BPOV

Edward and I were lying on his bed, resting together. It was a few days until the wedding, and then our honeymoon, and then… my renovations and we were spending time with each other before we were split apart for a whole day. Alice had promised me that much.

Just when I was starting to drift off, Edward's door flew open and someone jumped onto our bed, hopping up and down. My eyes popped open and they landed on the pixie standing two inches from me and doing little flips in the air with each bounce. Edward and I groaned simultaneously and her tinkling laughter filled the room.

"I had a vision!" Alice fell to her bottom on the bed, and although it should have looked awkward and she should have bounced off the mattress, it was probably one of the nicest moves I had seen.

"No. Absolutely not. Get out of here, Alice. She's not a project," Edward growled, pulling me closer to him and encasing me tighter in his arms.

"Awww, but she's going to be hungry in 5-4-3-2-1!" My stomach rumbled at the end of the mini vampire's countdown and I sighed, looking up into Edward's hazel eyes.

He took one hand from around me and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he spoke, it was a forced softness. "Bella, Alice would like to know if you'd like for our family to make you dinner."

I turned to Alice, who was smiling like a Cheshire cat. I giggled at the analogy. The Cheshire cat came from Alice in Wonderland…

"Umm, Alice… You do realize that you guys don't eat food, right?" I sat up, as did Edward. He pulled me into his lap and rested his chin on my shoulder, nodding his head at my statement.

Alice sighed and pointed at her eyes. "I can see the future, Bella. I can tell if what we add to the food will make it taste bad or good. Besides, Emmett used to be a pretty decent cook."

I turned back to Edward. "Well? What do you think?"

He sighed and kissed my cheek. "If you're willing to be a guinea pig, love."

At that, I was snatched from his arms. Suddenly, I was flying down the stairs and in the kitchen. Alice set me down and called out, "Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie!" Edward was standing next to me before Alice even finished speaking, Jasper right behind him. Emmett and Rosalie took about half a minute before they breezed in.

"Yes? We were busy," Rosalie was buttoning up her dark blue button up shirt.

Emmett grinned like an idiot. "You know, having sex."

I blushed and Edward shook his head. "You're a moron, Emmett."

Emmett smiled wider and double pistol-winked at his younger brother. "But I'm not sexually repressed."

Edward growled and Emmett ran out of the kitchen, my fiancé right on his heels. Everyone shrugged and turned back to Alice. "Anyway, we're all making dinner for Bella!"

Rosalie rolled her eyes and Jasper quirked an eyebrow. "Alice, darling, we don't cook. We don't know how to cook."

Alice was breezing around the kitchen, pulling things out of the fridge and cabinets. Before I knew it, there was a parade of food on the counter. The Hurricane stopped next to me. "Huh. We're missing bread and pasta." She grabbed onto Jasper and started pulling him out the door. "Bella, Rosalie, start cutting up the vegetables. We'll be right back!" When I blinked, they were gone.

I turned to Rosalie, who was looking at me with distaste written all over her face. "Yes, let's cut the vegetables, because they look real appetizing." She picked up a tomato and examined it, bouncing it up and down in her hand. When it hit her palm for the fourth time, her eyes flickered to me and a smile crept onto her full, red lips. A terrifying smile. "Bella, let's cut vegetables." She handed me the tomato and stepped over to the knife stand. She pulled one of the long, sharp, silver knives out and threw it up into the air. She caught it with the blade into her palm, no doubt denting the metal a little, and held it out to me. "Be my guest. I'll watch and make sure I know how to do it."

I nodded my head, gulping nervously. I took the knife from her with a "Th-Th-Thanks," and started to slice up the tomato. Rosalie stood just behind me, and I could feel her shifting her weight from foot to foot ever so often. It was strange that she was so fidgety. I couldn't see what she was doing and I assumed she was just pretending to watch the human cut human food.

Suddenly, Edward burst into the room. "ROSALIE! LEAVE HER ALONE!" he bellowed. I turned around to see Rosalie with a saltshaker in one hand and her mouth opened wide over where my neck was just seconds ago. She snapped up and grinned at Edward.

"I just wanted to scare her." Her teeth gleamed with the venom that coated them and her eyes were a shade darker than they were before. I shuddered and carefully backed away from her. Emmett came into the room with a torn shirt and leaves in his hair. "Emmett, wouldn't it be funny if Bella thought I was going to bite her?"

Emmett looked at me, then at her. "No, because you're scary, Rose," he said, chuckling. I nodded my head and Edward came to me and wrapped me up in his arms. "Did you try it?"

Rose laughed and pushed my shoulder playfully. "Awww, come on! I was just kidding Bella. I wouldn't eat you."

Emmett piped up, "Yeah, that's supposed to be Edward's job! Then again, it's obvious he's not doing it." Edward bared his teeth at his brother and Emmett stuck his tongue out at him. "You can't catch me and leave Bella here alone. My wife'll eat her."

