"You know what you have to do in order to see." – Green Angel by Alice Hoffman
CHAPTER ONE : VISION
What is this life to us but never ending burning embers in the night, destroying our vision of what is all around? The fire engulfed all that I once held dear, and it is slowly burning the edges of my vision with its heat so that I will soon be unable to see.
Names, faces, feelings: all these trivial things just turn to ash before my eyes as they are blown away in the gentle wind of many lonely and painful nights. The blaze has a vendetta against me, never leaving me with an ounce of peace. It all began the day I tried to play with fire.
I can remember being a little kid, and I can remember the feeling of curiosity and excitement as I lit the match. The wind had decided to stop its relentless blowing, and I was alone in the yard playing. The lit match burnt my finger so I let it fall carelessly to the ground. The fire spread quickly as my attentions went from the match on the grass to a snake near the garden fence. Being the child I was I decided it was a wondrous opportunity to play with the "big worm".
I was six-years-old at the time and didn't know any better. After I spent a few minutes poking the rather large snake with a stick I heard the first scream. I still remember how I reacted to the sound; I turned around and smiled in amazement as I gawked at the ablaze house. I didn't know that the beautiful sight before my eyes was deadly. I didn't know that my parents were inside taking their last breaths.
Not long after, my older brother Itachi came home; he had been at a friend's house playing video games. All that I remember of the last time that I saw my older brother was his arms around me as he ran far away from our burning home. I fell asleep in his strong arms as he took me away from the house we had called a home for so long, from all the innocent memories, from all the happiness I remember and into an unsure future where we were not to be together again.
That was nearly ten years ago now, but the memory is welded into my mind never once leaving me alone. It took me years to realize that my parent's death was my fault, it took me years to start blaming myself for the situation that I am in now, to start hating myself for letting go of the match.
Leave your mark under my skin
Oh my, how strong you are,
And feast your eyes on my disdain,
And hope this one won't scar.
I will never belong to you, again…
I will never belong to you.
Push, if you still need my pain,
'Cause I will never tell.
And scream, if you still hate my name,
'Cause I'll be where I fell.
Come sit close to me,
Let me feel your breath.
Come sit close to me,
Hands around my neck.
Come sit close to me,
Let me feel your breath.
Come sit close to me, close to mem yeah…
I will never belong to you, again.
I will never belong to you…
If I decide that I am alive,
Then I'm diseased and ungrateful.
And if I confide that I am a liar,
Then I'm diseased and ungrateful.
PUSH IN 'TIL IT BREAKS, IF IT BLEEDS THEN I'LL BE OKAY!
If I decide that I am alive,
Then I'm diseased and ungrateful.
And if I confide that I am a liar,
Then I am alive and I'm diseased and ungrateful.
Come sit close to me…
Another set of bruises to be hidden under long sleeves. My "father" was in one of his many moods and as usual Kabuto was no where to be found, so I was his punching bag today. I blocked the pain behind a black void of nothingness, the void I find myself in more times than not.
I have lived with Orochimaru and Kabuto for four years. Orochimaru found me in an orphanage and just had to adopt me, no ifs, ands, or buts about it; he just had to have me as his "son."
Being twelve at the time I only thought about how nice he was leading to the impression that he was a kind and caring man. For the first two years he spoiled me, buying me expensive gifts, and he even took me to Disney Land. I was a happy boy with a happy family.
There wasn't always just the three of us in this house, there used to be another boy. His name was Kimmimaru, and he was Orochimaru's biological son. Kimmimaru's mother died giving birth and that's when Orochimaru adopted Kabuto. His grief over his wife's death gave him two sons. Years later doctors found a tumor in Kimmimaru's heart, that was the day that Orochimaru decided to adopt me. Two years ago Kimmimaru died during his last chemo therapy session. That was the first time "father" beat me.
When we returned from the hospital Kabuto and I went into the kitchen to get some milk. Orochimaru joined us but said nothing the whole time we sat at the kitchen table. It was a tense moment and I couldn't keep my hands from shaking and I accidentally spilled my milk, dropping the glass on the floor and breaking it.
