March 18th, 2002
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This fanfiction is dedicated to my dear friend Trig for helping me amazingly with this fic. She came up with a major part of the idea, so thanks Trig!
Set during Season Five when D and C are trying to have a baby. No Ricky Abbott. Doug doesn't leave.
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Carol awoke from her sleep, unsure why she had waken. Probably just because my mind's not been able to settle down all night, Carol thought. She sighed and studied Doug's face in the darkness. They were lying about a foot apart from each other, facing each other, as they slept. She lifted her head off the pillow for a moment to glance at the clock. 2 AM it read. She lay her head back on the pillow and rolled onto her back. She had only slept for an hour.
Lately she had been having trouble sleeping because she was unable to get pregnant. All she knew was that she needed to get to sleep. They both had to be up and working tomorrow. She knew that no matter how much she wished, people would recognize the dark circles under her eyes and wonder why she wasn't sleeping. Carol closed her eyes, trying to force herself to sleep.
After a half hour, she gave up and opened her eyes to stare at the ceiling, hoping maybe her eyes would simply burn out and she could fall into sleep. She waited another half hour and it still didn't work. Slowly she eased out of bed, careful not to wake Doug, and headed down the hall to fix herself a warm glass of milk, hoping maybe that would help. She flicked on the light as she entered the kitchen and she reached into a cupboard and grabbed a glass. Then she moved to the refrigerator and opened it up to take out the milk gallon. She quickly poured her some and put it back. Then she walked to the microwave and placed the glass inside. She turned it on and leaned against the counter to wait.
When she heard the noise behind her she turned to see Doug padding into the kitchen, scratching the back of his head and squinting against the light she had turned on.
"What're you doin'?" He asked, his voice gruff with sleep. She smiled a bit, still not being able to believe they were sharing their lives together in this way. She never would have thought she could actually be happy with Doug.
"I couldn't sleep, so I'm fixin' myself a glass of milk." She replied softly and studied the handsome lines of his face. He nodded and walked to her, caught her hand and pulled her into his arms. She snuggled against him even as the microwave beeped. He buried his sleepy face into her shoulder.
"Come back to bed." He said and ran a hand over her back.
"I should get my milk first." She replied. He nodded and released her. She got her milk out and took a sip, to test the heat. Satisfied, she took a bigger drink.
"Does that stuff really do the trick?" He asked. She shook her head.
"Not really, but I figure it can't hurt." She said. He smiled and took the glass from her. He placed it in the sink after dumping it out and walked back to her.
"Why can't you sleep?" He asked as he took her hand and led her down the hall. She sighed and leaned into him.
"I don't know." She replied, lying slightly. They both knew why she couldn't get to sleep. "My mind won't shut off." She said. He nodded as they walked into the bedroom.
"Well...Let's see if I can exhaust you into sleep." He said and pulled her into his arms again. She laughed as he began to kiss her neck. She wrapped her arms around him and grinned.
"Why don't we see."
|-----oo-----|
"Doug?" Carol asked the next morning as they ate a hurried breakfast in the kitchen.
"Yeah?" He asked.
"I have a doctor's appointment tonight." She said. He looked at her. This was news to him.
"Why?" He asked. She sighed and placed her mug on the counter.
"I got an appointment with my gynecologist to see what's wrong with me." She said.
"Carol." Doug said. She held up a hand.
"I know you said we should wait until at least the sixth month. But..I can't." Carol said, all of her worry and sorrow showing plainly in her eyes. He sighed and walked to her, taking her hands into his own.
"What time is it?" He asked. She looked down for a moment.
"At five. I get off at four." She said. He nodded.
"I'll tell Kerry that I have to leave too and I'll go with you." He said. She smiled softly.
"Thank you." She replied, relieved. He nodded and pulled her into his arms, hoping to comfort her.
|-----oo-----|
"Okay," Dr. MacLucas said as she entered the room where Doug and Carol were waiting. Carol was lying on the plastic bed as she had been instructed. Doug was sitting beside her, holding her hand. "What are you here for Carol?" Dr. MacLucas asked, knowing that it had only been three months since their last normal check-up. And normally men didn't come to just get a normal check-up. Carol sighed.
"We're trying to have a baby." She said.
"Oh. How long have you been trying?" MacLucas asked.
"Between two and three months." Carol replied.
"I told her we shouldn't worry for a few more months, but she wanted to come." Doug said. Dr. MacLucas nodded.
