Disclaimer: This is based on the characters in the Twilight series created by Stephenie Meyer.I'm just playing with them for fun.

Back, But Not Better Than Ever

As I vaguely considered whether or not I could give the shattered, tattered remains of my heart to Jacob, I saw something familiar lit up in the headlights of my truck. Parked on the street in front of my house was a silver Volvo.

"Edward!" I whispered exultantly. "He came back!"

Jacob flinched and pulled away from me, snarling under his breath. "Dammit, Bella! When are you going to get the hell over him! He's not coming back!"

"He did! That's his car!" I insisted, pointing at it with a trembling finger.

Jacob growled and rolled down the window, carefully sniffing the air. He smirked and shook his head. "Sorry, toots. There's no leeches around here."

I furrowed my brow in confusion. "That's his car, and he never lets anyone else drive it."

Jacob shook his head again, believing me to be delusional. "Well, there's two humans waiting inside your house. I can hear their heartbeats from here. Shall we?"

I got out of the car, shivering with nervousness and anticipation. No matter what Jacob said, I recognized the license plate on the Volvo. I knew it was his. Looking at the house, I saw the lights were on in the living room, even though there wasn't supposed to be anybody home. I rushed over to the front door and let myself inside, finding the door unlocked. Jacob was on my heels, ready to protect me from whomever or whatever we found.

As soon as I made it to the entrance of the living room, my eyes lit on the most beautiful sight for sore eyes. Both Edward and Alice were there waiting for me with shining eyes and open arms.

I ran forward straight into Edward's arms, ignoring the heat of Jacob's glare on my back.

"Oof!" Edward muttered as I collided with him. I wrapped my arms around him, yet gestured with one hand for Alice to join in our embrace, which she eagerly did.

"I missed you so much," I sobbed, resting my forehead on Edward's chest. It gradually began to dawn on me that he felt much warmer and softer than he had in the past, as did Alice.

"What the hell is going on here?" Jacob demanded, confused and jealous.

I pulled back to look into Edward's eyes and gasped in shock when I saw emerald green staring back at me instead of yellow.

Edward's gaze then shot over to Jacob, his eyebrows furrowing. "Who are you?"

"Jacob Black. Who are you?"

"Edward Cullen."

"That's impossible! You're human, not a bloodsucker!" Jacob angrily protested.

Edward's eyes widened. "I thought you didn't believe the legends."

"Yeah, well I do now," Jacob sneered, his limbs shaking slightly.

I quickly interrupted, hoping to give Jacob time to calm down. "How are you human? What happened?"

This is terrible! I thought, seeing how weak and sickly they both looked. Now they're just as vulnerable to Victoria as I am! Where is Carlisle? He needs to change them back to vampires as soon as possible, before she kills them!

Edward grinned down at me while Alice bounced in place. Together they pulled me over to the couch to explain, sitting on either side of me. Jacob flounced down into Charlie's chair in disgust.

"I'm so sorry for the way I broke up with you," Edward began.

Oh, crap, I don't want to talk about that right now! I don't want to break down again in front of them. I know you didn't want me. I felt myself starting to spiral back down as I realized the hope I was feeling was false. I didn't know why he was back, but it wasn't for me.

"I lied. I left to protect you from myself and my family. You were constantly in danger when you were with me, and I couldn't risk your soul by changing you into a monster like me. I always told you if I could change for you I would. I thought I would never be able to see you again, so I wanted to make you hate me. I said what I needed to for you to let me go, so you could move on and have a happy human life without me."

What? He lied? My thoughts stuttered, confused. What does he mean he lied?

"Are you fucking stupid?" Jacob interrupted, growling. "You broke her! She was catatonic for months! I've been doing my damnedest to win her heart and get her to move on, but she told me she's empty inside and has nothing left to give anyone else. I have some idea of the things you said, but only because she talks in her sleep during the nightmares she has every fucking night in which she relives that conversation. How the fuck could you tell her she wasn't good enough for you? She already had a shit self-esteem before she met you, and you fucking trashed what little she had!"

I hung my head in shame, not wanting them to know of my weakness. My pain wasn't their problem. They didn't want me. Jacob is only confirming how weak and unworthy I am.

