A/N Hope you guys like this. I certainly enjoyed writing. Please review so that I can write more fics like this.
DD
Disclaimer: I'm the owner of Harry Potter and everything in it…so arrest me.
…sigh…I wish…
The millicent repeller
Summary:
Draco finds out that there's only one thing that can possibly keep Millicent Bulstrode away from him…a certain muggle cat. DM/HG
000
"DRAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCOOOOO. Waki waki sunshine!" Draco's worst fear visited him even in his dreams.
"It's me! Drakie, waki waki or…I'll kiss you!" Draco suddenly jerked up, immediately awake as if the word 'kiss' was an enchantment. He banged his head against his abuser. Blaise hit the ground laughing and wheezing at the same time.
Draco had been peacefully sleeping in his bed and Blaise-rotten-Zabini had to wake him up…and that too like this. Probably because he knew that this was the fastest, if only way to awaken a sleeping Dragon.
Calming himself from the fit of laughter, Blaise breathed in deeply.
"Oh, that was priceless mate!" Blaise had taken to making Draco run around with the precinct of Draco's not-so-secret admirer.
"So is this!" yelled the blond.
WHACK! A pillow slammed against the raven haired boy's head.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"For laughing at me, you Neanderthal!"
"Huh?"
"Evidently, Blaise you weren't paying attention to the subtle details in our archeology class."
(Neither had been Draco. He had actually heard Hermione Granger use this on a Slytherin fourth year but no one needed to know that.)
The blond got up from the bed groaning. Did he have to think of Her first thing in the morning? She was a horror, a real life nightmare. He could never get rid of Her.
Who? None other than…
…Millicent Bulstrode.
Blaise parted the curtains to reveal a blissfully sunny day.
"Hey. Look at that. It's a sunny day. You like sunny days don't you Draco," the grin he sent him meant he remembered that Draco hated all sunny days. Why?
Because it had all started on a blissfully sunny day like the present one…
Blissfully sunny…
000
Draco had been minding his own business…
He had bullied a first year into swearing fealty to him and him alone (Blaise already had seven and Draco only had five sworn allied first years), he had flirted with a few of the girls in his year, had forced a fourth year to give him his pocket money in exchange for not telling anyone that he was snogging a third year Griffindor….and well, that pretty much consisted of his day.
Blissful indeed.
After lunch in the great hall, Draco-unsuspecting-Malfoy, the pour soul who was going to have a turn in his life, stepped out into the sunshine and decided to laze around the Lake when he heard a lot of commotion somewhere.
Upon further inspection, it was around one of the towers.
There was a lot of screaming and a huge group of students had gathered around the East tower.
"Get down from there!" he heard someone shout.
Some sensible beings had run to get the teachers.
"Millicent Bulstrode is attempting suicide," Terry Boot told Draco as if he cared.
"Good, it'll reduce the wastage of resources considerably," muttered someone. Draco suspected it was Pansy but could not be sure.
Sure enough there was something dangling from the top of the tower. Some people were trying to persuade the reluctant figure down.
Draco rolled his eyes. She wasn't trying to commit suicide, she was about to fall. What she needed was a broom or a rescuer. Potty he thought immediately in distaste. Still, they were all persuading, or rather attempting to persuade the girl, down. He snorted as he passed.
"You try getting her down then!" Hannah Abbot said angrily.
"Oi Milli. What are you doing up there? Get down you big oaf!" He yelled. Apparently Millicent yelled something back.
Later Draco would regret his words a lot.
What she actually said (from some witnesses he had gathered later on) was will you catch me.
What he heard (evidently his ears were terrible and he needed hearing aid) was will you bury me…as in is she died.
And the poor unsuspecting boy replied with a, "whatever, just get down."
"Tried, it's evidently not working. You can't rush these kinds of things. She'll fall when she's ready," He rolled his eyes sarcastically.
Just as Draco turned to leave (being the only one who wasn't interested in Millicent's end, didn't see what everyone else did.
Suddenly the circle expanded and Draco realized there was only one reason for it. He looked up just in time to see something come crushing down.
In a moment, a rather cheeky looking Millicent Bulstrode was sitting on his back.
"Thanks for breaking my fall Drakie," she said.
Ya and thanks for breaking my back.
He spend a week in the hospital wing for broken bones. Millicent came to visit everyday to thank him for his courageous effort in catching her so bravely…it had started all the episodes.
000
The day he was released, Millicent tried to drag him into a closet and kiss him (as a possible note of thank you). Luckily, the cupboard was already occupied by Weasel and some girl who he didn't take notice off and he bolted at his first chance.