"Well, I'm sure everything's fine. I just saw you three months ago and everything was good, but we'll check to see." She replied. Carol and Doug both nodded. They sat silently through the entire examination. Doug felt slightly awkward. Guys weren't supposed to be at the these type of...things, he thought. But Carol had wanted him here, so he was here. Plus he wanted to be here just in case MacLucas found anything, even though he doubted she would. Finally after a few moments, Dr. MacLucas sat back. She snapped off her latex gloves and threw them into the trashcan. She looked at Carol.
"Everything checks out. Sometimes these things just take time." She said. Carol sighed and nodded. Doug felt relief spill through him despite the fact that he had figured this would be the outcome. "Now, as your gynecologist, I should know these things, but just in case, I'm going to ask anyway." Carol nodded, suddenly nervous.
"Have you ever had a STD?" Dr. MacLucas asked. Carol shook her head.
"No." She replied.
"Have you ever had a miscarriage? Have you ever done drugs?" Carol shook her head twice more and replied negatively. "Have you ever had an abortion?" Carol's throat constricted and she froze. "Because sometimes these things do matter, although very rarely." Dr. MacLucas said. Carol swallowed and shook her head slowly and felt her palms begin to sweat. Dr. MacLucas sat back, clearly not noticing anything was amiss.
"Alright then." She shrugged. "You'll just have to be patient. It takes time and don't give up hope." Dr. MacLucas said. Carol nodded, trying to get something out of her pasty mouth.
"Thank you." Finally slipped through and she swallowed as if the words left a bad taste in her mouth. Dr. MacLucas nodded.
"No problem. Make another appointment if you need to discuss something or have any more problems. But wait until you've been trying for at least six months before you start to really worry." Dr. MacLucas said. Carol nodded as the doctor left the room.
"You okay?" Doug asked, having noticed Carol's pale face. She nodded.
"Yeah. I uh, I'm fine." She replied and turned away from him, not wanting him to see her face.
|-----oo-----|
Later, when they finally reached the house, Doug couldn't stand it anymore. As soon as the front door was shut behind them, he turned to her.
"What's the matter, Carol?" He asked. She looked at him and didn't reply. "Something's wrong. Talk to me." He said, urgently. She shrugged out of her coat and hung it up on the rack. She slid out of her shoes and headed to the kitchen.
"I'm just...I was sort of hoping something was wrong so that I'd at least know why I couldn't conceive." She lied. Doug sighed.
"Carol, MacLucas said it takes time. And patience. I know you want a baby now, but...sometimes these things don't work out as planned." He said.
"I know that." She replied as she poured herself a glass of water for her parched mouth. He sighed.
"Then why are you upset? Things will be okay." He said. She took a drink and then sighed. She placed the glass back onto the counter.
"I've been lying. To you....To everyone." She said.
"What?" He asked, shocked by this turn in conversation. "About what?"
"Me." She replied.
"What about you?" He asked.
"I lied to Dr. MacLucas when she was asking me questions." Carol said.
"What? About..About the STD's and drugs and miscarriages?" He asked. Carol swallowed and looked at Doug, wide-eyed.
"Yeah." She whispered.
"Did you every do drugs?" Doug asked, realizing he hadn't known her when she was younger. Carol shook her head. "You've had a miscarriage?" He whispered back. Tears filled Carol's eyes, so she shut them. She shook her head.
"No." She whispered. He didn't believe she could ever have an abortion. She couldn't kill a child.
"You've had an STD? You have one?" He asked, shock filling his voice, as he thought maybe she lied to him. She laughed a bit, tears still choking her up.
"God no." She said.
"Then what?" He asked. She sighed and opened her eyes to focus on him.
"I had an abortion." She whispered. He simply stared at her, not believing any of this that she was telling him. He backed away from her for a moment.
"You had an abortion." He whispered. She nodded, tears streaming down her face. "When?" He asked, still in shock. Her lip quivered but she met his gaze.
"About six years ago." She replied quietly. He mentally counted in his head.
"When you were dating Tag?" He asked. She nodded.
"Yes, but..." She sobbed a bit and turned away from Doug to press herself against the counter. She covered her mouth with her hand and stood there for a moment, trying to gather herself together. Finally after a few moments she turned back to Doug. "It was then, but I wasn't pregnant with his baby." She replied.
"I don't understand." Doug murmured, his voice hard and cool. She stared at him, realizing she was losing him.
"It was right after Tag and I started dating. We had only been dating for about two months, but I had not been intimate with him." Carol said.
"Then whose...whose, baby was it?" Doug asked, his voice hoarse as realization began setting in. He had made love to Carol a few months after she and Tag had started dating. It was the last time they had slept together since before they got back together.