I wasn't sure whether I should laugh or allow my body to shiver in the small amount of fear I felt. I doubted Rosalie would actually bite me, but who knew what she would do if the both of us were alone. That repressed shiver ran down my spine and Edward looked at me questioningly. I just shook my head and turned back to the tomato I had been slicing and away from the scary vampire who also went by the name Rosalie.

Finishing the first tomato, Edward detached himself to get me another. I didn't think we would need more than two, but there were four or five on the counter. Evil, overexcited little ball of energy. The three inhuman creatures in the room surrounded me to watch as I sliced into the tomato, successfully spraying all four of us as juice shot from the incision.

"What the…" Rosalie began as she wiped the juice from her face. As her hand swiped away at the clear liquid, she suddenly shrieked. Edward chuckled from my left while Rosalie became frantic on my right. She turned to me and pointed a manicured finger in my face. "You got tomato juice in my hair!"

"Sorry," I apologized quietly. She was even scarier now than before, and she wasn't even threatening to bite me…yet.

"You…you…Urgh!" She couldn't even form a coherent sentence at the moment because she was so angry. I looked at her hair and noticed the two areas where there was tomato juice were very, very small.

"I didn't mean to, Rosalie. It's not difficult to wash out," I offered.

"Washing it out? No, that's more than easy. However, getting my hair to look like this? That'll take me…fifteen minutes!"

I giggled, which, by the way, was a terrible idea. "Come on, Rosalie, its only fifteen minutes. You've got what? An eternity? I think you can spare fifteen minutes of your time to fix your hair."

Emmett laughed as his wife's face crumpled and she glared. If it could, her face would have probably turned tomato red from the anger. "Come on, Rosie, I'll help you with your hair…and whatever else you need."

She didn't stop glaring as she spat, "Fine." Emmett took her hand and dragged her, literally, from the room. She grabbed onto the doorway and turned to me one last time. "This isn't over, Swan." Emmett tugged harder and a piece of the doorframe the size of her hand broke off as she disappeared behind the wall.

"What crawled up her butt and died?" Alice asked as she skipped back in with Jasper in tow.

"A tomato," I answered before I returned to slicing the vegetables.

"So what did you bring?" I finished another tomato and leaned back against the kitchen island, watching Alice take things out of grocery bags.

"Well, I got the bread and the pasta." She picked up four different boxes of noodles. "I didn't know if you wanted macaroni or spaghetti or lasagna or these really cute little star shaped thingies, so I just got them all and you can choose." She put the boxes down and picked up just as many loaves of bread, juggling them for my amusement. "And I got these. I didn't know if you'd want Italian bread, since it's an Italian dinner, or wheat, since that's healthy, or white, because that's the kind you usually eat, or this really good looking garlic and herb thing. Jasper said it smelled like ass, but I thought you might think it smelled pleasant." She shoved it under my nose and I got a deep whiff. I think some of the herbs when up my nose because I sneezed out. Luckily, Alice pulled the bread away before I sneezed on it.

"It smells good, I guess. I want that." Alice grinned and pulled the loaf out of the package.

"Jasper, do me a favor and cut this for me." She handed him the knife I was cutting tomato with and patted his arm. Jasper made a face and Alice held up a finger. "No complaining. I know what it smells like. No, I won't change my mind. No, not even if you do that little tongue thing."

Edward and I shuddered at the reference to Jasper's tongue thing. Alice turned to me. "So you want lasagna, right?" She didn't even let me fully process the question before she chirped, "Of course you do."

Edward laughed and kissed my shoulder. "Sorry, Bella. I told you to say no."

I shrugged as Alice put a glass plate in front of me. "Okay, here's the sauce, here's the lasagna noodles, and here's the cheese. I think you just layer it."

I rolled my eyes. "Believe it or not, Alice, I know how to cook. I'm actually very good at making lasagna and I'm sure I know how to 'layer it'." Edward laughed quietly behind me and Alice stuck her tongue out at me.

"Whatever. Just do it. I'll be right back." She was out of the kitchen in a flash.

I looked up at Edward. "Your sister is crazy."

Jasper laughed from across the kitchen. "Like a fox." Alice came running back into the room, fully decked out in a white chef's suit, complete with hat and utility belt that held a spatula and a knife. Jasper groaned. "Alice…"

She just smiled and came to my side. "Umm, you haven't started what I told you, yet."

I sighed and started working as Edward hummed besides me while Alice went to work doing… whatever Alice does.

Edward made a face when I spread some of the sauce out and I laughed. I got some on the tip of my finger and held it out to him. "Human food… Mmmm."

He stuck out his tongue. "That's disgusting, Bella." I wiggled my finger and he was about to turn away when I landed some of the sauce on his lower lip. He groaned and stuck it out. "Groth! Nakin!" He couldn't talk with his lip held out that far and I burst into giggles. I leaned up and kissed the sauce off his mouth.