000
Draco, Blaise, Crabbe and Goyle were making their way to the great hall. Blaise was having secret fantasies about…possibly killing Draco and becoming Quidditch captain. Crabbe and Goyle as usual were dreaming hogging all the food at the Slytherin table for themselves at the expense of all their housemates. (And everyone wondered why on earth Slytherins swallowed their food daily). While all of them were deep in thought, Draco was on the lookout for-
"DRACHO," Millicent breathed standing in front of them, blocking the way.
"Blaise," Draco sqeaked.
By that time Blaise was rotating on the floor, "she…really…haha…likes…haha…you…hehe."
WHACK.
"Ow! What was that for?"
Millicent looked profoundly confused. While she was scheming of all the naughty things she was going to do to the blond, she didn't realize he had run off.
"You can run but you can't hide!" she called out.
Draco shuddered as he ran full speed.
000
Draco reveled in his single minded astuteness. He had outsmarted her now! The blond king was sure she wouldn't come to the library, much less look in the exact cupboard that he had magically expanded to fit himself in.
Brilliance.
He was having a moment of soliloquy and talking to himself much the same way mad geniuses in films talked to themselves (mostly for the benefit of the audience).
"She will never find me here!"
"Who dear?"
"Ahhhh"
Too scared out of his mind, Malfoy never saw the annoyed look on Mme Pince's face. A look that would have made anyone else pee in their pants.
"You can run but you can't hide Drakie. Playing hard to get is my favorite game," Millicent yelled coming out of the closet.
Draco shudder as he ran.
000
It was the night of another day. Nine o'clock to be precise. Draco was in hiding. He had dragged Blaise to the owlery with him under the pretense of needing support in case Bulstrode found him. In reality he was just afraid of the Weasel's owl-pig…pigwig…Piglet (apt name considering his owner was a food hog) who always managed to hit Draco on the head whenever delivering any parcels-even when he was firmly seated at the Syltherin's table. (Draco was ever sore about the Piglet nipping away his sausage.)
It had been two hours since they had arrived after a Bulstrode sighting and annoying Blaise was complaining. Grunting, Draco decided that it was time to go back to the common room. Just then the doors flew open. Lately Bulstrode had taken to blasting doors open with the wind blowing inwards and spraying her hair every which way. In a moment before the adrenalin spiked, Draco contemplated that if it had been a prettier girl, she would have looked sexy with the wind in her hair…but Bulstrode…more like Dracula's bride-cross that, Frankenstein's bride (he might have been going too far, but Bulstrode wasn't exactly modest about her fixation to him either).
Everything went slow motion from then.
"Drachoooooo," Millicent pronounced making it sound like a roar rather than a call. Blaise hit the ground wheezing. Upon impulse Draco grabbed a owl bowl and heaved it at him.
Millicent advanced, proceeding with caution, her arms spread out before her as if to appease him.
"Malfoy!" someone barked from behind Millicent. Draco's eyes widened as he realized who it was. At that moment, Hermione Granger stepped into the dim light of the doorway with the wind blowing in her hair. He had never been so glad to see her before. Afraid his traitorous voice would betray him, Draco simple nodded.
As he reached the doorway where she stood, a sudden thought occurred to him and he grabbed her, spinning her around and in the most cliché-est way, he kissed her.
When she pulled apart, she was too startled to do anything. He glanced back at Millicent and quickly pulled Hermione away.
"Glad we are keeping out very-serious-passionate-affair a secret," Hermione said sarcastically.
"I desperately wanted to kiss you there, my angel in distress," the blond replied, his arm around her.
"More like desperate not to kiss Millicent," she said. She eyed him, "Hey, you weren't trying to make her jealous were you? I mean, if you like her, just let me know…"
"Hermione! I would never do that to you. You know-" the brunette was laughing and Draco found himself in a bad mood which rarely happen when Hermione was around.
"You know I won't give you up to anyone. Besides, who else can I kiss and fight with at the same time?"
They had been dating secretly since the year began. Draco was pretty sure that Bulstrode wouldn't bother him anymore…
He didn't know that his psycho analysis on Millicent Bulstrode needed a lot more work…a lot more.
000
Draco had thought that after throwing their relationship into the light, Millicent would stop hounding them and the other two if the golden trio would start but as luck would have it (and someone who intensely hated him up there), it was the other way around.