Carol looked at him, tears streaming down her face.
"Doug.." She murmured. He stepped back and turned away from her. He rubbed his cheek with his hand as she confirmed what he had began to understand.
"It was mine, wasn't it?" He asked and turned around to face her. She walked toward him but he stepped back, away from her. "Wasn't it?" He asked. Carol nodded slowly.
"Yes." She whispered. Indescribable hurt settled all over him and it showed plainly on his face.
"I can't believe you could kill our child." He said softly, coolly. She walked toward him once more but he maneuvered away. Hurt flashed across her face, but she knew that it wasn't even close to the hurt he felt.
"Things were different then, Doug." Carol said.
"I don't care." He said. "I don't care!" He yelled and turned away from her. He buried his face into both of his hands. "I can't believe you could kill a baby. Kill our baby." He stressed.
"What was I supposed to do, Doug? You weren't around!" She yelled, tears still coming rapidly. "You didn't love me enough to even get close to me. I was dating someone else! How was I supposed to keep that child?" She asked him, sobbing. He turned on her.
"What we had was special, even back then!" He screamed back, anger, hurt, sadness, and guilt all spewing from him. "So don't you turn what you did on me! I had nothing to do with what you did."
"You had everything to do with it! Why do you think I did it? Why do you think I tried to kill myself?" Carol yelled.
"Don't you turn that on me, ever again." Doug said softly, his voice icy. "I was an asshole. I was the biggest fucking jerk on the planet back then, but I did not drive you to do that to yourself or to our child." He said. "I may be the reason you did it, but it was not my fault." He said and walked towards the door. It had taken him years to come to that conclusion and he was not about to give that up because she decided to lay blame on him after all the shit they had been through. He picked up his coat and slid into it. "I can't see your face right now. I don't know if I'll be able to look at you the same ever again." He said and turned to slam out of the house. She watched him go and felt a huge, mass rush of emotions running through her. She couldn't breath.
Carol collapsed onto the couch and began to sob her heart out. Nobody had ever hurt her so much in her life, except she knew that all of it was her own doing. She was such a horrible person. How would she ever live with herself, if not even Doug could live with her and forgive her?
|-----oo-----|
The next day Carol walked slowly into the ER. She had finally fallen asleep at five o'clock in the morning, only to have her alarm go off at six. She had dark circles under her eyes and she looked like shit. The make-up she had attempted to use hadn't worked and she didn't really care. All she wanted to do was get through the next couple of days without dying.
As she hung her things up in her locker in the lounge, she wondered if Doug was there. She knew he was on at the same time as she was and wondered if he was there yet. She closed her locker for a moment and looked toward the coffee. She should probably have a cup, considering she hadn't slept all night, but ever since she had began trying to get pregnant, she had stopped drinking it, just in case. Even though now she thought it was probably a lost cause, she still didn't get a mug. Instead she walked out of the lounge.
As she headed to the admit desk to find out if anything was going on, Mark turned to her and smiled. She nodded, not even bothering to smile in return. Knowing the state of her face, she knew nobody would believe things were okay, even if she acted her best. As Mark saw her face, his smile faded.
"You okay, Carol?" He asked. She shook her head but didn't offer an explanation.
"Is Doug here?" She asked. Mark gave her a surprised look.
"Uh, no, he called in sick today. Didn't he tell you?" Mark asked. Carol forced a smile.
"No, he didn't." She said and then picked up a chart to go find a patient to prep for a doctor. Mark watched her walk away, sudden worry filling him. What was wrong with Carol? Why didn't she know Doug had called in sick? Were they fighting? Dozens of questions ran through Mark's mind, but he merely let Carol walk away, thinking he'd ask her about it later.
|-----oo-----|
Later that afternoon Mark walked into the lounge to take a break. He found Carol lying on the couch, trying to sleep.
"Carol." He said. She opened her eyes.
"Hey." She murmured.
"What're you doin'?" He asked.
"Tryin' to catch some sleep." She said and sat up. "I know I shouldn't be sleeping at work, but I didn't get much sleep last night."
"Yeah, I could tell." He said and forgot about his coffee. "Everything okay?" She shook her head.
"Do you think everything's okay?" She asked. He shrugged and sat beside her.
"Well, I could tell it isn't, but it's up to you if you want to tell me about it." He said. Carol buried her face into her hands and sighed.
"I blew it." She said.
"What?" He asked.
"Everything. Doug. I.." She paused and turned to look at Mark. "I think he left me. For good." She said.
"What? Why?" Mark asked, shocked. He knew how much Doug cared for Carol.