Edward's eyes filled with tears, which overflowed and spilled down his cheeks. It was odd, seeing him crying for real. "Oh, Bella!" he sobbed, taking both my hands in his and squeezing them gently. "I didn't mean it that way! I never meant you to take my words to heart! Can you ever forgive me?"

"Um, sure, I guess. I mean, you came back, right?" I replied, somewhat hesitantly, still unsure as to why he was here. He wants me to forgive him for not wanting me? I can't blame him for that. I wouldn't want me either.

Jacob snorted. I shot him a look and urged, "Look, we can worry about that in a little bit. I still need to know what happened to you." Looking at him and Alice, I felt it must have been something truly horrendous, much worse than the things I'd been suffering.

Edward sniffled and nodded, pulling his hand away to wipe his face on his shirt sleeve. Eww, gross, I couldn't help thinking as he smeared away his snot and tears.

"I found myself in South America and happened upon a little old lady, a witch. She called me out as a vampire, and I shamefully admitted I was. Her thoughts were conducted in a language I didn't understand. She spoke a few words, and I fell to the ground burning. Six days later I awoke as a human, with the woman standing over me triumphantly," he explained.

What? That bitch! How dare she curse him like that and put him through so much pain! Now he's going to have to go through another three days of burning to restore himself to his former glory! I felt myself filling with righteous anger at the injustice my beloved had been dealt. I hope the rest of the family took her out before she could do any more damage! Oh, shit! She got Alice too! Poor Alice and Jasper! I wonder how many of them had to suffer before one of them finished her.

I nodded encouragingly to Edward, showing him my support. He grinned and continued, "I fell to my knees in front of her and thanked her profusely. She seemed taken aback, so I shared my story with her. I told her how I'd hated my existence, how I hunted animals so I wouldn't be a murderer as well as a monster. I explained how I'd fallen in love with a human girl and broke my own heart to leave her behind, so I wouldn't damn her to becoming a soulless being like myself. I praised her for restoring my soul and my humanity, thrilled I could now return to my love and marry you and give you all the things you deserve. We can grow old together, surrounded by our children and grandchildren."

I flinched. Marriage, growing old, children, and grandchildren? Sounds like a nightmare to me! Is he insane? Did the transformation eat away his thought processes, kill off his brain cells? Has he been brainwashed by the witch? Wait, did he really just say he deliberately left me while still loving me to prevent me from becoming a vampire like I wanted? He intentionally broke my heart and my sanity to force me to stay a weak, pathetic, vulnerable human? Did I hear that right?

Edward was too caught up in his story to notice my reaction, especially now he only had human senses. "I also explained to her how I'd been plagued with the ability to read the minds of everyone around me. I was delighted to no longer have that ability. I'm not haunted by a perfect memory anymore, so I don't recall all the little details of the past century. I just know the basics, the important stuff. It's such a relief not to have that kind of recall."

He's lost his gift too? I thought in horror. That must mean Alice has too! We're blind - sitting ducks! And he's happy about the loss of intelligence? He likes being slow and stupid? What the hell? I can't wait to get a vampire brain and be able to successfully consider a dozen things at the same time! What is wrong with him?! Doesn't he realize how much better it is to be a vampire than a human?

Edward continued, oblivious to my mounting horror. "I asked her if she'd be willing to share her gift with the rest of my family. She thought I was crazy at first, not wanting me to invite other vampires to be close to her."

Oh my God! He is insane! He deliberately brought this curse down on the rest of his family! How could he do that to them? I mentally whimpered. Looking over, I could see even Jacob thought the guy was insane, though probably not for the same reasons I did.

"I explained their histories, especially Rose's and Esme's, how much they regretted not being able to have children of their own. I told her about Carlisle, how he'd never drank from humans, how he discovered the ability to drink from animals instead, how he tried to convert others to his diet, and how he worked as a doctor to save as many human lives as possible. That's what sold her. She wanted to meet him, to try and understand how a vampire could have so much care and respect for human life. I called my family and told them what happened. They flew down to join me."