Apart from the usual sarcastic and caustic remarks about Slytherin and everything else Draco was related to, they didn't seem to mind that Hermione was dating him. He supposed secretly they were just glad that she was dating someone because once they're relationship was in the light, she could openly start hounding him about homework and classes and such and as a result, it considerably reduced pressure on the other two.
In the beginning of the Millicent epidemic (as Draco liked to call it), Hermione found it hilarious and tried to see things in the better light.
She laughed at his persistence to always take the different routes he had mapped out on the map of Hogwarts. The brunette joked that Draco ought to date her since she was so dedicated to him. After about two months of forced laughing and trying to wait this out, she had finally gotten to a point of hissing at Millicent. He had to admit, a possessive Hermione was very sexy.
Now all the humor had dissipated and she was just as pissed as him. Only thing was, she was also pissed at him.
Bulstrode managed to find Draco in the most inconspicuous places-the prefect's bathroom (damn Neville Longbottom for giving her the password in retaliation to Draco 'accidently' spilling aging potion in his pumpkin juice), the potion's lab and out of his desperation, Trelawney's snogging-ahem-astrology tower where they had walked in on a certain Pansy Parkinson and Neville Longbottom during their daily snog (sweet dear revenge on his side).
Draco sighed. They were now hiding in the charms classroom trying to get some time alone. Hermione frowned, "I'm going to really do something about this. It's either me or her Draco. There isn't enough room for the two of us."
"You're right, the broom closet is only large enough to fit one Millicent Bulstrode," apparently Hermione wasn't in a mood to appreciate his humor so she just stormed out.
After a few stressful moments of contemplating whether he should follow her, he decided that he didn't have the strength to run from Millicent Bulstrode that day-but he had to admit, all this running was doing wonders to his physique.
000
Two days passed without Hermione talking to him. He had learnt to give her some space when she was like that. She sometimes got so hooked up on a project or some research that she would talk about it for hours, forget he was there, continue the soliloquy all the way to the library and camp out there in the night. He preferred his soft plush bed to the library chair thank you very much.
But after that, he was getting a little worried.
Deciding he would confront her at lunch time, Draco, still on the lookout for his shadow, was otherwise unbothered. Because of her Draco couldn't spend ten minutes with Hermione. He wondered what she meant about not being enough for the two of them. The blond was disheartened by the fear that she would decide to leave him for Weasley or someone.
Suddenly, someone grabbed him by the collar and pulled him into the closet.
The instant fight-or-flight adrenalin pumped through his bloodstream.
"Hush!" Hermione hissed, thrusting something hard into his hand.
"What is this?"
"My baby," she whispered, looking at it with awe.
"Pardon me? What?" the look the blond sent her must have made her realize how she really sounded.
Clearing her throat she said, "umm, it's my…er invention"
Then she proceeded to once again look at it with awe.
"This is…," she paused for effect, "the MBA"
"Masters in Business Administration?"
"No you nut. This is the Millicent Bulstrode Alarm. Every time she comes close to you with intent to harm…ahem…you know, do something to you…it beeps and flashes. I put it together really fast. I am hoping it will work but this isn't tested and may not work well or work at all but…Well, I have class so…bye"
Before she could leave though, he grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back.
"Herms...did you really mean it when you said…you know…you said that there wasn't enough room for the two of you? I mean…you aren't leaving me are you?" The concern was really cute, she had to admit.
"Of course I meant it…after all, the broom closet is only large enough to fit one Millicent Bulstrode" she opened the closet and jumped out. Draco stood there contemplating what that meant.
Suddenly, the closet opened again and to his relief (and intense pleasure), his quirky little brunette waltzed in again.
Leaning on her toes she kissed him.
And then she was gone again.
000
But this isn't tested and may not work well or work at all
But like so many other things had its drawbacks…major drawbacks
At the Slytherin table
Beep…beep
Beep… Beep… Beeeeeeeeeep
And then suddenly
Beep…beep…beep…beeeeeeeep
Beep…beep…beep…beeeeeeeep
Beep…bip…beep…bip...beeep…bip….beep…
beep…beeeeeeeeep
beep…beep…beep…beeeeeeeeep
beep…beep…beep…beeeeeeeeep
Everyone in the great hall froze to stare at Draco's suddenly musical MBA that was now beeping out Beethoven's 'fur elise' which was now moving onto 'twinkle twinkle little star'.
Fur elise had caused a pause in the activities…but apparently, 'twinkle twinkle little star' was a sensation…the great hall burst into applause and several people started whacking him on the back (one of them being Goyle, who nearly knocked him into the soup).