"I told him something...That I should have told him a long time ago, but I...Well..He walked out on me and uh, said he didn't want to see my face, not now or for awhile." Carol said and tears filled her eyes. She merely stared down at the coffee table in front of her.
"I'm sure he didn't mean it." Mark said. Carol smiled ironically.
"Oh, I'm sure he did, Mark. I hurt him so bad, Mark. It's not even...I never forgave myself and I don't expect him to." Carol said. Mark was clueless but he knew he shouldn't pry. Carol looked at him, knowing he'd be lost in the dark. "I uh...Well...About six years ago, right after I started dating Tag, I slept with Doug." Carol said. Mark nodded, a bit shocked that Carol had cheated on Tag after all those times Doug had cheated on her, but he didn't say anything. "Well, soon after that I found out I was pregnant. I hadn't been intimate with Tag...Or with anyone but Doug since, well, since way before that." Carol paused and smiled sadly as a tear dripped down her cheek. "I couldn't handle everything...I couldn't deal with having a child. So.." Carol looked at Mark. "I had an abortion. I killed Doug's baby." She said. Mark didn't say anything, merely sat there and watched her in surprise. "And now, well, Doug and I are trying for a baby. Yesterday we went to the doctor to see if anything was wrong since we haven't conceived yet. She asked me if I'd ever had an abortion before and I said no. When I got home I told Doug that I had and he...uh, he said what he said and left." Carol said. She stood up and walked to the window, needing to move.
"What I did to him was inexcusable. I should have told him back then that I was pregnant. I should have told him sooner about the abortion. But I didn't..I waited until he trusted me, until he loved me to tell him and I broke all those trusts and promises. I'm a horrible person, Mark." Carol said as tears made trails down her cheeks. Mark sighed and stood.
"I think Doug will get over it." Mark said quietly. "It might take him a few days but I think he'll understand and come back to you. He loves you too much, Carol." Mark said. Carol shook her head.
"No, Mark, he doesn't love me. Not anymore. How can you love someone when they killed your child?" She asked and turned to him. "I don't expect him to forgive me, or love me ever again. But how can...how can I live without him?" She asked and broke down into sobs. Mark walked to her and wrapped her in his arms.
"I'll try and talk to him. See if I can knock some sense into him." Carol shook her head as she cried.
"It doesn't matter...It..won't work." She said.
"Well, I'll give it a try anyway." Mark said.
|-----oo-----|
Later that night as Carol got off work, she walked into the house, exhausted. She was going to go straight to bed and sleep, no matter what. She would make her mind shut off. As she headed into the kitchen, she suddenly froze. Things were out of place, in a disarray. She looked around, her heart thudding hard in her chest. Suddenly she spotted the note on the coffee table, weighed down but a stray glass. She walked slowly to the note, her hands shaking. She reached down and picked it up and unfolded the single crease to find Doug's writing staring back up at her.
Carol
I can't find it in myself to forgive you for what you did. I don't think I can bare to be near you for a long time and even then I'll know what you did. I really did love you, but it's hard to forgive someone, to live with someone when you find out that that person has killed your child. I moved all my things out, so you don't have to worry about them. I hope you have a nice life.
Doug
Carol simply stared down at the note for minutes, trying to process his words in her muddled brain. When realization finally set in, that he had left her, that he no longer loved her, that he hated her, she fell to the floor and began to sob, clutching the note to her chest.
|-----oo-----|
The next day Carol called off sick to work, knowing she would never be able to work on just one hour of sleep in the past forty-eight hours or so. Mark sighed as she called off, placing the phone back into the receiver. She didn't sound good, he thought. Maybe I should check on her later and he decided he would do that after he got off work.
Just as he hung up the phone the emergency room doors swung open and Doug entered the hospital. Mark immediately went to him and took his arm.
"We need to talk. On the roof." Mark said and dragged Doug toward the elevators. Doug sighed, already knowing what this was about, and he could barely believe that Carol had told Mark everything after it had taken her years to tell him. When they made it to the roof, Mark turned to Doug.
"You're a bastard, you know that?" Mark asked. Doug sighed.
"God damnit, Mark, this is none of your business!" Doug replied angrily.
"You make it my business when you call off work sick and your girlfriend comes to work, sick over what you did." Mark said.
"And don't you think it makes me sick knowing what she did? I couldn't stay with her after that! She killed my baby!" Doug said.
"Under the circumstances, can you blame her? You were a jerk back then, Doug, what was she supposed to do?" Mark yelled back.