Orochimaru's eyes changed from the blankness they had been since the doctor told him of his real son's death, to slits similar to those of snakes. For a split second I thought of that snake I had poked with a stick all those years ago. The look in my "father's" eyes scared me shitless as he hissed at me while pinning me against the wall. My shoulder hit the refrigerator in the process.
I can still remember the fear I felt when I looked into his eyes; I was so terrified that I pissed my pants. I can't remember if any words were said while Orochimaru punched me, but I could remember the sound of his sadistic laughter at the fact that I soiled myself. That sound will haunt me until the day I die.
It wasn't everyday that Orochimaru beat me. He could still be kind at times, at least it was that way for the first year. After every beating Orochimaru would take me and Kabuto out for a treat: he took us to the movies, to get ice cream, to the fair; anything that would hide the horrid home life. But after a year he gave up on making up for the way he treated me and became even more sadistic.
The first anniversary of Kimmimaru's death, "Father" was drunk in remorse and liquor. This day, like the laugh from the first beating, will say in my memory along side the burning house all those years before.
"Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru's lips purred out my name in a bit of a slur.
What is it now? Another beating. . . shit! It's been a year today, hasn't it?
My mind soon realized that it was the first anniversary of Kimmimaru's death and that couldn't be good at all.
"Sasuke-kun. How many times must I call you before you respond?" His voice got louder, he was closer to my room than before.
"Coming Orochimaru-sama," I said as I quietly got off of my bed, closing my school book.
My grades must be kept to the highest of standards, I must be the top of my class in both academics and sports. I spent all my free time studying or practicing so as to please my "father." If he was not pleased in any way it would mean another beating.
"Don't call me that Sasuke-kun. I am your father so call me as such," his words were so close to me that a simple look to the left of my bedroom door revealed his presence was only a foot away.
"Alright, Father," I responded meekly, gulping softly in surprise at his close presence.
"Sasuke-kun," he purred once again as he stretched his arm so that his hand could caress my cheek. I shivered at the simple touch, wincing slightly because I expected it to be a hit.
"Uh," I had not meant to make any sound, but it just came out. For some reason that little word set him off.
I don't like remembering the details of that night, it's too horrid. "Father's" touches, licks, kisses and everything he did when he raped me for the first time still bother my conscience. The pain was so much worse than any of the hits I ever received. Some things should never be remembered, and this was one of them.
As usual, Kabuto was nowhere to be found when Orochimaru was abusing me, though he was most likely in his own room studying. Kabuto never received any sort of beatings whatsoever, but that's most likely because he reminds Orochimaru of Kimmimaru; they were both nearly the same age, only a few months separating them. Kabuto is three years older than me. That's why he never got touched, at least that's what I told myself, early on, to justify what was happening to me. But now I blame myself for playing with fire and snakes, blamed myself for killing my loving parents. It's my fault that I get abused, my fault because I'm a murderer.
A/N:
I thank my beta-r XxpwnagexX for her work on this chapter!
I told you all that I would be re-writing my stories and starting off with "Untitled," which will continue to be titled that because I finally figured out why it's named such.
The story is not any sort of thing, a title doesn't give justice to it in any sense whatsoever. That is my reasoning, the best way I could word it that is.
I love writing in first-person and re-working this story helped me get back into the habit.
Well I hope you all like what was added, and to those who did not read the original first chapter I hope you liked this one. I tried to add to what was missing or alluded to, but it was a bit hard since I've never been in this kind situation. . .
I will update to this as often as I can since I get to re-write the already written 11 chapter (10 more to go before I add new stuff completely). I can't wait until I get to actually write more to this story rather than re-writing the story.
If you have any suggestions whatsoever please leave them in a review, I will add pretty much anything you suggest into the story in one way or another.
The quote is from Alice Hoffman's novel "Green Angel." The song is "Diseased by Seether.
PLEASE LEAVE ME A REVIEW, ANY TYPE IS WELCOME; I REALLY DON'T CARE AS LONG AS THERE'S A REVIEW I'LL BE HAPPY.