Poor Cullens! They walked right into the trap! I thought, able to picture it in my head. Jacob looked so confused. This was turning everything he thought he knew about vampires on its head.

"Jasper was suspicious. He hung back out of her sight, but close enough to listen to her. He tried to get Alice to stay back too, but she insisted on going."

Yes! Thank God one of them was smart enough to keep his distance! Obviously Jasper got the brains in the family. He's the only one with any sense! Please let him still be a vampire! Please let him have survived unscathed so he can fix all the others!

"Jasper used his gift to force the witch to confess she changed me out of maliciousness, meaning it to be a curse. She's changed other vampires before, human drinkers, and they hated her for it. She was blown away by my response, never having considered there were good vampires who didn't want to hurt anyone, as well as bad ones who enjoyed causing death and destruction. After meeting my family, especially Carlisle, she developed a new perspective. She said people who had pure hearts before they became vampires could retain their inner light, even after becoming creatures of darkness."

Yes, Carlisle is a pure soul. Anyone can see that. So, if she had a change of heart, why is poor Alice a human too? I wondered.

"The others all begged her to return them to their human states. Carlisle asked if he could wait a year before changing, just so he could take care of all of us while we relearned how to live as humans and make sure we were settled and stable before taking that step himself. He told me later Jasper reminded him this could be a trick and he'd need to save us if it was. Jasper also reminded him his enhanced skills were what saved so many lives human doctors couldn't and warned him he would lose most of his memories in the transformation. Apparently, Carlisle's aura showed he was a pure soul, so she granted his request."

Oh, my God, even knowing it was a curse, not a blessing, they still asked for her evil magic? Couldn't they tell by looking at Edward that it wasn't a good change? I thought. Did they all really hate their existence that much? Even Emmett? That doesn't make sense to me. This doesn't add up right. She must've brainwashed them somehow to make them think this was a good thing, when it clearly isn't.

"It's been an adjustment, learning how to be human again, but we've all enjoyed it tremendously, especially the sleeping and eating parts. We came back here to you as soon as we could," Edward concluded with a happy smile.

"So only Carlisle and Jasper are still vampires?" I asked, trying to make sure I understood the seriousness of the situation we were now facing.

He nodded and Alice said, "Yep!"

"Crap! This is bad!" I muttered, my thoughts racing.

"What?!" All three of the others in the room exclaimed at the same time.

I turned to Jacob and demanded, "Have you forgotten Victoria? She wants revenge against not only me, but the Cullens too, for killing James, remember? Now that they're human, they not only can't help take her out, but they're just as much in danger as I am!"

"Victoria?!" Edward and Alice yelped.

I paused, thinking of the red flame in the water. It suddenly occurred to me what it was.

"Oh shit!" I whimpered, looking over at Jacob. "She was in the water today! She almost got me!"

I realized he wasn't paying attention to me. He had finally met Alice's blue eyes when she looked his way, freaking out about Victoria and wondering what he knew. He was now staring at her as if she was the only thing in the world that mattered, the way Sam looked at Emily and Jared gazed at Kim.

He just imprinted on Alice! I thought, worried. What does that mean for Jasper? Isn't she his soul mate? Was her bond to Jasper broken when she became human again? I realized the hole in my chest had disappeared, the pain completely erased as if it had never been. Is it because he's here claiming to love me or because our bond is now broken? Doesn't he realize humans don't do forever the way supernatural beings do? Jacob's imprint on Alice has just proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

"Don't worry! The pack will protect you!" Jacob assured Alice, his focus completely on her, as hers was on him.

"The pack?" she asked, confused.

"We're werewolves, remember?" he reminded her with a grin.

"Werewolves?" Edward muttered, frustrated. He glared at me. "Really, Bella? The vampires leave town and you start hanging out with werewolves? Do you have a death wish?"

I hated his condescending tone and immediately bristled. "Actually, Edward, I would be dead if it weren't for the werewolves! Laurent already tried to eat me, and Victoria has been trying to get close to me for months now. She intends to torture me mercilessly. The wolves are the only reason Charlie and I are still alive and whole. So you can take your attitude and shove it where the sun don't shine, dipshit!"