"Killing my child shouldn't have been an option!" Doug said. Mark sighed.
"You should talk to her." Mark said. Doug shook his head.
"No. I moved my stuff out yesterday and I found myself an apartment." Doug said.
"You did what?" Mark asked loudly.
"It's over, Mark. I cannot stay with a woman who has lied to me all this time. Who killed my baby because she didn't know what to do about it." Doug said. Mark stepped away from him.
"I can't believe I know you, Doug. You're making a huge mistake, here. You're going to make her sick. She already called off work today." Mark said. Doug shrugged.
"I dealt with it, now it's her turn to deal with what she did." Doug said. Mark shook his head, amazed.
"I can't believe how cold-hearted you are being." Mark said.
"And you don't think it's cold-hearted that she murdered our child? Would you be so kind if Jen had killed Rachel?" Doug asked.
"That's a different story." Mark said.
"How?" Doug asked.
"Because Jen and I weren't right for each other anyway. You love Carol. No matter how much you say you don't, you know that you do. You can't just blow her off, can't change your entire life, your entire future because of something stupid she did six years ago. If that was the case then she'd never have taken you back after what you did to her! But she did!" Mark exclaimed.
"Yeah, well, I never murdered anyone." Doug said coldly and turned, leaving the roof. Mark watched him go, not believing a word that had just come from Doug's mouth.
|-----oo-----|
Later that night, after Mark's shift ended, he knocked on Carol's front door. Within moments she came to the door, wrapped in a blanket.
"Oh, hey Mark." She said as she opened the door. He smiled, knowing she had been expecting someone else, someone by the name of Doug. "C'mon in." He walked into the house and followed her into the living room. She sat on the couch, in front of the TV where she had been when he knocked. "I was just watching a little bit of some talk shows." She said and motioned toward the television. He nodded.
"How are you?" He asked. She smiled.
"Not so good." She replied.
"Sleep any?" He asked. She nodded.
"Actually I did. Only because my eyes wouldn't stay open a second longer." She replied. Mark nodded. "But I only slept for a few hours. I've been here ever since." She said, meaning the couch.
"Can't blame you." He said. Carol nodded and looked at him.
"Was he there?" She asked. Mark nodded.
"Yeah, I talked to him this morning." Mark said. Carol looked at him, the look on her face clearing stating 'and?' "Well, uh, he was pretty upset. He got pissed at me." Mark said. Carol nodded.
"Did he say where he is staying?" She asked. Mark shook his head.
"No, but he did say that he found himself a new apartment." Mark said softly. Carol hung her head.
"He doesn't love me anymore." She whispered. Mark shook his head adamantly.
"Yes, he does. He just needs to work through his feelings over this." Carol shook her head.
"No, he told me he doesn't love me." She said and reached over to get the crumpled piece of paper which Doug had written her note on. She handed it to Mark for him to read. He read it and then sighed.
"Carol, he just needs time." She shook her head.
"I blew it. I ruined things. I'll just have to accept that and move on." Carol said.
"And ruin your entire future for it?"
"It's not my choice. If I could, I'd take everything back. I'd make him love me still, but I can't do that, Mark. I don't have those powers." She said.
"You should talk to him." Mark suggested. Carol smiled slightly.
"From the looks of things, he isn't going to come near me for awhile." She said sadly.
"Make him talk to you." Mark said.
"Yeah, that'll make him much happier." Carol said. Mark sighed.
"Carol, he's the one." Carol smiled.
"I know, but how many people truly find that person and live happily ever after?" She asked. "Very few."
"But you could be one of them. Should be one of them! The hardest part is finding that person, and you did. Now you have to find a way to keep him."
"How? I'm open to suggestions within reason." Carol said. Mark sighed.
"Just talk to him." Mark said.
"I wish I could, but he won't let me. I know it, Mark, I know him." Carol said. Mark nodded.
"Just try." He said and stood. "You'll be okay, right?" He asked. Carol nodded.
"Yeah, I'll see you at work tomorrow." She said and stood. He nodded.
"Don't forget what I said."
|-----oo-----|
The next day Carol went to work, keeping Mark's thoughts in mind. She knew she had to talk to Doug sometime, but she didn't figure it would be today. There was no way he would talk to her now, or for awhile. And she knew that because she knew him. She had broken his trust and hurt him when he had put faith in her. And she had lied.
Carol didn't see Doug around, so she went to the admit desk, figuring he wasn't there yet. She smiled at the nurses and picked up a chart, just as Mark returned to the desk.
"Hey." She said. He smiled sadly.
"You just get here?" Mark asked. Carol nodded.
