He wakes up, lonely as he could ever be, a single beam of sunlight shining through the window. This is the day he wakes up on his own.
Everything has changed… because of him.
If only he had thought before speaking. If only he had considered what he was writing before he did it. If only he had control over himself. If only he hadn't ran.
If only they hadn't had that argument.
Tears begin to form in his eyes again and they quickly spill over the edge, leaving trails glistening on his cheeks and landing softly on the pillow next to his head.
He knew it was never going to be a good idea, something he would never had even considered until yesterday. He just blurted it out without thinking, and he realised that what he had said was a mistake too late. No simple white lie could cover it up now.
Not now he had already said it.
Not now everything suddenly made sense to Phil.
He could clearly still see those beautiful blue eyes growing wide and shocked as his hands quickly covered his mouth like it happened 5 minutes ago. His own soft brown eyes began to fill up as he sank to the wooden floorboards hard on his knees and gasped at the words he just yelled-
'It's because I love you Phil!'
Those few words caused an ache in his heart as he realised he was still in his bed and not in the living room like he was that afternoon.
He could still hear the slam of the front door as Phil stormed out. It was the first time he had ever seen him so hurt, so upset, so disappointed, so confused… so broken inside.
The tears fall harder as he lets out a loud wail. The thought of Phil being so hurt is the worst pain he has ever experienced.
'He's not coming back now' his innermost thoughts taunted him.
'You've really blown it now with that big mouth of yours' he tried his hardest to ignore the voices but they were yelling at him with joy at his expense.
'You're so stupid, he'll never like you. Who would ever like you?' he curled up into a ball under the duvet and clutched it with his fists, mumbling to himself to try and block out the voices.
'Daniel James Howell, the biggest fuck-up on the planet. He deserves so much better than you. You're never going to see him again. He'll marry a pretty girl and forget about you'
'SHUT UP SHUT UP!' He grabbed hold of the bed's headboard and slammed his fists against the wall.
He could see it again all so clearly.
They had been to the cinemas to see the latest Hobbit movie with Chris and PJ and their girlfriends and Phil's new girlfriend Samantha who he hadn't met before. He had already told PJ he didn't need to invite a girl with him to keep him company, that he was too busy with YouTube and Radio 1 for a girlfriend, keeping it a secret that he already knew who he wanted to be with.
They took their seats in the cinema, Phil and Samantha laughing about something presumably daft on Tumblr. Typical of Phil, he thought.
They were getting along really well.
He had deliberately taken the seat next to Phil and Samantha, so he could keep talking to Phil and try and distract him from her.
His jealousy grew throughout the movie.
It was halfway through the movie, and he had looked over to see the Samantha with her head on Phil's shoulder and both of them holding hands. Phil had laid his head on top of hers and he was softly smiling. They looked so happy together. So perfect.
He had kept quiet when the movie ended and just answered with small one word answers, just mumbling that he was okay when Phil asked him.
It was the kiss that truly broke him. Something just snapped inside of his heart.
Phil and the girl embraced and then they kissed gently, just for a second or two.
Dan felt his feet come to life as he dropped his bag. He ran all the way to the park, not even stopping for Phil and his other friends who were yelling his name, asking him where he was going.
His sneakers were rubbing his feet, but he still didn't stop until he reached the fountains, where he sat and wept for hours and hours on end. He ignored his phone which was ringing in his jacket pocket and buzzing occasionally with texts. He couldn't face him, not yet. He knew he had to though.
Eventually, he wiped the tears away from his face and stood up, finding out his oyster card from his pocket. He had got the tube back to the apartment, ignoring the puzzled and concerned looks from the other passengers.
When he got back, he had hesitated before unlocking the door and removing his shoes.
Phil was sat on the blue chair at the dining table, biting the nails on his left hand and tapping the glass surface of the table with his right fingertips. His phone was laid in front of him on the table. He jumped when Dan opened the door and slung his jacket over the sofa arm.
'Dan! Where the hell have you been? We've been so worried!' He had leapt up from the chair and flung his arms tightly around Dan, who kept his arms by his side.
'Are you okay? You just ran off. Where did you go?'
He had gathered all the strength left in his voice and mumbled 'I... er... I went to the… er… shop.'
'Why have you been so quiet all evening? You were okay before the movie. Has something happened?'