He kissed me back with more gusto than I thought was okay for cooking with his family on a Sunday afternoon. He grabbed my hips and gently picked me up, setting me on the counter so we were at the same height. His hands explored my sides while he parted my lips with his tongue and forced entry. He pulled away just as suddenly as he started, and it looked physically painful.

"Jasper, damn it! Quit with the damn emotion manipulation!" I was gasping for air as Edward shouted at his brother. I felt a blush steal my cheeks and I groaned in embarrassment.

"Uh, dude, I didn't do that. It was all you," Jasper smirked. I burst into a fit of giggles and I didn't even know why. "That, on the other hand, is all me."

My body felt all tingly, like every inch of me was being tickled. "Stop it, Jas-per! I don't like feeling all…all…all…giddy!" I couldn't stop giggling an Edward chuckled as he watched me squirm on the counter top. Suddenly it stopped and I sighed. "Jeez, now I know how Alice feels all day."

"Yup, but I don't need Jasper to help me feel that way," Alice answered as she straightened the hat on her head, which kept slumping over to the side.

"Yeah you do," Emmett said from behind me and I jumped, not having realized he'd entered the kitchen through the other door.

"Stupid, sneaky, big bear of a vampire," I muttered, causing everyone else to laugh. Big hands grabbed my waist and helped me to the floor.

"Wouldn't want the little clumsy human girl falling on her bum now would we?" Emmett asked with a smile. I stuck my tongue out at him. "Careful or Eddie here will have to do something with that tongue of yours."

I pulled my tongue back into my mouth as I scooped up a handful of sauce and flung it at Emmett, getting him square in the face. He didn't know what hit him, having been looking at Edward at the moment.

"What the… FOOD FIGHT!" he exclaimed.

"NO!" everyone shouted as Jasper and Edward lunged at him before he could even manage to pick up the cheese. Alice was laughing on the other side of the kitchen and I looked at her curiously.

"Care to share with the class Alice?" I asked. "Like maybe why you didn't see that coming?"

"Oh, I did see that coming," she answered with a smirk.

"And you said nothing because…" Jasper prompted.

"Two reasons. One: I wanted to see Jasper and Edward tackle Emmett, because as you can see, that's just plain funny." I looked over at the three of them on the ground, and sure enough, it was funny as Edward and Jasper pinned him whilst they tried to retrieve the cheese from the hand he held above his head. "And two, because if they didn't stop him, it would have been just as funny to see him get in trouble with Esme for messing up her kitchen."

I walked over to her and held up my hand for a high five. "I like the way your mind works."

She giggled and tapped my hand with hers. "My mind works in ways you'd never understand." Suddenly, my face was covered in white goop.

I didn't know what possessed me to do so, but I licked some of it from around my mouth. I was thankful when it was white chocolate as opposed to some foreign…goop. "What's this for?" I asked.

"Desert," she answered.

"Which would be…"

"Patience is a virtue my dear," Alice sang.

"And we all know how patient you are, Bella," Emmett commented as he stood up from the ground. He grabbed a hand towel from the counter and wiped his face while Edward handed me another.

"Thanks." I wiped the chocolate off of my face, knowing that I needed to use some water too, but not really caring at the second.

Something blurred through the room and then, right in front of me, Rosalie appeared. She began whispering something in Alice's ear and Alice listened intently. I looked to Edward and he was scowling at them before he suddenly laughed. Did I even want to know?

Edward grabbed my waist and pulled me back to the lasagna. "No. Just let her finish her food. She's hungry." He left me for a few seconds, and then came back with a damp washcloth. He wiped the chocolate off my face and then kissed my forehead. "Perfect, as always."

Emmett made retching noises and I threw a few things of cheese at him.

Everything else happened in such a flurry that I'm surprised I caught it all.

Emmett took the throwing of cheese as an invitation to re-initiate the food fight. Edward read his mind a half a second before he could act and he pushed me away while trying to jump over the island to get to his big brother. Emmett already had the rest of the jar of sauce in his hand and was getting ready to let it rip when Edward rammed into his side. I saw the jar of the lid go from its target (me) to a war zone (Rosalie.) Red sauce flew through the air in perfect round globs. Rosalie let out such an unearthly scream as the sauce landed all over her perfect hair and blue shirt that I had to cover my ears.

"THIS IS MY NEW DOLCE & GABBANA SHIRT! THEY AREN'T EVEN SELLING THESE IN AMERICA YET!" Alice gasped at the proclamation and I looked back and forth between the two of them. Finally, my eyes settled on Rosalie. There was a huge glomp of sauce seeping into her just washed hair and little spatters all over her face. Across her shirt was the biggest stain, going from her left shoulder all the way down to her right hip.