"Yeah, few minutes ago. Is he here?" Carol asked, just to be sure. Mark nodded.
"Yeah, he is."
"Oh." Carol said in surprise.
"He's working on a kid with a broken arm right now." Mark said. Carol nodded. "You should talk to him."
"I will. Just not now..Not when he has a patient." Carol said. Mark sighed.
"Fine." He said and walked off.
|-----oo-----|
It was a little more than an hour before Carol finally saw Doug. He was in the pedes room, talking to a mother of a boy who was sitting in a wheelchair. Doug glanced Carol's way just as she walked by, but as soon as his eyes met hers he looked away and continued talking as if he had never seen her. Carol paused outside but she continued walking to tend to her own patient.
Five minutes later Carol headed back to the pedes room to tell Doug that a trauma had arrived. Just as she got there he was showing the mother out of the room as she pushed the wheelchair. Doug ignored Carol. Once they mother and son had left, Doug headed back into the pedes room. Carol followed.
"Doug." She said. He ignored her still. "We have a trauma coming in. MVA. There's a kid." She said. He nodded.
"ETA?" He asked.
"Four minutes." Carol replied.
"I'll be out." He said, fully intending for her to leave. She didn't.
"Doug, we need to talk." She said.
"About what?" He asked.
"I think you know." Carol said.
"There's nothing to discuss." Doug said.
"Yes, there is." Doug turned to her, finally looking at her.
"No, there isn't. Is that clear?" Doug asked, meeting her gaze for a few short seconds, then he stormed out of the room. Carol's shoulders slumped in defeat and she waited, need a moment to recover from his iciness.
|-----oo-----|
"I tried talking to him." Carol said softly, later that afternoon as she and Mark sat in the lounge. He looked at her in surprise, thinking she wouldn't have done it this soon.
"What happened?" Mark asked.
"It was before the MVA with the little boy and we were alone in the pedes room. I said we needed to talk and he said there was nothing to discuss and he left." Carol replied.
"You need to try again. Maybe wait a few days." Mark said. Carol sighed.
"I know. I will." She replied.
|-----oo-----|
The next morning Carol came into work, intending to entirely avoid Doug all day to let him have some space. Her plans were upset as she walked into the lounge to hang up her things and he was inside, drinking coffee. She walked silently to her locker before she turned to him, deciding now was a good time, considering they were alone.
"Doug, we need to talk."
"I told you yesterday there's nothing to talk about." Doug said.
"Yes, there is. You know there is." Carol said.
"What would you like to talk about? Huh? How you killed our baby and you never told me?" Doug asked, his voice quiet and angry. "Well, I don't wanna hear it!" Doug yelled and stormed out of the lounge. Carol took a moment to recover before she walked out herself, only to find everyone staring at her, apparently having heard Doug scream at her. Carol averted her gaze and walked down the hall to escape.
"You okay?" Carol heard as she walked. She stopped and turned to see Mark staring at her.
"You heard?" She asked. He nodded.
"Yeah. Everybody did." He said. Carol hung her head.
"I tried." She said.
"Give it some time. He's apparently not ready to discuss it yet." Mark said. Carol snorted.
"No kidding." She said and walked away. Mark watched her go, more sadness filling him for his two friends.
|-----oo-----|
A week later things still hadn't changed between Doug and Carol. He was still ignoring her and only talked to her when it had something to do with a patient. And he usually tried to have a different nurse in the room with him during his pedes cases.
Carol, Doug, Mark, and some others were working on a little girl who had fallen off the swings at school and hit her head. She was barely conscious and hardly aware of what was going on around her.
Doug was rattling off things he needed as Carol raced around to get them. Earlier that day Carol had been feeling somewhat nauseous and dizzy and now the constant movement was triggering worse feelings. Carol handed Doug the last thing he had asked for, before she bent at the waist and placed her hands on her knees.
"You okay, Carol?" Mark asked, suddenly noticing the pale color of her face. She shook her head.
"I'm going to be sick." She said and staggered back a bit.
"Get her a basin." Mark ordered quickly as Doug glanced over his shoulder hurriedly, before turning back to the patient as if he didn't care. Immediately Haleh found a basin and passed it to Carol. She vomited into it. When she was finished she leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, holding the basin below her as she leaned forward.
"Carol.." Haleh said as she leaned over her. Carol held up a hand.
"Just give me a minute." She said.
"Are you going to be sick again?" Haleh asked. Carol shook her head and handed the basin to Haleh when she reached for it. Haleh washed the basin out and set it aside before bending back down to Carol. "You okay?" Carol shook her head.