Draco, now the color of crimson, tried to shut it up by a number of spells. Then he resorted to banging it and trying to stuff it into a glass of pumpkin juice. At one point he even tried to avada kadevra it but the damned thing was indestructible.
He looked around the room, pleadingly at Hermione, who until now had been in a frozen state of horror back at the Gryffindor table.
As she rose, a hush fell on the hall.
Hermione never made it to the table.
Having a strange feeling of impending doom, Draco's body automatically stiffened.
"Well…now what do we have here?" came a greasy voice.
Yeap…totally doomed.
000
Snape's greasy office (yes greasy)
Impending doom alright. Draco was ready to rip his preciously groomed hair out of its socket. Although he had told Snape everything…he had avoided the question Snape really wanted to know.
Who was the alarm attuned to?
He wondered whether he should kill Snape now and then plead for an insanity case.
Luckily the door flew open. And open-flying-doors always signified one person…Bulstrode.
The alarm went off.
Snape got it.
Bulstrode stood grinning. Somewhere in between Snape's mad laughter and Millicent moving in for the kill, Draco and his little beeping badge escaped out the door and hid for the remainder of the afternoon in the third floor, out-of-order girl's bathroom strangely comforted by the haunting of Moaning Myrtle.
It was rather nice to have someone telling him how beautiful he was…now he knew of Potty felt.
Yeah he was as desperate as one could get.
000
Next day
Snape didn't make it that day to class so they continued making aging potions. Hermione was his partner so he was sure to get the best mark even though he had to pull his weight.
However, Snape didn't show that day…or the next.
"Hey...do you know what happen to Snape?" he asked Ron.
Ronald Weasley had a way of inadvertently coming to know everything about the school-especially if it was gossip. After all, what do you expect to hear when your girlfriend has a head filled with air and is head to the 'gossip girl' club.
"Didn't you hear? Some saint put an advanced laughing spell on him. Bulstrode found him. Now he's being treating in in the insanity ward."
000
Soon everyone seemed to forget who he was. Draco Malfoy, the Slytherin prince who got to bully sixth years into giving him their Hogsmeade money and made first years pee in their pants, was no longer feared.
People who would once cover at the sight of him now cracked jokes at him. Even the ghosts seemed to know about Millicent's fixation of him.
He was an outcast. People avoided him as if he were a nasty smelling creature. It was unnerving. People didn't even go so far out of the way to avoid Moaning Myrtle.
That afternoon was the last straw for Draco. They had care of magical creatures after lunch. The only class he truly enjoyed because his quirky little brunette was afraid of most of the animals and he got to hold her hand and sometimes got a hug too…although he was hoping for more one of these days.
But today…he was in an awful mood. Although he should have been happy that he didn't have potions for as long as Snape was out, he was furious that Bulstrode was…well being herself.
"Haya there. Today we're gonna be learnin aboutta muggle animal"
Hagrid placed the cage precariously on the ground. Placing his hand on the latch he was about to open it when he said.
"Now, you've gotta be real careful with this fella. He ain't gonna bite or sting…but if he attacks…well, you don wanna be the one to get attackedz all I'm tellin ya."
He opened the latch and…out stepped a cat.
Those who were familiar with muggle animals automatically began to withdraw backwards and their pure blooded counterparts did the same.
The golden trio and Draco were left standing.
"What's that?" Ron inquired.
"A cat you moron." Draco snapped.
The skunk looked up at them. Harry knew that skunks didn't look up at people, they ran. This was one hell of a brave skunk.
"Shit. I think it's gonna blow." He began backing away.
Draco looked at the cat and sighed.
"I know how it feels to be treated like an outcast myself." He told it, kneeling down and beginning to pat the incredibly brave skunk.
"Draco…don't do that. Common…just listen to me will you," Hermione's pleading were in vain. Draco always wanted a cat.
"Good kitty." He leaned over to kiss it…
And it turned and attacked…
Needless to say, no one came near him the whole day. Not even Millicent Bulstrode could stand the smell.
After being rushed into the infirmary, Mme Pomfrey tried to cure him of the smell but in vain. For the safety of those in the hospital wing, Mme Pomfrey called St. Mungos and had Draco shipped off.
000
St. Mungos had hundreds of rooms but none catering for smelly people like him. Since no one could (or really wanted to) come near him, they put him in solitary confinement in the insanity ward. His 'cell' was a cube with transparent walls with soft cushioning instead of a floor and a toilet which was actually a small hole. This ward was made for people with mental problems and was designed to prevent them from hurting themselves. It also happen to be the only room which allowed people to see Draco without actually having to…smell him.
