"Is defense counsel ready to present his closing arguments?"
"I am, your honor. Gentlemen of the jury, I do not envy you the daunting task you face in determining the fate of a good and true man, my client William Schuester. It will take all your intelligence, all your common sense, all your worldliness, all your experience, all your patience, all the understanding and forgiveness of your Christian souls to see through the panoply of misinformation and innuendo that the prosecution has brought forth in a deliberate attempt to mislead and confuse you. I stand humbly before you confident that each of you gentlemen has all the aforementioned qualities necessary to see through to the blazing truth that the prosecution has endeavored to obscure from you, and render the only verdict possible: not guilty.
"The charge brought against my client is simple: statutory rape. The evidence given to support that charge may appear simple and straightforward on the surface, but as I will demonstrate, it is anything but. It is in fact a hodge-podge of misperceptions and misinterpretations. The inferences that the prosecution would have you draw require abandoning all notions of fairness, common sense and logic.
"This case involves a single defendant, but in reality revolves around the true star of this prosecutorial inquisition, Rachel Berry, who, I shall argue, constitutes the real culprit, the evil driving force behind all that has befallen poor Mr. Schuester. The prosecution has emphasized the youth and innocence of Mizz Berry, constantly referring to her as Miss, as though she were an innocent young thing seduced by a person they want you to view as the most despicable man in the history of this great state of Ohio. Let us begin with a close look at the real protagonist of this sordid, demoralizing affair, Mizz Rachel Berry.
"Here we have a young woman raised by two homosexual fathers, so that none should express surprise at her warped mind and deviant behavior. She has travelled the country, tarted up on the juvenile pageant circuit to seduce male judges and entire audiences. Small wonder, then, what this Lima Delilah perpetrated on the upstanding, innocent hero Finn Hudson, football star and son of a war hero who gave his life for our country. Young Finn testified that Mizz Berry's kiss was, and I quote, 'sweet, soft, tender, delicious, warm, exciting.' In fact, it was so exciting, he told us, that it caused him to suffer embarrassing episodes of premature ejaculation, a problem Mizz Berry solved by subjecting young Finn to immediate fervent fellatio so that he ultimately would be able to perform his manly duty not only during the sexual intercourse she demanded of him up to three times daily over a period of three months, but in reciprocating her generosity with selfless acts of cunnilingus performed upon her person. Mizz Berry, it should be noted, also developed a propensity for retaining young Finn's semen as a finishing flourish to her fellatio, so that when I refer to her voracious sexual appetite, I am not just speaking metaphorically.
"You can therefore easily imagine, gentlemen of the jury, how devastated young Finn must have been on the evening of August 10, last, when Mizz Berry informed him that it would not be fair to him for her to continue a relationship involving a regimen of fellatio, cunnilingus, and intercourse up to three times daily when her heart belonged to William Schuester, my client, and the only true innocent in all these proceedings. He knew nothing of Mizz Berry's fanatical desire for him and, as I shall demonstrate, did everything he could to avoid being subjugated to her wanton lusts.
"The tragedy that befell Will Schuester began the following day, when Mizz Berry visited him at his school office where he was diligently preparing for the fall semester. We know from the testimony of the janitor, Willie MacDougal, that Mizz Berry and Mr. Schuester kissed. But who kissed whom and how often and what did it all mean? My client has testified that Mizz Berry initiated the kiss, planted her lips hard against his, threw her arms around his neck, slid her tongue into his mouth which was open only because he was so surprised, and sustained her attack for three whole minutes while he considered his options of how best to fight off her unprovoked assault. Remember, gentlemen of the jury, he was dealing with a seasoned, determined, calculating drama queen capable of anything, so Mr. Schuester had to proceed very cautiously in detaching her lips from his lips, her tongue from his throat, her hands from his neck, ears and cheeks, her breasts from his chest, her stomach from his uncontrollable erection, her buttocks from his hands where they had inadvertently landed in the course of his struggle. Still, a kiss is just a kiss, as time goes by, an act of affection, and certainly not rape, statutory or otherwise. The only thing being raped in this encounter was Mr. Schuester's mouth.
"Mr. Schuester bravely fended off Mizz Berry's vanguard of unwanted advances, but he gained merely a respite. Mizz Berry regrouped, used the ten second hiatus Mr. Schuester had believed in vain to be permanent, and repeatedly hurled her indomitable forces against his weakening defenses. He attempted to prevent further damage to his good name by pressing his hand against her breast, caressing and fondling the soft flesh, pinching the nipple so that she might relent and remove her tongue from his teeth. She then called up her reserves and took hold of his manhood through his pants, stroking and rubbing it with newfound urgency, leaving him little choice but to retaliate by running his free hand up her dress-code violating skirt and under the elastic edge of her panties where his fingers penetrated her most vulnerable position on the field of battle, but despite their continuous sliding and circling motions accompanied by teasing grazings of his thumb on her clitoral nerve hub, the more recently practiced army prevailed in this battle of wills when Mr. Schuester fired a final innocuous salvo inside his own shorts, an act that has come to be known around McKinley High as the Full Finn or Partial Puck, after the priapic lothario who succumbed involuntarily in Mizz Berry's presence by the power of suggestion alone. As the vainglorious Mizz Berry clutched her hapless victim in her merciless talons, it was then that janitor Willie heard her cry, 'I love you, Will' and the poor defeated man could only whimper in his shame, 'You're fantastic, Rachel.' 'Fantastic' doesn't begin to describe this precocious amoral Jezebel who preys upon the souls of fine men such as my innocent client, Mr. Schuester. And as you shall hear later in my presentation, Mizz Berry's sensuous facial lips were not the last depredations to be suffered by my client's mouth from lips of one sort or another belonging to his nemesis.
"We next heard from Chastity Periwinkle, an elderly spinster neighbor of Mr. Schuester's. She claims to have witnessed Mizz Berry, a week following her kissing attack, entering Mr. Schuester's apartment, and in the second or so it took the door to close, says she saw Mr. Schuester completely naked with a tumescent phallus and Mizz Berry's hand reaching out to grab it. She says she was so distraught by the spectacle of unmitigated, brazen lasciviousness that she stayed an hour with her ear pinned against the door. What she went on to describe in her testimony can and must be put down to the wishful fantasies of a fevered imagination, one driven by a lifetime of denial and repressed sexuality. I'm sure many, if not every single one of you gentlemen members of the jury have encountered at least one such a female in your life, one who was blind or indifferent to your masculine charms and rejected even your most subtle offers of concern on their behalf. It was for that special male perspective and experience that fine gentlemen such as yourselves bring to the adjudication of such matters that we were determined to insure Mr. Schuester had a panel of true peers to find the shadow of doubt in the prosecution's web of distortions. That is why his Honor agreed with defense counsel during voir dire in excluding woman after woman from the jury for cause. None showed the ability for open-mindedness, logic, and non-prejudice that each one of you clearly demonstrated and which are all so necessary for a fair verdict of innocence in this case.
"So now, ignoring for the moment her questionable eyesight, hearing, memory, and sanity, let us consider what Miss Periwinkle says she heard after the door to Mr. Schuester's apartment closed on her snooping, startled, befuddled eyes."