"Can you help me out of here?" She asked. Haleh nodded and helped Carol to her feet. Carol groaned and stopped as her head rolled and her stomach pitched. "Oh man." She said.
"Are you going to be sick again?" Haleh asked, leaning Carol toward the sink. Carol swallowed and shook her sweating head.
"No, just get me out of here." Carol said. Haleh helped Carol out of the room. Mark watched them go before looking at Doug to judge his reaction. Doug clenched his jaw once and continued working as if nothing had happened. Mark rolled his eyes and worried about Carol for Doug.
|-----oo-----|
Carol lie in the lounge after her episode in the trauma. After Mark was finished he came into the lounge to check on her.
"How you doin'?" He asked. She smiled a bit.
"I'm better now. I must be coming down with something." She said. Mark nodded.
"You need to go home." He said. Carol shook her head.
"I'll be fine." She said. He shook his head.
"No, don't argue with me. You're going home. I'll take you."
"Is your shift over?" She asked. He nodded.
"Yes, actually an hour ago. But I was here getting caught up on paperwork when they came in." He said. She sighed.
"Fine." She replied and rolled her eyes.
"Good." Mark said with a smile.
|-----oo-----|
The next day when Carol arrived at work at 11 AM, Mark immediately went to her.
"What are you doing here? Do you feel better?" He asked. She nodded.
"I'm fine, Mark. I could have stayed last night. I was fine as soon as I stepped inside."
"Are you sure? You can take off if you need to." Mark said. Carol rolled her eyes.
"I said I'm fine." She replied. He sighed.
"If you say so. But if you get sick once today, I'm sending you home." He said.
"Fine." She answered and walked away.
|-----oo-----|
Less than an hour later, Carol stood at the admit desk, working on a chart. Mark walked up behind her just as she paused and raised a hand to her forehead as she became dizzy.
"Oh shit." Carol muttered and groped around for the chair. She sank into it and leaned forward, trying to get her head between her knees. Mark sighed.
"Carol." He said and walked closer to her.
"Go away, Mark. I don't want to go home." She said. He sighed.
"Well that's exactly where you are going." He replied.
"You can't take me. You're working." She said. He nodded.
"Oh yes I can. I have a lunch break, you know." She sighed.
"I hate you." He chuckled and helped her from the chair.
"I don't care. You're sick and you're not coming to work tomorrow."
"Fine."
"You've been saying that to me a lot lately." Mark said and chuckled as he led Carol into the lounge. A few moments later Doug walked up to the admit desk just as Carol and Mark walked out of the lounge and out the doors. Doug watched them.
"Where are they going?" He asked aloud, not thinking anyone was listening.
"Carol's sick. Mark's taking her home." Haleh said, giving Doug a dirty look. He merely walked away, too exhausted to come up with a comeback. And despite the fact that he didn't want to be, he was worried about Carol and that pissed him off.
|-----oo-----|
The next day Carol didn't come to work as Mark directed. Partly because she was still nauseous and dizzy half the time and partly because she was hurt by the way Doug was still treating her and she felt the need to get away from it all and just sleep.
Carol awoke at five in the afternoon from her second nap that day and sighed as she got up to relieve her bladder. As she headed into the bathroom it dawned on her that she was supposed to have started her period the day before. She swallowed as she sat on the toilet, half expecting for her period to have started, but it hadn't.
Carol didn't want to get her hopes up, but it explained why she had been sick. Besides, now she had Doug's feelings to worry about. Would he even want her child anymore? Probably not, she thought as she washed her hands. So it was best not to get her hopes up.
|-----oo-----|
The next day Carol went to work. She hadn't had a dizzy spell yet that day nor had she felt nauseous.
"How are you feeling?" Haleh asked as Carol walked into the lounge that morning. Carol smiled slightly and hung her jacket up into her locker.
"Much better. I think I just had a touch of the flu." Carol lied. She had a feeling she was pregnant. She showed all the signs and she knew herself well enough to know that she hadn't been two days late for her period in years. She was as regular as clockwork, she thought and immediately thought of Doug when they had had the first pregnancy scare.
"That's good." Haleh said and took a sip of her coffee. Carol stared at it enviously for a moment but was glad she had kept her promise to herself not to drink any, because now she thought she was pregnant. The last thing she wanted to do was harm her child. Mark walked into the lounge and smiled at Carol.
"Hey there, how ya feeling?" He asked. She smiled slightly.