I couldn't believe he had the nerve to lecture me, when he'd left me unprotected at the mercy of vengeful psychotic vampire.

"Bella!" he gasped. "Such language is unbecoming of a young lady!"

"Really, Edward?" I complained, my tone as condescending as his had been. "That's all you got out of that? Are you stupid now too? We're talking about life and death and torture, and all you can think about is a little foul language?"

Damn, I'd say the bond is broken. I'm not feeling the need to spare his feelings anymore. I realized. He's not the man I loved. He's an egotistical, self-righteous idiot!

"We need to go see Carlisle," Alice announced determinedly, standing up and heading toward the front door. Jacob jumped up to join her.

Edward scowled at me, pulling away, offended by my words. I rolled my eyes, thinking, I don't have time for his little temper tantrum. I ignored his behavior, following Jacob and Alice.

"Bella! Where are you going? I'm not finished with this little discussion," he demanded standing up and putting his hands on his hips.

"Well, I am. I need to warn Carlisle of the danger you're all in now and what's been happening in your absence," I informed him over my shoulder as I headed to the door.

I didn't feel the least bit dazzled by him anymore. He was cute, but no longer abnormally beautiful. He didn't take my breath away. He had zits and blemishes on his face, as well as little sprouts of peach fuzz on his chin and upper lip. His hair was slightly greasy and stuck up in odd little tufts here and there. Without the vampiric glamour, it no longer looked like something artfully arranged for a shampoo commercial. Instead, it looked just as chaotic as anyone else's bed head. The look no longer worked for him. He didn't resemble a hot, sexy model. He didn't take my breath away, his scent didn't draw me in the way it once did. If anything, I could tell he needed to use a little more deodorant and a little less cologne. He reminded me of Mike, Eric, and Tyler. He was no different than any of the other human boys who had never been able to capture my interest.

His hands were soft and clammy now. His eyes didn't smolder. Actually, they were just a bit closer together than one would generally deem attractive. He had lost the muscular definition of being a vampire and now strongly resembled a 98 pound weakling. I had a sudden glimpse of Edward in 1918 as a spoiled Mama's boy - the nerdy, privileged son of a lawyer, who studied hard and practiced the piano for hours every day, with foolish dreams of earning glory in a war that would end before he was even old enough to enlist. He was heart whole and a prude, not just because of the times in which he grew up, but because no girl he'd met as a socially awkward human had been enamored of him.

I shook away my negative impressions, telling myself, I'm just angry at the choices he made on my behalf without bothering to consult me – leaving for my safety, destroying any vestige of my self-esteem with harsh words to force me to let him go without a fight, becoming human, expecting me to want marriage and children.

I had been devastated, depressed, and hurt in all the months since he left, but I hadn't yet dealt with the anger, betrayal, and resentment I had a right to feel. I shouldn't be surprised it was rising up in me now, especially in light of his confession that all the harsh words he'd said to me were intentional lies.

So he hurt me for no reason. I hadn't blamed him when I thought he just lost interest. That I could understand. It was what I had always expected to happen to us eventually. Yet he broke up with me while still loving and wanting me. He deliberately set out to crush me, to send me spiraling into a crippling depression, out of some misguided belief it would be what was best for me. What the fuck? On what planet does that make sense? How can I handle that knowledge?

He returned, true, but in this lesser form that not only offers me no protection from the vicious vampire hellbent on revenge, but also no longer promises forever. No eternity, not even til death do us part. Why would I, should I ever trust a human with my heart?

I had borne witness to what happened with Charlie and Renee. I knew the story of Sam, Emily, and Leah. Human love, no matter how strong, was pitifully weak in the face of supernatural bonds. Otherwise Sam would've chosen to be Emily's brother and best friend when he imprinted on her, while remaining faithful to Leah. It's what Emily wanted, what she begged of him. Instead, he dropped Leah like yesterday's news, the same way Jacob is now hanging onto Alice's every breath without sparing me, his former infatuation, a single thought.

Supernatural devotion is powerful and everlasting. Supernatural soul mates can't and won't cheat on one another or deliberately hurt one another. I had seen the love between Sam and Emily after the bond took hold. Never again would he risk injuring her, even by accident. I'd seen Jared and Kim, Carlisle and Esme, Rosalie and Emmett. No matter what, mates never get bored with one another, never decide the other isn't worth it and just walk away.

