't go any further than lips, but we stayed like that for what felt like hours. Eventually Moegi pulled away and embraced me lovingly.
I let her go because I over thought. I believed that she would eventually leave me, that what we shared meant nothing; that I never loved her. I was scared, I was a coward. I couldn't go on loving her because I didn't want to get hurt.
Eventually I drifted off to sleep, the rain still pitter-pattering against my window - bringing more memories of her back.
"Hmm, oh, I love the rain Sai!" Moegi exclaimed as she danced around, twirling through the puddles as the rain pounded on us.
"Me too." I replied quietly as I stared at her, entranced.
"Dance with me?" She asked, her eyes pleading.
I stood and took her outstretched hand. She pulled me quickly, we danced quickly, to a nonexistant song that would have had a fun beat. I twirled her and she kept on twirling, getting dizzier and dizzier. She laughed melodically, I felt it echoing in my very bones.
"Sai! I LOVE YOU!!" She screamed, even though I was right there.
"Moegi…" I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, and how when I saw her like that I wanted to paint her exactly like that, but I never would because I could never capture her beauty with a brush. She was too much for that.
"Don't say anything if you can't, I know you too well for that Sai. I know you love me. Don't worry." She reassured me, her eyes sparkling.
"Moegi, I want to say it. I love you, a lot. You're beautiful, but so much more. You're everything." I whispered, almost afraid to speak it out loud.
"SAI!" She screamed happily, letting go of my hand and twirling away through puddles, splashing in everyone of them.
"Never leave me, Mo. Don't ever leave me." I said, pulling her back to me, letting her rest her head on my chest.
"You should know by now that I won't, you're so insecure about us! You're my everything! How many times do I have to tell you? I'd give up my family, my friends, my life, I'd give up my last breath so that you could breathe one more. Sai, you have to believe me. Trust me like I trust you, because I know you love me just like I love you."
"MO!" I screamed, awaking from my painless sleep.
If Mo was still here she'd shout to shut up so that she could make me breakfast. Then I would, and she'd get worried and run to me and grab me by the waist. Then she'd give me the doe-eyes and ask if I was OK. I'd laugh silently, and she'd hear me even though I made no sound. Then she'd kiss me. I'm rambling. Sorry.
My days pass slowly now. It's even easier than it was a week ago. Of course, I love her. Still. It doesn't feel like it's been a month since I last kissed her. But it has, it's been one month, a week, two days, and roughly 13 hours. I shouldn't be keeping count because she would say that I'm being pathetic, and that hurts even more. But it's almost like there's a database in my head with everything to do with her.
"AAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! MO! Mo-- I need you. Please. I thought I was coping. It's not working-- please-- Mo-- come back." I weeped into my hands for the first time in, well, my whole life.
Tears of pain, of anger, of sadness, of longing, of love, of happiness, all the tears that have hidden for the past 17 years all flowing out for the first time. As my sobs subsided, my throat felt raw and scratchy, my heart hurt, and I felt relief. I felt light. I felt like I was finally free. I was free.
Laughter bubbled in my throat, I let it out. Tears fell from my eyes as I laughed, but it didn't matter. The hurt was subsiding. The love remained, but the hurt was gone. I was ready to make a page for her in my scrapbook. She was just a memory now. Silently I begged for her forgiveness, but I stopped halfway through as my laughter felt more real. Emotions are strange, strange things, aren't they? I remember thinking, a smile plastered to my face.