"I'm good and now I'm going to go write it on the board out there so everyone knows I'm a-okay." She said. Mark chuckled as he poured himself some coffee. Carol sighed. Did they all have to tempt her with that? Too bad they didn't have any de-caffienated at work, she thought. "I'm going to get some work." Carol said and headed out, needing to get away from all the coffee.
|-----oo-----|
"So, I take it Doug's not working today, huh?" Carol asked Mark quietly as they cleaned up a trauma room in the slow ER. He shook his head.
"No, he has today off." Mark said. Carol nodded. "Have you tried talking to him in the past few days?" Mark asked. Carol shook her head.
"No, he's still not ready to listen." She said. Mark shrugged.
"Maybe he is." Carol smiled.
"That's what you said last time and look how that turned out." She said.
"All I'm saying is that you should give it another try. If you don't try you'll never know if he will listen." Mark said.
"I'm going to give it some more time." Carol said as she bent down to pick up a discarded glove.
"If you think that's best." Mark said. Carol smiled and looked at him.
"You're like a brother to me, Mark, and I respect your opinions, I just..He needs more time." Carol said. Mark smiled slightly back.
"I know, I shouldn't run my mouth so much." Mark said. Carol smiled.
"I don't mind, really, it's helpful." Mark snorted.
"Well....That's based on opinion." He said. Carol giggled.
"Yeah, I suppose it is."
|-----oo-----|
Later that night Carol sat at home, alone on the couch. She had her face buried in her hands as sobs ripped from her mouth. She tried to supress them, but all of the emotions were building up inside of her and she couldn't hold them in. Her entire body ached, wishing Doug was with her again. She missed him so much. And now the joy she felt for being pregnant, which she was almost positive she was, she couldn't share with Doug because he wasn't there, and he wouldn't talk to her.
How was she going to survive without him?
|-----oo-----|
The next morning Carol had the day off so she went to the drugstore to by herself a pregnancy test. As soon as she got home, she took it. As the little test read positive, Carol sat on the edge of the bathtub and simply stared down at the small contraption. How was she ever going to tell Doug? Or anyone else for that matter?
Carol decided then and there to not tell anyone for awhile. She wouldn't start growing for awhile and so she would have time to think and gather her courage.
Carol stood and placed the test on the counter before walking into her bedroom. She picked up the telephone and called the number to Dr. MacLucas' office to make an appointment.
|-----oo-----|
The next day, Carol walked into work, determined to talk to Doug once more. What he said would determine whether she told him she was pregnant or not. She hung her things up in the locker room before she went searching for Doug. Instead she found Mark.
"Oh, hey, Carol, how long have you been here?" Mark asked.
"About ten minutes. Have you seen Doug? I'm going to try and talk to him again." Carol said.
"Last I knew he was on the roof. He had an overnight shift, so he's been here awhile." Carol nodded.
"Well, I'm not on for ten more minutes, so I'm going to go up to talk to him." Carol said. Mark nodded.
"Okay." He replied. Carol headed to the elevator and went up to the roof. She found Doug standing there, holding a stryofoam cup full of coffee in his hand. Once more she got the craving but fought it back.
"Hey." Carol said. He turned, the look on his face unpleasant as he saw it was her. He turned back around and missed the flash of pain that flew across her face. "We need to talk."
"Carol," Doug said, his voice weary, "Why can't you just let it go? Why do you have to make this harder than it is?"
"I'm trying to make it better, Doug." Carol argued. He sighed and turned to her.
"I don't want to talk about it. It's over, we're over, Carol." Doug said. Carol sighed and bent her head.
"Fine. I understand that." She said.
"Good, then what is there to talk about?" He asked.
"You're still upset with me. We could at least talk about it."
"What is there to say? I know why you did it. You know why I'm upset. Why can't we just stop bullshiting?" He asked.
"Because!" Carol said.
"Because why?" He asked.
"Because what we had was important! We should at least try to talk it through."
"But it's over, Carol. We've exhausted this. Over and over and over. I don't know what else to say to you. You killed my child. I don't want to have anything to do with you." He said. She bent her head and felt like weeping at his feet and begging him. But she knew she would have to take his words and use them to make her stronger. He clearly wanted nothing to do with her, he had just said so. He just re-confirmed her plans not to tell him about her pregnancy. Carol closed her eyes for a moment before opening them up, not caring if she let all the pain she felt show to him. She just didn't care anymore. She was too exhausted to hide from him.
"If that's the way you feel." She said and met his gaze for a few moments. Then she turned and walked off the roof. He sighed and crumpled his now empty cup in his hand and turned to stare out at his city.
|-----oo-----|