'No, nothing happened. Look, just leave it okay? I'm fine.'
Phil had narrowed his eyes 'Look, if there's anything bothering you know you can tell me right?'
'Yes, yes I know. But seriously just leave it. I'm going to my room.'
Phil dropped his arms and Dan had gone to his room, gently closing the door before breaking down and collapsing on his bed. He wept into his pillow until he heard a knock at the door and Phil hesitantly walked in. He had dropped the plate of cookies he was holding on the floor when Dan looked up.
'Oh Dan… why are you crying?' He had hugged Dan as he wept into his shoulder.
'I can't… I can't…'
'You can't what? Please tell me. If I can do anything to help I will.'
'You can't… you can't do anything'
Dan's dream diary had been left open on his bedside table.
Phil stood up.
'What Phil?' He snivelled and wiped his nose.
'What… what is that?'
On a single page of the diary was a picture of Phil and Samantha, covered in sharpie crosses and with annotations about everything Dan disliked about her.
Dan's heart dropped as he lunged to grab the diary but Phil grabbed it first.
He read out the lines 'Phil can do so much better than her' and 'What a bitch' and much worse but he'd rather not remember those lines. Including some hurtful things about Phil he hadn't meant to put but he did with anger and hurt.
Phil flicked through the rest of the diary, Dan's jealousy becoming increasingly clear.
'Phil… I can… I can explain…'
'Save it.' Phil dropped the diary and walked out of the room, slamming Dan's door shut.
Dan forgot about everything including the diary and jumped up from his bed, flinging the door open and running into the living room, where Phil was putting his shoes on.
'Phil! I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of that.'
'Is that why you're so quiet? What, are you jealous of her or something?' He looked up, rage and hurt in his eyes.
'I didn't… I wouldn't… I'm so sorry Phil'
'You know? What I don't get is why you're always like this. You're always jealous of my girlfriends. Hell, you drove the last few away. Don't you want me to be happy?'
'Of course I do Phil!'
'Then, why Dan?!' He finished tying his shoes and stood up.
'I don't know! I don't!' He was starting to get angry too. Phil can't know. He thinks he doesn't want him to be happy.
'There has to be a reason! Whenever I go out with anybody you give me the cold shoulder. We can't keep going on like this! Something has to stop. Maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore if this is how you are around me and other people.'
'Phil no, you don't mean that…' His heart felt like crystal hit with a sledgehammer. His world was crashing down around him.
'Yes Dan, yes I do. God, why do you have to be such an arse sometimes?!'
He snapped.
'Oh, I'm an arse? Why do you always prefer to hang around with your other friends than me!? Why do you ignore me when we go out and you're with a girl?! You're going to give up 4 years of friendship for a girl?! Go ahead then! I can find a much better friend than you who won't give me up for a girl!'
He had lost control of what he was saying.
The room fell silent as he realised what he had said. His hands covered his mouth.
'Is that what you want Dan? Is that really what you think I'm like?' Phil's eyes began to brim with tears.
'Phil… no… I'm sorry…' He tried to grasp Phil's arm but he quickly moved away.
'Really Dan. Save it. Why do you always treat me like this?!'
'…It's because I love you Phil!' He yelled.
Silence.
There was no other sound except for two shocked gasps and the sounds of Dan's knees hitting the floorboards.
'No Dan.'
'I do Phil! I do! I've loved you since the first day I ever met you!'
'No…' Phil backed away towards the kitchen and Dan tried to stand up but fell back down.
'Phil….' He reached out his hands.
'Dan… I don't see you in that way. I never have. I can't… I can't do this...' He turned and ran, flinging open the door and storming out onto the street.
'PHIL!' Dan yelled with all of the strength he had but all he could do was weep and punch the floorboards.
Just remembering everything again made Dan ache inside. He knew if he ever told Phil this is how he would react. His instincts told him so, but a stupid little fantasy in his head told him otherwise. He knew he should have listened to his instincts in the first place and not got carried away.
The cookies still on his bedroom floor from yesterday and the silence of the living room let him know it wasn't just a nightmare.
He pulled himself out of bed and opened the bedroom door, walking to the living room to put the TV on so it wouldn't feel as empty.
Phil was sat on the sofa crying.
Dan stopped and stood in the doorway.