Draco though being the dashing vain ass he is, embraced his predicament with a smile. Removing his shirt to reveal perfectly balanced abs, he tried to flirt with the attractive woman in the next cell who he later found out was being treated for impulses to strangle virtually anything that moved.
Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy came to visit the boy. Insisting (against her husband's better judgment), that she should comfort her son, Narcissa walked into the cell.
It happened so fast, Lucius Malfoy barely realized. One moment Narcissa was walking into Draco's cell and the next, she was running out screaming something that sounded awfully like, "Just like you're father!"
But Lucius could never really be sure-his wife's incessant nagging and screaming had rendered him prematurely deaf. In the end, Lucius refused to sit in the same carriage as her on the pretense that she stunk and insisting that he would walk all the way to the manor rather than ride with her.
"Take the cab home!" you crabby woman! He added in his head.
But Narcissa, being the true Malfoy she was upon further instigation (when he told her she stunk like a troll), rode away in the carriage.
Much to the embarrassment of Lucius, he chose that moment to realize that his pockets were empty and thereby he had to walk home.
Darn that woman!
000
After a few uneventful days where absolutely no soul visited him…the whole of Hogwarts decided to turn up.
Ok maybe it was a little exaggeration.
Crabbe, Goyle, Blaise, Pansy and a few other close cronies showed up. There wasn't much to do but being evil Slytherin arses they joked around about his housing accommodations…and his pit toilet.
After an hour and eternity of humiliation, the warden kicked them all out and they promised to visit again…Draco really wanted to see his quirky brunette.
And as wanted…she arrived.
Hermione Granger smiling like an angel (he desperately needed new adjectives).
"Herms!" Draco, the sexy beast lunged at the wall, trying to sexily claw his way out of the room.
"For heaven's sake Draco, you're going to break a nail!"
Draco stopped immediately.
"We can't have that, now can we? It's bad enough one of us has terrible nails in this relationship"
"I bite them when I am nervous" she said cross.
"I missed you," he interjected, trying to distract her from her nails. They were always a sore subject for her.
"Yeah me too…"
"No one comes in here to see me. I'm so alone"
"Enough with the drama Drake, you just had all your crones come over to see you and your parents"
"Yes…but not inside. My mom doesn't count. She wasn't here even a few seconds"
She looked at him like he was insane…which by now, she was sure he was.
"Sorry dude…no can do."
"But…but…you said you would always be there for me…a shoulder to cry on…a body to lean on… a hand to hold on"
"Yes…but…that's all symbolical…not literal. Besides, I never knew you would be in such a smelly situation when I said that…" she giggled at her own joke which Draco of course didn't appreciate.
She sighed at the puppy dog look he sent her.
"Please don't do that…you look terrible…no seriously" Draco stopped, and slouched on his cushioned floor.
"Who knew that I Draco Armellius Malfoy, would die at the hands of a smelly muggle cat in the insanity ward in 's"
"What are you talking about?"
"The smell…it's never going to go, is it? I'm going to spend the rest of my precious life in a cell with a pit for a toilet."
Hermione laughed.
"Here," she said, slipping a box into the one way letter box, "it's a soap that I made. That's why it took so long to come and see you. It should reduce the scent and maybe within a few days, you won't be a danger to the general public"
000
After a week of thorough testing and Draco resolving never to go near muggle cats again later…Draco was back.
An innocent second year passed by and Draco lunged.
He enveloped the second year in a bear hug. Dropping him to the ground, he looked at him sternly.
"You tell anyone that…"
The second year scrambled for the great hall.
"Ah it feels good to be back." He wrapped his arm around Hermione who planted a kiss on his cheek.
"Hey Pans…hey Blaise"
"Hey Drake." Pansy said cheerfully. Pansy was never truly in a cheerful mood. Something was up.
His body stiffened. In the past free weeks, he had forgotten about Millicent Bulstrode.
Blaise was almost twitching at every sound he heard.
"I think you'll like this" Hermione whispered.
"She has a new fixation you know. You are yesterday's trash," Pansy pronounced loudly.
"Shut up Pans" Blaise hissed in a tight voice.
"Oh…Blazing bunny where are you?" Millicent Bulstrode appeared like a goddess-ahem-demon in the waking.
Blaise was nowhere to be seen.
This time it was Draco's turn to rotate on the ground, laughing hysterically.