The silence in the kitchen was shattered when the human girl let a giggle burst through her lips.

Rosalie's black eyes locked on me, right on my jugular, just as Alice shouted "NO!" She lunged for me at the same time as Edward and Alice.

I felt stone slam into me and encase me in two strong arms, then I hit the floor and the body was removed. I immediately felt something seeping through my clothes and I opened my eyes to see red all over my shoulder and front, starting at my neck. I gasped. Aw Hell!! Oh God! She bit me! I waited to feel the fire engulfing my body. At least now I don't have to attend my wedding.

Alice fell to her knees besides me and I could hear her sobbing. Aw Hell. Wait, why doesn't it hurt? I looked back down at my shoulder and noticed I couldn't smell blood, either. I sat up and touched my shoulder, bringing the red to my lips.

Oh thank you thank you thank you.

It was sauce. I turned to Alice and she looked up at me, pointing a finger at me.

"Y-y-your shirt. You actually wore something I got you and now it's ruined!"

From the time Rosalie jumped me to Alice's last remark was no more than a minute.

Edward helped me up from where I lay on the ground and I just looked down at my shirt, smirking. "One down, a billion more to go."

All the guys chuckled at my comment and Edward kissed me on the forehead, careful not to let his chest touch mine at the risk of sauce covering his shirt. I especially liked his shirt today, a tight black t-shirt. His skin screamed 'touch me, I sparkle in the sunlight' and it took everything in me to resist its call.

I pulled off the light sweater that Alice had put me in and the chuckling turned into a loud gasp. I smirked at them. "What? I still have a tank top underneath," I teased.

Edward leaned down and whispered, "If you do something like that again, you won't be wearing a tank top for much longer."

I felt my cheeks turn red. "Jasper…" I warned, glaring at the culprit.

He held his hands up in defense. "Don't look at me. I'm not the one making your fiancé horny."

"Edward, you wouldn't be such a horny vampire if you weren't so sexually repressed you know," Emmett added.

"Emmett, you're always a horny vampire and I'm pretty sure that you aren't sexually repressed," Edward responded.

"Better horny and sexually active than horny and sexually frustrated," Emmett sang.

"Emmett…" Edward warned.

"Better a man than a virgin," Emmett continued. Edward growled and crouched down, prepared to attack.

Emmett copied his stance and I sighed. "And so the lion challenged the grizzly bear."

"Rawr," Edward said, directing it at me. Big mistake.

Emmett took the moment to his advantage and hurtled towards Edward. Edward caught onto him before their bodies could collide and grabbed him in his arms, then spun around so he was straddling Emmett on the kitchen floor and holding his arms above his head.

I moved over towards Alice and dipped a finger in the chocolate, watching my fiancé take the bull by the horns.

"You wouldn't," Edward growled. Emmett laughed and nodded.

"Oh, I would." Emmett smiled, his teeth shiny with the extra venom. Just then, he started thrusting his hips up and throwing his head back, moaning, "Oh Edward!" I choked on the chocolate in my mouth and everyone in the kitchen burst into extravagant laughter, with the exception of Emmett, who was still moaning his brother's name is faux ecstasy, and Edward, who had jumped off of Emmett as quickly as possible and was scowling as he wiped his hands on his pants.

I sat down on the floor because I was laughing so hard. Emmett crawled up next to me, joining in on my laughter. "See, Human thought it was funny."

Edward glared at his brother. Rosalie just had to add her two cents with, "I think she's crying because you molested Edward before she could."

Jasper held up a hand in my direction. "No, it's definitely all merriment. And a little sexual frustration mixed in there."

Alice sighed and opened up the fridge. "Why we can never do anything as a family without sex coming up, I don't know. Here you are, Bella. I knew we weren't going to be able to do this right." She pulled out a package of my favorite Pop Tarts from the freezer and handed them to me.

Edward came to me and picked me up, bridal style. "Thank you, Alice!" I yelled as Edward whisked us up to his room.

"Never again, Bella. Never again." He sighed as he locked the door behind us, set me down on the bed, picked up his dresser, and put it in front of the door. I fell back on the bed, opening my package and tearing a bite off with my teeth.

"No, Edward, never again, because in about a week, I'll be a vampire and we'll never have to worry about this again." I chewed my food slowly and he came to lay with me, nuzzling my shoulder.

"Right." He started placing little kisses along my almost bare shoulder and to my neck. I forgot about food as his tongue flicked out against my skin.

"HEY EVERYONE! LITTLE EDDIE MIGHT GET A WORK OUT TONIGHT!"

Edward was gone in a flash, his dresser suddenly on the other side of the room by his window-wall. "I'M GOING TO TEAR YOU UP INTO PIECES, EMMETT!"

I sighed and fell back against the bed, eating my fancy Pop Tarts. "And I can't wait to help you one day."