I froze for a minute, overwhelmed with my epiphany. If I had been a vampire, Edward couldn't and wouldn't have walked away. He could only do it because I was human. I had accepted the supernatural bond between us, but he hadn't.

Emily hadn't been locked in to Sam until she accepted the imprint after he accidentally injured her. Before that, she could have walked away. It would have devastated him, but she could have gone on to love another. He would've been hurt, but would've eventually moved on once Emily broke the imprint.

Edward had never accepted our bond. He'd constantly fought against it, knowing it meant I'd become a vampire. That's why he was able to walk away and why I'd been devastated. Once Edward became human and chose to stay that way, the supernatural bond between us was completely severed.

I could feel the lack of bond deep within myself where the hole used to be. Even if I entered into a relationship with Edward now, even if we chose to bond ourselves together as two humans, there was no guarantee we would work. We could grow apart, get bored with one another, find others who were better suited. Upon reflection, we had very little in common. We didn't share the same interests or values. As humans, our relationship was doomed before it even began. I wasn't attracted to his weak, sweaty human body, so we didn't even have the luxury of lust to pull us together.

He'd already proven he'd run away when the going got tough. First with James and again after my birthday. I didn't trust him not to leave again. In fact, I was willing to put money on that being his first response to this situation with Victoria, now that he knew about it. He was a coward, plain and simple. All the angst I'd suffered the past few months seemed like such a waste of my time and energy.

Edward glared at me from the side of his Volvo as I made my way to my truck. "Where are you going? I'm driving!"

I smiled to myself at his attitude. "Yes, you are, but so am I. I'm not getting stranded at your house, Edward. I will drive myself and leave when I'm ready."

Jacob whimpered as he looked back and forth between Alice and me. He felt like he ought to go with me, but the imprint made him unwilling to leave Alice's side.

"You go ahead and ride with them, Jake," I told him. "It's cool."

"It's not safe for you to ride alone," Edward insisted. "What if Victoria comes?"

I chuckled and lifted an eyebrow. "What are you going to do about it if she does? It'll be safer for us to be in separate cars. She can't take us both out at the same time, which means at least one of us can go for help."

He furrowed his brows, unable to argue with my logic. I shrugged and got into my truck, firing up the engine and backing out of the driveway, not waiting for a reply. I saw the three of them scramble into the Volvo and shoot off after me. I could see Edward's angry face in my rear view mirror and smirked to myself.

He and his volatile emotions no longer had any power over me. Whether he stayed or left again had no bearing on my future, because my future no longer included him in it. I knew he would leave eventually anyway, so I had no intention of opening myself up to be hurt by him again.

I reflected on my feelings during the drive and made peace with myself and the past.

xxxxxxx

AN: Just to be clear - the first half a dozen chapters are not meant to be taken seriously and are deliberately written with TV sitcom/parody style exaggeration of personality traits and character flaws. Yes, I'm aware this type of humor is somewhat juvenile and not typically found in serious stories. I assure you there *is* a real story with a complex plot hidden behind the initial slapstick of the first six chapters for anyone who chooses to continue reading. I admit there are also a few additional slapstick scenes included in later chapters as comic relief.

Honestly, this is the result of two completely different story ideas blended into one story. The first idea is based upon my belief that if Edward had ever succeeded in changing back into a human like he wished, then Bella probably wouldn't have wanted him anymore. He wouldn't have been able to 'dazzle' her into getting his way all the time, and she wouldn't have been so blind to his faults. Without the supernatural soul mate bond holding them together, they didn't have much in common. In my mind, this idea of her breaking up with him for becoming human was always meant to be written with a parody style of humor.

The second idea was a complex plot bunny involving a nefarious witch's curse and the effects it had on vampires and their community. This was meant to be a serious story, with mystery, intrigue, and character growth. Blending the two story ideas together has created an odd combination, but I think if you give it a chance, you'll be pleasantly surprised. The slapstick is really only a small portion of the total story.